Follow
Share

My dad has Parkinsons', dementia-the start of Alzeimers He is getting worse with confusion and many other things. A huge issue is money, he doesn't understand I can't just give him hundreds, he has needs to be met, bills to be paid, etc.. I'm sure you all know I have been accused of stealing amongst other things! Seeing what is happening to my dad kills.. I used to have an awesome relationship with him and now I'm losing that more and more each day. Back to the money.... I always give some when he asks-even if I haven't gone to his bank I give him some of mine to quiet him, but he doesn't grasp that I should be repaid? We go over why I am his payee, all doctors agree the best for him. I know about the monopoly money idea, but I know that will not work at this time. It is such issue that I'm getting yelled at insulted, etc., my dad would've never been like that w/me before becoming sick so I understand its the disease. He goes to a day program during the week-the Veterans ADP and they know what I've just told you and they don't understand what he needs $300 in his pocket for. Let me add dad was always frugal with money-maybe he just needs control of it because he's afraid? Please, any ideas on how to deal w/this particular issue? Thank you all! Valery

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

27 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Understanding the dementia experience DM suggests start with these books

Nothing worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's and not being prepared to care for persons living with Alzheimer's.

A quote from: Ethelle Lord, "I found something worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It is not getting the workforce trained in time to care for persons living with Alzheimer's whether at home or in a care center." Ethelle Lord is President remembering4you.com based in Maine

Harvard Medical School A Guide to Alzheimer's Disease (Harvard Medical School Special Health Reports) Harvard Medical School Special Health Reports John H. Growdon, M.D., Kathleen Cahill Allison, Alex Gonzalez, Scott Leighton

The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory...Sep 25, 2012 by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins

Creating Moments of Joy for the Person with Alzheimer's or Dementia: A Journal for Caregivers, Fourth EditionSep 1, 2008 by Jolene Brackey

Still AliceDec 2, 2014 by Lisa Genova

Alzheimer's Association Caregiver Notebook: A Guide to Caring for People with Alzheimer's and Relate2009 by National Alzheimer's Association

Coach Broyles' Playbook for Alzheimer's Caregivers: A Practical Tips GuideJan 1, 2006 by Frank Broyles

Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging ParentsApr 2001 by Jacqueline Marcell and Rodman Shankle

"Kisses for Elizabeth" A Common Sense Guide to Alzheimer's Care is written for both family and professional caregivers of people with Alzheimer's disease and other dementias. It is a practical resource for anyone experiencing difficulty with significant behavioral issues but is also helpful to caregivers who simply want to provide the best possible care.

Can't We Talk about Something More Pleasant?: A MemoirMay 6, 2014 by Roz Chast

Love, Loss, and Laughter: Seeing Alzheimer's Differently Hardcover – March 6, 2012 by Cathy Greenblat
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Valery: What's going to happen here, even IF you were able to give him the $300 is that he is going to lose it. Very bad idea! Give him three $1 bills and see if that will work.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Sister "takes care" of Mom's money...so we can never qualify for medicaid, or medicaid share of cost. 6K in checking, 4K in savings. Because "they have a plan". I'm full time caregiver (yes, gave up employment!) going on six years. In my home. Mom's 93. Insists on the big handbag full of tissues...with money sprinkled throughout. Dementia. Heart condition. Doesn't walk, very frail. I like the idea above re: quality 'fake bills'. And yes, the anger and insults fly to me, "The Warden"; and the beloved golden children live out of state and are commensurably worshipped.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY! The more you have, the more you will have to pay for his expensive care. FYI - One dollar bills and $100 dollar bills are different and one with dementia will use their long term memory to recognize the difference. Anything one has done for decades usually stays with them in dementia.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I went through this with my mom. She was always very independent and handled her own money. When she started exhibiting signs of dementia (Alzheimer's) I noticed she was losing her debit card a lot and it took me a long time to get her convinced to let me keep it in my wallet with mine so she would always know where it was. When she would go to spend the weekend with my other siblings, I would make sure she had money in her purse. It would always get lost. I'm still cleaning out her bedroom in my house (she passed away in April) and I'm sure I'll probably find some of the missing money because she was hiding everything. I stopped giving it to her and would give it to my sister or my niece that she was staying with that weekend. If they went to a store, I wanted her to have money if she saw something she wanted. Of course, she accused me of things that I know she never would have said if it weren't for the disease. I know for me, I spent a lot of time trying to explain things to her and getting upset when she would say those mean things to me. Now, I wish I had just taken the time to just assure her that she knows me and she knows I wouldn't do anything to hurt her and just hug her. I think that would have gone a lot farther than trying to explain things over and over. As this process goes on, they just can't understand those things anymore and they're just scared about everything. The disease makes them think that everyone is out to get them, even though they know deep down that you're the one loving and helping as much as you can. As long as you're doing what's right for your dad and you're doing your best to take care of him, try not to let the things he says upset you. I know that's easy to say and hard to actually do. He still loves you, he just cannot help what's happening to him right now. I had to just ask God to give me strength and help me not to let my emotions take over, because it's only human to react when someone you love is accusing you of something you're not doing. Just remember he can't help what's happening to him. Just be there for him and take care of him and show him lots and lots of love and hugs and reassurance. That's what he needs.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Sunnygirl, Your actual experience about your cousin's use of the money you gave her was eye-opening, and helpful. You responded with a practical, wise solution: you BROUGHT the treats: no money needed! Yours was a helpful response. I also like the $10.00(?) gift card idea.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Offer him $20 each time he goes out, appearing generous. Have him sign for the cash. Keep a running total each month. Ask him, if and when he balks, how much he needs monthly. Negotiate.
If he gambles, tell him you just cannot possibly do that ( what he is demanding), and that if he went to assisted living, the 'allowance' is usually only $30/mo.for spending.
If he is holding $300, make sure he pays it out during the month, get receipts because you must be responsible. You take him to the doctor, he pays for the gas and food out, any clothes, again, at the grocery store, let him pay, allow him to feel like he is in charge.
You will find a way to be quicker and smarter than him, soon.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
How often do you give him 300? And what does he spend it on?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I had a similar issue with my foster dad when I started realizing he had dementia. Besides repeating your explanation and having to sound like a broken record, there's really not much you can do, I say this from experience because for some strange reason dad always forgot our discussion despite climbing down by the end of each discussion. He was always very agitated when we started our discussions, but he eventually call him down and seemed to understand. However, later on he started screaming about the money again despite fully explaining everything. I was actually glad he was put into a nursing home and to someways the bold agree I was also glad when a guardian took over since the Guardian knew more about how to handle these kinds of people than I ever will
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
This is common. The person who is most familiar in his mind WILL take the insults and the accusations. Don't grow to hate him no matter how long this goes on. BUT, be ready once he passes to be able to REST. You will be exhausted. You are living on Love Power at this time. Not only did my partner pass, but we had a fire. Everything went into storage. 9 months later, I am still trying to get my home rid of clutter (which he loved) and trying to rest. I cannot advise you how to deal with your emotions with your dad and money. But, I can tell you, that you are aging due to caring for him. I did not have a day care for my partner. Then when he passed, I had to deal with his hateful children. I miss him deeply. But, I am still exhausted 9 months later. Please be careful with your health - all you caregivers. This is a gift of Love when you are caring for someone you love. Remember, we too will be there someday. We are teaching our children how to care for an elder.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Hi Valery, I am so sorry you are going through this. Think about what your Dad would say to you if he was in his right mind. I am sure he would thank you for taking care of him and loving him and feel sorry about the pain he is putting you through. Remember his generation probably paid for everything with cash. I love the idea of giving him thirty dollars in singles. Best of luck to you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
At Barns and Noble they have a money kit for kids to learn from. The bills look real, so you might try giving him those bills...easier to hand out $300 that way. Sorry to hear your having so much trouble. My father-in-law has Parkinson's and started down the dementia road. He had a major surgery recently and he really got mentally bad. The only thing that got my husband and I through this, was to just look at him differently. Dad is gone! This is a person we help out. This helps because this dementia will make you sick!!! You have to let go of your Dad, the Dad you knew and the Dad you love. You are a caretaker now to dementia. I don't want to sound mean or callus, but you have to take a step back and know that whatever you do to please dementia will not be enough!!! You are not arguing with your Dad, you are arguing with dementia! Get a caregiver and give you some time away....time away makes it easier to look at things realistically. You just have to know when to step away and take a break. My Dad has MCI as well, and I am trying very hard to keep in front of the disease and to look at it from a realistic stand point. I need to be there to help him and not let the disease get to me. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I wonder if he knows the difference between a one dollar bill and a 100 dollar bill. Stevensmom has a good idea. Might work. In any case, he shouldn't be given all that money, he will lose it or give it away or be cheated out of it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I'm glad you brought up this subject. My mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia a couple weeks ago and that is on top of her congestive heart failure. She has always kept a good amount of cash on herself and takes it out of the bank when her SSI is deposited. She never goes anywhere but she likes the cash to pay her own way and to contribute if I go to the store for groceries and etc. However, last month (before the diagnosis) she took out an unusually large sum of money for her (1,700.00) and I had a niece down from another state helping with my mom post her April hospital discharge. About 900 disappeared. Within days of my niece leaving my mom had her first major dementia episode which led to a stand off with police and EMTs. I got emergency guaridanship and now after a week stint in a geriatric psych unit she's home. Most of the time she is her normal self, but I've started keeping her cash put away except for smaller sums. She likes to have cash on her and I think she has the right to do that. It is her money and she doesn't go anywhere. However, she forgets things. She keeps wanting me to take her to the bank but I know she has plenty of cash. She doesn't even remember I have guardianship at this point.What I intend to do is keep her cash in a safe and log the money in and out. That protects everyone. If she wants to keep a 100 bucks or 50 bucks on her person, so be it. She likes to give money away, too, and that limits the amounts she can give.

This dementia is a whole new ballgame for me.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
When my dad moved to residential care six months ago, I took the credit cards and insurance cards out of his wallet. I do have POA and the two checkbooks as well, I pay the bills, oversee medicine, doc visits, etc. I give him no more than $60.00 at a time in tens and fives. I keep the conversation short when he wants "a lot of money." To him, it is prestige, he is very self absorbed, a big shot. (He has always been like this , just worse now since the dementia.) He doesn't remember that I gave him cash let alone what he did with it. But, he says here and there he gave so and so $10.00, and is now complaining that people are taking "his stuff." When my mom was in a nursing home, he used to brag about "paying off the nurses" so my mom would get preferential care. The money just went wherever it went, she didn't get anything out of it. He is trying to do the same thing now, money is answer to making things more comfortable. Get in an argument? Have a twenty! Like Sunnygirl says, false accusations are very common. The accusations cover up the memory loss to the person afflicted. Give him less and make it small bills, looks like more. And the elderly are targets for theft. I love all the people where my dad lives, but you never know. And if I take him out and leave him the car for a few minutes, he has gotten himself out and wandered a bit. There's a perfect target for a wallet snatch! Hey, why the $300.00?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You are going to have to develop a thicker skin with his insults. Each adult "child" wants to revert back to childhood when their parents issue an insult or command. With dementia all money decisions should be handled by someone who is competent. Try telling him he is incompetent and you are making sure his money lasts as long as he does. When he argues, walk away. Dementia patients are like drunks. DO NOT try and argue with them because you won't win. Just do the best you can, and congratulations on getting social security on your side!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
In my experience when cash is an issue, it is most often relates to a security issue. Explaining something so complex as money and bill paying is often a fruitless path-avoid that route. But always carry the documents that allow you to pay bills on his behalf.
Many of us can still remember when adults used only cash and checks. Some families only used cash to pay for everything. Probably your dad started using money when credit and debit cards had not been invented. Thus carrying cash may have a meaning to him that is not easy to understand.
I know that this disease is more expensive than anyone can imagine when they receive the diagnosis. But I suggest you be open to your father losing money or giving it away. I know that it is hard to accept, However, I believe you need to pick and choose your battles.
I would also experiment with different denominations to make up the $300 if he still can count. Do 30-10$ bills better for him than 15-$20.
I agree with Moelish 1 about Amazon money: you can spend about $10 to see if it works with him. However, I would alert the staff at the day care facility that you have switched to fake money. Explain your dad's issue and see if they accept the fake money approach. But if he still attempts to pay for items in a store, then you might want to give him cash before you go shopping.
FYI. One of my 90 plus years no longer remembers cash. Don't know if that will happen to you. Good luck--money is a tough issue to handle.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I wouldn't let him have $300 in his pocket because it could be stolen. Is he able to count the money and know how much he has? If he just feels he needs a "wad" of cash, can you give him $30.00 in 1 dollar bills?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
If he is frugal with his money, then why not let him have $300 to keep in his pocket?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My Mom had Alzheimer's and insisted on carrying a black purse around with her. She was obsessed with it. No long explanations/reasoning on why she needed this helped. They don't remember. I believe it is a security issue. It's a thing that they still want/need feel that is familiar. We made sure her license and no valuables were in purse ( is your dads social or drivers license in wallet?) I'm curious if he actually spends the 300 dollars. And if so on what? It's nice he goes to a day care facility that maybe they can give there I put/suggestions. Does he try to pay for things while he is there that have already been paid for? Although it's difficult at this time the phases are usually transient. Sad, but true it was actually easier when my Mom was bed-ridden so we didn't have to worry about wandering, and behavioral issues. Good luck. Hang in there. You're doing a great job. No storm lasts forever.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Does your dad spend the 300 in his wallet?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You need to see this as a symptom. He's agitated and anxious around the issue of money. Get him to his doctor or if you have acces to one, a geriatric psychiatrist. As far as i know, Ativan is an anti anxiety med and not an antipsychotic. Some antidepressants also help with anxiety and rumination.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Try Amazon. They have fake money that closely resembles real money, better than Monopoly money. Also check into Ativan, an antipsychotic that will calm down your dad mentally. Many clients I've had takes it successfully. Old age and mood enhancers mostly go hand in hand I have seen.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My father has done many of the things you described including the need to have $300 in his pocket. I think the cash in pocket is a security thing filtered through his mental state. All you can do is make certain you keep your ducks lined up maintaining his finances in a clearly organized manner that shows where the money goes. If you use your own money document it, whether it is ever reimbursed or not. Do not leave anything vague. You will forget and not be crystal clear if ever you are asked about something. I do not talk about finances with my father unless I have a reason for him to be involved. Out of sight out of mind. When I do bring it up I am careful abut the words I use. There is no need to explain everything. Too much information invites confusion and suspicion.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Can you just give him a nice, new shiny $20 and see if that will satisfy him? Other than that, I have no ideas...sorry!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
What does your dad do with the $300 you give him? Where is he spending it? That's my first question.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I suppose you could show him the paperwork, but, if he has dementia, it will likely not help. From my experience, explaining, reasoning and trying to clear things just doesn't work. Maybe others here will chime in with some kind of idea, but it's just not common for a person who has lost the cognitive ability to suddenly become reasonable.

From my experience with similar situations, I would just try to keep it short and direct. When questioned, I would say that I have handled the matter and its been taken care of. I wouldn't bring up complicated concepts like reimbursement. That concept is obviously something he doesn't get. You aren't likely to convince him that he doesn't need $300.00 in cash in his pocket. I'd come up with a solid answer and keep repeating it. Long explanations don't normally work and even if they did, he would likely forget it, so you'll have to repeat it over and over. Can you give him a prepaid credit card with $10.00 on it and let him think he can use that if needed?

I would discuss it with his doctor. False accusations against family is quite common. Sometimes this is a stage though and it might not last indefinitely. If he's overly anxious, medication might help bring him some peace of mind.

Sorry that I don't have better news, but often the great relationship is not possible due to the mental decline. It's no one's fault. It's just a result of the mental decline, so insults have to be endured.

He could be demanding a lot of cash for any or no reason. My cousin used to ask for cash because she wanted to give it to other residents in the Assisted Living so they could buy cigarettes. I would give her a few dollars to buy treats from the machines, but she would lose it or give it away, so I just started taking her the treats myself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter