My dad lives alone and we want him to move in with us so we can care for him but he doesn't. My dad is 80 years old and was diagnosed with diabetes about 15 years ago. I talk to him regularly on the phone but seldom visit as he lives about 5 states away.
Over the last year through some of the clues I'd get from our phone conversations I'd began to worry that he was losing his memory to an unhealthy level so I did a welfare check on him last month and found that pretty much everything he had was disconnected/discontinued including his Water (my first clue was when his phone was disconnected and I had to take over the payments of it and get it reconnected).
It was a pretty sad visit seeing the squaler that he was living in after not having running water for 8 months or garbage picked up or even a fridge that worked to a healthy level.
Me and my family spent our whole vacation cleaning his house, taking over his bills and getting things reconnected and renewed (like his driver's license and insurance). We inspected his medications and found that he'd been off of his insulin for probably about a year but seemed in great physical health (he walks 3-6 miles a day every day unless it rains).
OK enough background, here's the nitty-gritty of the quest. We want to move him to our place but he really doesn't want to move. He, for some reason, loves being at his own house and wants to die there. While I appreciate and respect his desires, he's just not taking care of himself.
Since he doesn't remember pretty much anything from day to day (ie he didn't remember my family's week long visit 2 days after we left). My evil plot was to get him to "visit" us on vacation and then just keep telling him that he's going home "next week" with "next week" never coming.
Can something like this hold up? Or, will his mind eventually discover that "next week" isn't on the agenda?
I don't have much else to say on the matter. Your plan may or may not work long term or even short term...you may have some tap-dancing to do...but you'll have him at your home, safe, allowing you to problem solve from that vantage point instead of from five states away.
If he doesn't want to visit you for a vacation, tell him his house needs a new sewer line...the town told you...and it'll take at least three weeks to get done. Or some-such. Stretch the three to five as ou wait for quotes, weather delays, etc, etc.
Go for it. What do you have to lose?
I encourage you to research this site or the alzheimers's site to educate yourself on dementia so you understand what a progressive, life altering brain disease it is.
So moving in with you, or moving into a long-term-care center near you, seems to be in order. You would have to be his guardian to force that (which would involve having him found incompetent and a getting a court order.) If you can accomplish the goal with persuasion and trickery, that would be much less costly and time-consuming.
You say "we" want him to move in with you. How does you wife feel about this huge change in your household? Do you have children at home? What kind of logistics is your house able to support? Would he have his own separate bathroom? A room big enough for his own television and other personal items? Do you have plan in mind for respite care? (Hint: It is Not Possible for a caregiver to provide 24/7/365 care without regular and frequent breaks and retain sanity. Not Possible. Plan for respite before even moving him. This is one of the biggest mistakes well-meaning relatives make.) Have you and your wife both read up on dementia to have a reasonable idea of what you are getting into?
Have you thought through the financial aspects of moving a parent in with you? Can he afford to pay room and board? Make sure you have a written agreement for any money he contributes to the household, so it won't be considered a "gift" if he needs to apply for Medicaid at some point.
If he needs to go into a long-term care facility, either now or when the dementia gets beyond what can be handled in a private home, can he pay for that? If not, the sooner you start the Medicaid application process the better.
My personal opinion is that you have an obligation (and I hope a love-driven desire) to see that this old guy gets good care. You do not have an obligation to provide that care personally in your own home. Think long and hard about what is going to best for everyone. And be willing to change your plans if there is evidence they aren't working out.
Here is who I think you should talk to as you consider the alternatives for Dad:
His doctor.
A doctor in your location. A geriatrician would be my suggestion for starters.
A social worker, or a Social Services case worker.
A lawyer specializing in Elder Law. (The specialty is critical. Not you sister-in-law who practices corporate law.)
You are certainly doing the right thing to want to take care of your old guy. Your heart is in the right place! Give your brain a chance to catch up with your heart, and do the right thing in the most effective way!
Please keep us posted with how this goes.
You dad is not merely forgetful. He has brain damage of one kind or another (depending on the kind of dementia). This is extremely serious and must be taken seriously.
The bigger thing is to take the keys like I did with my Mom! He might have a current license but it's not gonna do him much good without the keys to the car! He can still drive the car with an expired license!
Eventually, I had to place her in Memory Care and she forgot about it. She no longer even knows she has a house. So, I would recommend it if you have no other choice. It's not common that a dementia patient can understand the situation and agree on a sensible plan. You have to do what you have to do to keep them safe, IMO. Good luck.
You live five states away from your father - to an English person, that equates to "another planet" basically - and it is clearly not possible for you to provide hands-on caregiving for him in his own home. Fair enough. And it is also completely understandable that you would like to move him into your area so that you can supervise him closely, and also just see more of the old guy. Not only fair, but nice - good for you.
The means of achieving this, though, are a problem. You know categorically that moving near to you, or in with you, are not what he wants. You can't say you respect his wishes and then just ignore them. Your plan, practical or not, is totally unethical.
So what are the alternatives? Does he have the means to buy support services at home? Would he consider moving to supported or assisted living in the area that he knows and loves? If you have exhausted all possible options for keeping him at home and there really is no alternative but to move him, in his own interests, then so be it; that will have to be faced up to by him, with your support; but fooling him into it a) is an ethicist's nightmare and b) will get this new phase of his life off to an extremely shaky start.
Set out from the point of view that he wants to stay at home. Call for help and advice from service providers in his area to find out what is possible. If it turns out, or becomes the case, that living at home is no longer an option, you then move on to working on his acceptance of that - again, with help and support from professionals in his area, such as his doctor, social workers and so on.
It won't be easy; but unless he has given you power of attorney to make these decisions for him, and unless he has been evaluated as no longer being legally competent, you have no right to uproot him against his consistent and clear wishes - and especially not through deceit.