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My mom died on June 20 just last year from complications of COPD. My dad is living in a very nice AL facility. His health issues are many and I'm surprised he's hung on this long. He was recently hospitalized for pnemonia and his recovery has been very slow. He spends most days in his bed hooked up to oxygen, telling me and my husband that he will soon die. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I no longer want to spend time with friends. The thought of going somewhere, listening to music and dancing, things I used to enjoy, now just make me feel tired and depressed. My oldest daughter will soon give birth to our second grandson and another daughter is getting married this November. I should be happy and excited but I'm not. So I want to know-when will I feel normal again?

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Dear Marcia, first off let me say how sorry I am that you lost your Mom last year. I lost my Mom in May of last year.

I am still grieving. I think I will always grieve her death till the day I die. As far as actively grieving I think it's different for everybody. It's dependent on a lot of things. How close you were to your Mom. What kind of support system you have. How busy you keep yourself. etc. etc. In your case because you are also worrying about your Dad's health that makes it even more complicated. I would suggest to you that you allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. For me, this idea that I should be over things by now sometimes makes me feel even worse.

There is no normal when it comes to these things. It also sounds to me like you are suffering from depression brought on by your situation. It wouldn't hurt to go to your doctor and discuss getting a mild antidepressant. Something to tide you over for a while. There is no weakness in that.
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Marciad5, a lot depends on what is the norm within a family dynamics. How one's parents reacted to the passing of their own parents/siblings/etc. My parents would continue on and not make mention, or remember out loud any anniversary of one's passing. So I learned that from my parents.

Thus, when my Mom passed at 98, I was sad on the day she passed, and relieved as her final months quality of life wasn't easy. My Mom had a wonderful long life, so I believe if there was any grieving it started when she started to really age, plus there was resentment that my parents had put this caregiving upon me [only child] which had overwhelmed me. I believe I had no emotion left for after the funeral.

Now my sig other, he comes from a family that grieves daily for a person even if that person passed 50 years ago. I notice that in his grown daughter, too. He marks on the calendar the anniversary of the passing for all his relatives, and his late wife. I know very little about the relatives lives because all he can talk about is the day of the death. How sad someone lives a long life, and all sig other can remember is their death. But that is how his family and relatives were.
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Marciad, discuss this with your MD as soon as possible. I lost my mother when I was ten. Grief was a big black hole. I had to teach myself to redirect my own thoughts, consciously seek pleasant memories. If you don't the hole just sucks you in. Meds can help, but the biggest way out is to mentally relocate your thoughts to better experiences.
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I had a very living Aunt. She was my chamopion and my best friend. It is two and a half years later and I am finally able to incorporate the memory of my past relationship with her into my current life. I do not believe there is a timeline on these matters. I can only say that the more deeply the significant the person was in your life, the more diverse the adjustment can be made to not having then there. Give yourself whatever time you need to adjust. It will soon fall into place.
Many hugs.
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Marciad5, Bless your heart. I am so sad for you and your situation. It is hard. But you will get through it and things will look better and that is important to remember. When you ask how long you should be grieving, in the UK there is a saying "how long is a piece of string?" In other words, it is what it is and no two are the same. You have the right to still be grieving, it will probably always be there to some extent. But you do need to move forward and sometimes that is not possible without help. I agree that you sound like you are depressed and that is not a weakness. It is very common after the loss of a loved one especially if it is unexpected. It can get you stuck in the natural grief process and stop you from moving forward and enjoying your life which I'm sure would make your mother sad. Antidepressants can help you to get perspective. The idea is that they will help reset the chemical balance in your brain re-establishing a more normal balance, and when this is back where it should be you will find it easier to work through your grief in a more natural way. It can be so hard when you know what you need to do but depression is holding you back from doing it. And the sooner it is acted on the better. Are there any bereavement support groups local to you? Those are often very helpful as well. And talking to family about the wonderful times etc. Like pamstegma said it is important to think about positive things. Bless you.
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When you lose a parent whom you really love, as with anyone you really love you never really "get over it" (as Cher said in Moonstruck). It's been about a year since my Dad passed and I'm not "over it" but I have accepted the fact that there's a gaping hole in my life now that I must learn how to deal with. What I suggest is that you think of what types of things your Dad would want for you and try to live your life as a homage to his memory. What would make your Dad proud? What would make him smile? He would want you to be happy so make yourself happy. You don't have to forget him and you never will but it might help to make a specific yearly ritual to honor him---maybe a small memorial service---planting a tree or something special. One of the most comforting things I've heard about death (I'm not sure where--maybe here--maybe somewhere else---is to look at it as graduation. If you are religious as I am, it comforts me to know that my father has "graduated" to a better place. I'm still here on the journey but one day I will be there, too. If you are not religious, you can still find comfort in speaking with a counselor or in striving to live your life to the fullest knowing that life is short and that you've got some great memories to carry you through.
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Memory eternal of your mother. Sounds like my situation. Dad died April 29 of pneumonia, just couldn't shake it. Be joyful that you had your parents as an adult and know it's normal to grieve. don't grieve for your dad now; have joy that he is with you, and keep him comfortable. Prayers.
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I'm sorry....I just recalled that you were speaking about your Mom. Of course, my advice is the same---just wanted to extend my sorry for the loss of your Mom.
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Marcia I would like to extend my condolences to you I lost my parents as an 11 year old 52 years later I still grieve some days but again it is a personal thing I suggest you take as long as you need and try to think about the happy moments that you shared with your Mother God Bless You!
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These comments are great. I agree that there is no timetable. My dad died in 1988 and I think about him everyday. Sometimes I am in a situation and I think: What would Dad do? Or my siblings and I will remember a phrase he used or something he did and just laugh because he was a funny guy. But the difference is that these are good memories. And I think that is what happens: you grieve and hurt initially but as time goes on you have good memories to carry you thru. I still miss him but realise that, unfortunately, this is part of life. It happens to all of us. Try to remember the good times and what your parent taught you that you carry in your heart and mind. If you feel it will help, do talk with your doctor or go for counselling. We all need it and it helps to talk with others who have had a similar experience to realize that you are not alone and other people have been thru the same thing.
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Hi Marcia

So sorry about your mom. Sage advice above.

One more thing that works: take the body and the mind will follow.

I never understood that but I do now. You like music and dancing. But you don't feel like it? Then take the body dancing--and before long, the mind will want to dance some more.

Take morning walks. You don't FEEL like it--but do it anyway. And your mind will soon feel like doing more.

This works for me every time.
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My heartfelt sympathy to all of you who have lost a parent at any age. The grieving is a process and we all will go through it. I used to think when I was younger that science will figure out a way to keep us all alive and that death was not going to be an issue! My own Mom died 32 years ago and I had to realize that the missing her part would never go away.
Marcia my thoughts are that you are shouldering not only your Mom's death but your fathers illness and his declining health. It is a mental struggle to stay upbeat. You have this constant gloom over you as you are responsible for your father until he passes and you are not happy being the only one who is attending to him.
Make sure that you get some time for yourself. Force yourself to go dancing as it is great exercise . If you need a short nap allow yourself to take it. Make a list of something you want to do each day and do it. Get outside and enjoy the sun.

I can completely understand and empathize with you. My Dad is now in the late stages of Alz and of course no-one knows how long this process will take. Being subjected to watching a loved one go through any stages of death is depressing . Waiting for someone to die does impact your life and you at least recognize it.

My hope is that you realize you will get through this, as we all will face this process. Stay strong .
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You are in a terrible situation. You are grieving for the loss of your mother, for your father's grief and low quality of life, and it sounds like for your father's coming death. There is nothing wrong with feeling totally crappy about all that stuff. Therapy might help. You might feel better when the one year mark passes. (There are no magic timelines, there are reasons why so many cultures mark that year in some way.) I hope you feel better soon. Until then, take care of yourself, get regular sleep, eat well, get exercise, talk to someone, and wait. Trust it will lift.
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If you haven't seen this, it is the best talk on grief that I have ever seen. Joe Biden talking to families of fallen soldiers.
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Dear Marciad4: Condolences to you and your family. May your Mother's memory be a blessing.
My suggestions:
1. Get a check up from your PCP.
2. Make an appointment with a Counselor or a Therapist.
There is no real time table with grief. Depression can suck the life right out of you.
Please consider my suggestions.
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I'm so sorry for your loss of your mother and for your anticipated loss of your dad. I can only imagine the range of feelings you must be having given the wedding and new grand baby coming! For me the chronicity of anticipatory grief has been the hardest. The simple answer is that we are all different and there is no clear time line for grief...it just is what it is. Here are some ways that have helped me over the years. Support Group ( you may want to check with your local hospice); spiritual counseling from your church/synagogue/mosque; seeing a Licensed mental health counselor; talking with your physician about the pros and cons of taking an antidepressant. All those are formal ways to reach out for the support you are describing you need. Informal ways are of great value like connecting with compassionate family members and friends..again it's asking for what you need and want...just like participating in this! Finally, you might simply begin to learn more about depression, loss. There are so many books and online "self help"materials. Please know that I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers
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My dad passed in 2013, he visited me in my dreams again last night but not the sweet older guy he had grown into. This time as the bossy critical dad I grew up with. I still miss him so very much and I really love the guy he had changed into and didn't get to enjoy the older guy for everything he was. Try to enjoy the time you have with him, if he says he will die soon then he is probably right. Will to live or die is strong. Grief is indefinite. Because we loved them and they are gone. Maybe you need a grief support group.
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You're grieving for your loss, it's normal and takes as long as you need, try to accept the loss and allow yourself to be sad, get active at your pace. a grief support group might help sharing your loss. Writing out your memories and your sorrow sometimes can help also, cry, laugh, enjoy your memories.
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You never get over the loss of a loved one.but you will learn to adapt to it.
Talk to lots of friends.
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When my wife died more than 8 yrs ago, i felt i lost everything. What rescued me were my children who helped me get back. What I can to you is the withdrawing from all the things you used to do is not doing you any good. it will always remind you of your pains. and that is the shortest way to depression - not good.
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Hello Marciad5 !

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties; my parents are elderly, difficult & VERY MEAN AT TIMES, but they're both alive, so I don't know exactly what you're going through!
I do know, however, what it's like to watch a younger sibling (47 year old sister), go from being a super fit, healthy athlete to a cadaver in 7 weeks; it killed part of me to face this reality...she died 16 months ago & until March 2016 I felt myself go deeper & deeper into the hole; every memory just made me cry regardless of where i was! I decided to give Zoloft 25mg/day a try & within 1 week the crying episodes had resolved themselves; the sadness is still there, but not a constant! I don't like to resort to medication, but sometimes things just keep on getting worse...there's a recipe for a natural antidepressant on youtube (made with organic honey, black pepper & real vanilla pods...he blends everything together into a cream), I intend to try it, but haven't yet. I also want to wean myself off the zoloft once I'm close to the end of my present vial.
All the best, hugs. Hope
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You need to seek help of a mental health professional who will be able to pin point. However, it does sound like a case of depression. Everyone is different when it comes to grieving and death, some people may take much longer to recover. For others, the depressions sets in long term.

The Lack of excitement or interest is definitely a sign of depression. So sorry you have to go through that.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand where you're coming from. My father expired in 2007, and since then I've been caring for Mom. I'm an only child with no other relatives in the country. I was very, very close to both parents for different reasons. My father was our family rock. He was my hero (because of his incredible family story). He was my support system as I was going through the normal stages of life...helping me deal with difficult co-workers at my first job...providing advice for how to choose the best mortgage rate...how to buy my first car, etc. I had a strong group of friends, but your parents are your safety net when disaster hits, so to speak. After he expired, I was lost...very lost for such a long time. I wasn't interested in doing fun things. I would just stay home. I wouldn't cry. I just didn't feel like doing the stuff I used to. And when I would force myself to reconnect with others or to do something I used to enjoy doing, this felt like it was more of a chore instead of a fun leisure activity. I just didn't feel I was in the "moment". I didn't enjoy the company. If this makes sense. People, clinicians automatically assume it's depression if you've lost interest in things you used to do. However, I saw a therapist and she said I suffer from dissociation - because the loss of my father and circumstances surrounding this loss was so traumatic, so deep, that my brain shut down as it was just protecting itself from emotional upheaval. My mind and body are not "one". This made sense to me actually. My brain shutting down is from unresolved grief. I have to force my body to "feel" what it's like to not have my father with me because my brain won't "feel" this, if this makes sense to you. Slowly, the brain will bring it's walls down and the body and brain will sync. I don't have depression. This is confirmed by a physician. I think you should look for a therapist that specializes in trauma. Death of a loved one is trauma. Yes, it's a normal part of life to lose a parent, but it also can be very traumatic. Google "trauma...dissociation" to learn more about about this. And also Google a trauma therapist in your area.
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Hi Marcia,
I want to say how sorry I am for the passing of someone very important to you--your Mom. I think that as a daughter it is a very painful loss to swallow. When my Mom passed away 8 years ago I experienced it as a very primal loss-no one ever talks about this stuff. Since her illness and death came quickly there was very little time to actually fully take in all that was happening. I just went into survival mode. I was very distraught and newly married and realized that I didn't want to vent incessantly to my husband. For me, talking with a counselor and saying my thoughts out loud really helped me get through this time. I too, was dealing with a sick Dad with a continual declining condition. So, Marcia, you are not just grieving a death, but, you are also grieving the end of your first family as you knew it. These structures were in place for you since you were a little girl and now they are going away and that is very sad. At least you have a family of your own that you can lean on if you need to.
It took me probably 2 years to be able to accept the new reality of my family and to not cry at that thought of her or her death. But, I got through it and now I know that I will always mourn her loss, but, I just accept it now as part of who I am. It does get better-so, hold on, and find someone you can vent to.
You will learn how to enjoy life again after you accept that you cannot control death or life sometimes for that matter.
I wish you all the best.
Tina G
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Marcia, so sorry you are going thru this but like you said you have children and they need to learn from you how to grieve after YOU are gone too! You wouldn't want them to give up a minute of happiness and put their lives on hold because of life's natural progression. Give yourself permission to grieve for a short time each day and then put it on a shelf and live. It is OK. It is your right and duty to your family and what your Mom would want.. God Bless.
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I don't think the grief ever fully goes away. My dad died 15 years ago at the age of 57 and I still cry, still talk about him, still wish I could talk to him. I especially miss him when I have a dilemma and want his advice, or when something really good happens and I want to share the good news. He died before I had my children, and that is also a source of sadness for me. It took me time, a couple of years of therapy and leaning on the Lord and my family, before I was able to reach the grudging acceptance stage. That is the stage I am in now. The "I accept it but I don't like it and you can't make me like it" stage. I'll probably stay in that one for the rest of my life. Grief has no time limit. You never get over the loss, but you do eventually learn to accept it and the time frame is different for everybody. It wouldn't hurt to go see a grief counselor. Talking about it always helps.
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My father resented me from the day of my birth and ever after. I could do nothing good in his eyes. I'm a bit grateful for that, because when he died, I didn't shed a tear, he saved me from grief. I do think of him once in a while with sadness - for his misery in life that prevented him from being a loving parent. I wish people suffering such grief well, read answers here, and hope you feel happier soon. (and there's nothing wrong with taking an anti-depressant for a while, seriously think 'why should I continue to suffer if there is a bit of relief through medicine?')
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You are going through a traumatic time right now and your feelings are to be expected! My mom died suddenly leaving me in the care of my dad who had dementia and various health problems. I struggled desperately for three years caring for him and my grade school aged son. It was rough! When he died i had the nightmare of cleaning out and trying to sell his hoarded and dilapidated house. I did not even begin to be able to really grieve until recently now that things have settled. Be kind to yourself. Do what you can. Force yourself sometimes to stay social and active. Eventually you will be able to have fun again. Its a process different for everyone. I still have saf days when i cry alot or something will make me think of them and feel saf. Its normal. We love and miss them forever but life also goes on!
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My father 93 year old died on the very same day that your Mom did so our timeline for grief is, strangely, exactly the same. You have the added challenge of watching your Dad prepare himself for his passing now. For me, I got busy right away after my Dad passed and worked extra hard where I'm employed. I don't have other family that is supportive but some wonderful friends who've helped by talking with me on the difficult days. I'm a teacher and am now on summer break so now am giving myself time to readjust to my new life. I find that my memory is generally very poor, find myself often distracted but am gradually just starting to enjoy life again. I'm not rushing myself. I let each day present the challenges it does and cope with whatever comes along, including those sad and hard times of feeling the loss. But then, I'm different in my situation from yours in that I'm not watching another beloved parent deal with his final days. That is different and much harder. You might try writing your Mom a letter, telling her all you feel. I've written my Dad twice. Doing so really helped me express my feelings. Who knows, but that he might even now know what is in my heart, wherever he is. Seeking a counselor is a good idea. That person can work with you one on one with your own special circumstances to help you cope now and prepare for the loss of your Dad and the eventual realization that you then will be without either beloved parent. That feeling overcame me when my father died because I lost my Mom 23 years ago. I'm not married and have no children so I was facing a life virtually alone. My heart goes out to you. I know, to a certain extent, how you feel. Watching these people who've known us from our first breath on this planet experience the pain and physical/mental failings in the last days and then to lose them altogether is extremely hard. It is true though that life is beautiful. I keep in mind that both my parents experienced the loss of their own parents and kept going. My father lost his wife 23 years ago and also kept going. Since I'm their child, I think I should have the strength to go on with my life as well. When your father passes, try to find the simple beauties in life that are around us everywhere. Life is wonderful. Our parents knew, and in your case, know that and live their own lives as long as they can. We'll be alright but yes, it takes time. And you need to be generous with yourself and give yourself time to breath and regain your own strength and life purpose. Many hugs.
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there is no timetable.I lost both my parents and there are days even though it has been several years,I still grieve.I miss allot.Certain smells bring back memories, certain books, you name it, some memories get stirred up by the smallest things.I am sorry for your loss.I miss my dad's advice.I miss my mom phoning me.There is no limit nor should there be.
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