My mom died on June 20 just last year from complications of COPD. My dad is living in a very nice AL facility. His health issues are many and I'm surprised he's hung on this long. He was recently hospitalized for pnemonia and his recovery has been very slow. He spends most days in his bed hooked up to oxygen, telling me and my husband that he will soon die. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I no longer want to spend time with friends. The thought of going somewhere, listening to music and dancing, things I used to enjoy, now just make me feel tired and depressed. My oldest daughter will soon give birth to our second grandson and another daughter is getting married this November. I should be happy and excited but I'm not. So I want to know-when will I feel normal again?
I am very sorry for your loss. I agree with many that posted taking care of yourself and doing things when you don't feel like it will help you start feeling like living again.
My loss is much more recent. I lost my mom three weeks ago. The first two weeks I was so busy with the service preparation and taking care of things for my dad, I just sort of walked through what needed to get done (no sibling support at all). Now this week, week three, I've been so sad. I have adrenal insufficiency and couldn't get off the couch yesterday. Maybe things are catching up with me. I feel like it's not fair for me to be sad because I asked God not to let my mom suffer anymore. It's all so confusing. I was my moms primary caregiver since 2012/13. I've always been super close to my mom and we did everything together. Now, I rack my mind trying to remeber my mom when she wasn't sick and I can't. I'm told the memories will come back, but I don't have one memory of before. I know intellectually what is fact, but the memories escape me. For now, I will continue to run and try to get through.
Grieving is a process (see Kubler-Ross). It lasts a lifetime. As time goes by, you learn to live with the loss, the pain becomes dulled (and in my case, pretty much forgotten), but it never really goes away.
God bless you for your loss and what you are going through.
I love the book by Theresa Rando, an internationally known grief counselor, called How to go on living when someone you lives dies. This book addresses expected death due to long term illness, unexpected death, suicide and death of children. It was given to me by a friend who lost her son due to the bombing of PanAm 103 for a friend who lost her spouse in a plane crash. Over the past 20 years I have given to many friends and family members as a gift of healing. It is available on Amazon.
We live in a world of marketing ploys which demand we celebrate with abandonment Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparents' Day, specific religious holidays as well as civic holidays which our dearly departed one(s) held very close to their heart After my dad died in April 1988, my birthday was a month later - what a void in my life even though the family and friends were determined to celebrate it, then Father's Day - I started crying in the card section because I could not buy my dad a greeting; the following year I turned 40 and the family threw me a 'surprise birthday' party which was NOT fun; and the 2nd year after my dad's passing I graduated from college with my BA which again was a bittersweet celebration. However, with a great deal of hard work on my part I have now incorporated my dad into my life and call upon him more often lately due to issues with my mom (89) and disabled sister (65). He gives my brother and me the strength to meet these challenges squarely with clarity, tactful force and humor.
Don't be afraid to talk to friends, especially acquaintances. I found acquaintances offered the best advice because they had been through this process and related to my pain in those early days. We often joked and called ourselves semi-orphans. Turn the grief into a positive because it is there to calm you and allows you to grow.
You have certainly had a stretch of loss. It frequently happens when in a marriage one spouse passes the other will also within a few months to years. There is even a diagnosis of Broken Heart Syndrome that is recognized by the American Medical Association.
Adult children frequently have some depression surrounding the loss of a parent.
This is especially true if the child is especially close to the parent. And grieving is an emotion that requires work. There are five stages to grieving. And when we allow ourselves to get stuck in the process of grieving it may be time for some proffessional help. And when I say 'professional' this may come from a grief counselor, a Hospice worker, perhaps a person educated in grief fro the religious affilation you attend. Some of these may cost money and others will not.
There is absolutely no shame in searching out the help of a grief specialist. And since your father seems to need some coaching as well, this may be the time for a familysession. You know many, many people chose to have this type of help. Usually there is a feeling of 'we do not share with others outside the immediate family' or we are unaware of how others talk of death.
Keeping a journal is a great guide to being able to see the ups and downs and very possibly what has precipatated these swings. Sometimes we can work through our feelings by physical exercise (I am aware this may not be an option for your father) however you might want to use this tool. The important thing is to keep trying to work through the emotions and don't keep them bottled up inside. We each can look at our life and see something that will help us. Puting some socially acceptable physical release to our emotions is another positive way to continue to work through them.
I once knew a woman who used baking to bring all of her emotions to the surface. She baked pies and bread. She was very good at the kneading and punching the dough. Many a time I would walk in and see her crying as she kneaded the bread dough. But when we sat down to each that bread or piece of pie, she would always talk about how her mother loved that recipe.
I really hope this will help a little. It truly goes without saying why there are pillows in Assisted Livings which say 'Aging is not for wimps'. Don't ever loss the courage to take the next step in healing.
***This is the article after I had a chance to get it ready***
You have certainly had a stretch of loss. I am so sorry. We can get you through this. Frequently in a marriage one spouse passes the other will also pass within a few months to years. There is even a diagnosis of Broken Heart Syndrome that is recognized by the American Medical Association. This diagnosis does not have specificity to be only between spouses. Adult children frequently have some depression surrounding the loss of a parent. This is especially true if the child is extremely close to the parent. And grieving is an emotion that requires work. There are five stages to grieving. And when we allow ourselves to get stuck in the process of grieving it may be time for some professional help. And when I say 'professional' this may come from a grief counselor, a Hospice worker, perhaps a person educated in grief from the religious affiliation the person attends. Some of these may cost money and others will not.
There is absolutely no shame in searching out the help of a grief specialist. And since your father seems to need some coaching as well, this may be the time for a family session. Many people chose to have this type of help. Usually there is a feeling of 'we do not share with others outside the immediate family' or we are unaware of how others talk of death or simply don’t talk about it at all.
Keeping a journal is a great guide for one to be able to see the ups and downs and very possibly what has precipitated these swings. Sometimes we can work through our feelings by physical exercise (I am aware this may not be an option for your father) however you might want to use this tool. The important thing is to keep trying to work through the emotions and don't keep them bottled up inside. We each can look at our life and see something that will help us. Putting some socially acceptable physical release to our emotions is another positive way to continue to work through them.
I once knew a woman who used baking to bring all of her emotions to the surface. She baked pies and bread. She was very good at the kneading and punching the dough. Many a time I would walk in and see her crying as she kneaded the bread dough. But when we sat down to each of those baked goods, she would always talk about how her mother loved that recipe.
I really hope this will help a little. It truly goes without saying why there are pillows in Assisted Livings that say 'Aging is not for wimps'. Don't ever loss the courage to take the next step in healing. This is so important for you as well as each member of your family.
But after a year, I think you deserve to get some relief from your incapacitating sadness. Please do seek help, and please agree to try an antidepressant. There are several types, and if you don't like the first one, tell your doctor you need a change.
An antidepressant isn't at all like "taking drugs." It won't bliss you out, but it should take the edge off your pain, and allow you to find some pleasure in your life. It is no more a crutch than insulin is. For some reason, your body is producing the wrong balance of chemicals. From what you say, you sound like you can barely function. I'm familiar with that feeling, and when I feel like that, I can't get s#!$ done. You are not much use to anyone the way you feel now. Get help, and you will be glad you did.
The suggestions about controlling the direction of your thoughts are good. I recommend having something you really enjoy for breakfast every day. If it's OJ or coffee, roll it around on your tongue for a sec, and notice how it tastes. Take a moment to enjoy the clouds and birds and flowers. This won't cure you, but it will crack open the door so recovery will begin.
I wish you the best.
I'm sorry to hear of the passing of your mother. Lots of good advice in all of these responses. :-)
My father passed away 3+ years ago from complications with pneumonia and 10+ years of Parkinsons. My sister, who was the primary caregiver, went to her doctor and got on Prozac for a while to help. I probably should have done the same, I was depressed and just doing the bare necessities.
I let nutrition go, I let my physical well-being go and inside, I felt very little. I understand now that grief is a roller-coaster of a ride. There's no going back to normal but rather, finding a NEW normal. There will be days that it feels like 100 ft waves are crashing in and the next day you just have one foot in a small puddle.
My advice. Cry when you feel like crying, don't stuff your feelings down. Yes, sometimes you have to force yourself outside but its worth it to get those happy hormones a'flowin. There's nothing wrong with going to the doc and asking for a prescription to help. I actually ended up going into therapy and that was what I needed more than anything. Friends were great for pick me ups. My children (7 and 8) inspired me to find a healthier way of working through my grief.
Freqflyer and I had similar circumstances with our mothers and we helped each other just being able to express feelings. Mom passed a few months ago, at 101. In the end she was in a NH, bedridden, in pain, suffering from dementia, deafness, fractures and needing to be fed and diapered. When she passed, it was a blessing, and none of us actively grieved because we had done that for 10 years. I miss the person she was. I often think about her, but as others have mentioned, I keep in my head the last few months and the last few years when she was so difficult despite my sister and I doing everything in our power to please her and make her happy. I am still recovering my health from the stress of it all (In two weeks I will be 70)
I am now moving on with my life, and as time goes by, although I am not actively grieving, there is the presence and thought of her, knowing she is in a better place.