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Marcia, you can grieve as long as you need to. Don't let any trace of guilt or shame touch you.
But after a year, I think you deserve to get some relief from your incapacitating sadness. Please do seek help, and please agree to try an antidepressant. There are several types, and if you don't like the first one, tell your doctor you need a change.
An antidepressant isn't at all like "taking drugs." It won't bliss you out, but it should take the edge off your pain, and allow you to find some pleasure in your life. It is no more a crutch than insulin is. For some reason, your body is producing the wrong balance of chemicals. From what you say, you sound like you can barely function. I'm familiar with that feeling, and when I feel like that, I can't get s#!$ done. You are not much use to anyone the way you feel now. Get help, and you will be glad you did.
The suggestions about controlling the direction of your thoughts are good. I recommend having something you really enjoy for breakfast every day. If it's OJ or coffee, roll it around on your tongue for a sec, and notice how it tastes. Take a moment to enjoy the clouds and birds and flowers. This won't cure you, but it will crack open the door so recovery will begin.
I wish you the best.
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If we have been close to Mom and she passes on, it leaves a big hole in our heart that is never completely filled. Every close person that passes affects us in a different way, and for different lengths of time. There is no normal - even for the same person losing different ones in their family, so don't be hard on yourself. The loss of moms, dads, spouses, and children are all devastating but affect the same person differently. I know because I have been through them all. There is a group that you may want to look into that might help some. Forgive me if this has been already suggested as I do not have time to read all of these responses. The group is called Grief Share and meets for a period of 13 weeks. If you Google it, you can find where there are meetings close to you and when they are being held. They gently help, guide, and show you steps to soften the grieving some. It helps tremendously just to be able to share with others what you've gone through and how you're feeling. Sometimes just getting those words out in the open, with others who are going through the same thing and understand, can help tremendously. You can also get good ideas from others on things they have done to help. Even though your mom has been gone a year, it's not too late. Some people even take the sessions over and over again. They are free to take though some groups charge a small fee for a workbook. You watch a very sweet and informative video with each meeting and then just share what's going on with the others and they share with you. Could help with going through the process with your father too. God bless.
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There is no right or no wrong answer here. The grieving process is one's individual needs.You cannot say "oh, the person left here on this God-given earth can only grieve for, e.g. 56 and 3/4 days." Then on day # 57, they put on their "happy face." No, it doesn't work that way. Interestingly enough, back from days of yore, grievers wore black for long periods of time.
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Grieving is a personal thing. I come from a family that excepts death pretty well. Yes, I miss the ones that have passed. Some too early. I realize my Mom will not live forever. We feel if she knew her final days would be spent with Dementia, she would rather not be here. If your grief starts to intrude on you going on with yourlife, maybe talking to a professional would be wise. You need to be excited about this new life. This baby will be a blessing. Your Mom lived a good life as did your Dad. Remember the good things. Jo
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Hello Marcia5

***This is the article after I had a chance to get it ready***

You have certainly had a stretch of loss. I am so sorry. We can get you through this. Frequently in a marriage one spouse passes the other will also pass within a few months to years. There is even a diagnosis of Broken Heart Syndrome that is recognized by the American Medical Association. This diagnosis does not have specificity to be only between spouses. Adult children frequently have some depression surrounding the loss of a parent. This is especially true if the child is extremely close to the parent. And grieving is an emotion that requires work. There are five stages to grieving. And when we allow ourselves to get stuck in the process of grieving it may be time for some professional help. And when I say 'professional' this may come from a grief counselor, a Hospice worker, perhaps a person educated in grief from the religious affiliation the person attends. Some of these may cost money and others will not.
There is absolutely no shame in searching out the help of a grief specialist. And since your father seems to need some coaching as well, this may be the time for a family session. Many people chose to have this type of help. Usually there is a feeling of 'we do not share with others outside the immediate family' or we are unaware of how others talk of death or simply don’t talk about it at all.
Keeping a journal is a great guide for one to be able to see the ups and downs and very possibly what has precipitated these swings. Sometimes we can work through our feelings by physical exercise (I am aware this may not be an option for your father) however you might want to use this tool. The important thing is to keep trying to work through the emotions and don't keep them bottled up inside. We each can look at our life and see something that will help us. Putting some socially acceptable physical release to our emotions is another positive way to continue to work through them.
I once knew a woman who used baking to bring all of her emotions to the surface. She baked pies and bread. She was very good at the kneading and punching the dough. Many a time I would walk in and see her crying as she kneaded the bread dough. But when we sat down to each of those baked goods, she would always talk about how her mother loved that recipe.
I really hope this will help a little. It truly goes without saying why there are pillows in Assisted Livings that say 'Aging is not for wimps'. Don't ever loss the courage to take the next step in healing. This is so important for you as well as each member of your family.
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Please disregard my last post. The article went to post without me. I will repost today. Thank you.
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Hi Marciad5,

You have certainly had a stretch of loss. It frequently happens when in a marriage one spouse passes the other will also within a few months to years. There is even a diagnosis of Broken Heart Syndrome that is recognized by the American Medical Association.

Adult children frequently have some depression surrounding the loss of a parent.
This is especially true if the child is especially close to the parent. And grieving is an emotion that requires work. There are five stages to grieving. And when we allow ourselves to get stuck in the process of grieving it may be time for some proffessional help. And when I say 'professional' this may come from a grief counselor, a Hospice worker, perhaps a person educated in grief fro the religious affilation you attend. Some of these may cost money and others will not.

There is absolutely no shame in searching out the help of a grief specialist. And since your father seems to need some coaching as well, this may be the time for a familysession. You know many, many people chose to have this type of help. Usually there is a feeling of 'we do not share with others outside the immediate family' or we are unaware of how others talk of death.

Keeping a journal is a great guide to being able to see the ups and downs and very possibly what has precipatated these swings. Sometimes we can work through our feelings by physical exercise (I am aware this may not be an option for your father) however you might want to use this tool. The important thing is to keep trying to work through the emotions and don't keep them bottled up inside. We each can look at our life and see something that will help us. Puting some socially acceptable physical release to our emotions is another positive way to continue to work through them.

I once knew a woman who used baking to bring all of her emotions to the surface. She baked pies and bread. She was very good at the kneading and punching the dough. Many a time I would walk in and see her crying as she kneaded the bread dough. But when we sat down to each that bread or piece of pie, she would always talk about how her mother loved that recipe.

I really hope this will help a little. It truly goes without saying why there are pillows in Assisted Livings which say 'Aging is not for wimps'. Don't ever loss the courage to take the next step in healing.
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I've just re-read the comments and would like to share something else about memories. Your 1st year is a difficult one due to the adjustments in your life.
We live in a world of marketing ploys which demand we celebrate with abandonment Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparents' Day, specific religious holidays as well as civic holidays which our dearly departed one(s) held very close to their heart After my dad died in April 1988, my birthday was a month later - what a void in my life even though the family and friends were determined to celebrate it, then Father's Day - I started crying in the card section because I could not buy my dad a greeting; the following year I turned 40 and the family threw me a 'surprise birthday' party which was NOT fun; and the 2nd year after my dad's passing I graduated from college with my BA which again was a bittersweet celebration. However, with a great deal of hard work on my part I have now incorporated my dad into my life and call upon him more often lately due to issues with my mom (89) and disabled sister (65). He gives my brother and me the strength to meet these challenges squarely with clarity, tactful force and humor.
Don't be afraid to talk to friends, especially acquaintances. I found acquaintances offered the best advice because they had been through this process and related to my pain in those early days. We often joked and called ourselves semi-orphans. Turn the grief into a positive because it is there to calm you and allows you to grow.
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Marcia, I'm so sorry about your loss. I lost my dad October 31, 2015 and am also having a tough time. My mother is still alive at 91, and has told me, "Do not grieve for me. I've had a good life and I'm not sorry to go." Of course, you know I'll grieve. I'm still grieving for my dad, as his last months were unpleasant. He was 92 so I know he had a full life and did many wonderful things just as he wanted most of his years, so I think I'm grieving more for how he died than that he's no longer with us. When I lost my son to a house fire five years ago, I sank into a deep, dark hole, staying in my bed in the dark for several months. It wasn't until friends forced me to come out into the light and live again that I could function. I will never "get over" my son and his father's loss, but acceptance enabled me to function again. So I get out of bed, tend to my pets--pets are wonderful for keeping you busy and in the world--and take each day as it comes. Some are good, some are bad, but I know tomorrow is another chance. I think of my father every day, and mourn him still, but it gets easier with the passage of time. I have no answer for how long it takes, as each person finds their own way through the shadows at their own pace. Just know that you will get through it because your father is still with you in your heart. No one can take him away from there. Sending hugs and best wishes to you.
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We grieve at different paces and at different times. Most begin to grieve at the time of the death, some don't grieve or show outward grief at the immediate time and only until another event does the grief wash over one.
I love the book by Theresa Rando, an internationally known grief counselor, called How to go on living when someone you lives dies. This book addresses expected death due to long term illness, unexpected death, suicide and death of children. It was given to me by a friend who lost her son due to the bombing of PanAm 103 for a friend who lost her spouse in a plane crash. Over the past 20 years I have given to many friends and family members as a gift of healing. It is available on Amazon.
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How long you grieve after a parent passes? It varies from person to person. I read somewhere it is approximately 3 years to adjust to the loss. It could be shorter, it could be longer. After I lost my dad in 2000, it was probably that long. It helps to keep busy... distractions are good.
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Whatever "normal" is depends on you. You obviously are depressed, so seek professional help and either get counseling and/or medication. You do not have to suffer! As far as the death of a parent, I can only speak from experience. My father died when I was 12 yrs., and my mother when I was 54 yrs., and I still miss them and think of them often. Why would you want to get "over" missing a parent if that parent instilled all the positive values you may have now? Do not allow anyone to tell you there is a timetable for grieving. Each grieves in their own time and way. I am sorry for your loss. (Maybe your father knows something his doctors do not know...)
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Dear Marcia, as others suggest, a period of withdrawal may be a sign of depression, which would be quite natural, but consider that quiet/inward focused time may be what you need. It sounds like you are still in a difficult and demanding situation. I could not fully mourn my Mom until my Dad also passed, due to the responsibilities of caring for him. It lingered and then wow it hit with a ton of bricks again. Also, some people start mourning a loved one in the stage your dad is in now. We're not all extroverts, energized by being and doing with others, either. I wish there wasn't so much pressure to act rosy and "get on with it" when that's not reality. If the will to get out of bed is hard or your heart is palpitating, I urge you to seek medical help. But on the flipside, don't put too much pressure on yourself to act or feel "normal" either. After caring for and losing my parents, I find it's something only others in a similar situation can remotely relate too. A year is a landmark, but I can't think of anyone I know who was close with their parent(s) who didn't feel tired and a daily tug until a few years had passed, let alone have all the finances and such buttoned up. It does get better, and a PCP consult is a very good idea, but allow your grief to follow your own path and know you are not alone in it taking more than a year to recover your daily luster from losing a parent/having another so ill.
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I wonder if a faith community could help you with this. An important thing I have come to believe is that a person's soul still loves you though they have passed on into the spiritual world--the love doesn't stop. And I have been taught that doing good deeds in their name and praying for them helps their soul advance closer to God. I think of my mom and dad and grandparents every day, though they have been gone many years. And when I find myself doing something good for someone else, I know where that impulse and teaching came from and think of them. All of us will face loss, but from loss comes a sense of compassion and understanding towards others having the same experience. It is an important attribute to have in the next "life." I find myself with an attitude of gratefulness towards the loved ones that have passed from my life for the love the gave me, their care, and their teachings. These are difficult times for you, filled with emotions, but when you can turn this around and look at the positives for these loved ones being in your life, for me it makes it not so painful. I can celebrate their life by recalling the good moments and by remembering them with loving deeds and actions. Sometimes, it is almost like they are with me...and who knows, perhaps they are.
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Honey, It depends on the person. My dad died in 2008 I still grieve for hi. Sometimes grief therapy works better than trying to do it on your own. Check your area for a unit that may have free one on one therapy sessions available. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.
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Grieving the loss of a loved one continues, to one degree of severity or another, for the rest of your life. My father died suddenly in 1962, when I was 18 years old. I was treated by a psychiatrist for severe depression for several months then finally recovered to the point I could get on with my life, including 8 years in the USAF, three years teaching public school, two masters degrees, 35 years working professionally with mentally disabled individuals, four kids and 7 grandkids. My mother died in 2000 following a terminal illness--being older and better prepared, I handled it much better (I thought). My wife suggested we attend a grief counseling seminar offered by our local hospice organization. During the sessions I was surprised (and relieved) to learn I was not only grieving loss of my mother, but still grieving the loss of my father and the loss of my firstborn child from 30 years earlier.
Grieving is a process (see Kubler-Ross). It lasts a lifetime. As time goes by, you learn to live with the loss, the pain becomes dulled (and in my case, pretty much forgotten), but it never really goes away.
God bless you for your loss and what you are going through.
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That's an impossible question, for which there is no right answer. A lot has to do with how old the parent and child were, but even then, no one is the same. I'm sixty, and we lost my father over 20 years ago, yet the I can still tear up on occasion, and I just appreciate having that much feeling for those I love.
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Hi Marcia,
I am very sorry for your loss. I agree with many that posted taking care of yourself and doing things when you don't feel like it will help you start feeling like living again.

My loss is much more recent. I lost my mom three weeks ago. The first two weeks I was so busy with the service preparation and taking care of things for my dad, I just sort of walked through what needed to get done (no sibling support at all). Now this week, week three, I've been so sad. I have adrenal insufficiency and couldn't get off the couch yesterday. Maybe things are catching up with me. I feel like it's not fair for me to be sad because I asked God not to let my mom suffer anymore. It's all so confusing. I was my moms primary caregiver since 2012/13. I've always been super close to my mom and we did everything together. Now, I rack my mind trying to remeber my mom when she wasn't sick and I can't. I'm told the memories will come back, but I don't have one memory of before. I know intellectually what is fact, but the memories escape me. For now, I will continue to run and try to get through.
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there is no timetable.I lost both my parents and there are days even though it has been several years,I still grieve.I miss allot.Certain smells bring back memories, certain books, you name it, some memories get stirred up by the smallest things.I am sorry for your loss.I miss my dad's advice.I miss my mom phoning me.There is no limit nor should there be.
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My father 93 year old died on the very same day that your Mom did so our timeline for grief is, strangely, exactly the same. You have the added challenge of watching your Dad prepare himself for his passing now. For me, I got busy right away after my Dad passed and worked extra hard where I'm employed. I don't have other family that is supportive but some wonderful friends who've helped by talking with me on the difficult days. I'm a teacher and am now on summer break so now am giving myself time to readjust to my new life. I find that my memory is generally very poor, find myself often distracted but am gradually just starting to enjoy life again. I'm not rushing myself. I let each day present the challenges it does and cope with whatever comes along, including those sad and hard times of feeling the loss. But then, I'm different in my situation from yours in that I'm not watching another beloved parent deal with his final days. That is different and much harder. You might try writing your Mom a letter, telling her all you feel. I've written my Dad twice. Doing so really helped me express my feelings. Who knows, but that he might even now know what is in my heart, wherever he is. Seeking a counselor is a good idea. That person can work with you one on one with your own special circumstances to help you cope now and prepare for the loss of your Dad and the eventual realization that you then will be without either beloved parent. That feeling overcame me when my father died because I lost my Mom 23 years ago. I'm not married and have no children so I was facing a life virtually alone. My heart goes out to you. I know, to a certain extent, how you feel. Watching these people who've known us from our first breath on this planet experience the pain and physical/mental failings in the last days and then to lose them altogether is extremely hard. It is true though that life is beautiful. I keep in mind that both my parents experienced the loss of their own parents and kept going. My father lost his wife 23 years ago and also kept going. Since I'm their child, I think I should have the strength to go on with my life as well. When your father passes, try to find the simple beauties in life that are around us everywhere. Life is wonderful. Our parents knew, and in your case, know that and live their own lives as long as they can. We'll be alright but yes, it takes time. And you need to be generous with yourself and give yourself time to breath and regain your own strength and life purpose. Many hugs.
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You are going through a traumatic time right now and your feelings are to be expected! My mom died suddenly leaving me in the care of my dad who had dementia and various health problems. I struggled desperately for three years caring for him and my grade school aged son. It was rough! When he died i had the nightmare of cleaning out and trying to sell his hoarded and dilapidated house. I did not even begin to be able to really grieve until recently now that things have settled. Be kind to yourself. Do what you can. Force yourself sometimes to stay social and active. Eventually you will be able to have fun again. Its a process different for everyone. I still have saf days when i cry alot or something will make me think of them and feel saf. Its normal. We love and miss them forever but life also goes on!
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My father resented me from the day of my birth and ever after. I could do nothing good in his eyes. I'm a bit grateful for that, because when he died, I didn't shed a tear, he saved me from grief. I do think of him once in a while with sadness - for his misery in life that prevented him from being a loving parent. I wish people suffering such grief well, read answers here, and hope you feel happier soon. (and there's nothing wrong with taking an anti-depressant for a while, seriously think 'why should I continue to suffer if there is a bit of relief through medicine?')
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I don't think the grief ever fully goes away. My dad died 15 years ago at the age of 57 and I still cry, still talk about him, still wish I could talk to him. I especially miss him when I have a dilemma and want his advice, or when something really good happens and I want to share the good news. He died before I had my children, and that is also a source of sadness for me. It took me time, a couple of years of therapy and leaning on the Lord and my family, before I was able to reach the grudging acceptance stage. That is the stage I am in now. The "I accept it but I don't like it and you can't make me like it" stage. I'll probably stay in that one for the rest of my life. Grief has no time limit. You never get over the loss, but you do eventually learn to accept it and the time frame is different for everybody. It wouldn't hurt to go see a grief counselor. Talking about it always helps.
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Marcia, so sorry you are going thru this but like you said you have children and they need to learn from you how to grieve after YOU are gone too! You wouldn't want them to give up a minute of happiness and put their lives on hold because of life's natural progression. Give yourself permission to grieve for a short time each day and then put it on a shelf and live. It is OK. It is your right and duty to your family and what your Mom would want.. God Bless.
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Hi Marcia,
I want to say how sorry I am for the passing of someone very important to you--your Mom. I think that as a daughter it is a very painful loss to swallow. When my Mom passed away 8 years ago I experienced it as a very primal loss-no one ever talks about this stuff. Since her illness and death came quickly there was very little time to actually fully take in all that was happening. I just went into survival mode. I was very distraught and newly married and realized that I didn't want to vent incessantly to my husband. For me, talking with a counselor and saying my thoughts out loud really helped me get through this time. I too, was dealing with a sick Dad with a continual declining condition. So, Marcia, you are not just grieving a death, but, you are also grieving the end of your first family as you knew it. These structures were in place for you since you were a little girl and now they are going away and that is very sad. At least you have a family of your own that you can lean on if you need to.
It took me probably 2 years to be able to accept the new reality of my family and to not cry at that thought of her or her death. But, I got through it and now I know that I will always mourn her loss, but, I just accept it now as part of who I am. It does get better-so, hold on, and find someone you can vent to.
You will learn how to enjoy life again after you accept that you cannot control death or life sometimes for that matter.
I wish you all the best.
Tina G
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand where you're coming from. My father expired in 2007, and since then I've been caring for Mom. I'm an only child with no other relatives in the country. I was very, very close to both parents for different reasons. My father was our family rock. He was my hero (because of his incredible family story). He was my support system as I was going through the normal stages of life...helping me deal with difficult co-workers at my first job...providing advice for how to choose the best mortgage rate...how to buy my first car, etc. I had a strong group of friends, but your parents are your safety net when disaster hits, so to speak. After he expired, I was lost...very lost for such a long time. I wasn't interested in doing fun things. I would just stay home. I wouldn't cry. I just didn't feel like doing the stuff I used to. And when I would force myself to reconnect with others or to do something I used to enjoy doing, this felt like it was more of a chore instead of a fun leisure activity. I just didn't feel I was in the "moment". I didn't enjoy the company. If this makes sense. People, clinicians automatically assume it's depression if you've lost interest in things you used to do. However, I saw a therapist and she said I suffer from dissociation - because the loss of my father and circumstances surrounding this loss was so traumatic, so deep, that my brain shut down as it was just protecting itself from emotional upheaval. My mind and body are not "one". This made sense to me actually. My brain shutting down is from unresolved grief. I have to force my body to "feel" what it's like to not have my father with me because my brain won't "feel" this, if this makes sense to you. Slowly, the brain will bring it's walls down and the body and brain will sync. I don't have depression. This is confirmed by a physician. I think you should look for a therapist that specializes in trauma. Death of a loved one is trauma. Yes, it's a normal part of life to lose a parent, but it also can be very traumatic. Google "trauma...dissociation" to learn more about about this. And also Google a trauma therapist in your area.
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You need to seek help of a mental health professional who will be able to pin point. However, it does sound like a case of depression. Everyone is different when it comes to grieving and death, some people may take much longer to recover. For others, the depressions sets in long term.

The Lack of excitement or interest is definitely a sign of depression. So sorry you have to go through that.
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Hello Marciad5 !

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties; my parents are elderly, difficult & VERY MEAN AT TIMES, but they're both alive, so I don't know exactly what you're going through!
I do know, however, what it's like to watch a younger sibling (47 year old sister), go from being a super fit, healthy athlete to a cadaver in 7 weeks; it killed part of me to face this reality...she died 16 months ago & until March 2016 I felt myself go deeper & deeper into the hole; every memory just made me cry regardless of where i was! I decided to give Zoloft 25mg/day a try & within 1 week the crying episodes had resolved themselves; the sadness is still there, but not a constant! I don't like to resort to medication, but sometimes things just keep on getting worse...there's a recipe for a natural antidepressant on youtube (made with organic honey, black pepper & real vanilla pods...he blends everything together into a cream), I intend to try it, but haven't yet. I also want to wean myself off the zoloft once I'm close to the end of my present vial.
All the best, hugs. Hope
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When my wife died more than 8 yrs ago, i felt i lost everything. What rescued me were my children who helped me get back. What I can to you is the withdrawing from all the things you used to do is not doing you any good. it will always remind you of your pains. and that is the shortest way to depression - not good.
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You never get over the loss of a loved one.but you will learn to adapt to it.
Talk to lots of friends.
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