Anyone familiar with elder care laws in Hawaii?
My Mother has been diagnosed with Dementia. She is in her 80's and if there are stages (1-10) she is about a 4 or 5. She still drives and lives alone as 3 of us live in the Mainland.
She has a sizable Trust that my 2 siblings control and have recently added themselves to be Co-Trustees. They are very concern that I may influence my Mother and try to take her money. Or so they say...
I have stayed away from my family (including my Mother) for about 5 years-needed a break from their means.
My Mother, about three years ago started begging and bagering my friends and Cousin to get in touch with me as she wanted to see me. She told them no one -including my siblings-had any idea where I was even though have had the same email address and friends (that my sibling they knew) for the past 20 years...
My Cousin finally contacted me and said she was at her wits end because my 2 siblings were not returning my Mother's calls and they were now ignoring her calls to help my Mother.
I finally relented-went to Hawaii to see what was going on. My Mother's memory is very short-termed as she constantly asked the same questions and at one point did not recognize me. I spoke to her Doctor who said she suffered from Dementia.
That is when I found out about her Trust and the changes (are in my 2 siblings favor) that were made. According to my Mother who English is her 2nd language, she was told by my siblings to sign it.
Of course there is much more to the story, but the bottom line is I don't think my Mother should be driving or living alone and the 2 Trustees and my Mother's Trust Attorney refused to do anything. Her Trust Attorney basically told me to butt out and that she is being "monitored very closely by her Doctors"-not true as I call them all the time.
My Mother is still complaining that neither of my siblings return her calls. This has been verified by my Cousin.
I will be visiting my Mother soon-should I contact someone and who would it be?
Any advise would be welcomed!!!
Thank you!
If this were my situation, I would go out and "visit" for a couple months,
and see how she was being taken care of. With her money she could
hire housekeeping help that would help her with her pills and food. You will
be able to see what doctor she is going to and what she takes.
Do her friends come over? If all is being taken care of you can go home in good conscience.
If she is being neglected, then get yourself signed up at POA, find her checkbook and get her what she needs. Make sure you take pictures of the neglect, as your siblings may be unaware of what is going on.
The time to act is now if you want to be involved. If your siblings aren't helping your mother, then as snowquail suggested your going out to stay with your mom for awhile is a good idea. Meet her doctors and find out how much they know about her situation.
The person in charge of the trust is working for your siblings at this time. You may need some legal help if they have her money cornered but are neglecting her care. It sounds like, at a minimum, the trust should be paying for in-home care and she should stop driving (the caregiver could take her where she needs to go).
Setting this up and convincing your siblings that this needs paying for will be hard, I'm sure, but try to get it done. Again, you may need legal help, or at least a consultation with Adult Protective Services if they refuse to use her money for her care. The idea of taking pictures before you do anything is a good idea.
We'd love an update from you when you have time,
Carol
Even if your mother did give her POA to your siblings, she can always revoke it and give it to you. I know that's not what you are asking but one of the posts read like if there was a POA then that was taken care of. It can always be changed as long as mom understands what she is doing.
Not all siblings choose to care for their parents in the same manner. Some think they are caring while others looking on think they are neglecting. I've seen siblings take oppositional actions when one wanted to force parents to go into care. One who is purporting to be keeping an eye on things neglected the parents, thinking it would make the parents have to decide to go into assisted living. Then, in this scenario, another outoftown sibling came for an unexpected visit. They discovered a dirty house. Meds not being taken. Dents all over the car and garage. No food in the frig. 50 cans of tuna in the cupboard and some of those spoiled and in swollen leaking cans. Dog covered in fleas. No dog food. Water dish empty. Parents wearing dirty clothes. Phone calls from bill collectors because bills aren't being paid. Grandkids showing up wanting cars consigned.
In the above story, a third outoftown sibling called for the elder abuse folks to investigate. They said things weren't so bad as to take action. So there is a broad range of acceptable behavior before any government action would or could be taken. Your poor cousin sees a bad situation with no help in sight.
You have to decide if you are willing to get involved to the degree it would take to be a real advocate for your mom. Very effective caretaking can be managed from afar. ( after all that's what your siblings are pretending to do. ) but it takes more than a drive by check on things. It sounds like you have a personal relationship with your mothers drs which is great. What your mother needs is an attorney that represents her interests. Perhaps the cousin or other family member could be hired to be the Onsite overseer of your moms care? Someone needs to have a care plan in place for the next stage of her dementia. And a special thank you to family members who aren't the first level relationship but do care and try to help their family members and friends.
In the above story it was the sister of the mother who checked on them and brought them food. Now that the parents are both gone, the sister has the little dog who gets the best of medical and personal care. You had your reasons for staying away from your family but obviously you do care for your mom and it sounds like she needs you in whatever capacity you can offer her help.