I have been married for 30 years. For the last 5 years my husband has been taking care of his parents who live close by. His mother passed away about 3 years ago. This time had been very stressful on our marriage due to the amount of time my husband spends with his parents. For 2 years we never went away. I was feeling neglected in our marriage. I was thinking things would change after my mother-in-laws passing. Now my husband's father is suffering dementia and other poor health issues. Although there has been live-in help at the house, often 2 caregivers at once, my husband still spends a lot of time at his father's house. He visits him DAILY staying for hours each visit. I wait for him to come home. I have dinner ready, we eat, watch tv and then bed. Go to work the next day and the same routine every weekday. He often works on the weekend and spends time with his father. In defiance I sparingly go and visit my father-in-law myself. There is also other family members around. His father is not short of visitors. When I have my own family events, my husband complains and often says alienating things to my family which is embarrassing. I think we are now starting year 6 of this eldercare odyessy. Believe me, my time is coming with my parents, as they are in their 80's and live close by. Who knows what their care is going to be. We are lucky that my father-in-law has the means for paid caregivers. I know we are luckier than most.
Because of my feelings of not being a priority in my husband's life our relationship is on a precipice. I have suggested counseling but he wants nothing to do with it. We are always angry at each other, and rarely do anything spontaneous. I'm feeling that his Dad gets the best of him and I get what is left over, which is a husband who is tired and stuck in a routine. In 30 years of marriage we've had disputes but the most recent was one that I'm not sure I can forgive. I've pretty much shutdown after this last fight and feel that nothing is going to change. He thinks I'm making too big of an issue about my feelings and thinks the status quo is fine. Is your marriage suppose to take 2nd place to eldercare? Am I being selfish and should just grin and bare these eldercare years? I'm tired of crying in the shower. Any advice.
LizBeth213
Mar 2, 2020
elaineSC, things are much better. Yes I took BlubirdKYs advice. We seem to be in a better place in our relationship. We are actually going out of town for a mini-vacation. Life is good.
You are welcome not to read my post and frankly I wish you would not if you are going to be ugly without actually reading what I wrote.
I would seek counseling for yourself and children if they are also feeling emotionally strained due to their father being gone or because of seeing you so sad. Many men however, feel that there is nothing wrong and that you don't need a counselling sessions.
Best wishes
I think you should talk to a divorce attorney. Most will see you for free the first time for about 30 min. Maybe even talk to 2 or 3. Just to see what are your rights in the state in which you live. Don't tell anyone that you are going.
Second, make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Hopefully hubby will go too, but even if he doesn't you can go alone.
And third, join an elder-care support group in your area. It does not matter if you are not the primary caregiver. Just being with others who are in the same or similar boat can be a "buoyancy" to your spirits.
I hope you get help with this ((prayers))
But I wish he would have handled my absence in a less passive aggressive manner than he did- which was to seek out companionship elsewhere. It's pretty crappy what he did, but I was an exhausted, irritable heap at the end of some days and a screaming banshee on others. What I would not have given to have someone cook for me or wait up. He said he got tired of waiting for me and I guess he did. Not sure our 37 year union will survive this. But it was a real dance of anger for both of us, I didn't hear him and I felt like he didn't see me and all I was going through with mom. He told me he felt like he was at the bottom of my list and that there was just nothing left of me at the end of the day and he was right. At least he was on my list, hell I wasn't even on my own list.
Mom's in AL now and it's getting better for me, I can exhale a bit. Not sure the marriage will survive. We're going to start counseling.
Please go on your own and find a therapist you can relate to. If you don't like the first one, just go until you find one you mesh with. You deserve a life he does too. He may be operating out of FOG, like I was ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt). I wish you both the best.
Most relatively healthy marriages can weather the emergency, rally together end-of-life stuff. But when a someone is ignoring the needs of their spouse to provide care for someone for hours who already HAS care, that does raise a warning flag of some kind.
Making him dinner, waiting on him to eat... none of these things sound like selfishness. Not showing up now doesn’t mean she didn’t for years prior... I can’t really get a sense of that from the post.
Years of day to day habit, after being asked to go to counseling, sorry but acting like men are stupid doesn’t help this situation. They aren’t dumb. He knows there is a problem. What we can’t determine on the internet is where it is coming from. But if he is going to turn a deaf ear to his wife, then I agree that she may want to just start doing her own thing. Truly, you can love someone and show kindness without enabling them or letting them walk all over you.
His dad has care. He is not alone.
My guy had a very hard time saying no to his parents, so I know it is challenging... but he still managed to hear me when I needed him to. She isn’t expecting the moon... especially because DAD HAS CARE.
That is one of the biggest problems in our society, women wanting MEN to act like women and when they don't they get lambasted. Men are different and they process information different, fact, not fiction.
Perhaps you are the one who hasn't been listening:
"For 2 years we never went away."
"He visits him DAILY staying for hours each visit."
"There is also other family members around. His father is not short of visitors."
"When I have my own family events, my husband complains and often says alienating things to my family"
"I have suggested counseling but he wants nothing to do with it."
She HAS been making his home a castle. She has tried to be his ROCK. Yet you are scolding her that none of what she does is good enough so try harder. And if you believe marriage is a sacred covenant then it's not okay to abandon your spouse:
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24
"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh." Ephesians 5:31
"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:7
Old Testament or New, it's pretty darn clear.
I would not want to go home either knowing I was going to be b*tched at for not bowing to my spouses wishes. It is self fulfilling, when you make your man wrong for what he is doing, he stays further away. Not stupid, how men are built. They stay away from drama as much as possible.
My first was reaction reading your post was that you are a spoiled brat and you don't deserve a man that is willing to give so much to the ones he loves. I am sorry if that seems harsh, but I realized that you are or have been spoiled because you have a husband that cares and they do spoil us. It is whether we can not be brats that makes the difference.
One thing that I know from conversations with my precious husband when we were facing family crisis' that took him away from home, both physically and mentally. Men DO NOT process emotions nor do they have the same type of emotions that women have, that's why he said that you are making to much about your feelings. He doesn't get that you are hurting, he is only seeing you in the light of your actions, you are not visiting his dad out of spitefulness, you are angry about the time he is and you are having verbal confrontations in front of your family, he is seeing that you don't have his back in one of the hardest situations he has ever faced in his life. He sees that he is doing what he feels like he has to and you are threatening to divorce him, he is in a position of seeing that he can't win and be true to himself. That is never a good place to be, or to put someone in.
Have you tried engaging with the care for his dad?
I can't imagine that your husband would not appreciate you saying, hey, Saturday let's go have breakfast with your dad, I will make a breakfast casserole or dads favorite dish and then the 2 of us can go (fill in the blank.)
You are being unfair to him, he is in a difficult situation, lost his mom and is staring the fact that he is losing his dad in the face and his wife is making noises about divorce. I think that everyone of us, if we were honest would feel a bit angry, resentful and hopeless in this situation.
Have you planned a vacation and told the rest of the family that you guys will be gone and enlist them in more visits? You need to take the initiative right now, your husband is holding things together the best way he can, he needs to get out of the forest to see the trees.
Another thing that I know is that none of us want to go home when we know it will just be more stress and arguing over the same thing.
Make him want to come home, make it safe and stress free. Make it his castle and make him feel like a king.
If after 30 years you can't see how hard this is on your husband you haven't been paying much attention.
You haven't faced the parental caregiving for your parents yet, but I promise you that you will find out how frustrating, confusing, emotionally charged and stressful it is. Here is part of the worse you promised to love him through, make the effort to be his support and rock for now. You will regret letting this ruin your marriage, it will seem so petty when you are elbow deep dealing with your parents at the end of their lives.
Go enjoy some family time with him and your FIL, bring a special treat and show both of them some love. It really does move mountains.
Is it jewish guilt I just can't let her fend for herself. I have try to drop food run out, just not to talk or fight with her over sonething stupid. but to never hear a TY an
now complaining of all my food I want to stop. And like she promised 7 months ago how I would benefit oh so much because she will be calling out for dinner ever night Ha! I staring going to psychologist after 20 minutes he agree she's a b*tch and not your mother! So in reality what do we do as women. Do it anyway and try to cope with the re-percussion afterward. Good luck hide when you can. This month is work on me, need toe oper. Spend time with cancer sister, gain weight get through my flare of crohns. Learn calm. If they have money let them pay enjoy your time alone or get a hobbie, bingo the gym. Be happy your husband helps with his mom.
and He also knows that He will never be at peace with Himself if He does not take Care of His Father same as His Mother. Stand by Your Husband LizBeth
as this time will pass, support and help Him Care for Your Father in Law and
You will never loose Your Darling Husband. What You Both have is priceless
and please cherish it and never loose it. Now You must see that if You ever become ill Your Husband would never leave Your side and He would Care for
You too. A Man like that is as rare as hens teeth. You are one Lucky Girl.
I don't know any of the parties involved, but my gut level inclination would be to drop by your FIL's somewhat randomly from time to time, "just to see if you need help with anything " or "just to say hi," in order to see who really is/isn't there, or what is really going on there. It may be that FIL does go into full-blown whackadoodle sundowners and become a challenge for one person to handle, or it may be that everyone is just sitting around calmly in the parlor warching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show and reminiscing fondly about the old days.
I think I would do some looking into the legal/financial ramifications of separation and divorce first, just in case hou don't like what you find, or your visits accelerate anything on your husband's part.
He may be as pure as the driven snow, but that is a whole lot of unverified hours away from home, some of it presumably in the company of other women in a rather private setting. And any of those women might look sweet and noble to him (not so hard when one is on the clock) or he might look sweet and noble to one of them (not so hard when all he truly has to do is show up and neglect the most important relationship in his life).
Three months ago I put my 95 year old mother in a small memory care facility. I am in my 70s and pretty good health, I am also a nurse. I am married for 55 years to high school sweetheart. Mom has Alzheimers. Putting her in a facility has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. I feel like I should be taking care of her myself. Guilt simmers. Hubby is a very good man but he doesn't want to sacrifice our "us" by my taking care of Mom. He is protecting us - like you want to orotect your "us". I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Guilt either way.
However, we had the same discussion when it was HIS mother in a fragile place. I wanted us to be the ones that loved on her as well, rather than leave her alone and yulnerable to abuse or heing ignored, alone in a bed that was not hers. He wanted her in a facility . She did break a hip in the first facility then went to another facility where they met her physical needs and ignored her otherwise. We finally did bring her home with us where she lived the last 3 weeks of her life. She died in our home, with us by her side. I had the privilege of watching my man reveal his character. I knew, watching him, he would care about and love me the same way, if that time comes for us. I feel even safer with him knowing I won't be a throw-away and he will love me as much. IMaybe your dear hubby is struggling with his own guilt, and protective side, trying to get it right. And strong emotions. Strong emotions can be scary. It will be hard but make his home a safe place to land. I've been known to hug my husband when I feel distanced and say "Honey, I'm your friend." To which he replies "I know. Maybe my only friend. I'm sorry." And the ice begins to melt.
I had the privilege of watching my husband love his mom deeply. We turned her every 2 hours to prevent bedsores 24 hours a day . She was nonverbal but we could see in her eyes she was still in there . He put a recliner on both sides of her hospital bed. He switched from side to side all night long, with each turn and held her hand through the night so she would not be frightened or feel abandoned. In the morning he got up, showered, and went to work while I cared for her. I slept on the sofa near them at night.
Hubby and I are wired differently. You end your dear hubby are, too. Hubby and I have dufferent weaknesses -- and strengths. All couples do. Each one needs, complements, and completes the other. He needs you, really needs you right now. And you, him, which is why you are struggling. The other part of you (him) is hurting too and missing from you.
You still have a solid foundation on which to stand. Find it again then hold on tight, nourish it, and remember what drew you to him in the first place. Think on those things, rather than the thoughts you have been nourishing. It will take effort but the outcome is worth the work. That man you loved way back when is still there, though buried under a lifetime. He us still worthy of investing in.
Caregiving has challenges. Marriage has challenges. Parenting has challenges. Work has challenges. Life is a series of changes. And challenges. This is just one more. You absolutely have what it takes to get through them. But it's a choice only you can make.
Don't assume divorce will make everything better. Or that a better man will. Statistics prove 67% of second marriages end in divorce, too. And 75% of 3rd marriages end in divorce. Statistics paint a bleak picture for the future after divorce. And that is not even mentioning that neither side of a divirce leaves the marriage feeling like a winner. Or that divorce is financially devastating. It tears at the hearts of even grown children too.
Much living and loving has happened in 30 years. Some tears.
You are discouraged. Discouragement is not a good time to make life changing decisions.
Be cautious
Point here -- through all this my spouse hung in there with me. I did try to see his point of view and I was extremely candid with him about why I did so much. I valued his opinion although sometimes it was hard for him to grasp how a person (my mother) could be so cruel and manipulative because his family was so nice. So, we talked a lot and I also went to a counselor to help me with perspective. I was at a breaking point mentally and physically trying to be everything to everyone (this includes the calls from her neighbors and from the care-aide agency). I forgot about ME and that was an eye-opener. Age and ailments started to take their toll. Please take the advice here to do something for you, then as you get stronger, try to encourage your spouse to take breaks with you too. Also, seek advice for yourself about elder care so you can offer alternatives for FIL care, plus be prepared for your parents' care as needed. It is overwhelming if you do not have a plan.
Ask yourself -- what are the true motivators here for hubby spending so much time with his dad when hubby still has a job and that there are live-in aides in place with his dad already? Is it competition with a sibling? Is it an inheritance? Are the care aides relying on hubby to do too much? (I saw this happen with a friend)
Ask yourself -- what would happen if you or your spouse had a heart attack or died in a car accident? Pouf! Just like that, what would you/he do?
That was my epiphany -- almost dying on an interstate (near miss by a truck) to make me realize I had to get the responsibility to a plan-B. AND I prioritized my time with my own family after that. Got my ducks somewhat in a row. It helped to have camp-outs or suppers with no phone with me. It didn't solve everything but made the last few tough years bearable because I rejuvenated myself both personally and in my marriage. The counselor helped me to realize that alcohol-fueled senility is not rational behavior from a parent or any family member for that part! Don't divorce to make a major change at this time. Just do some things for yourself. You're at your wits end (crying in shower -- been there! sobbing with frustration).
Define both yours and hubby's "motives" for caring for aging parents. Remember that relationship with parents is not "until death do us part." Form your eldercare Plan-B. Geriatric specialists are helpful. Good luck.
Quit going to visit if you are doing it defiantly. You are just carrying your own can of gas and a fan to the fire. It is not helping anything.
Instead of sitting at home all day pouring salt on your wounds, get out and enjoy the time God has given you with good health and ability to get around. Hubby is not there, so there is no reason you should shut yourself in. Think of it as he is away at a job and you have time to get out and about. You may find that you are happier being around others, enjoying things you like and improve the environment at home. On the other hand, if your husband's time with his dad is simply more than you can live with - perhaps you aren't really on a precipice. You may have drawn a line in the sand.
Quit crying in the shower and seek out interests that will engage you in life while you are able!
First I would assess the balance of my relationship with my husband. You mention disputes in the past, but got over those. Most people DO have disputes - we are all different, have different backgrounds and ideas and more often than not those can result in rifts. If the relationship has a good foundation, you get past them. Although this current situation has been longer, perhaps you can eventually get past it too.
He may be tired and cranky, but given the circumstances this might be normal for him. Not every man would devote their time and energy to anyone, much less declining parents - some relegate this "duty" to their wife and do nothing to help in their own parent's care. On some level I would find this reassuring. Although you might have expected it to get better when MIL passed, he may be feeling the impending loss of his father now too, and wants to spend as much time with him now while he still can.
Rather than accuse or argue with him about how much time he spends there, why not spend more time there with him? You indicated that you spend little time there in "defiance." Why? If you went more often, you would get to see what goes on and be supportive of him. You never know - he might appreciate it! As you noted, your parents' time could be coming too. If you are supportive of him now, would he be more apt to support you if/when their time comes?
"When I have my own family events, my husband complains and often says alienating things to my family which is embarrassing." This may be his way of lashing back - you won't spend time with him and his father, and from the sounds of it you are resentful, so perhaps he resents the time with your family, and/or that they are still healthy, while he has lost his mother and will soon lose his father.
Remember too that we can only change ourselves and/or our reactions to what others do/say. You are not likely to change him or what he feels is important. I would suggest working on keeping your cool, not accusing or asking him to change himself. It won't be easy, but it might be worth it to calm the storm.
So, there are three options that I can see:
1) Work it out. Offer to go along with him, rather than being "defiant." Try to maintain your cool and be understanding of how he feels and what his relationship is with his father. Realize that your parents' time may be soon, and having his support would be very beneficial to you.
2) Continue to refuse going with him and find outlets for yourself. A healthy relationship should include each having their own interests. Find ways to find happiness outside of the home. Yes, there should be time spent together too - for now, that could be going with him/helping him.
3) Divorce. Not sure what this would really accomplish, but if that's what you decide is best, that's what you should do. FIL likely won't last forever - 6 years is a lot to "give up", but you both will likely have many more years left after FIL passes.
Some time spent assessing everything, and weighing the good vs the bad is what you need to do. WE can't and shouldn't be making this decision for you. Divorce can be very hard on both of you, your children, your assets and still not get you to where you want to be. Think long and hard before making that decision.
(P.S. Others planting seeds about any dalliance are not exactly constructive. OP has enough to deal with without putting what could be false ideas in her head! If she offers to go more often with hubby to visit and he refuses, then sure, consider that option, but until the effort is made, why throw this crap out there?)
My husband (seems) to be very understanding but I know this has worn him down as well. I have made it clear to him that he is my priority. I make sure to tell him that often. I hope it makes up for the times I am pulled away from our own goals and dreams. My husband is very outgoing, he is usually the center of attention wherever he goes, so I often have to quickly switch gears from demoralizing elder care to being bubbly and seeming carefree (LOL) around our large circle of friends. I feel I am always walking a tightrope. I often tell my husband that I have to quickly transition from being in the land of the dying to the land of the living. My parents' primary focus since they turned 70 was dying and they are very unpleasant to be around.
I am an only child. My husband is the third-youngest among four brothers. His oldest brother usually takes charge of their parent elder-situations. My husband has only had to help out a few times. Until you are stuck shouldering these situations all by yourself, you have no idea how tough it is on your whole well-being.
I hope you will not follow the advice to leave your husband, divorce, etc. Take some time to strike out toward your own hobbies & interests. Join a gym, take a class, volunteer at an animal shelter, join a club, go out with friends. Move on from focusing inward toward your home & stewing over your husband's current choices. Maybe if your husband sees you doing things you enjoy, he will grow weary of living in a sad rut and start to branch out and re-join your marriage.