I guess I'm really doing things wrong here. My daughter in law isn't speaking to me. As I've written previously, I have a pretty full life. A full time job, which I love, but the hours are horrendous right now because I am team lead on a project for my department. I'm trying to keep it at 10 hours a day but it is hard sometimes. I work out 3 to 4 times a week and this past term I took an online class at the community college, in a subject I was interested in, just to get my mind on things other than my job, which ended up with 10-12 hours of homework a week. It was all I could do to slog through that but now the class just finished this week. I would normally only see the grandkids once a week for an hour or 2 on the weekend because of everyone's work schedules - my husband is retired, however. We bring them down sometimes to our house but at ages 4 and 2, they are pretty exhausting. I haven't seen the grandkids as much the last few months and her family is visiting out of state for a month so I have been giving them space. They live walking distance away but she's not speaking to me and goes in the house when I show up so I stay outside with the kids. My husband walked down for a few minutes tonight - everyone was outside. I finished working (I work from home) and had a Zumba class to go to so I stopped by on my way. She immediately went in the house and told my husband after I left that maybe she needed to 'schedule' time with me to see the grandkids. I'm sad, it makes me cry. We've never had these issues before. My husband says it is her fault, not mine. I feel like screaming. I wish this family would quit trying to change me! I actually just cut my hair short because they didn't like it long. Makes me just want to leave....why can't the leave me alone? Oh, and with all this, which is the reason I'm on the forum, I'm conservator and guardian for my 96 year old dad who lives in memory care.
I cannot imagine any circumstances in which I would cut (or grow) my hair according to somebody else's preferences. My SIL once asked me if I planned to start colouring it, which I thought rather personal of her, but even then a simple no sufficed to end the conversation.
Anyhooo, not really the issue, is it.
I don't see anything that suggests your DIL is angry with and not speaking to you because she believes you ought to spend more of your time with your grandchildren. To me it looks as though she can't trust herself to be civil to you so she keeps out of your way. Either there is something that's happened that has seriously pissed her off, or it's one of those unfortunate personality mismatches which is nobody's fault. Why does your husband feel it's all down to her? - and did he mean anything by that, or is he just being nice?
In their middle-grade years, I lived closer. They visited for weekends along with their parents. Those were fun times. Now they're teenagers and busy with their own lives. My contribution is guidance, praise and listening, and I surprise them once in a while with a gift that fits in with their known interests. It arrives unannounced at their door and they love it.
I live further away from them at this time in my life than I ever expected to, and I wish I could see them more often. But it is what it is, and that's okay.
Yes I have been there for my daughter as my Mom was for me. But, it should not be expected. My Mom and MIL raised their kids with no help from their mothers. No help from their MILs who had raised 8 of their own. My Mom helped because she didn't work and I did. I did not take advantage of that. I rarely asked her to babysit. My DH figured we chose to have kids, they went with us or we stayed home. My MIL would not babysit for us. She didn't even ask to have my daughter.
It really cracks me up the the newer generation of kids thinks they need breaks away from their kids. I never had a break or expected it. My kids went into a playpen (seems these are not used anymore) so I could clean or just sit for a few minutes. Breaks were maybe nap time. My DH worked nights so not there to help me run them here and there. If your not willing to put in 24/7, 365 days a yr, and 18 years into fully raising a child, then don't have them. Your parents raised their kids. Grandkids are for enjoying when u can and being able to give them back when u want.
We will fly there and stay with those two. There will be their nanny for part of the day. We have generally visited them once a year.
We do our best to help out when around them. We do meals,bathtime,bedtime as well as take them to activities and stay with them when their parents go out. I also am frequently on my knees picking up everything on the floor that doesn't belong there.
I wish we could be closer but we really don't like these locations in terms of living there fulltime. Park City is great but we are sick of snow after decades living in NY. Houston is just so big and crowded.
They all enjoy coming to me as we are a short walk to the beach and ocean.
I have a funny story about one time when my husband and I went away for a long weekend to celebrate our anniversary. My parents stayed at our home to watch our daughters.
My daughters adored spending time with my parents.
Anyway, you reminded me of something when you said that you frequently picked up things off of the floor that didn’t belong there.
I gave my girls the talk about grandma and grandpa being in charge of everything while we were gone and to please cooperate with them.
Of course, they said that they would. Ha! My mom would report back to me about their behavior. So, I knew if they didn’t listen.
Mom told my daughters to pick up and put away their toys before getting ready for bed. My oldest daughter did. My youngest daughter would always test her boundaries.
She decided to throw her blanket over the toys instead of picking them up! When my mom told me about it we were both cracking up at how far my daughter would go to avoid doing something that she didn’t want to do! I guess she thought she was hiding the toys from grandma’s sight. Who knows? She was a goofy kid at times.
So, my mom calmly told her again, “Please pick up your toys and put them away where they belong. My daughter wouldn’t listen to her.
It was time for bed and mom was tired, my daughter was tired and mom felt like it wasn’t worth the fight right then and there.
BUT, my daughter picked the wrong grandma to test! LOL
My mom said to her, “Okay, we can let your toys sleep under your blanket tonight and in the morning before anything else happens you will have to pick them up and put them away.
My mom said that she went straight over to her toys and picked them up without her even asking. Mom hugged her but said to herself that she reminded her of me when I was young!
Gosh, my children did things that I felt were my payback for what I did at times. I don’t know what I will do if I ever have grandchildren and they test me. I’m getting older now. They may give me a heart attack! LOL 😆
Kids are so funny!
Whatever the answer, as you well know you’re free to do as you wish.
I do know people who decided not to help their elderly parents - because the elderly parents didn’t help with the grandkids.
You’re free to do as you want. Only your conscience knows what’s right. But the fact that you post about it on this website, means you’re not so sure what to do.
It’s not about what everyone else does. So what? If a million people do “something”, does that popular “something” make it good?
It’s not automatically good/bad to be in the minority - doing something, most people aren’t doing (let’s say hypothetically 95% of grandparents - worldwide - spend much more time with their grandkids).
Different angle:
Some people stay as busy as possible, in order to avoid having to spend time with this or that person. One tends to go out of one’s way to spend time with people one wants to spend time with: people will overcome enormous obstacles just to spend 5 minutes with someone.
In any case, your conscience knows what to do. Follow what you feel is right. Follow your gut. That applies to all tough decisions.
When I was still working, I used to come by daughter #1s apt early in the AM after dropping dh at work and sit with the baby while my daughter and her husband got ready for work. I did that until I changed jobs when he was about 18 months old. From there on in, I picked him up once a week after daycare and we had a play date until dinner. Once he started elementary school, I generally picked him up at home and transported him to Hebrew School once a week.
With my other grandchild, I have generally picked her up once a week after school, sometimes for transport to an activity and sometimes for a playdate and sleepover.
I don't care what other folks think about my hair and in turn, I have no opinions about the lifestyles of my childrens' in-laws unless their craziness directly impacts me or my child complains.
Why does it matter to you that they don't drive in Germany? Have you looked at EU gas prices lately? Having a good rail system is a blessing for the environment and convenient as well. Such a shame that we in the US don't invest in better transportation systems.
What DIL said to schedule time with you is completely inappropriate.
And why would you cut your hair because they did not like it? It is not about haircut, obviously criticism and too much control over your life bothers you.
The point is what would you like to do?
You said that your DIL is close to her family. This is what she is accustomed to. This is her perspective on what a family should be. You may not be as family oriented.
You live a different lifestyle. You’re busy. You like doing things that you enjoy in your spare time. Exercise, a Zumba class or whatever, isn’t a waste of time. It reduces stress and is an investment in our health.
Anyway, each of you has a different outlook on how much time should be spent with each other and this is neither good nor bad.
A problem arises if there are underlying issues for your DIL not speaking to you.
Would you feel comfortable discussing this with her? Just ask her if she has anything on her mind that perhaps she would like to discuss with you. You may be able to clear up any confusion or misunderstandings if they exist.
I am not saying that you or she is at fault for anything. No accusations from me. Just thinking that sometimes it is necessary to address the elephant in the room.
There may be a chance of resolution if you and your daughter in law would be willing to have a calm
and meaningful conversation.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
I was the cool grandma who took them to all the fun places including ziplining and taking them to get their ears pierced and even their nose pierced(yes even my oldest grandson)pretending to be their "mom." They loved coming to spend time with me, because they knew they were guaranteed to have a great and fun time.
Of course as my late husband got worse, I had to wait for them to come see us, which they did as often as they could with their busy schedules.
However, other than when they were first born because I lived 2 hours a way I really didn't get to do much of the hands on care with them. I just got to have fun with them and spoil them with love.
My oldest grandchild/son will be 23 in June and he and his girlfriend are expecting a daughter in July which will now make me a great grandmother at the young age of 63. They are living in Florida and I will be going down next month for the baby shower and again after the baby is born.
My other 2 grandsons are both 20,(one's my daughters the other is my sons stepson.) Then I have 2 granddaughters who will be 19 and 17 in May and June.
Now that they're all pretty much grown with jobs, in school and such I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, but I certainly understand and try and just make the most of when I do get to see them.
And the really cool thing is that they all still like to hang with me,(that's because I'm a "funky grandma") which of course makes my heart very happy. My daughters 4 and I are pretty close, however my step grandson because he came into my life around the age of 10, we aren't as close. He knows that I love him and that's all that matters.
I find now that because I am in the process of rebuilding my life after my husbands death 2 1/2 years ago, that I stay pretty busy too, so the fact that I don't get to see my grandchildren as often as perhaps I once did,(because we're all busy)is all good because we all have our lives to live and I am just blessed to have them in my life.
They know that I am just a phone call away and that I will be there for them until the Good Lord takes me Home.