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My take on this is a little different. My brother lives 1200 miles away and he was having very little contact with our parents (now aged 100 and 96), who live in an assisted living facility. He and I had a discussion on what he could do for ME from that distance, and I told him call our folks every week at an agreed-upon time. It gave me one day where I didn't have to contact them. But it also gave them bragging rights to their friends at the facility, because so many have no family contact at all. So he calls on Sunday afternoons each week, and they really look forward to it. So cc, maybe if you asked your brother to do this for YOU, he would be more responsive.
If he is a pastor he is going against his own doctrine. It is written that the Christian who does not care for his own family is worse than a non-believer. Sometimes religious people see their church as their family, and your brother also has quite a large family where he is to tend to. Still a call every week or two wouldn't be too much for anyone, no matter how busy.
With my brothers I encourage, but I take the stance that their relationship with my mother is between her and them. We're not a close family, so I understand things. I also know they take good care of their wives, children, and grandchildren, so I cut them some slack in my mind. I do not have the pulls on my life that they have on theirs.
I'm SURE you've figured out before this point in your life that men and women think differently. Many books have been written on this subject. Ha ha.
Brother may have a little bit of a stubborn streak so that the more you discuss this with him, the less likely he is to do it. Because then it would be your idea, not his.
Men don't always know how to handle the uncomfortable-ness that comes when their parents reach this stage. They are more hands on, not touchy-feely. This is a generalization, not a hard and fast rule of course.
Also I would like to say that time passes as different rates of speed for different people. Some people feel every minute of every day, where I'm always surprised when Friday arrives because it just seems like yesterday was Friday. Time passes very quickly for me.
I will throw this out, it would have driven my mother absolutely crazy if I'd called every day in years past. She would've felt like I was imposing on her, keeping tabs on what she was doing or something. I guess other mothers would have gotten their feelings hurt if their daughters didn't call every day. So there is no normal. It's just what feels comfortable for the parties involved.
Without your mentioning it to them, do your parents even know how often your brother calls? Do they recognize the passage of time? Do they lament that they haven't heard from him in a while? Can they call him when they want to?
I wouldn't put any blame on his job. We all have things ie jobs, hobbies, whatever, that we spend our time on. I suppose non-Christians could be frequent callers, so I'm not sure that his religious beliefs should come into play either. Honoring our parents can be played out in various ways, I'm not sure that God meant call once a week. Perhaps brother donates money in their names to a charity? Who knows, I don't.
Encourage your parents to call your brother and establish a phone relationship. He may reciprocate, once that relationship has been established.
I disagree ferris1, I think decent people call because it is the right thing to do. Extremely selfish people only do it when they darn well feel like it and it makes THEM happy and to heck with caring towards anyone else.
ccflorida, you can tell your brother how your parents enjoy his calls and encourage him to call every week. It is what I did with my brothers. I know that their calls mean a lot to my mother. My brothers don't call every week, but when I send them a friendly message to remember to call, they do. Sons may not realize how much it means to parents to hear their voices and know they care. I don't press my brothers to call. I just let them know how much my mother enjoys hearing from them.
Lots of variables here. In some circumstances perhaps he shouldn't call at all. In others he might want (and Mom and Dad might like) a daily contact or even more.
Are they estranged? Do they have a close, loving relationship? Can the parents hear well and carry on a comfortable conversation on the phone?
Does he send notes and cards? Do the parents enjoy that as much as a call?
There is no "should" based on the little your said. Would you like to provide more background. For instance, why has this question come up?
I say he should not call but save his pennies to get his butt on a bus and go see them for an extended time, in person! The wife can hold down the fort for 2 weeks.
As I had mentioned above, I need to call my parents once a day [if I don't see them to make a delivery] otherwise they would think I was kidnapped. If the phone calls were enjoyable I wouldn't mind, but mainly Dad and I will have long gaps of silence. And that is understandable as every day is Ground Hog day in my parents life, or Dad will start on a story I heard 100 times already about how he know someone is stealing their mail [no one is stealing their mail]. Thus, it also depends on the routine conversations if one calls daily or not.
If I call my parents house and my Mom answers, I will get a "hello".... Hi Mom.... "hello".... Mom it's FreqFlyer..... "hello, guess no one is there" and she hangs up. Mom is almost deaf and hearing aids don't help :(
For crying out loud, calling a parent is NOT such a grandious sacrifice.....barring it was an abusive relationship. For a decent, imperfect, aged parent.... Call them, daily, even if briefly....have the same conversation.....say just wanted to check on you...make them feel like somebody will care if / when they were dead. If you have daily calls they will be one short. In the course of a day each of us has civil small talk with neighbors, colleagues or strangers we could care less about ....why would you deny the person who raised you the same? Barring some deep emotional issue not calling a parent is petty. I had no interest in calling mom when I was in college, but I have become less selfish since....frankly our conversations are just as boring. Most of us have cell phones and can even squeeze a call in during a grocery run, from the car, etc..
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
With my brothers I encourage, but I take the stance that their relationship with my mother is between her and them. We're not a close family, so I understand things. I also know they take good care of their wives, children, and grandchildren, so I cut them some slack in my mind. I do not have the pulls on my life that they have on theirs.
Brother may have a little bit of a stubborn streak so that the more you discuss this with him, the less likely he is to do it. Because then it would be your idea, not his.
Men don't always know how to handle the uncomfortable-ness that comes when their parents reach this stage. They are more hands on, not touchy-feely. This is a generalization, not a hard and fast rule of course.
Also I would like to say that time passes as different rates of speed for different people. Some people feel every minute of every day, where I'm always surprised when Friday arrives because it just seems like yesterday was Friday. Time passes very quickly for me.
I will throw this out, it would have driven my mother absolutely crazy if I'd called every day in years past. She would've felt like I was imposing on her, keeping tabs on what she was doing or something. I guess other mothers would have gotten their feelings hurt if their daughters didn't call every day. So there is no normal. It's just what feels comfortable for the parties involved.
Without your mentioning it to them, do your parents even know how often your brother calls? Do they recognize the passage of time? Do they lament that they haven't heard from him in a while? Can they call him when they want to?
I wouldn't put any blame on his job. We all have things ie jobs, hobbies, whatever, that we spend our time on. I suppose non-Christians could be frequent callers, so I'm not sure that his religious beliefs should come into play either. Honoring our parents can be played out in various ways, I'm not sure that God meant call once a week. Perhaps brother donates money in their names to a charity? Who knows, I don't.
Encourage your parents to call your brother and establish a phone relationship. He may reciprocate, once that relationship has been established.
Lots of variables here. In some circumstances perhaps he shouldn't call at all. In others he might want (and Mom and Dad might like) a daily contact or even more.
Are they estranged? Do they have a close, loving relationship? Can the parents hear well and carry on a comfortable conversation on the phone?
Does he send notes and cards? Do the parents enjoy that as much as a call?
There is no "should" based on the little your said. Would you like to provide more background. For instance, why has this question come up?
If I call my parents house and my Mom answers, I will get a "hello".... Hi Mom.... "hello".... Mom it's FreqFlyer..... "hello, guess no one is there" and she hangs up. Mom is almost deaf and hearing aids don't help :(
For a decent, imperfect, aged parent.... Call them, daily, even if briefly....have the same conversation.....say just wanted to check on you...make them feel like somebody will care if / when they were dead. If you have daily calls they will be one short.
In the course of a day each of us has civil small talk with neighbors, colleagues or strangers we could care less about ....why would you deny the person who raised you the same?
Barring some deep emotional issue not calling a parent is petty.
I had no interest in calling mom when I was in college, but I have become less selfish since....frankly our conversations are just as boring. Most of us have cell phones and can even squeeze a call in during a grocery run, from the car, etc..
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