My friend from church , needed a home, so about 6 months after my husband passed away, I invited her to live with me. Rhonda has MS and dementia. Her condition deteriorated very quickly. After a year and a half, she had been in hospital 7 times. I knew it was more than I could manage at my home. After lots of good advice from this site, I was able to get her into a nursing home. The problem is , she is furious with me. I get calls from her demanding to come back to my home. She is also hard to manage at the NH. She is in a Behavioral Rehab now , as she is suicidal. I am torn -- every time I talk to her , I am an emotional wreck. She does not have any family that will help out. Would it be cruel to limit contact and conversations ? There is absolutely no way , I will take her out of the NH.
I experience panicked calls from my LO too, who's in assisted living. I will speak calmly and explain that I can't come to see her immediately, but I will come within the next day or two. I assure her the people ware there to help her get better and that they say good things about her. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes I have left and arrived to see her within the hour, only to have her completely forget that she ever called me. And she's sitting there as happy and content as can be. You have to learn to not let them push your buttons. It's very difficult, but I'm trying to learn it too. There mood and state of mind will go up and down. It's a scary ride, that's for sure.
Since you are not her responsible party, you might have the staff not provide her with your phone number. See if you can call her when you feel like it. That way, you might be more relaxed and have more control of the times you have those conversations.
I feel sorry for her. I really do. But I think it is time for you to look after your own health.
You've gotten good advice about limiting your exposure to her. That should help both of you. You've done more than 99% of the people out there would do for a friend, so start taking care of yourself now.
I'm interested in that phrase "any family that will help out." May I infer that she does have family, but they've washed their hands of her? Or does she not have any family, period?
Either way, you've already gone several extra miles to help your friend. You're entitled to get your breath back before you go any further. I second Jeanne's hugs vote!
When someone we love has dementia, there are no "good" answers -- only "less bad" answers. It is sooooo tough! Hugs to Carol1948 for all she has done already!