I post here whenever I have hit rock bottom.
My MIL has been in stage 5, moderate for a very long time. She has been living with the disease for at least 8 years now. She spends 5 months each with us and my husband’s other sibling. The only thing she does is curse me 24/7 either for the food I cook or that I am stealing her clothes. Even if I have cooked the best tasting food, it's horrendous for her, she says SHE makes it way better. If it's freshly cooked, she says it tastes like it's three month old. If I make the right consistency, she says its not cooked but if I cook it longer for her, then it's overcooked. It is so ANNOYING. I am losing my mind. she hates most of the meal options. We cook everyday dreading what yelling we will encounter. Being at the dinner table is a nightmare. Actually being in my house is a nightmare. I feel like running away. Even while I am working from home, she constantly bangs the cupboards, doors and yells loudly (about clothes stealing). It disturbs my work having to hearing this even when I am locked in my room. It affects me mentally, even though I try to shrug it off as the “disease”. She is physically very healthy and active for a 82 yr old inspite of the uncontrolled diabetes she has had for 40 yrs (no heart disease, pressure or any diabetes complications). She never moves her butt to help me and I am the one who does the cleaning, cooking, laundry and upkeep of the two washrooms she uses (which are so filthy). My husband sometimes helps with cooking and he takes care of the medications, but he is honestly scared of her. All she does is curse (not swearing but real curses that evil things happen to me or that I should get a disease and die, let someone shoot you, something fall on your head, let your kids illtreat you, etc). Even in her sleep I can see her cursing me, that means even in her subconscious mind, it's me. She has now started cursing my 10 yr old son. She does not curse her own children, it's only the in-laws and some grandchildren. Even in the daily evening prayers, I can see her praying to God to punish me and to make me suffer. She takes insulin several times a day yet loves carbs and if we don’t give her what she wants, it's constant tantrums that are sometimes scary. Since we hid the sweet stuff, the only thing she does throughout the day is rummage through the house, every nook and corner. It is so annoying. She also hits the washroom like 50 times a day (it has always been like that, not any UTI). Her routine is drink water, washroom, drink water, washroom and the washroom, no matter how much I clean, gets dirty in 2 days. My problem, is that I am burned out, depressed and it's getting to my nerves. Sometimes I break down and yell but then its 10X times the yelling in return so I just stop because there is no point. I cannot win against her. Especially with an unsupporting spouse who remains quiet during her yelling. We are from South Asian culture, so a nursing home is not an option. I will have to put up with this until the end. And I sometimes feel I might go before her because of the constant curses. I also feel that my personal life and career are not working out as a result. Wondering if it is the curses. She has been in this stage for nearly 5 years. How many years do people stay in this combative stage?
Why are you putting up with this?
Sorry, this woman needs to be in LTC. This is beyond your ability to care for her.
What medications could the neurologist give for this?
It is up to your husband whatever her stage to talk to her and absolutely forbid her to talk to you like that!
You are not a slave or servant. Stop cooking, order food or let them eat whatever. Can you maybe go work outside of your home and get your husband to help or hire caregiver?
And get your husband, not you, take her to doctor for some meds, antidepressants etc.
Unfortunately stage five can drag on for many years. One of the gentlemen in my local caregivers support groups wife has had Alzheimer's(had early onset)for going on 19 years now. She's been in what is considered to be the final stage(stage 5)for many years now, and she just keeps on going and going, kind of like the Energizer bunny, except there's nothing cute about Alzheimer's.
So are you really prepared to continue to care for your MIL for many years to come? I predict that if you do that you will either suffer from major health issues or even die from the stress, as statistically 40% of Alzheimer's caregivers will die from stress related disorders before the one they're caring for. If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will.
Something has to change. Perhaps it's time for you to take a much needed vacation(like 2 weeks)by yourself and let your MIL's care fall all on your husband, and see if things won't change dramatically when you get back. It may be worth considering. You MUST take care of yourself as no one else is going to do that for you, so please start today!
God is not punishing you for anything. In fact, He's wondering why you're squandering the precious life He gave you, and the life He's allowed you to give your son.
My DH always ASSUMED that I would be super-duper excited to have his mother live with us, someday. I have no idea WHY, as she has never been remotely kind or loving towards me. It has been me bending over to kowtow to her, entirely. "Becasue you are the outsider" was my DH's reasoning. I was to adapt to HER.
A few years ago, he mentioned that she was 'getting worse' and it was probably time to think about moving her in with us. WTH???
I remained calm, but seething underneath. I said "You want to have your mother live with you so you can 'take care' of her? Go right ahead. I'll pack your stuff. I'm NOT going to care for a woman who screams at me (no dementia, just mean) and puts me down--I'm simply won't. YOU can live with her.
He called me selfish and bratty, etc., but of course, in the end, nothing happened b/c I just can be pushed so far and no farther.
Besides, she wants to live with her daughter and my BIL is 100% opposed to that.
I understand the cultural thing. Sometimes it's beautiful and sweet and is a boon to all involved. Usually, not so much.
The fact YOU are feeling the blowback from this is reason enough to not even consider having her live with you for one more day than is absolutely necessary.
If you don't take of YOU first, who will?