I am going on three years of elder care for my father. He has struggled with many health conditions including dementia. He is currently in assisted living, and I visit him daily, five days a week, for about 1 to 2 hours per day. I am his primary caretaker, and his MPOA. Although we’ve never had him tested, I believe he has vascular dementia. His short term memory is poor, and as a result, leaving him alone without contact from me for even two or three days causes distress. This despite the fact that he is cared for 24 hours around the clock, with three full meals a day. I have very supportive family, but unfortunately no one who lives close by to be able to spend time with him when I cannot. My immediate family feels that I am spending way too much time with my dad. To me, 1 to 2 hours a day, five days a week, isn’t that much. I’m retired, and retired earlier from my job to help care for dad because I knew he was going to need help. What do you think? How much time is too much time for those of us who are caring for our loved ones?
It doesn't seem as if the amount of time you spend with him is a problem for you, and if not, that is fine. The amount of time that YOU spend is entirely up to you. What we think is irrelevant unless the amount of time is causing you stress or problems in your life. If you are happy with it and you get joy out of spending time with your father, then there is really no reason to change what you are doing. However I would caution you that things could change on a dime and that hand full of hours could be 5 hours a day or 10 hours a day or suddenly you don't have the first clue what happened but you are spending every moment of your time caring for your dad and you start to resent that you don't have a moment for yourself...and then you start wondering for real....when is it enough.
The real answer is that only you can answer that. You mention that you retired early to help care for him because you knew he was going to need that help. Which gives me the impression that he already needs more help than assisted living affords him. In which case it may be time to consider that he needs to be fully evaluated and decide if he needs next level care. Maybe your immediate family sees what you are too close to see. For some, even an hour is too much time. For others, they will sacrifice their entire lives, and even the lives of the rest of their families, their relationships, etc. But you have to look at the big picture.
What is best for your dad? What kind of care does he really need? What is he really able to do for himself when you aren't there? Does he need care that you really can't provide? Will his condition worsen? Will he be able to recognize you? Will you be able to be there every time he needs you?
My best advice? Get the full evaluation. Find out what is really going on and move forward from there.
Good luck! You sound like you love him a lot, but remember that loving someone does not mean that you have to be the one that provides the hands on care for them. In many cases being a good caregiver means that you handover the caregiver reins to someone else so that you can be the loved one.
Is his dependence on seing you part of a larger pattern of general anxiety?
The problem that I see is that at some point, you will need to take a vacation, visit a new grandchild or have surgery. If dad hasn't adjusted to his new environment, or if he has overwhelming untreated anxiety, then your absence provokes a crisis that YOU can't be around to help manage. Where does that leave dad?
Make sure that he gets comfortable enough being without you NOW; if he is having panic attacks when he doesn't see you, he needs to be seen by a geriatric psuchiatrist. If he is simply being demanding, set some boundaries and a new schedule.
If you can handle 1 to 2 hours a day 5 days a week then that is your time.
If you are feeling stressed, drained, exhausted, frustrated, angry and all the other emotions that go with caregiver burn out then the 1 to 2 hours, 5 days a week is more than you can handle.
Would it matter to your dad if you only stayed 30 minutes? Or would he realize you were cutting your time short?
If you skipped a day would he notice? I can understand not wanting to skip 2 days and the stress you would both experience.
You do need a break from caregiving. Even if you are not a direct caregiver you are still very much involved in caregiving.
Can you get someone to visit him as well? A volunteer from your church, check with your local Senior Center and see if there are volunteers that can visit. I know the Hospice I volunteer with has volunteers that will visit patients in facilities. And there is also the option of a paid companion from an agency. You can even check with the facility where he is to see if they have something like that available. Or since he is in a facility it should be their goal to make sure he is engaged and not left alone so that he does not get anxious
I go visit mom once a week for 45 minutes which is the max allowable time for the moment. It's plenty bc she's got advanced dementia and visits tend to be difficult due to conversation being limited and her having no attention span. We talk on the phone daily. She does activities with the other residents daily, and eats 3x a day with them too. There's only 23 residents in total, and Covid hasn't restricted them TOO badly, fortunately, bc dementia residents can't BE restricted to their rooms like regular AL residents can. It's a different kettle of fish in MC.
Don't feel badly about backing off a bit and see how dad reacts. Hopefully a spot will open up for him in MC soon. It's a shrunken world for them in MC where they have less to worry about in general. Fewer decisions to make and life is easier and less complicated.
Good luck with everything.
I lived 5 min away from Moms AL. I stopped in everyday but for no more than 30 min. She had gotten to the point she couldn't hold a conversation. We sat out in the Common area so I talked to the lucid residents. I occasionally took my 3yr old grandson. One of the residents loved playing wit him. If I had something to do, I wouldn't go that day.
I think since we are still in COVID and you want to do it, visit that one or two hours. As restrictions are lifted, cut back ur time. When the Common area is opened up, visit out there so he gets used to socializing. There was a woman who visited her husband. She knew my Mom and we would talk. She would turn to Mom and say "what do u think Peg" or "don't u agree Peg". Always trying to make Mom part of the conversation. Loved her for it.
Have you spoken to his Dr. about an anxiety medication.
A friend of mine had her dad in AL, and while he has Alzheimer's, it isn't terribly bad. Nevertheless, she was visiting daily, calling him to remind him to go to this activity or that, sitting in his room while he showered because he was afraid to otherwise, and generally doing much of what you'd expect from the caregivers. The problem was that that isn't what AL caregivers necessarily do.
Her dad was very anxious when she didn't show up or call exactly when he expected, so her life was chaotic as she tried to maintain this pace. (She also works full-time.)
Her dad fell and broke his hip, so the decision was made to move him to memory care when he got out of rehab. Now he's very happy where he is, his needs are being cared for by the staff as they should be, and my friend has been freed up to just be his daughter again. Your situation sounds very much like hers.
I'm wondering if perhaps you asked other family to fill in for you, and they are unable or unwilling to do daily visits? I think in those cases you take what other people can give. I don't think I would expect out of town family members to visit my mom if I were unavailable, simply because she's lost her sense of time, and...she's in an AL.
If there are other things you'd like to do, and the daily visit schedule is impinging on your ability to do those things, then I think you should go do them. You love your dad. He's in a safe place, and surely (pre-dementia) he wouldn't have expected you to forgo something enjoyable to sit with him daily? His memory loss means that he will not remember missing the daily visits, and will hopefully get over his distress. You could also ask the facility to assist with trying a video conference call and see if he's able to enjoy that. If he does, that would be another way to stay in touch without you physically being there if you were away.
Again, if you have the time and desire to do it, and it's enjoyable, then I say good for you!
It’s interesting that you mention his routine is off if you don’t go.
My hair stylist has a mom in a nursing home. She FaceTimes with her daily until they open up again for visits because she believes that her mom (Alzheimer’s disease) would totally forget who she is. As of now, she knows her daughter.
Could you try FaceTime with your dad?
Is there someone in the facility that would use their phone to do this?
This is what my hair stylist does. The activities director has free time and she makes the call for them. The nurse or aides would be too busy to do it.
It’s a tough call. You shouldn’t wear yourself out if you are feeling drained.
Cut back going gradually and see how it goes.
Wishing you all the best.
I see my mom about 2 hrs per month. I see my MIL 0 hours per month.
Both are just about right for the person and the relationship I have with them.
Many people of your age spend an hour or two a day on hobbies like needlework. Is there a reason why you and the rest of the family can’t just see this as your version of a hobby?
Many of our replies say that it’s up to you, which in most cases would be spot on right. However you haven’t given any idea about why the family doesn't agree with you, and perhaps there is a reason that makes more sense than we are guessing.
If you don't think 5 to 10 hrs a week is too much, then it's not too much. None of us, absolutely NONE of us, can give you a measure of time or tell you what is right or wrong.
For your family to tell you that - why did the topic come up? Is hubby feeling neglected? Are others asking you to visit with them or do something with them and you decline because you are trying to meet a certain schedule visiting dad? If family has valid reasons that indicate you are there too much, determine where they are coming from - you have health issues you are not managing, they just don't like you to be away from them, normal activities have been interrupted because of the visits. -- Are their comments valid or selfish in nature? Use that to determine if you need to reduce hours (or maybe even increase them LOL).
I knew a older woman who visited her mother each and every day during a meal time - either dinner or supper and sometimes both. She did it for many, many years. Lived in a small town and drove to town, about 8 miles round trip every day. Her mother looked forward to the visits and eating with her. All her kids were grown, so this was just her daily routine. When her mom died, I know she had no regrets. She was unable to care for her, but with the facility providing all of the care, all of the time spent with her mother was quality time.
One of the 'perks' for having a LO in a facility is the ability to visit as a NORMAL person, not a care-giver and spend QUALITY time with the LO! Then no regrets along with reduced stress and strain!
I also wouldn't worry so much about testing. It won't change anything and could be too stressful for him. What he would need, if it hasn't been done already or is ongoing periodically, is an assessment for his needs. The staff should be handling that. Mom's place would go over assessments every 6 months. That was for MC, but they should be doing some kind of assessments in AL as well.
One or two hours/day doesn't sound excessive to me. If you can do this and it doesn't take away from anything you need to do for yourself, but it helps you and him, I would continue. Does the family just think you are wearing yourself out or are they feeling neglected?
As several noted. esp Ricky6, what harm is there in spending 1-2 hours a day with him? What regrets would you have if you cut that down? How much longer would he be around? It is good for them to have contact with you. As it progresses, there may come a time when he won't recognize you as a daughter, but likely WILL still know you are someone who cares and YOU still know who he is!
As long as it doesn't take away from anything or anyone else, visit however long you want whenever you want! It's not like you're spending all day every day with him, which is likely what you were doing before he moved!
no such thing as too much time with a loved one who needs and enjoys your comfort and it’s also good for you as well .
why do you even ask ????
Since you are retired. You have the time and an hr or two 5 days a week seems fine to me.
If you want to slow down, make sure you do it slow like start with visiting 5 days a week for just an hour then go to every other day fir a visit
Are you getting 7-9 hours of good rest every night?
Are you getting 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace daily?
Are you taking time to meet your own health needs?
Are you taking time daily and extended time weekly to engage in activities that nurture your soul with others your value?
Have you outlined the reasons your immediate family think you are spending too much time with your father? Are their reasons valid?
If any of your answers are problematic, then yes - you need to work on some issues of your own. Seeing your dad probably isn't the problem, but the other areas of your life may be the concern. If you need to address any issues, see your doctor and maybe a counsellor.
You don't really have a problem. If you have the time and are happy going to see your father five days a week for one or two hours each time, then more power to you. God bless.
No 1 to two hours a day 5 days a week isn't to much time.our parents don't live forever unfortunately. You will always .iss them but no regrets you are doing what God would do.. God bless.
I have been there. Yes it’s stressful but in the long run you can say I did what I could.
You are to be commended for being such a caring child. We need more like you in this selfish world.
Do they claim this is harming YOU in some way? Maybe it is stressful, emotionally upsetting, sleep depriving.
You are the best judge of what you can tolerate... and if it is worth it. Maybe you do need to cut back for some legitimate reason (just because I can't think of one, doesn't mean there is none)
But whatever decision you make, know this: your immediate family WILL survive. But, when your father is gone, you will NEVER regret one minute of the time you spent with him.
The main reason I did it was because I'd read online that there were a few things that could cause dementia-like symptoms that were actually treatable ... like UTIs, or various vitamin imbalances. I was fairly sure that what I was seeing with him was unlikely to be due to any of these "easy fix" issues, but I'm a bit OCD about stuff, and I needed to be sure. As I suspected, his problem turned out to be much less treatable (frontotemporal dementia).
So, for what it's worth, here's my take on your question ... I think you should spend as much time with your Dad as you want to. At this stage, he clearly enjoys and is comforted by your visits, and notices/gets anxious when you don't come. I'm guessing your immediate family are concerned about you because standing on the "outside" of your relationship with your parent, they may worry that you are giving up doing other things you enjoy or connecting with other friends and family, etc.? If these are their concerns, they may or may not be legitimate ... only you can really say. Do you enjoy the time you spend with your Dad? Do you feel that you are being robbed of the opportunity to do or enjoy other things? Are you happy about the early retirement, or do you feel cheated of the additional income/security retiring later would have ensured (not to mention the daily interaction with other people)? Is your family concerned about the early retirement for financial reasons?
If you're unhappy about any of the above, your family may be sensing it and concerned. On the other hand, if you're happy and feeling secure about your decisions and enjoying the time you spend with your Dad, then I think you're doing great, and just need to reassure your family that you're happy with the current situation.
On another topic, assuming your Dad has a progressive dementia of some kind, be prepared eventually for him to be regularly anxious even if you continue your weekday visits, because he may not remember that he saw you yesterday. This happened with my Dad, and it made me sad ... he would light up when he saw me, and then say sadly that it had been "so long" since I visited. His sense of time became very elastic and strange, and his short-term memory was failing him. He would even say (and I could see he believed it) that he hadn't seen any caregiver or eaten in days ... but I had an internet camera set up in his living room and could see that this wasn't true. But that didn't matter; he clearly believed these things, and they made him feel abandoned and anxious. All I could do was reassure him that I was checking in on him and visiting regularly, and be upbeat and cheerful and WITH him when I visited.
Enjoy your time with your Dad. He is lucky to have a daughter who cares so much.
My husband has frontal lobe dementia and he acts macho but I think it’s an act. Some days he smokes a lot other days hardly any.
Right now he’s sleeping a lot and his dog doesn’t want to leave his side
I have been living with my Dad for the past 3 1/2 years & am his only care giver, while my husband lives at our house. He comes over almost every night for dinner. We make things work around my Dad's care, maybe I have a more supportive husband than you?? I have a sister who lives 15 minutes away & one in Az. neither call or visit for months on end, but they make sure they get their vacations , come out to the area for sporting events etc..but fail to stop by while in Ca. they are just too tight on time excuse is just that AN EXCUSE! I don't need that kind of family. I sure hope when your inner family become older & start having health issues, failing memory, or need around the clock care, that they get more compassion then what their selfish whining crybaby selves are giving to you & your Dad. Good luck to you, my advice is to get a thick skin to your inner family & tell them to go to hell if they cannot support you more. The gift YOU are giving your Dad right now is precious & pricless