I am going on three years of elder care for my father. He has struggled with many health conditions including dementia. He is currently in assisted living, and I visit him daily, five days a week, for about 1 to 2 hours per day. I am his primary caretaker, and his MPOA. Although we’ve never had him tested, I believe he has vascular dementia. His short term memory is poor, and as a result, leaving him alone without contact from me for even two or three days causes distress. This despite the fact that he is cared for 24 hours around the clock, with three full meals a day. I have very supportive family, but unfortunately no one who lives close by to be able to spend time with him when I cannot. My immediate family feels that I am spending way too much time with my dad. To me, 1 to 2 hours a day, five days a week, isn’t that much. I’m retired, and retired earlier from my job to help care for dad because I knew he was going to need help. What do you think? How much time is too much time for those of us who are caring for our loved ones?
A friend of mine had her dad in AL, and while he has Alzheimer's, it isn't terribly bad. Nevertheless, she was visiting daily, calling him to remind him to go to this activity or that, sitting in his room while he showered because he was afraid to otherwise, and generally doing much of what you'd expect from the caregivers. The problem was that that isn't what AL caregivers necessarily do.
Her dad was very anxious when she didn't show up or call exactly when he expected, so her life was chaotic as she tried to maintain this pace. (She also works full-time.)
Her dad fell and broke his hip, so the decision was made to move him to memory care when he got out of rehab. Now he's very happy where he is, his needs are being cared for by the staff as they should be, and my friend has been freed up to just be his daughter again. Your situation sounds very much like hers.
I lived 5 min away from Moms AL. I stopped in everyday but for no more than 30 min. She had gotten to the point she couldn't hold a conversation. We sat out in the Common area so I talked to the lucid residents. I occasionally took my 3yr old grandson. One of the residents loved playing wit him. If I had something to do, I wouldn't go that day.
I think since we are still in COVID and you want to do it, visit that one or two hours. As restrictions are lifted, cut back ur time. When the Common area is opened up, visit out there so he gets used to socializing. There was a woman who visited her husband. She knew my Mom and we would talk. She would turn to Mom and say "what do u think Peg" or "don't u agree Peg". Always trying to make Mom part of the conversation. Loved her for it.
Have you spoken to his Dr. about an anxiety medication.
I go visit mom once a week for 45 minutes which is the max allowable time for the moment. It's plenty bc she's got advanced dementia and visits tend to be difficult due to conversation being limited and her having no attention span. We talk on the phone daily. She does activities with the other residents daily, and eats 3x a day with them too. There's only 23 residents in total, and Covid hasn't restricted them TOO badly, fortunately, bc dementia residents can't BE restricted to their rooms like regular AL residents can. It's a different kettle of fish in MC.
Don't feel badly about backing off a bit and see how dad reacts. Hopefully a spot will open up for him in MC soon. It's a shrunken world for them in MC where they have less to worry about in general. Fewer decisions to make and life is easier and less complicated.
Good luck with everything.
If you can handle 1 to 2 hours a day 5 days a week then that is your time.
If you are feeling stressed, drained, exhausted, frustrated, angry and all the other emotions that go with caregiver burn out then the 1 to 2 hours, 5 days a week is more than you can handle.
Would it matter to your dad if you only stayed 30 minutes? Or would he realize you were cutting your time short?
If you skipped a day would he notice? I can understand not wanting to skip 2 days and the stress you would both experience.
You do need a break from caregiving. Even if you are not a direct caregiver you are still very much involved in caregiving.
Can you get someone to visit him as well? A volunteer from your church, check with your local Senior Center and see if there are volunteers that can visit. I know the Hospice I volunteer with has volunteers that will visit patients in facilities. And there is also the option of a paid companion from an agency. You can even check with the facility where he is to see if they have something like that available. Or since he is in a facility it should be their goal to make sure he is engaged and not left alone so that he does not get anxious
Is his dependence on seing you part of a larger pattern of general anxiety?
The problem that I see is that at some point, you will need to take a vacation, visit a new grandchild or have surgery. If dad hasn't adjusted to his new environment, or if he has overwhelming untreated anxiety, then your absence provokes a crisis that YOU can't be around to help manage. Where does that leave dad?
Make sure that he gets comfortable enough being without you NOW; if he is having panic attacks when he doesn't see you, he needs to be seen by a geriatric psuchiatrist. If he is simply being demanding, set some boundaries and a new schedule.
It doesn't seem as if the amount of time you spend with him is a problem for you, and if not, that is fine. The amount of time that YOU spend is entirely up to you. What we think is irrelevant unless the amount of time is causing you stress or problems in your life. If you are happy with it and you get joy out of spending time with your father, then there is really no reason to change what you are doing. However I would caution you that things could change on a dime and that hand full of hours could be 5 hours a day or 10 hours a day or suddenly you don't have the first clue what happened but you are spending every moment of your time caring for your dad and you start to resent that you don't have a moment for yourself...and then you start wondering for real....when is it enough.
The real answer is that only you can answer that. You mention that you retired early to help care for him because you knew he was going to need that help. Which gives me the impression that he already needs more help than assisted living affords him. In which case it may be time to consider that he needs to be fully evaluated and decide if he needs next level care. Maybe your immediate family sees what you are too close to see. For some, even an hour is too much time. For others, they will sacrifice their entire lives, and even the lives of the rest of their families, their relationships, etc. But you have to look at the big picture.
What is best for your dad? What kind of care does he really need? What is he really able to do for himself when you aren't there? Does he need care that you really can't provide? Will his condition worsen? Will he be able to recognize you? Will you be able to be there every time he needs you?
My best advice? Get the full evaluation. Find out what is really going on and move forward from there.
Good luck! You sound like you love him a lot, but remember that loving someone does not mean that you have to be the one that provides the hands on care for them. In many cases being a good caregiver means that you handover the caregiver reins to someone else so that you can be the loved one.