I am a 40 yo single mum, my mother has moved in with me to help with childcare 9 years ago following my divorce. My mother is a difficult, headstrong manipulative person, who is always right of course. She is an ex school principal and hence 'knows' how to parent and tutor my son more than I do of course. Since I have been the bread winner I was absent from home more than her and she ended up caring for my son quite a bit (in her own way which I tolerated but over time it really started weighing on me). She had originally suggested moving in to help following my divorce and at the time I agreed and I now find myself trapped in my own house. I no longer want this arrangement. I have a sister but we never broached the subject of mum's care and she never offered / I never asked any help. My mum is 65 and only minor health concerns (thyroid, incontinence, spine problems). Being at the head of this family, financially supporting my mum and getting on with her over these years is really taking toll on my mental health. My son is now a pre teen and whilst my coping style is to keep quiet and let the tide pass, my son breaks into arguments with her which to me sound quite awful. Mum says son is putting up a show for me and problem is with my too permissive parenting. My therapist suggested I break to mum that she needs to move out. I am full of guilt as grappling with having to 'chuck out' someone who supposedly sacrificed her life for me (her own words). Any thoughts how to broach the discussion? She is retired so likely (she left her job to move out with me and I have been supporting her all these years) I have to support her moving out financially and going forward too. How much time would be reasonably to give her to think over what arrangements she wants, provided we live separately? Any red flags / advice you would give for the next steps? I think the next 5-10 years she will be OK health wise, but after that the arrangement may need to be re-thought again as she will age further. Thank you
You say your mother "retired". Had she no pension? She just was penniless all her working life and then just quit so you could work and support her? You knew she was raising your child in a way you did not like, yet you agreed to this for a decade. Now Mom is of Social Security age. I hope she is collecting it and saving every cent of it, because it is time to move out now.
This has been a decade in the making. It will certainly take 6 months to cure. But it is time now to sit Mom and Son down TOGETHER and to apologize for allowing this to go this far, and say that you take full responsibility for bad choices made during a time when you felt helpless, and for allowing them to go on for a decade, but that you WILL NOT allow it to go any farther. That you will attempt to assist Mom in finding a small studio nearby or even a room in situation with another like minded person, but that she will have now to leave your home. Tell your mother that the subject is not open to argument.
If it comes to who did this wrong then what does it MATTER at this point? You BOTH did, or NEITHER of you did, or hey, how about THIS???? Admit it is all your fault and you did it wrong, but that changes now. Tell your mother that you are allowing for a six month period in which she should save every penny of her retirement check (if there is one) and every penny of her social security, and she should immediately begin to look for a place to live.
This will leave you and your son with much healing to do, because for what has happened to him being raised by the Mom you describe, that is ALL your fault. Time to own it and move on. I would seek help so that you do not over correct, and set loose a lad who has no idea where to go or what to do with all the change. In this day and age of addiction available at every street corner this could not only be life changing but it could be fatal.
Fault can be leveled wherever anyone wants to place it. Fault is no longer the question. Now the question is how to change it. Plenty of guilt to go round if anyone choose to sink into that silly word. This is about mistakes, grief, and the courage to change. Guilt just doesn't figure in it, to my mind.
It is not about who owes who what. It is about how to reconfigure living, communication and power arrangements so that all flourish. How to reset expectations. How to open up a discovery process and uncover and develop multiple solutions. I don't know what you can afford but I do think that she deserves support from you. How much, for how long, and in what form is something to explore together with the help of a therapist and, potentially, a financial planner.
I have recommended this book before because I used it in my professional work leading people, teams and companies through transitions. I found it useful in personal settings as well: "Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when the Stakes are high.". It offers a framework to clarify your own needs and story and to communicate with strength and love about core issues. One of the first steps in the process is to create safety for the conversations to take place.
I wish you strength and clarity. Reclaiming your independence is not easy especially when you are dealing with probably the two most primary and precious relationships in your life: your mother and your son. I am only one time zone away from you. If you want to have a conversation, I am happy to talk with you.
Is/was there no discussion throughout the years between you and your mother about her future? Did mom assume she would live with you forever?
While you say you supported her I’m thinking it was more of a symbiotic relationship if she provided day care to your son for a decade. Childcare is expensive.
Now your son is pre-teen, at the age of spreading his wings and pushing boundaries. You say you’ve heard them bickering and you don’t care for it. Perhaps a discussion with your son is in order about respect and patience. This is a great time as these skills will help his character development.
Your mom left her original country when she saw you needed help. No matter what her profession was. She too made sacrifices. You accepted this as it helped you immensely. I’m sure she provided emotional support to you as well going through your divorce.
My advice would be to help mom sell her property back home and use that money to find mom an apartment near you. Or maybe you all can move to a mother/daughter set up (a home with a MIL suite; separate exit, etc.
I would not feel right just telling her that she will be on her own soon and the faster she works this out, the better. Imo you owe her some assistance and should help her find options. It may take a year to do this or two months, who knows? But in the interim start talking about what issues are bothering you with your mother and vice versa and try to work out some sort of compromise so everyone can live with while you figure it out.
btw, my mom started to do the same thing when she sold her home and moved in with us "temporarily" for 6 months (which was supposed to be only a few). I ended up typing up house rules and she decided she was ready to move out. LOL she now lives in a villa 1 hour drive from us. I try to visit weekly.
Update though: I had the first initial talk bringing up the subject, today, while son is with his dad for a few days. Big shock and a bit of tears from mum, although less than usual of accusatory/complaining monologues about how she is my slave. OK, so the subject is in the open, she tearfully said she hopes I am not kicking her out right away and says she is willing to talk about what's not working. Made me sad / compassionate for her. We agreed to take 48h to time out and talk again more calmly. I still believe, despite the hard feelings, now that the subject is in the open, I need to press on and drive to the conclusion that we need to live separately. I agree with the posters that issues will only multiply down the line. She raises good points like, what if I fall sick with covid, who will care for my son, etc. Clearly I will need to re-think the child care and home keeping strategy. Her own place can be sold for the price of maybe 1/4 the price of a one bedroom apartment next to where I live. She does not want to go back to our home country. I think we could make it work with agreeing that I initially shoulder the rent and when she sells her apartment we maybe figure out buying a small place for her with my help / mortgage (would be on me). Further thoughts and ideas welcome. I will sleep on it before our next talk with mum. Thanks all so much for support.
Being held emotionally hostage to your mother is very unhealthy and she should really be ashamed of herself for doing such a thing. But hey, I'm sure nothing is 'her fault', it's always someone else's to bear, isn't it? These types of people use guilt and manipulation as a weapon, and leave us feeling like pawns in a game........and emotionally exhausted all the time as a result.
Give your mother 2 months to find her own place AND to figure out how to finance it. How can YOU save for YOUR old age when you have to pay HER way through HER old age? You can't. And what about your son? Saving for his college won't be possible when you have to finance your mother's life. You've already done enough, now it's her turn to pay her own way and be the adult here. She can sell her place back in her home country to finance her own old age where she lives now. That would be the route I'd take if it were me dealing with my mother in this situation. It's fair and reasonable, whether she agrees or not.
Don't back down and be cowed when you have your next conversation with your mother. You're not trying to be mean.......it's time to be independent and live alone with your son. That's the route to take; it's nothing personal, mother, it's just time to live apart. I will always love you, it's nothing at all to do with love.
Wishing you the best of luck taking your life back and putting yourself and your son first! It's OKAY to do that! You're not the bad guy, no matter what you're led to believe!
Also, a friend of mine has suggested I may have 'caregiver syndrom' - probably many people posting on this forum have this - ie poor awareness of our caregiving limits and when we give too much. I am finally waking up drained from being 'responsible' for her emotions and our co-dependency. It is a beautiful but brutal awakening.
Maybe posters here can share good resources to read up on how people feel when face retirement? Also the advice re social groups for mum is a helpful one, thank you. Also and importantly, rather than (as typical) me taking on solving mum's problems I should focus on me, my son, and what house keeping and child care strategy needs to be if mum is to live separate.
Anyway. A lot of emotional talk and tears from mum. We both recognised all the good that came from our partnership over the past years. She asked me what it is I want her to do (kill herself maybe? see above). I said no. I don't want her to kill herself but I want her to start turning her focus away from me and my son so much and more into herself. She told me she is paralysed by fear for her future, terrified of me and that possibly she cannot trust me after what I have done (ie, had the talk). Again, I tried to 'just listen' and mentally put the responsibility for these feelings back to her, not to me. We then talked a lot about the childhood stuff and the past, how over the years we found each other in these situations of mutually rescuing each other. I said we should come above that now and more consciously choose our futures.
Then - to open up another can of worms - I openly asked her for how long she expects me to financially support her. Another big shock and more tears - which told me she probably expected unconditional/full support for as long as it is needed. She said with me and my sister she never had thoughts like this and that whatever was needed she gave it and would take the last bit away from her and give us if needed. And since we are family we should be the same. I am not sure about this bit though - she is our parent hence her attitude is understandable. Yet the other way around? Without sounding like a monster I would benefit from some views as to 'how much support is enough' and is it immoral to put a boundary between the resources going from adult child to the parent. She said she would not want to lose in quality of life if living separately.
I think overall the fact I have initiated re-negotiation of the relationship shattered both of us but ultimately it is not necessarily a bad thing. We said we will talk more again after few days.
Just remember, a parent has very clear responsibilities toward their children that are not automatically transactional. This is not about what you "owe" her for fulfilling her responsibilities in raising you. She also chose to help you raise her grandchild - again, her choice, but with no agreement at the beginning that the years of helping you would result in this arrangement for the rest of her life.
If you want to talk about it as a business arrangement, you HAVE paid her for helping. This was not free for you. You've paid her by supporting her financially for years.
Hang in there!
What kind of help can a person like ur Mom get if u do live out of the US?
This is going to be so hard. Not sure if you can approach it as you never felt her living with u was going to be permanent? And now son is old enough to be left alone and seems like they r butting heads, maybe its time for Mom to find a place of her own. Get her own interests? Reason would be that son will be going off to College and you will be free to find your own interests. Not wanting to be Moms entertainment.
This is a good time to teach your son respect even though he maybe right. Tell him not to argue with her. If he has a problem, come to you. You may want to tell Mom that you appreciate everything she has done for you in helping to raise your son but...he is at an age now where he needs to answer just to one person, you. This may curb the arguments he has with grandma. If Mom has a problem with him, she comes to you. There should only be one boss at his age. I had no problem with my Mom because our parenting styles were the same. But my MIL, thats another story.
The OP would have had significantly more problems if her mother wasn't available to backstop her while the boy was growing up. That needs to be acknowledged and included in the restructuring of family relationships now.