I am a 40 yo single mum, my mother has moved in with me to help with childcare 9 years ago following my divorce. My mother is a difficult, headstrong manipulative person, who is always right of course. She is an ex school principal and hence 'knows' how to parent and tutor my son more than I do of course. Since I have been the bread winner I was absent from home more than her and she ended up caring for my son quite a bit (in her own way which I tolerated but over time it really started weighing on me). She had originally suggested moving in to help following my divorce and at the time I agreed and I now find myself trapped in my own house. I no longer want this arrangement. I have a sister but we never broached the subject of mum's care and she never offered / I never asked any help. My mum is 65 and only minor health concerns (thyroid, incontinence, spine problems). Being at the head of this family, financially supporting my mum and getting on with her over these years is really taking toll on my mental health. My son is now a pre teen and whilst my coping style is to keep quiet and let the tide pass, my son breaks into arguments with her which to me sound quite awful. Mum says son is putting up a show for me and problem is with my too permissive parenting. My therapist suggested I break to mum that she needs to move out. I am full of guilt as grappling with having to 'chuck out' someone who supposedly sacrificed her life for me (her own words). Any thoughts how to broach the discussion? She is retired so likely (she left her job to move out with me and I have been supporting her all these years) I have to support her moving out financially and going forward too. How much time would be reasonably to give her to think over what arrangements she wants, provided we live separately? Any red flags / advice you would give for the next steps? I think the next 5-10 years she will be OK health wise, but after that the arrangement may need to be re-thought again as she will age further. Thank you
Update though: I had the first initial talk bringing up the subject, today, while son is with his dad for a few days. Big shock and a bit of tears from mum, although less than usual of accusatory/complaining monologues about how she is my slave. OK, so the subject is in the open, she tearfully said she hopes I am not kicking her out right away and says she is willing to talk about what's not working. Made me sad / compassionate for her. We agreed to take 48h to time out and talk again more calmly. I still believe, despite the hard feelings, now that the subject is in the open, I need to press on and drive to the conclusion that we need to live separately. I agree with the posters that issues will only multiply down the line. She raises good points like, what if I fall sick with covid, who will care for my son, etc. Clearly I will need to re-think the child care and home keeping strategy. Her own place can be sold for the price of maybe 1/4 the price of a one bedroom apartment next to where I live. She does not want to go back to our home country. I think we could make it work with agreeing that I initially shoulder the rent and when she sells her apartment we maybe figure out buying a small place for her with my help / mortgage (would be on me). Further thoughts and ideas welcome. I will sleep on it before our next talk with mum. Thanks all so much for support.
You say your mother "retired". Had she no pension? She just was penniless all her working life and then just quit so you could work and support her? You knew she was raising your child in a way you did not like, yet you agreed to this for a decade. Now Mom is of Social Security age. I hope she is collecting it and saving every cent of it, because it is time to move out now.
This has been a decade in the making. It will certainly take 6 months to cure. But it is time now to sit Mom and Son down TOGETHER and to apologize for allowing this to go this far, and say that you take full responsibility for bad choices made during a time when you felt helpless, and for allowing them to go on for a decade, but that you WILL NOT allow it to go any farther. That you will attempt to assist Mom in finding a small studio nearby or even a room in situation with another like minded person, but that she will have now to leave your home. Tell your mother that the subject is not open to argument.
If it comes to who did this wrong then what does it MATTER at this point? You BOTH did, or NEITHER of you did, or hey, how about THIS???? Admit it is all your fault and you did it wrong, but that changes now. Tell your mother that you are allowing for a six month period in which she should save every penny of her retirement check (if there is one) and every penny of her social security, and she should immediately begin to look for a place to live.
This will leave you and your son with much healing to do, because for what has happened to him being raised by the Mom you describe, that is ALL your fault. Time to own it and move on. I would seek help so that you do not over correct, and set loose a lad who has no idea where to go or what to do with all the change. In this day and age of addiction available at every street corner this could not only be life changing but it could be fatal.
Fault can be leveled wherever anyone wants to place it. Fault is no longer the question. Now the question is how to change it. Plenty of guilt to go round if anyone choose to sink into that silly word. This is about mistakes, grief, and the courage to change. Guilt just doesn't figure in it, to my mind.
What kind of help can a person like ur Mom get if u do live out of the US?
This is going to be so hard. Not sure if you can approach it as you never felt her living with u was going to be permanent? And now son is old enough to be left alone and seems like they r butting heads, maybe its time for Mom to find a place of her own. Get her own interests? Reason would be that son will be going off to College and you will be free to find your own interests. Not wanting to be Moms entertainment.
This is a good time to teach your son respect even though he maybe right. Tell him not to argue with her. If he has a problem, come to you. You may want to tell Mom that you appreciate everything she has done for you in helping to raise your son but...he is at an age now where he needs to answer just to one person, you. This may curb the arguments he has with grandma. If Mom has a problem with him, she comes to you. There should only be one boss at his age. I had no problem with my Mom because our parenting styles were the same. But my MIL, thats another story.
My mom moved up from FL to MN where I live to help me with our kids while we worked and managed our business. My mom was a nurse/facility administrator and is also opinionated and headstrong. She lives next door to us but she's lost the sense of boundaries and as much as her help has blessed us enormously, it's created its own challenges as well. I vote for you to reclaim your life while it's still "easy"...the more decline your mom experiences while in your home, the harder it will ever be to bring about. This way, she is in full control of where she lives (not IF she moves out) and her own social life. I wish you much success in moving forward!