How often to visit when Mom doesn't care?
For the past 20 years I have visited Mom every week. She used to enjoy visits and we would have lunch and talk. As her dementia got worse, the visits became unbearable with her negativity and being difficult. Now, at 100, she is in AL 40 miles away and seems to have settled in and made friends. For her, I think this is about as happy and content as she has ever been for the past 30 years because she lives minute to minute. (That's not to say that when we talk on the phone - 2 minute conversation, if that, if she answers at all, all she does is complain, which is just her and always has been.)
She is totally a creature of habit and routine now. Our visits seem to disturb her more than comfort her. We have to just "drop in" because she doesn't remember if we tell her we are coming. If we go to have lunch with her, it means she can't sit at "her" table with her friends and makes a huge fuss. She doesn't want to go "out" anywhere and gets uncontrolled loss of bowels from the upset of it. She has a new simple life, and we simply don't fit into the routine she is comfortable with. The last visit from my sister she raised a fuss about eating at a different table, pooed her pants and sat in it at the table. If we just go for a visit, we sit and look at each other while she asks the same question every five minutes and there is no other conversation and talking to her about anything, she doesn't follow it. She lies down, gets up, complains about everything and we can tell she wants us to go. Our visits are down to about 30 minutes because its so uncomfortable for both of us.
So, do I continue to make an 80 mile round trip to spend 1/2 hour when she doesn't want me there after five minutes and won't remember it a few hours later or do I cut back. I bring her food, snacks, etc and she doesn't even know or care where they came from, or notice they are there except when she eats them. I understand her dementia is taking her away. I just feel guilty when I don't go, but I have health problems (more than she does) and it takes me a long time to get things done at home so I'm beginning to dread taking 1/2 day for 1/2 hour that neither of us needs, wants or enjoys. I check on her with the nurses. I'm going to take her to the doctor next week, and to the hearing aid place the following week.
I was thinking of cutting back regular visits to every two weeks, I'll bring her snacks, etc and just stay 1/2 hour? I just don't know what to do.
Since your mom won't notice the change in all likelihood, I would encourage you to try what you are thinking for a few months and see. If it doesn't work out, you can always get back to visiting once a week. Good luck, I think you will be happy with this new arrangement, once you get it established!
You are tuning in to Moms needs and not just yours and that's a good thing. Not selfish at all. Go briefly and often enough - ideally a little irregularly - so it is clear you are involved and keeping an eye on her care.
Clearly, AmyGrace is doing what she "should" with regards to visiting her mother. But these visits are resulting in pain and frustration for her. Thus I agree with other writers that limiting her visits might be a good idea for her own well-being.
BUT, the mother is in a home. Therefore, I believe in the importance of regular visits to ensure that her mother is being cared for. Staff know whose family visits and whose don't. If I were AmyGrace, I would find a reliable and reputable person to visit her mother every week or ten days. It could be a social worker, a retired nurse or teacher, it just needs to be someone reliable who is also observant. This person should prepare a short written report or email to AmyGrace about what she observed that day. This person could also bring snacks or whatever the mother likes. With a smart phone, she could take a photo of AmyGrace's mother each visit. This would be proof that she visited and the staff would be aware that someone is watching AmyGrace's mother.
Of course, this person would need to be paid a reasonable rate. A local church or social services agency could help you find such a person.
Perhaps some of you will think that this option is wacky. But I believe it protects both AmyGrace from her mother's behavior and protects her mother from a potential lack of care in the nursing home.
I had a mother that was impossible to please. Nothing my father or I did ever pleased her. So we paid my aunt, who my mother adored, to take her to all types of appointments. It reduced the pain and stress for my father, who cared for her until she died.
In closing, guilt is not useful as a basis for behavior because the behavior is not heartfelt or authentic, but just guilt driven. All the best to you AmyGrace
My mom still knows who I am and is happy to see me (thanks to the excellent drugs she takes!!!).
But she also lives in the minute, which has a downside and an upside. On the downside, conversation is agonizing.
But hang on, here comes the upside: when I walk toward my mom or knock on her door, she is happy to see me,and she doesn't know if I am coming from Louisiana or the ladies room. She has no idea I when she last saw me. This has given me NEW FREEDOM. I can stay away for weeks (when I drive to NC to visit Grandchildren.) and know that she will be happy to see me when I get back. when in PA, I visit every day. when not, I do't worry about it.
So, your mom has, in a sense, given you a free pass. Visit when it suits you.
This is not an easy situation for you. Take care of yourself.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Would it be possible for anyone to drop in and check on her, when they are in the area? Do you have POA, so you can telephone the nurse and get updates?
See All Answers