How often to visit when Mom doesn't care?

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How often to visit when Mom doesn't care?

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For the past 20 years I have visited Mom every week. She used to enjoy visits and we would have lunch and talk. As her dementia got worse, the visits became unbearable with her negativity and being difficult. Now, at 100, she is in AL 40 miles away and seems to have settled in and made friends. For her, I think this is about as happy and content as she has ever been for the past 30 years because she lives minute to minute. (That's not to say that when we talk on the phone - 2 minute conversation, if that, if she answers at all, all she does is complain, which is just her and always has been.)
She is totally a creature of habit and routine now. Our visits seem to disturb her more than comfort her. We have to just "drop in" because she doesn't remember if we tell her we are coming. If we go to have lunch with her, it means she can't sit at "her" table with her friends and makes a huge fuss. She doesn't want to go "out" anywhere and gets uncontrolled loss of bowels from the upset of it. She has a new simple life, and we simply don't fit into the routine she is comfortable with. The last visit from my sister she raised a fuss about eating at a different table, pooed her pants and sat in it at the table. If we just go for a visit, we sit and look at each other while she asks the same question every five minutes and there is no other conversation and talking to her about anything, she doesn't follow it. She lies down, gets up, complains about everything and we can tell she wants us to go. Our visits are down to about 30 minutes because its so uncomfortable for both of us.
So, do I continue to make an 80 mile round trip to spend 1/2 hour when she doesn't want me there after five minutes and won't remember it a few hours later or do I cut back. I bring her food, snacks, etc and she doesn't even know or care where they came from, or notice they are there except when she eats them. I understand her dementia is taking her away. I just feel guilty when I don't go, but I have health problems (more than she does) and it takes me a long time to get things done at home so I'm beginning to dread taking 1/2 day for 1/2 hour that neither of us needs, wants or enjoys. I check on her with the nurses. I'm going to take her to the doctor next week, and to the hearing aid place the following week.
I was thinking of cutting back regular visits to every two weeks, I'll bring her snacks, etc and just stay 1/2 hour? I just don't know what to do.

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It sounds like it wouldn't be a bad idea to transition your visits to every other week, and maybe after awhile, just once a month. Your brain knows that mom is slipping away and losing more of herself to the dementia -- your heart is just taking awhile to catch up (that's why there's guilt).

Since your mom won't notice the change in all likelihood, I would encourage you to try what you are thinking for a few months and see. If it doesn't work out, you can always get back to visiting once a week. Good luck, I think you will be happy with this new arrangement, once you get it established!

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Love your plan...bring her snacks...every other week...for a half hour. Be sure you're appreciating those staff who give extra attention to mom. Let them know what you're doing and ask them to let you know if they think your switcheroo is noticed and causing a problem.

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"she doesn't want me there" That is the key. I wouldn't go. I have told relatives that for years about our mother. "We went to visit her for a week and she doesn't cook or clean for us." LOL I tell them 'Don't go."

Would it be possible for anyone to drop in and check on her, when they are in the area? Do you have POA, so you can telephone the nurse and get updates?

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I personally don't feel comfortable giving you my advice.. That's a decision you need to make yourself...I'm sure after being away from her you will be able to decide if you can live with your decision..

.ie."out of sight out of mind"or "absence makes the heart grow fonder"..

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I can identify. I more or less became my moms laundry lady and kept the candy bowl full. I went a lot more often but it was most often short and purposeful. I was blessed that mom enjoyed some variety to her routine, and she really enjoyed grandkid visits. I could stay longer without getting picked at if there was an event like a music or Veterans Day presentation or something.

You are tuning in to Moms needs and not just yours and that's a good thing. Not selfish at all. Go briefly and often enough - ideally a little irregularly - so it is clear you are involved and keeping an eye on her care.

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And avoid mealtime. Based on your sister's last visit, you can tell how important it is for her to maintain her daily schedule. Any deviations upset her. I like the suggestion about visiting when there's an event. Is it possible to join with her in her activities? And if it looks like the 30 minutes is too long, then cut the visit short. Just go with the flow of your mother's mood.

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Thanks everyone. It does sound like I'm doing the right thing. I wish she was closer. We waited five months for AL nearby to have a room and finally had no choice but to move Mom to one farther away. Wouldn't you know, a week later the other one called and finally had a room. Isn't that just the way it happens sometimes! Anyway, I'll time my visits for after lunch and just drop in. Although I'd like to eat with her, she can't understand why she can't sit at the same table so its better to avoid the issue. It better for me too because it bothers me to watch her barely touch her food and hide it in her purse, and again, it does no good to say anything. They tell me she has a friend and they are inseparable and her friend looks after her. The AL staff thinks they are "cute". (The same thing happened in IL - Mom depended on a friend to take her to lunch and dinner, etc) I'm glad she does as we found she doesn't want her us to be involved and resents us making suggestions, but doesn't resent her friend. I try to keep in touch with the nurses and yes, my sister and I have POA's.

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Wow, can I identify.

My mom still knows who I am and is happy to see me (thanks to the excellent drugs she takes!!!).

But she also lives in the minute, which has a downside and an upside. On the downside, conversation is agonizing.

But hang on, here comes the upside: when I walk toward my mom or knock on her door, she is happy to see me,and she doesn't know if I am coming from Louisiana or the ladies room. She has no idea I when she last saw me. This has given me NEW FREEDOM. I can stay away for weeks (when I drive to NC to visit Grandchildren.) and know that she will be happy to see me when I get back. when in PA, I visit every day. when not, I do't worry about it.

So, your mom has, in a sense, given you a free pass. Visit when it suits you.

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I wish I could visit my mama whether she knew me or wanted me there. She is in heaven now. I have a co-worker who just buried her mother. She used to always talk about her visits to her STEP grandchild but rarely went to see her mother. I cannot understand folk....

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Amy, I'm going to share what works for me; I don't like visiting mom at theNH, she and I never really got on and now she has tremendous difficulty speaking, at least to me. (It's very hard when the staff and the rest of the family say to me "oh, mom had no trouble talking when I was there". I don't know if this is actually true or not, but it sometimes makes me feel completely useless. So I trim her facial hair, do her nails and massage her neck. One hour visits is about all she can take and she tells me to go home. I'm 75 miles away each way and given that I live in NYC, it ends up being a two hour drive each way. So what I've done is found things to do in the area where the NH is that I enjoy. Sometimes I get a pedicure; sometimes I spend an hour and the very upscale Goodwill store (I find toys for my grandson and clothes for me). Sometimes I do some grocery shopping. I try to make it an outing that is in some way fulfilling for me.

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If your mom's quality of life is better when you don't visit, then don't visit. There is nothing to feel guilty about. If you feel the facility needs someone there to make sure they are taking good care of her, then hire someone in the area to check on her, maybe once a month. Send her cards and photos if you think she would like to see them.

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I visited Mom yesterday, and she was reading the newspaper. She yelled at me that she just started, and kept on reading. So I put her laundry away, and left. No sense trying to argue with her, the mind is now in a different mindset. I feel obligated to visit and do her laundry, it is not out of love, I don't ever remember ever getting a hug from her, only criticism and now the nurses hear it too. She knows everything, but knows nothing. She has a phone, but never calls me. She can be a really sweet little old lady to the church visitors, and old street neighbours, but to me she is simply cold. So, I have decided the only way she cannot jerk my chain, is to go in, put the laundry away, and leave. It is so bad that I now try to time it that she is in the dining room, so I don't have to listen to her whining. I have no guilt whatsoever, her needs are met, I don't think she cares one way or the other if she sees me or my brother. Her world is now the LTC facility she lives in, and trying to manipulate the PSW's.

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Since visits appear to be more to ease your conscience and sense of duty, rather than to please your mom, I say do what makes YOU happy and comfortable. Try tot he every 2 week scenario and if mom still doesn't seem to appreciate seeing you, go to every month. Remember, nothing lasts forever. Good luck

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When my dad first went into NH I would visit every other day, but life happens and some days I would miss. He doesn't remember when I was in last, but I am visiting now about 2 days aweek, due to "life". He knows me, at least I think he does, but he doesn't talk in the present. I had a friend who visited her dad every day for 3 or 4 hours and most times he was not awake. She did it to make her feel better and she was afraid that IF he woke up he would be "alone". Everyone is different in how they feel, but you do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. Even if you only stay that 1/2 hour, do it when you might not disrupt her routine of the meal time. and if she don't want you to stay, visit with another person that maybe would enjoy your company that doesn't get many visitors. at least you brighten someone days even if for a little bit until they forget.

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AmyGrace, you have received excellent advice from the others already. I am just reinforcing what they have written. Also Babalou's advice to incorporate something for YOU that you enjoy during the trip is a wonderful tip (we usually hit a produce market and shop around or do something fun on the way home). I drive one hour to my dad's care center and I try to keep our visits as short as possible for a number of reasons. My visits are mostly for scheduled doctor visits or for those 'must be there' things. Like many others, my father will repeat everything 40 times over in 20 minutes, not remembering that he just asked the same thing repeatedly. He is also a very disagreeable person, loud, demanding, obnoxious, rude, hyper manic, hyper sexual, narcissist, and is 90 years old bed-ridden. His behavior has not changed due to ALZ; the ALZ has only amplified his normal behavior. So he is not a pleasant person to visit or be around. Most of the patients don't know when you were there last or if you walked in every 10 minutes, to them it is the first time they have seen you, they just don't have a concept of time. Unless it is essential that you be there on a certain schedule, visit when YOU want and for as long as YOU want. As long as you are comfortable with your mom's environment, then take care of YOU first. The facility will make sure your mom has a good diet, snacks, food. But only visit when you feel like making the trip. Making those 'out of responsibility' trips with zero gratitude in return can put a lot of stress on you and your family. And do please see a doctor for yourself if you find yourself becoming more and more stressed. Caregivers and family members need attention, too. Don't let any other family member or well-meaning friends dictate to you when you should visit or for how long. Don't visit for appearance's sake. Some patients just do better with little or no family contact. Some patients get agitated when/after you leave which causes a lot of extra work for the staff. Do what you think is best for YOU. Your momma is being taken care of. Don't let guilt ever rule you. My best to you and pls continue to post and let us know how you are doing and how your visit schedules are coming along. We CARE.

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I agree that visiting @ meal time should be avoided. IMO, there are two other important issues here. One is guilt about visiting/not visiting your mother. I believe our society has too many beliefs about how we are supposed to treat our aging parents. These beliefs seem to skip over the fact that many parents are extremely difficult to deal with as they age or as dementia sets.
Clearly, AmyGrace is doing what she "should" with regards to visiting her mother. But these visits are resulting in pain and frustration for her. Thus I agree with other writers that limiting her visits might be a good idea for her own well-being.
BUT, the mother is in a home. Therefore, I believe in the importance of regular visits to ensure that her mother is being cared for. Staff know whose family visits and whose don't. If I were AmyGrace, I would find a reliable and reputable person to visit her mother every week or ten days. It could be a social worker, a retired nurse or teacher, it just needs to be someone reliable who is also observant. This person should prepare a short written report or email to AmyGrace about what she observed that day. This person could also bring snacks or whatever the mother likes. With a smart phone, she could take a photo of AmyGrace's mother each visit. This would be proof that she visited and the staff would be aware that someone is watching AmyGrace's mother.
Of course, this person would need to be paid a reasonable rate. A local church or social services agency could help you find such a person.
Perhaps some of you will think that this option is wacky. But I believe it protects both AmyGrace from her mother's behavior and protects her mother from a potential lack of care in the nursing home.
I had a mother that was impossible to please. Nothing my father or I did ever pleased her. So we paid my aunt, who my mother adored, to take her to all types of appointments. It reduced the pain and stress for my father, who cared for her until she died.
In closing, guilt is not useful as a basis for behavior because the behavior is not heartfelt or authentic, but just guilt driven. All the best to you AmyGrace

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Calling and writing letters or cards to your mom about happy family memories may be another less difficult way to "visit" in between actual visits.

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AmyGrace, This is such a difficult position to be in. Eve when we know in our heads that ti's the dementia stealing our loved one away. We still want their approval and if we don't go, we feel we don't deserve that approval.
But enough already. You need to take care of yourself and an 80 mile round trip is not good for you every week. Rotate with your sister. You go whe you need to take her for an appointment once a month and she will go, again for a reason or an event once each month and see how that works. Feel better. You have done more than everything you could for her.

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ADCaregivers: EXCELLENT advice!

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stop going.

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I would go when it suited me. Or stop going altogether. These are the days of your life too. She sounds more irritated by your visits than pleased in any way. Get someone in the area to check in on her maybe if you are concerned but certainly don't beat your self up over not going or feel guilty.

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I would go occasionally, anyway ------- this tis to prevent elder abuse!!!!

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My significant other is in a nursing home in Chicago in a very bad neighborhood, about 40 miles away -- not my choice, but out of my hands. I am only able to get in to see him every other Sunday morning. It makes me sad, but I don't think he notices. In fact he often thinks that I live there with him and asks where I am, thinking I'm on the premises. Every other week works okay, but I would like him to be closer to me. Bring candy and flowers for the nurses at the desk when you visit and be sure to thank them for taking good care of your Mom. They are overworked and underpaid.

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I'd suggest once a month visits. I would not put a time limit on them as if satisfying a quota. Half hour, five minutes, whatever. If she won't remember anyway, you're the one stressing about it, not her, and that is natural.

This is not an easy situation for you. Take care of yourself.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

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My dear, you sound like me. You already have a good plan. You just need permission and you have it!! When my mom went into the NH last year I decided she needed to settle into her new normal and I needed to settle into mine. My normal includes my life and outside interests. Hers includes her world in the facility and visits from family. I volunteer as a helper at BINGO every week so I visit her but she sees me helping and visiting all the other residents. We have a great time and I don't feel pulled by her in any way like I do when I am alone. Conversations aren't always easy one on one and this way there is no pressure and it is fun. I take her to appointments and occasionally take her out for a walk or some other outing. My sister likes to go several times a week. This is right for her. I regularly go once a week and anything else is when it fits for both of us. It has to be right for you! Know she is well cared for there and that you have the permission you need to change what feels like an obligation.

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In our case we scaled it back to once a month. Mom is much happier when we are not there. (Always was negative and complained - as you say your Mom does.) We stop in and drop of the things she normally needs or likes to have. Usually she does not even know where the things came from. It's ok. We know she is happy without us there constantly and she does not act out as often as she did when we attended regular visits with her. Our health is actually better with this schedule also. Best wishes.

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I've been wrestling with this situation for at least two months. First it was very frequent visits at the NH then I tapered off. It was a new place and it's easier for all if she adjusts at her own pace. My Mom also has ALZ so sometimes she knows me, sometimes she does, sometimes, she's asleep. When I visit, it's never the same day or time. Based on some of the previous responses, you're on the right track.

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1.....I can't believe she's 100, dementia and living in assisted living. 2......my mom is 90, in alz/dementia facility and struggle with this also. Not sure she knows who I am sometimes at least at first and doesn't talk. She was my everything years ago before this disease took her. She is only about 20 minutes away but I am hardly ever going that direction. I visit about once every other week to check on her and the nurses are very good at contacting with certain needs or her hospice nurse and I keep in contact. I agree that if she has a routine and seems to be happy when you are not there then cut your visits back. I use to go so much more often but that was when she was better and could communicate but would still only stay 20 minutes or so. Like others have said, they don't even remember you came or where you came from. If it upsets her (or you) that you are there caregiving is hard enough without the added stress of visiting/driving all that way to be constantly berated for something. I would go when you can and check to see that she's being taken care of properly then let it go. After all, that's what you are paying the AL place for. Good Luck and God Bless.

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My Mom had always been rather difficult to get along with, but now that she has Alzheimer's we are close and I have a much better understanding of her as she lets out more and more about herself that she had kept secret. It has provided real insight of her previous behavior and actions.

I now visit Mom at least twice a week. I take her cookies, candy, treats. We have coffee and cookies during the visit and generally work on a jigsaw puzzle to keep her mind engaged. I bring her fresh flowers once a week. I have taken my laptop to show her pictures of family reunions from years gone by. Sometimes I give her facials and a manicure or shampoo her hair and give her a scalp massage. Anything to make her feel special. I try to bring meals that I know she will enjoy and we share them with pretty tableware, napkins, etc.

Just remember what you Mother's likes are, and try to provide those things. Keep in mind that Dementia changes peoples personalities. When Mom gets cranky, I just laugh it off and joke about it. A lot of times she will laugh in return.

Good luck and best wishes. There are thousands of people sharing what you are going through. You are by no means alone.

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My FIL is in a memory care facility. We visited him at lunch time and he wouldn't eat the main course; did eat soup and ice cream though. We aren't sure if we were a distraction or just what; we did sit at a different table so that could also add to the situation. The family will be having lunch with him on Father's Day so we will see how that goes. We may have to forego eating meals with him and just visit in between meals.

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How often to visit when Mom doesn't care?

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