Mom is hateful, my husband thinks it's dementia. How can I find out from long distance?
How do I know if mom has dementia when I'm in Texas and she's in Iowa and she hates me! I'm still stuck on trying to be the "good daughter". Probably because I'm an only child and mom has no surviving relatives. We had her with us but she was just too beligerent and she actually ran away back to Iowa and is residing with my cousin. She sold their house after daddy passed away to come to Texas. Now she blames me for being alone, and penniless and no one wants her. This all stems from her giving me inheritance money and also money (about $1500) to help fix our old house up so it would be sellable (which it was and we have a new home). But she had money left - what she did with it all I don't know. She blew some it - a $3000 ring she'd been wanting for years and a used car (I understand)..but the rest is just gone. She's a bigot and hates my hispanic husband. She wants to argue and keeps saying I threw her out of our house (I didn't. When she was argumentative and beligerent, I told her if she wasn't happy - there's the door. That is not being thrown out!) Now we live a life of text messaging and she won't stop. She wants to argue and I can't do it. She doesn't have my number, only my husbands because we had to change mine to keep her from making me have a breakdown. I have MS and she apparently could care less if she stresses me out. She has said she's had a couple of strokes, but who knows. It could be lies. My cousin is housing her and believes I am the wench from h*ll simply because of what my mother says. My husband says it's dementia. I don't know how to determine if it is - or do I just walk away before she literally kills me from stress.??
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It seems the things that always irritated me about my mother are exacerbated, and there are new things to apall me now, and the good moments are fewer and farther between. We are living with the grief of losing them while their body shells are still present and require care. It is no wonder there is a support site such as this. Hugs to all, and many prayers go out for each and every one of you.
Since she's broke, do your best to return the $1,500. That might keep her quiet for about a week or so.
Dumping on you is her way of feeling better about herself and justify the silly financial decisions she's made. My mother did it. I tuned her out. Now I'm an outcast for the Puerto Rican side of the family. But I can live with that. At least I'm at peace and don't have to put up with her BS anymore.
To send me on yet another guilt trip, she once blurted out "Forget I'm your mother" b/c I wouldn't give her $500 to honeymoon in Puerto Rico with a 23 y/o gangbanger from across the street. I said "I'm well on my way."
My mom used to be grateful too, but, like you said, her filters are weakened. Makes me cry. I cry because she is trying to hold on to some sense of dignity knowing all along she is losing her mind.
She sees my weary face and weight loss but blames everyone else, not her and no one needs to blame anyone, it is what it is. It is so hard to not get angry so we fill ourselves with pity for everyone and numbness.
Mom, and so many, are in that inbetween place of knowing but not knowing. She isn't here, but she isn't quite there, yet. She is hanging on a cliff and I want to pull her back but I can't. If only I knew what is to come, how long, when...but I don't, none of us do. I am so sorry this has happened to your husband. It could be any of us one day. I pray something comes along soon to help us.
Dementia, loss of memory and mind, is a category all of its own.
I think you are right in one sense, that fear is now your mother's true feeling. But I strongly disagree that what people say and do with dementia necessarily represents their true self.
I had never heard my husband swear or use vulgar language. I do occasionally but him, never. So it was a shock to hear him swear after he developed dementia. But you can't live in our culture and not hear those words. They were in his brain, and when the filters were weakened, they came out of his mouth. Incidentally he also started using other words that were in his brain from reading but were not commonly heard in our social set -- very sophisticated words, not vulgar at all, just uncommon.
Our filters are part of who we are, not something that prevents our true selves from showing through. They represent the values we have learned through the years and decided to incorporate into our lives.
My mother was never ever demanding. She was self-effacing and always appreciative of anything done for her or given to her. She was one of the most tolerant people I know. And now she has dementia. It breaks my heart that she isn't saying "thank you" any more. I know that this is trivial compared to the hideous behaviors sometimes seen in dementia, but it is a loss to her family nevertheless.
The Mom who was your best friend is your True Mom. The Dementia Mom, with the filers weakened, is the impostor, because of the defects now in her brain. Hang on to your memories of True Mom. That is who she would still be if she could.
I have aged 10 years in one year in caring for my mom because caring for her has destroyed my safe place, my home. My mom...my friend...has become my enemy and all I want to do is call my mom...my best friend... to tell her how unhappy I have become, but she is gone.
I have aged 10 years in one year in caring for my mom because caring for her has destroyed my safe place, my home. My mom...my friend...has become my enemy and all I want to do is call my mom...my best friend... to tell her how unhappy I have become, but she is gone.
You have done what you could. Now detach. Let Cousin handle it. If/when Cousin can't handle it, know that Mother needs care that neither of you can give her. Help Cousin find a suitable long term care center.
Meanwhile, send your mother an occasional note or greeting card. Don't give her your phone number. Feel sad that you can't be of more help, but proud that you did what you could. Move on with your life.
Do you have a relationship with your cousin? Try reaching out to your cousin or another family. Perhaps someone can find a way to convince your mom to go to a doctor for the proper tests to find out.
Those who have dementia can have a mean streak but it could be a number of other things. A friend of mine her mom had a brain tumor, she was a sweet lady and the tumor turned her into a mean and nasty. Swear words she would not use suddenly she was using.
The key is to talk to who is on the good side of your mom and see if they can convince her to seek help.
It is hard not to take these things personally, it really is. But find who she is trusting and seek their help.
Good luck!
My mother is the same way. She was always the nicest person around everyone before but could be a handful when it was no one but family. Now, she has no off button. She can't understand that half of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is either racist, bigoted or just flat out ignorant, and while I can overlook most of it, the personal attacks make me regret taking care of her and my father. I live inhome so there's no real escape. (Gave up a job and house of my own to move in with them when it became apparent they could not care for themselves.)
She was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's, plus she is manic depressive/bipolar (we're not sure which, she was diagnosed 30 years ago, refused meds at any point and will not see a therapist for anything because she's so paranoid). She was like this before she became older, but now it's like there's no filter or off switch to it, she will cut loose on anyone, doctors, nurses, strangers in the grocery store. Sometimes I wish they came with mute buttons... then they could rant all they wanted and no one would have to hear it!