I have been trying for a year to get help for my Mom. My sister has and still is abusing her emotionally and verbally. She hit my Mom about 2 years ago and when my Mom told me, she turned it around and had everyone believing I was causing a problem. She won't let me see mom alone. It has to be supervised which is a joke because I've never put my hands on my mom, ever. She tells mom what to say, what she can or can't talk about. My Mom is 87 and in midstage of Alzheimer's but her mind is still here. I don't know what to do anymore. She also put a restraining order on me so I can't check on mom. I hate her for what she's doing to my Mom. But I'm not allowed to get mad or blow off steam cuz she calls the cops saying I'm threatening her life. I am applying for guardianship but not sure if it will he granted because I have a felony in my past. My Mom said she wanted to stay with me and now she can't come to my house to visit. My sister basically holding her prisoner because she wants moms money so she has to make her stay. I honestly believe my sister and her daughter have hit my mom when she tries to fight back. And Sienna W. from APS is a joke. She not qualified to he working in that field. She's incompetant. Not once has she came to me to ask why I filed this report but she believes my sisters lies and she doesn't even know her anymore than me. I will never stop banging on doors to get help until someone opens their damn eyes or takes tye blinders off and see my sister for what she really is and helps my Mom. Hopefully she'll get charged with something that will lock her up for the rest of her pathetic life and my mom change enjoy all of her kids and be happy before she passes. If anyone can suggest an agency or person that might be able to help, please let me know. We have all done things wrong in our past and we had to pay the price for it. At least I uave learned from my mistakes. My sister has always been able to talk her way out of just about everything. I mean, she gets charged for having sex with a 13-14 year old and she got away with it. She was in her 40's and almost destroyed that family and she still was sexually active with this kid. I'm starting to believe no one can stop her. Just because she's the oldest doesn't mean shit or than she has mire experience at lying and manipulating.
It's terribly upsetting for one relative to over-lord the elder, taking advantage of them in any way, and/or mistreating them in any way. It is also common for one or more persons in a family to have a greater sense of offense when something done is questionable--that needs to be worked on to help yourself hold on to a more level-headed calm; because once a person loses their calm-centeredness, they've lost the battle--no matter what that is.
1. As someone posted above, YOU need to put YOUR ducks in a row: put together documents or diaries that show what you've been doing, for how long, with names, dates and what, to pull your life together on the right track. That supports that you are fit [or not] to be guardian and/or caretaker of your Mom or anyone else.
2. When you know something's happened...verbal, but mostly physical, call to report that to 9-1-1. That starts a collection of records with the sheriff's department. IF you know off other people who have witnessed your sister's mistreatment of Mom, and they are willing to also file reports with the sheriff's department, please have them also do that.
3. You can also call to have well-checks done by the police/sheriff. This can be anonymous. And, it could be that neighbors have noted loud yelling or whatever--so they might have called to report things going on there, too.
4. Keep a diary or calendar; write short notes each day you speak with mom and/or your sister. Write down what was said or done. A Calendar with daily notes, becomes like a log-book, and usually is admissible in court as evidence.
5. Has your sister filed a restraining order against you? That may be a moot point, if APS gets involved.
6. Talk to your State's Elder care Ombudsman office. They Might be able to look into it, but that office is mostly in charge of nursing home issues.
7. Area Agency on Aging has volunteer lawyers. But, those can be any specialty, and the one you get to talk with, may not specialize in what sort of legal help you need....then they simply refer you to those who do that. But, you can look in your local yellow pages, and find lawyers who specialize in elder care issues....some of those might have 30 minute free session offers. Be sure to only have a few questions--lawyers are notorious for giving a lengthy dissertation on only one question, side-tracking actually answering it!!!
8. You MIGHT consider contacting officials, filing your reports, to get Mom removed from not only your sister's care, but also from yours or any other siblings.
Mom would be put in a care home or facility, where more people are present doing care, and, there are more rules to be followed, officially. That way BOTH can visit and even participate in Mom's care, but Neither of you get's custody.
This Can possibly go as far as to have the judge appoint someone else as Mom's guardian and who also takes care of her funds/finances. That means neither of you get to control Mom or her finances, nor take any sort of advantage of her--she effectively becomes a ward of the State, and others are in charge....but the person in charge can then state who gets to visit, how long and under what conditions--that is Usually more even-handed than many relatives can be.
IF you contact APS, include the statement "If mom is removed from Sister's home-care, and IF the State does not see me as a fit person to take that task on, then it's OK with me if the State takes over her guardianship and care of her affairs: I just want Mom to be safe and properly taken care of!!"
That statement by you, attests to your observations, your willingness to take on the care taking job yourself, AND your willingness to relinquish all control the State, if they deem both of you inappropriate.
Being willing to give that up to the State, Might help them take your reports of mistreatment more seriously. AND, you have to really mean it. Because if there is much reporting on how an elder is being mistreated by their caregiver, consistently and chronically, that might be the outcome.
Work on learning how to be at peace with yourself, and building a life for yourself.
You didn't learn how to be dysfunctional in your life, from nowhere--you learned it at home...which means both Mom and sister are also some levels of dysfunctional.
You must decide what goals you want for your life, then consider how your family members fit into making your dreams happen. If they in reality look like they will keep you tied down to your past messes, then ask yourself, if it's worth sticking anywhere near them?
Or, maybe only long enough to make sure Mom gets proper care in the last bit of her life, then you take leave of your sister and her behaviors?
IF you go ahead with all this reporting and working to get Mom removed from sister's, what might the retaliation actions be, by your sister? Are you ready for that?
Do you know how to set rational, realistic limits on other's use of you and your assets? When you make a decision based on the best information you have, how able are you to stick to that, and stick to your limit-setting consistently?
It's very hard to make those decisions, but your life may depend on it.
I hope this gets straightened out well for all involved.
You are making serious allegations and if someone is lying to APS or vice versa, there will be serious ramifications.
Hang in there and remember, your mother is the one that needs the care. The last thing she needs is anything to cause her more distress.