My father and mother have a routine. However, Mom does things that merit a nurse to come in and spend a few hours a day to relieve Dad so he can get some rest. Dads routine is driving mom around, taking her to breakfast, sometimes lunch. He cooks dinner. Meantime she asks all day, lets go eat, lets get out of this house, lets go home. Hundreds of times a day. Dad is tired. We do what we can, and we are tired emotionally and physically sometimes. Very sad to see our parents facing old age. They live in florida and we were able to have a wonderful young girl come in for about 4 times. And then Dad said, we dont need her'..and ended it. Now we are back to square one. He and 'we' needed her.
We love our parents dearly. We will do what we can for however long we can.
Meantime I was searching for a clue to what to say to my father to help him see we need in home nurse care. We will not put them or her or individually put them in any nursing home or assisted living. Not at this point. Thank you. Was looking for good advice on how people approach their parent that we need a nurse. :) Thank YOU....
1. Fear of losing independence: Getting some help does not mean they are feeble or less independent. This will actually make it possible for them to remain in their own home longer (you can even cite "scientist's studies have shown that seniors who get a some help at home stay home longer")
2. Fear of spending all their money: You could maybe show them the math of getting in-home help now vs. the cost of moving into an assisted living or retirement community. Bonus: they can stay in their own home longer, have more independence and spend less money in the long run!
3. Fear of being abandoned by family: Assure your dad that the intention to get them help is to help them stay home as long as possible, and to give him a break, and that you will not abandon him. Getting more help is the opposite of abandonment!
4. Fear of victimization/abuse from caregiver: A new person in the home may be a threat, and seniors may feel vulnerable or cite "I had a friend once who had a caregiver who stole such and such..." You can find good caregivers through referrals from friends (trustworthy), or have someone, you or a trusted friend, drop by when the caregiver is there to make the senior feel the caregiver is "being checked up on" by someone they trust. You can also increase a feeling of safety by going through a licensed, bonded agency (which in some states require caregivers to pass 2 background checks), or run a background check on your own on a private caregiver.
5. Worry about having to supervise someone: It may help to have a job description written up so the caregiver and senior know exactly what is expected, and what the caregiver will be doing, what hours, days, etc. Also, a checklist can be put together and the senior can sit down with the worker at the beginning or end of the shift and go over it together. This gives the senior more control.
I hope this information might help!
Again, I don't really have an answer for you but just wanted you to know you are it alone. If I do get him to get help I will tell you how I did it and again, vice versa , please!!!
My husband and I (I am the only surviving child) totally uprooted our lives 2 1/2 years ago to move from being 10 hours away from my parents to being only 1 hour away. In the time that we've been here, my dad has been hospitalized a dozen times for everything from a broken hip from falling in the driveway to collapsing from dizziness to having pneumonia. Two weeks ago my mom fell in the garage and busted her head open, requiring stitches and a dozen staples to close it up; the doctors said she was extremely fortunate to not have a major head injury or broken bones. Dad runs the whole spectrum in trying to deal with her at home; one day he calls me and wants me to get him information on putting mom in a facility, then he backs down when she threatens suicide (which happens frequently -- it's a control play), then he tells visiting nurses people that he wants professional help but won't contact the people who are recommended. I spend several days a week going to their home, taking them out for food, doing some cleaning and paperwork, just trying to help. When I was there the other day, he could not even stand up from dizziness. He insists that they'll be fine, but it's evident to anyone with a brain that they won't. I admire self-reliance to a point, but not when it threatens their well-being and safety.
I say all that to point out that, with some parents, there is no way to convince them that they need help. I agree with MishkaM that if the adult children help too much, the elders will take much longer to see the truth. The hardest part of all this is realizing that you cannot make them do anything, unless you can get them declared incompetent, which is bloody hard to do and emotionally draining to boot. I wish there were a magic phrase to use with our parents to make them see reason, but there just isn't. Good luck with your dad, I hope he believes you and doesn't fight you on it. My experience has forced me to face the unpleasant reality that cooperation is not always forthcoming.
I found that when I found the "right connection" with the caregiver, my Mother looked forward to the company. It wasn't always perfect and never will be, but the right connection and personality makes a "huge" difference. Not knowing where your nurse and/or caregiver is from, think about calling people you know, friends, other family members that would be interested in making these visits. If your Mom likes the person, as well as your Dad, you will likely find a change in his attitude and become more accepting. It's a difficult situation, just keep plugging away..and keep reinforcing your love. Marco40
Often I think my father is looking at it as 'giving up' and 'humiliated' with what he is facing with the effects of old age. Also, 'can lead a horse to water, but we cant make it drink'. :)
They truly have been wonderful parents. We do want to care for them, but we need assistance. We don't want to do more damage then good to our Mom when we know someone professional has the techniques to care for someone with ALZ. if only we can be trained. But sometimes we think 'showing love' and being kind and having patience is a key. So we do that too. As hard as we try to do all we can, we still think HAVING A NURSE there will be most beneficial. We'll see how this goes. Hopefully soon he will agree. Dad wants us to just keep 'loving her' just as she is and being patient with her just as she is. Etc. etc. we're doing the best we can. Thanks for listening.
By starting the conversation that they are doing this for your sake ( "I am being selfish") they have to say "we don't care about you" in order to avoid doing something.
As an only child there are many reasons that you need (hired) back-up. Does your husband have parents who might need care? What if you/hubby get sick? What if (forbid!) you want to go on a 2 wk vacation?
It is hard, because the self-reliance thing is likely why they are still living at home.
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