Yesterday my Mom is sure she had another nearly identical shirt to the one she's been wearing, even though I know she didn't. She is sure someone took it. I don't want to make her angry by denying her memory, but also don't want to implicate the facility in her delusions. She is also hiding and counting her money constantly and sure she had $200 and now only has $40, or remembers a check she got and where is the money? I knew she'd start this when she started spending the money and I try to reassure her by telling her what she bought. How can I gracefully handle these accusations? It's nearly a daily thing.
If you do not already have durable power of attorney, now is the time to get it done along with getting your mom's affairs in order so that you know that she has the resources to continue living in ALF. As dementia progresses, she will need more care and you will need to ensure that she has the means to pay for it.
Learn to redirect your mother when she makes accusations because you cannot reason with her impaired brain. You will find a lot of good videos from Teepa Snow, who is a dementia care expert - on YouTube. Starting your learning process about cognitive decline/dementia now will help you make better decisions later on and prevent a lot of unnecessary stress.
Responding is a fine line between not arguing with her and also not agreeing that there is theft going on. Tough! Be sympathetic and reassuring. "Oh Mom, it must be so frustrating to not have as much money as you think you should have! Let's just stop and think what could have happened to it. I know you spent $40 last week when we went shopping ..." You can also promise "to look into it" or to "report it to the director" etc.
"Hmm ... I don't remember another shirt like this one, but I'll go to the laundry room and see if I can find it. I know it is easy for things to get mixed up in the laundry. If it doesn't show up in a week or so, how about getting another one?" And then redirect. "I noticed a new art display in the foyer. Let's go down and look at it."
This is definitely not easy!
If she's a well established resident and these groundless anxieties are a new thing, it's a change in behaviour that needs investigating - report it to her GP.
Not to be a mean, but what world do you live in?
GP? He/she will probably want little to do with Carol's mom, especially if it's a hospital GP. Many are glad when people such as Carol's mom are in AL or NH, that way, they don't have to deal with them as much; let the AL or NH deal with them.
Things do go missing in facilities; my aunt had that problem. It was very distressing that some of her possessions were being stolen. She had no dementia, just physically couldn't care for herself.