Hi from the UK. Firstly, this is my first time posting and I am so grateful for this forum, I had been feeling so alone and helpless and hadn't realised that a lot of the things I experience are shared/common universally until I came across this site.
I'll try to keep this short, but like most scenarios, it is complex with a lot of layers and history.
1. I have an 87 yo narcissistic mother (only realised that whilst doing some recent reading to recover from a romantic relationship).
2. She uses Christianity as part of her armoury to add the extra sting to her already harsh tongue.
3. She had an abusive marriage, however I have since learnt that not everything was as she regularly recounted it to us as children, my father tried to get custody of me and felt he had to leave the marriage. Has 7 living children, I am the youngest and the only one who consistently provides care and support. 2 she don't speak to as they at various points of adult hood challenged her character or didn't abide by her rules. 3 don't speak to her or support her or me as they have had enough of her ways, but this really hurts me and I can't believe they don't see that. 1 Brother, of her eye, lives far away talks the talk, but does nothing practical.
4. She had a minor fall 8 years ago and since then she has declined to the point that she is now largely bed bound, lives in one room of a big house and is piling on the burden of guilt on me to help her all the time.
Refuses to move out of the house, even though it us falling to bits around her and she has less than ideal neighbours, who I have to deal with.
5. I'm angry because I visit and see her in her bed and I can't help but feel she has consciously let herself deteriote, (even though prior to the fall she was active working, always out) she never made any effort to follow or try the advice given by professionals to help with mobility, always saying she couldn't do things like exercise without me being there (this would be exercise such as stretching). Also refuses to let them assess her for mental health issues. She calls me for everything, she expects me to be the doctor, electrian, gardner, cook, accountant etc. I have now brought in some professional caregivers, but all she does is complain about them.
6. When I visit, I do try to mentally prepare. But I enter the room, she has partly barricaded it, so you have to force it open, this immediately triggers me, as I am usually carrying several bags of shopping for her and she has both the radio and TV so loud, my spirit just gets thrown into chaos. I feel like I am entering the lions den. My asking that one or the other is turned down, usually warrants a snidey comment and sets the tone of the visit. I find myself walking out after usually having a full on argument with her, because of something she has said, but I realise I am also just so angry with her for lots of reasons, but mostly for giving up, being so stubborn and still being so nasty. I dont feel proud of this and really don't want to be having disagreements with anyone of that age, I don't think I could live with myself, if our last words were ugly.
Especially during these times, I had even thought of trying to spend Xmas with her, to try and start some sort of repair process but I know deep down it won't be a success as the communication is only one way.
Finally, I have stopped calling everyday because her constant neediness, criticisms and negativity has worn me down to the point that I want either one of us to go, just for the peace. However, I dont have it in me to cut the ties at her age and I know that I will need to see her again and really seeking practical tips on how to surpress my anger, whilst there and stop feeling so guilty once I have left.
Thank you. x
You don’t have to ‘cut the ties’ completely, and your last words don’t have to be ‘ugly’. Minimise the contact to what you can handle. You can leave her shopping outside her barricaded door. It would be good for her to get out of bed and put it away. You can leave a ‘Seasons Greetings’ card for her, with nice words in it. You can push the door open a little, wave a hand through the gap and wish her a good day – loud enough for her to hear it over the TV! You can give her phone numbers for the “doctor, electrician, gardener, cook, accountant” etc, with a nice little note at the end of the list. You can have a faulty phone that just drops out on calls that are getting unpleasant, no need to lose your temper.
Follow Country Mouse’s advice (she's our UK expert), try to get mother into the official care system, and try to limit your involvement and your expectations. Keep them both down to what you can manage without doing yourself a lot of damage. Best wishes, Margaret
I just wanted wave 'hi!' in the UK, and say how much I empathise. I'll look out for Country Mouse, too. (Thank you, Margaret.)
Your mother wants her 'independence' which means that she wants to stay in her home at YOUR expense, while you are doing everything; being the chief cook & bottle washer, while she complains about all of it. That's not 'independence' but full DEPENDENCE on another person for being too selfish to move into managed care or to hire in home help. That's the truth. See it and recognize it for what it truly IS.
If you can no longer do this, and I don't blame you for not wanting to, then here's the conversation: Sorry mother but I can no longer contribute to your death wish by refusing to move out of the bed & help yourself to get back on your feet. If and when you are ready to take charge of YOUR LIFE, please give me a call & leave a message on my voicemail. In the meantime, I wish you good luck and Godspeed.
You can't save a person from herself. You can, however, save YOURSELF from a toxic person. Before it's too late for you. She's lived her life, she's made her choices, horrible as they are. But you don't have to continue to enable her to live this way, or to watch her die this way. And you have way too much to live for yourself to even be making such statements as you've made. CREATE the peace you desperately seek in your life by setting down some boundaries for yourself.
Wishing you the best of luck; I know how terribly hard all of this is b/c I have a very, very toxic mother myself. I limit my contact with her AND she lives in a managed care residence about 4 miles away.
You can see her on your schedule. It gives you the power to decide your time.
That she has barricaded herself shows mental health issues.
My mother is also stubborn. We wish them better but they are adults and have to live the path they chose. We can't make anyone change.
It is her loss for a healthier life, and a close relationship with you. It takes two to make a good relationship. If she tears it down then she is not invested in it.
My mother complains also, probably her need for power and to be in control ( which she doesnt have-it just makes her look bossy). We all wish for a story book loving mother, but real life deals us a selfish one,
You will have to start to get her registered for what aid is available for her within the community if you don't wish to continue to do it. Once you start making yourself responsible for things, you somehow continue to be so, and it is very difficult to unwind.
I would stop expectations of change. There will be no Christmas Miracles; that's the movies. She is exactly who she is and with age that will increase. I would stop pretending that there is anything but obligation here, at least in your own mind, and would do what I am willing to be, and let the rest be on the community at large.
There really are very few choices here. Back away as much as you can. If that results in hospitalization then the Social Workers should be informed you are already doing more than you are willing to do. Don't pick up more.
So sorry this is what you are saddled with, but dependent on how old she is there are decades of this to get through,
You are going to have to begin to stand up for yourself. For instance: "I can stay and unpack the groceries, but only if you turn off the radio and TV while I do so; up to you". Snide remark? Out the door you go. It is called training by reinforcement of HER behavior. It will be good for her to get up and unpack.
As to the religiosity thrown in, that's only good for a giggle.
For myself, mother or no, I wouldn't be involved with this person. I know my limitations, and accept them. She would be in the care of the State in so far as they are willing to care for her. I find people often continue in the care because they were raised and trained to take on the abuse of a person, and to be kept "down" to such a level they cannot rise in their own defense.
We often hear from people in care of someone abusive who bemoans the fact that the other children do not participate in care. To my mind I always think that those were the wise children who recognized the paralysis created by abuse in return for help, and moved away from it.
I wish you the very best of luck. You will see your story repeated here so often. I haven't seen many good answers other than removing yourself from the abusive situation.
Think of suppressing anger akin to a volcano. For a while you'll get along with just having the magma grow inside of you like the dome of Mt. St. Helens until BOOM - you burst and spew lava all over the place to release the pressure.
Suppressing your anger is not dealing with the actual problem. You are AVOIDING your actual problem. Your anger will turn to rage. Why are you sparing your mother from confronting her? Why are you not capable of being direct with your mother and saying something like "Mother, I am very angry at how you have let yourself go and how you expect me to do everything for you. I can't do it anymore and I'm in need of a break from you. You need professional help."
Your siblings have established healthy boundaries for themselves. Unfortunately, because you enable your mother to do little to nothing for herself, they avoid you along with her. I think it's you who doesn't see the hurt that she has caused your siblings. From the sound of your post, you are hurting too but you choose to allow your mother to continue to hurt you whereas your siblings have chosen to stop allowing their mother to hurt them.
Welcome to the forum. You will learn a lot from this forum if you open yourself up to learning and trying new things. Only you can change the dynamic with your mother. You can't change your siblings.
Please, do not move in with this woman or move her in with you. For now u can walk away when u want or need to. Looks like u have set boundries to a point by not calling. It goes the other way too, you don't need to pick up the phone. I may be brutally honest with her, and not in anger but quietly, when she gets snarky. "Mom...you have 7 children and out of those 7 who does for you? Well, if you would like me to continuing doing for you I think I deserve a little respect. You need to stop the constant neediness, criticisms and negativity towards me. I do what I can do. So this is how its going to be. Everytime you criticize, show neediness or negative, I will walk out." And you need to do it. At 87 she needs u more than u need her. You need to set Boundries. You are an adult, not a child anymore.
There was a question on the site asking if the OP was enabling her mother by doing things for her when she was at her home. A reply was not enabling but disabling. If your Mom can do it herself, let her. Enabling is giving a drug addict the drug or an alcoholic a bottle of whiskey. Or giving them money knowing they will use it on drugs and alcohol instead of a good meal. Disabling is doing something for someone who is perfectly able to do it on their own. May take a little longer to do. Maybe a little harder but they will get it done.
Country Mouse is from the UK and works in the health field. She maybe able to help you with resources for Mom.
Other stuff followed, but ended when she began SCREAMING at me, literally, so loud I'm sure the neighbors heard. I got up, slapped her gently on the back and said "V, I am giving you the greatest gift. I'm DONE with you. I will never see you again. Have a great life". And I slammed out of there and have not returned and will not return.
Dh sat in his deafness (deafness + selective hearing) and didn't pay any attention to me.
So now he does not have a buffer to take when he has to visit her.
8 weeks ago he went to fix something for her, she began to scream at HIM and he finally did what I did. Told her he was done with the nonstop toxicity and walked out. Hasn't seen her since. Ignored her birthday and will ignore her on Christmas.
Will she care? Nope, not one bit.
I am perfectly FINE, DH is struggling a little. Guilt is getting to him, but he may be able to remain strong. I am encouraging him to go to therapy to work out the years of abuse and nastiness. Up to him.
I just feel sorry for my SIL who now has ALL the burden of this nasty, angry hateful woman in her lap. The OB walked a couple of years ago and hasn't seen nor spoken to MIL since.
We've been written out of her will but DH is still the executor. What a mess.
I really wouldn't lock yourself down with her over Christmas! - but what Tier are you and she in, both the same level?
"Detaching with love" is the skill you want to work on, it seems. No easy task. But it can be done.
What kind of support do you have for yourself, emotionally and practically? Who is there on Team Lioness?
Thank you for your reply. I have only just returned to this. I have brought in professional help. Local health providers were brought in months ago, but she won't let them do any head scans, so they haven't pursued it and do not check regularly.
She has a carer visit twice a day (it was 3 times, but she called them and changed it) Now she complains that they don't do what she asks them, spend enough time, that they are taking things from the house or roughly handling her. I have been there when they are there and witnessed her speaking to one of them in an awful way. She takes issue with most of the care workers and phones and complains to the agency, so they are continually changing the people that are sent.
I would like to know how to detach with love. I am trying to increase activities that help with calm and stress relief and taking deep breaths before I visit, but she will always say something that I just can't believe and instantly my blood boils. I have stopped visiting her as much, so she has resorted to calling (will ring about 6 times, one call immediately after another ) and leaving messages on my voicemail and on the odd occasion I will pick up, when I think I have managed to get my emotional state to a stronger position, she says something which she knows is going to upset me and I find my spirit pulled right back down in an instant. Im honestly being pulled to cutting off completely, but I need to have complete peace with what that realistically means, which I don't know how to get. I have a couple of good friends who I share what is going on with, but thats about it. Actually looking into therapy options atm, which is something I would never have considered before.