NeedHelpWithMom Asked March 2019
How should I handle boredom?
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Sometimes I get incredibly bored being a full time caregiver. I’ve kind of lost interest in hobbies I used to love. Sick of television. Don’t even listen to my favorite music much anymore.
Of course, I do necessary stuff like cook, clean and take care of mom.
I’m talking about fun things like jewelry making that I love or other crafts.
Anyone else dealing with boredom? Or is it that I struggle with loneliness or even depression?
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You need to take care of yourself.
I talk to all of you but sometimes it’s hard talking about it. I have done therapy before when I could leave mom for a bit. Now I can’t get away and the guilt would eat me alive. It’s awful. I know I have value and need to take care of myself but kind of give up at times. I do need to try and force myself to make changes.
Plus, in therapy they guide you to speak about things that are really difficult for me and I end up more depressed. Hard to explain.
I want time away for either solitude or with friends for fun things! Not time away to think about or discuss what I am trying not to focus on. Do you understand?
Do you have any time for your jewelry making, for example? If so, could you commit to sit down and work on it for say 15 minutes and see how you feel on the other end?
I love your name! I still watch Charlie Brown at Christmas and Snoopy is so cool!
Some days I do have time to do it. I get upset because I can’t get to the store to buy certain clasps or other parts that I may need. But I do have supplies here. I have ordered online but I enjoy going to the bead shops or bead shows to see things in person more.
I also get upset when creating a design and mom will interrupt with something that is not important at all. Or the biggie, sit and watch me when she usually just sits in her room otherwise. It’s like, “What are you making?” I tell her. Sometimes I don’t mind her watching but not always. She may be bored too! Breaks my heart that she can no longer work on projects because of Parkinson’s tremors, eyesight failing and simply old age.
Even ask her if she would like me to make her a bracelet and so on. But I feel as if I want it to be my time to relax and be creative.
I used to belong to a group that met once a month. It was a nice group of ladies and we did different projects together. We had lunch catered. We had our meetings at the Chamber of Commerce building in a huge conference room on Saturday afternoons. I loved it! The library would show our finished pieces on certain selected days. The chamber would sell our items in their gift shop. We donated items to raise money for certain charities. Nice being part of a community. I miss that.
We would participate in shows and certain fundraisers. But I can’t do any of that anymore.
My mom was very active in the craft fair scene. She is extremely talented. So I know she misses it. But when she did the shows she was living at her house with no one to interfere with making her items. She sold lots!
She doesn’t think anything of interrupting me when I am working on a project and it drives me nuts!
Ahhhh, hiking. I used to love to take walks. And hiking on pretty trails. But I can’t get away on a trip to hike on a trail, not even a day trip to a state park to hike the trail there.
Now I do my exercise bike. Again, gets boring!
I hope you find some answers that make you feel better and invigorate your interests again.
Nope, can’t get away and mom absolutely will not go anywhere but to the doctor. She won’t even do the hair salon anymore. I had to find a stylist to come to the house.
I know she gets exhausted and I try like hell to be understanding but I find myself resentful at times not ever having a change of scenery as you say or others to talk to. I get so tired of only talking about ‘senior citizen’ stuff. Feel like my brain is turning to mush. No stimulation. Know what I mean?
Sometimes I stare out the window and especially if it’s a pretty day, I get a little down because I am stuck here. 😞
You can't let her continue to be the only one that matters.
She doesn't need to agree, she just needs to do.
Buck up and put your foot down. If she says no, get your local area on aging in to do an assessment to know what kind of facility. She will see you are serious and at that point it is all on her what her future address is.
Its like dealing with a kid, if you say I'm not telling you again, you better not tell them again, implement the consequence that they were told would happen, tears, screaming, yelling and all. Yep, sucks but you were told this would happen.
You let her treat you like a little girl and that is a hard factor to change, but if you die what will really happen to her? You are a grown woman who has kindly allowed your mom to live in your house free of charge for 14 years, time to be the mistress of your home.
Sorry if I sound harsh but enough already, she isn't the only one that matters, regardless of what she thinks. A loving mother would want her daughter to have a life and some happiness.
I won’t dispute any of what you are saying. It’s like I am stuck. I need a good kick in the rear. Thanks.
I go through the what if’s. I really think that negativity rubs off even if deep down it isn’t who we really are. Her negativity has not been good for me. Well, certainly not to be around on a full time basis. I fully understand her frustration as well. 93 and Parkinson’s is tough.
I am more than compassionate with her. More than I am with myself and there has to be balance. I get that.
I guess if you had to pin me down it isn’t about separation from her. I would visit her. It’s about finances. Are these prices at ALF set in stone? Are they negotiatable? The nursing homes in my area are not good. Don’t understand what palliative care is really all about. Her primary care doctor said she is not ready for hospice. It’s confusing. I’m trying. I know I am guilty of moving slower than I should but it’s big decisions. I appreciate everyone’s help and I am truly trying to process it all.
I believe that about the soul as well. My mom, aunt and grandmother were all very creative. I miss that. Many years ago, I managed a store. I worked hard at that job and this may sound crazy but it didn’t feel like work. I loved it! I taught classes. Made all the window displays. Would sell them and have to make more. It was fun.
Never thought about just looking at my stuff. Yeah, could bring back some inspiration, couldn’t it?
True, but that gets boring too. I want human interaction. Know what I mean? I used to have an active life, plus down time. No down time caring for a 93 year old.
I honestly don’t know if mom is declining in that way. She’s fearful at times. My brain hurts trying to figure it all out! Haha
I know you are giving me good advice. I do. I will get there. I feel like a stalled car right now. Strange.
It's not so much the boredom, or the frustrations of constant interruption, or even the feeling that you want to climb the walls. It's the loss of interest even in the things you *do* like. That's not good. That can snowball.
Do you know someone who can give you a qualified professional opinion on this point? I think you might be working with a therapist, are you? - sorry if I've got that completely wrong.
I have seen a therapist before. This may sound strange to you and others but there were times that therapy became very hard. Not because of the therapist. He was wonderful. Also, I am aware that therapy is hard work and I have worked hard all of my life. I get that anything worth having is worth fighting for.
It’s difficult to put my feelings into words at times. I’ll try. I wanted and did make a genuine effort in therapy, otherwise it’s a waste of time, right? But this may sound strange but after awhile I would question how it was helping me talk about what I needed to get away from. Sometimes it depressed me further.
I felt like after a few months I needed a break from the therapy even though the therapist told me my outlook had improved.
I daydream about being with people my age. Or even younger people living a full life. Sounds mean but I get tired of only hearing ‘old people’ stuff. I feel like a 93 year old! I want to talk to younger people and hear different things.
I am going to get to see my nephew at the end of the month. I can’t wait. He, his wife and children will be visiting from AZ. We will have a barbecue. Keeping it relatively simple so we can relax and visit. Plus the kids are picky eaters! Three adorable kids, 9, 4 and 2.
My mom will get to see her great grandchildren. They do send photos but it isn’t the same as seeing them. I understand they can’t travel much. Cost a lot for a family to fly these days.
I was very close to my nephew when he was a kid. his brother too (my godchild).
It will wonderful to see him. After he went into the army we didn’t get to see him much. He was in the Middle East five times! I prayed for him everyday. I sent care packages for him and his buddies. He said that’s how they did it. Whoever sent packages sent for a group so they could share, so it was easier for me to send things from Sam’s where I could buy in bulk.
I’m trying to keep my spirits up but I sometimes feel like life is passing me by and before I know it I will be dead! Sorry, don’t want to depress you or others. Thanks for listening to me with my same old boring stuff about my life with mom. I do love her. I may have stress and I have had heartbreak in my life but I have never forgotten the good memories that I have. The heartbreak has only made me appreciate the good times more. I cherish those memories.
As humans we get stuck in routines and as humans, we are very social creaters. I think you are not just bored but lonely as well. You should talk to a therapist to help you come up with a plan. Also help you with the depression. Depression can be a slippery slope, and I don't want you to go down that ranbit hole...it is easier to go down then it is to get out of it...just speaking from experience!
Perhaps you can find someone to sit with mom for a few hours a week, kind of like a babysitter with some skills in care giving.
You also have to try to make yourself do something or nothing will change. Easier said than done!
And I totally get the frustration about being interrupted when your in the middle of doing something that needs all of your attention. I like to write and I will be in the middle of writing and my mother will decide it is time to play 20 questions game and there goes my focus out the window:( ugh!
You could also try playing a strategy game, this will help your brain have something to do besides thinking about your problems and your circumstances. It gives you away to check out for short periods of time.
You could also try to come up with new things for dinner or deserts. Push your cooking or baking skills. Some people have stubble on skills they never knew they had just by trying new things!
You have to take care of yourself because I am afraid when all is said and done, and find yourself without having to take care of your mom...What will be left of you?
I hope this helps! You will be in my prayers.
Exactly, I will have a design in my head and she starts yakking and I lose focus.
Yes, I do get concerned about sinking into depression.
Hey, I live in New Orleans. I can cook! Hahaha. We are known for our food. music, people, uniqueness (not just anywhere USA) and unfortunately now, for horrible crimes. Certainly not the city I grew up in. Still, it’s a great city with interesting history and culture.
I think so too. In fact the therapist I had before said it was ‘situational depression’. Ironically, he and his wife were caregivers to his MIL so he completely understood my circumstances. Think it can go along with the territory depending on our particular experience in caregiving.
Codependency can also become an issue.
now...I have been living in my RV and traveling since early 2017. All that learning and planning paid off. Just wish I had spent more time learning about insulation!
look to your future and spend your time working toward that plan...even if it is only educating yourself.
Moving forward for my own future was enough to help me overcome boredom and even the stress of the day to day care....kept my dream alive
Yeah, in my youth, long ago I dated a guy that wanted to take me to the mountains. I grew up in New Orleans, only went to Florida every summer because my dad really missed Florida, his childhood home was in the Panama City beach area.
Went camping and backpacking through the mountains. So beautiful for a gal from New Orleans to see. New Orleans is flat! Haha.
So many pretty places to see. Have traveled before being tied down with mom.
My husband is very different than my old boyfriend. He’d never camp and backpack!
I like variety. I love the city, countryside, beach, mountains, all of it, staying in nature, fancy hotel, bed and breakfast, boutique hotel, etc.
Good for you! See the world!
You are very kind. Every situation is different. It can become complicated. I can’t speak to yours. Nor does anyone understand totally what I go through. We can empathize with each other. It’s hard.
But I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to be bound like this. We do need breaks and socialization too.
Force the issue of help, either at senior center or her forking over some money for in home help.
You are more worried about upsetting her than you are about your wellbeing. That is a bad place to be, it takes your hope.
You are an amazing daughter and you have gone above and beyond for her, it is time she compromises her hard azz stance.
Can your husband tell her that she needs to go to senior center, pay for an in home aid or she will be going to a facility because he is not going to watch you die trying to prop her stubborn azz up. She doesn't get to hold you hostage unless you agree. This is robbing you of so many things.
Consider yourself kicked in the butt!
Hugs, this will work out.
So who do I speak to about assessment? Is that done at the doctor’s office with her primary care doctor or could her neurologist that treats her Parkinson’s do it? Do you prefer a certain person do the assessment? Sorry if you told me before and I forgot.
My husband and she get along well. I have never asked him to speak to her. Don’t know if he would feel awkward.
I know he is just as tired as I am. He works hard. He also travels with his job. I used to be able to join him on business trips occasionally and that was fun.
I could go to a museum or shopping, whatever, then we’d meet up for dinner. We would usually stay a couple of extra days so he would not be working the entire time. We both miss our kids. We miss doing little things, wouldn’t have to be extravagant.
Prioritize alone time for yourself. You mentioned some things you used to love. Try them again. If you can’t afford a caretaker to step in (and give you a break), find someone in your area in a similar situation - take turns having time off while you give your parents some time together. They may enjoy this too. If you feel lackluster about your past favorite activities, brainstorm a list with new ideas that excite you. Make sure some type of exercise (even a long walk) is on the list. When you come back from your “breaks” you’ll be happy to see your Mom and she’ll appreciate you more.
Take care of yourself. Remember to put that oxygen on yourself first, so that you can take care of others. You are not alone. There are many if us, just like you, who understand just how you feel. .
No one to swap with. Great idea if that is feasible.
I miss walking. Now I do an exercise bike. Not the same as being able to take a walk outside. I can walk on the weekend when husband is home but then all the neighbors are out and want to chat. Ends up not being exercise. It’s usually neighbors that are not my favorite people. The neighbors that everyone avoids.
Walking during the week is better for stress busting exercise because most of the neighbors are at work and I can take a brisk walk without interruption of chatty neighbors that I don’t care for.
Then I accepted and feel trapped. Just kind of weird. The range of emotions we go through.
Yes, I have sold jewelry too. I hope to get back to it one day.
Take some time to think of something you’d absolutely LOVE to do, then start researching it online until you can dip your toe into the water and take a baby step towards making your dream real.
I am an OLD WOMAN but once I got past THAT PART, I realized I was sleeping better, breathing better, and smiling more when I was playing. Now I practice once or twice a day, without fail.
You can do this! DREAM YOUR DREAM, THEN RESEARCH YOUR DREAM, THEN LIVE YOUR DREAM!
Your story just made me smile. And is right up there with Katie and her RV travels.
Your story is not just uplifting but truly inspirational. May I ask you why the tuba? Just curious. Hey, I love it. I live in New Orleans and we are known for our brass bands. Come down here and jam!
You story was delightful to read. Thanks so much for sharing that with me.
You must have the patience of a saint! Haha, she kicks you! Sounds funny but I don’t know if I could handle that. No offense against your aunt. I realize disease and illness brought on by age can wreck havoc in our lives. How old is your aunt? Mom is 93.
Yes. I am going to have to make some changes.
Yeah, I am due to see my doctor soon and I will address it. I am drained.
I learned to play the clarinet, and majored in voice in college, then left music education and became a therapist, planning to begin playing when I retired.
By then, I had arthritis in two fingers, so no clarinet.
My FABULOUS grandson LOVES music too, and he led me back to my dream instrument. Life sure can be a trip!
Have to tell you that every response you write lifts my spirits and makes me smile. It’s people like you that bring me hope.
Music has gotten me through many tough times. Really beautiful way to communicate, isn’t it? The belief of music being a universal language is exactly right. 😊
I am longing to know - what do you think does constitute a "caregiver per se"?
Yes, you do count! Bless you for your kindnesses.
now I have joined a knitting group for one hour per week and an anything goes craft group that meets once a month. I have also started swimming 4times a week for at least half hour. It’s exercises all your body and it’s a quiet and solitary pursuit. Clears your mind
there is also an over 50’s group (I am 61) that meets once a month and we just blab.
Go to your place cal churches and councils to see what’s out there
I agree but my mom’s ability to move about has declined so much. Not wheelchair bound but she definitely moves at a snail’s pace with her walker.
She has even expressed that she wants to be in a wheelchair. The doctors, primary and neurologist have said no and explained to her that she doesn’t need a wheelchair at this point. So very sad to see her even desire a wheelchair instead of her walker.
talk to your doctor
get someone to come to your home when you want to go and do your thing (s)
if if your mother doesn’t like it tell her you need to do it. End of story
also couldn’t your husband watch your mum while you go out
AND I don’t understand why you just can’t sit on your porch. If you don’t hear your mother for a bit what would happen?
My mom is either afraid or can be a nag. I am tired of trying to figure it out. Too exhausted to sort through it. Easier to give up.
Whenever I have gone outside on patio she will notice I am gone and open the door and tell me that I should be where I can hear her or if she sees me coming inside I hear an insult like, good thing I didn’t need you or tell me about any little thing she immediately needed me for and if I say to her it isn’t an emergency, she has a million reasons why it’s important. Trust me, it’s usually something like filling a glass of water and she has two full glasses near her. She has this thing of having 3 full glasses at all times! Drives me nuts.
Even went to meet the activities director in one of the facilities. She was wonderful and like a granddaughter to those residents. Maybe one day it will be possible for mom to go to a nice place. They are costly. The nursing homes are not good here. It’s sad. I don’t have expectations of a 5 star hotel. I am realistic but the care is not good. Charges brought up with some, neglect and abuse. Food is horrendous.
Lots of theft. My godmother would be sitting naked with a blanket on her. They couldn’t find her clothes after laundry day. Then they put any clothes they found on her, that didn’t even fit her. She lost so much weight and wasn’t big to begin with.
I think it would be hard to work in those places, depressing. After seeing my dad in the hospital I would go see my godmother in the NH. She had ALZ and didn’t recognize me after awhile, or my mom or cousins. She didn’t know any of us anymore. I hope I never get that dreadful disease. I’d rather be dead.
Homes are rated poorly here, just like the public school system here. I attended private schools. So sad. There are a few schools that have improved and just have to hope it will improve in the future.
I empathize - my Mum is also 93 and totally helpless now - can't even raise a cup to drink so I have to do it for her and use a straw - means I have to remember to ensure she drinks at regular intervals because she can't ask me when she feels thirsty. My life is regulated by the alarm on my phone which reminds me to do things all through the day. Totally draining and means I can't really concentrate on things I enjoy, because I know I'm going to be interrupted. Even sitting down to pay the monthly bills requires a huge effort because I just really don't want to be bothered any more - but it's got to be done...
One useful thing I found when she was still active and liable to fall or need the commode, was a fairly basic baby monitor, which allowed me to be elsewhere in the house or garden but still able to hear her and speak to her through the monitor. (Can't do that now - I need to be with her at all times in case she swallows the wrong way and chokes, or has a fit - sigh.)
Something that helps now, especially when I'm cleaning and changing her in the mornings and getting her changed and settled in bed at night - which takes around an hour each time - is to listen to a radio play via the Internet. I'm English, so love to hear BBC radio drama - crime, supernatural, comedy etc. There is a wealth of programmes available on Youtube (just search for radio drama), and on the Internet Archive if you can learn to dig your way through it to find what interests you. Listening to a 45 minute play is much easier than trying to watch TV, or just working in silence with depressing thoughts, while you're occupied in nursing care or housework. Mum does sometimes try to sing to me while I'm listening, which can be rather trying (especially when she sings the same thing over and over again - Nelly the Elephant is a current favourite!) but I try to be pleased that she is actually doing something of her own volition - after all, I can always listen to the play again while she is sleeping.
My sanity has been saved (well, almost!) by having a carer in for one afternoon a week - allows me to skive off to the nearest hotel for a well-deserved glass of wine and just to people-watch for a while. Mum wasn't happy at first and said she didn't need to be watched over (Ha!), but I told her it wasn't for her but for me, so that I could completely relax for a while without worrying, and come back refreshed and less likely to have a meltdown. She accepted that, and we now have a trusted regular carer who chats to her, feeds her lunch, watches TV with her and generally gives her a much-needed break from me, too!
I've read the other answers and there's tons of good advice - making plans for the future is another good ploy if you can get over the odd guilty feelings. Hope you are feeling somewhat better knowing there are so many of us thinking of you and cheering you on. Do take care of yourself first, as only then are you able to take care of others - and now I'll just start taking my own advice!
I remember seeing a special on television where two senior citizen women worked with a homeless outreach program at church. Oh my gosh, they were tricking the homeless to sign life insurance documentation and then murdering them to collect. They became millionaires. They looked like sweet little grannies. Was crazy! They did it for quite awhile before being caught. Those poor homeless people helped by those sweet, little old church ladies!