Hi, my in-laws live with my family for the past 12+ years. Mother in law has been disabled since 2009, we are an Indian household. I as a daughter in law have taken care of them pretty well, working part-time, dealing with their medical consults and other appointments myself. I have 2 sons. Since 2021 father in law has started acting vulgar. First was verbal, now it is actions. His logical mind knows the difference between a daughter and daughter in law. Having no blood relation makes it okay was his explanation when I told he should not do it. Even though I try to convince myself it's his dementia I can't help hating him. I still take care of everything at home but I can't get rid of the contempt I feel for him. Advise please
FIL's physician should be told so that they can medicate him appropriately.
You need to discuss your FIL's behavior with his Parkinson's team asap.
At one stage he was obsessed with pornography it is the medication
You must review his meds it's one pill in particular...but can't remember the name of it.
They will change it.
The man needs medication for ISB. And she needs to quit being his caregiver. Why is it that men always have some half-arsed excuse for why it's pretty much OKAY for other men to sexually abuse women??? It's not okay. Period.
Your emotional and physical well being are being highly compromised.
It is time that other options for FIL care be considered and placement process begin.
Get his doctor involved and ask for referrals to assist placement in a facility for the FIL. This will not be easy, but your well being as well as your MIL and your family are at stake here.
Loving and caring does not include abuse . Get social services involved if necessary. If he becomes physically combative or aggressive ( sexual advances can be considered aggressive and combative) call 911 and have him transported to ER; from there, refuse to let them send him back to your home; clearly explaining to them what is happening. The social services in ER can begin the process to help you place him in an appropriate facility.
If finances are issue, get the social worker to begin Medicaid process and Medicaid placement.
Second, there are unanswered questions: 1) How old are your sons? Are they young enough to be at risk, or old enough to be present when you're caring for your FIL, and be able to defend you?
2) Where does your husband figure into this? He should be your first defender against his father.
3) Have his actions escalated to where it would be considered sexual assault? Disabilities do not trump criminal law. Would your FIL understand a threat from you that you will call the police if he assaults you, and that you'll be recording all encounters with him?
I hope you're able to find a safe solution.
After that time, it has been less, and she is deliberately loud (not sure she can help it, and bless her, and I'm glad) when it happens. Getting him soft toys to hold while watching TV, being sure his stuffed animals he loves and talks to are close, letting him go in the office and close the door (porn time) have also helped the situation. Sometimes my caregiver's husband is in the next room and sometimes my mother hears. It is awful and he is remorseful when the brain wakes up with the slap. I would not subject a nursing care home with his known behavior. He was in one for awhile when he couldn't get out of bed on his own and later I got the notion he was ignored because his behavior could be inappropriate. They said nothing and I wish they had taken be aside...but I understand why they didn't.
my hubby had stroke too. His bad sexual behavior is only with me. I just had a hysterectomy and mom came over to help and would spend the night. We were kinda limited on sleeping arrangements and no way could I share bed with hubby cause I was in too much pain. I already knew what would happen but I jokingly said mom and hubby could share the queen sized bed while I took the couch. Both at same time yelled “no”!! It was too funny. Mom took couch, hubby got air camping mattress and dog and I got the queen soft mattress!
Or unfortnately, lock his room door so he is around others in only supervised situations. I do not understand statement "... we are an Indian household." Does this mean indigenous or India - and how does your culture compound your situation?
Hating him is frustration and a displaced emotion. Understand that you feel trapped and perhaps embarrassed and angry - all of this, resulting in how you associate / attribute 'hate feelings' towards him. The more you can understand him and the more solutions / behaviors (of family, whoever has the POA) makes changes, you will not 'hate him,' you will feel deep compassion, realizing that how you 'feel' towards others affecting you 99.9% of the time, not the other person.
Perhaps consider therapy for yourself or at least a support group. You and how you feel is not unique to you. Getting in a support group may help you understand and process your feelings differently - in ways that support you and the family dynamic. Gena / Touch Matters
Suggest you make a "family" appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist so that everyone can get on the same page. It might be a safety issue for you, so you need to move out or get the family on board with getting him placed in Memory Care.
An Elder Law Attorney would be able to help you figure out the options and how to finance them. You do not have to accept abuse from anyone, please take care of YOU.
I agree if DIL can’t keep FIL in line and dealing with him is harming her she should be replaced. She shouldn’t be with this abuse. Is there an adult male family member to help?
Then I would slap his hand hard enough that he knows you mean it. Every time he says are does anything vulgar and predatory it should be dealt with swiftly and harshly. If people don't like that, let them take his perverted self to their homes and deal with him.
Shame on your husband for not protecting you from this thing that use to be his dad.
I'm married to an East Indian man. I'm caucasian in case anyone is wondering. One of the very first times I met my future F I L he made inappropriate comments to me. He was only in his sixties at the time and his faculties were still intact as far as I know. I've also caught him checking out my butt on occasion. This has nothing to with any disease of the mind or body.
I hope it is your F I L's dementia that is the reason behind this and he is not just hiding behind that to get away with something. I also hope your husband takes this seriously enough to do something about it. There is not any scenario where this is okay. If respecting the cultural traditions of taking care of F I L is something you feel is important then by all means continue but only if this behavior stops.
At a minimum, discuss with your husband both him talking to FIL and you talking to MIL.
And if FIL touches you inappropriately, hit his hand HARD with the side of your own hand. Hard enough to hurt. Be prepared to explain if he calls out for help. He may say it was a mistake, but it makes things very clear to him.
My only addition is that you are in the U.S.. If your family lives here, it's time to abandon the harmful cultural traditions of India. Does your H do anything to take care of his father? Has he witnessed fil's inappropriate behavior? When you tell him about it (which I assume you do), what does he say?
Lula65 has a very good point. "Your husband is duty bound to uphold your honor and to avert his father acting in universally culturally inappropriate ways."
Insert this into the discussion -- your honor!
And please don't tell us that your H doesn't believe you if you've told him about his father's inappropriate behavior.
Why would anyone tell another to "abandon the harmful cultural traditions of India" or of any other culture, bar the female oppressive ones as used to murder women's freedom in some of the Middle Eastern radicalized regions?
Perhaps studying the true Hindi traditions would allow you to see the beauty and honor of this and other world cultural practices.
Enough said.
If your husband is reluctant to see what is happening - he might well be, since the actions aren't bothering him - then remind your husband that he has a duty to protect his father's dignity and these actions are making his father contemptible.
Sexually inappropriate behaviour can happen with Parkinson's Disease, Dementia, Stroke, many brain diseases or acquired brain injuries.
Warning: This behaviour can be directed at children too. I don't know the ages of your children but having a frank (age appropriate) discussion about FIL's brain problem & what behaviour 'is not ok' & what to do may be needed too. Regardless of lack of intent from the elder, this behaviour can cause mental scars on children.
Speak to both your Husband & your FIL's Doctor. It may well be time for FIL to live elsewhere.
Your husband is duty bound to uphold your honor and to avert his father acting in universally culturally inappropriate ways. There should be no barrier to getting your FIL (who suffers from a broken brain) placed in managed care if medication will not completely stop his behaviors. Your MIL must be mortified too, leaving your husband with 2 women whose honor and modesty he must uphold. and 2 sons who will be learning from observing the manner in which he handles this.
Stop providing any personal cares for your FIL and insist on immediate action to either medicate him out of these horrible behaviors or have him placed. In the interim, have aids come in for his care and provide them with full disclosure; some may not feel able to handle this type of patient.
Although your feelings are fully justified and as understandable as they may be lasting, you may one day, be able to forgive his deeply violating words and deeds.
Please do not expose yourself further and in case any extended family is in disbelief, try to film what you may be yet exposed to, until this resolves.
I'm so very sorry that you've had to experience this not very rare manifestation of dementia. Forgive his behaviors to the extent that you can, once this is in the past.
Look to your traditions to carry you forward with grace.
If this were me, I'd refuse to care for the man any longer and insist he be placed in managed care b/c it's obviously time for such an action to be taken. Once a certain line is crossed, then it's time for managed care, in my opinion. We all have things we can't tolerate when it comes to caregiving; for some it's changing soiled briefs, for others it's inappropriate sexual actions. No woman should EVER have to tolerate such a thing, especially not from a family member.
What does your husband have to say about all of this?
Best of luck getting the man medicated in hopes of having him stop the vulgar behavior.