How do we tell my cranky Father (87) that we are moving out of state?
He will not consider assisted living. I have suffered two rounds of cancer and my husband has had a massive heart attack in the last 2 years. We are only 50 years old. Our last child just left for college and we would like to have something that resembles a life. We have spent the last 10 years taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer's along with my father who has repeated episodes ending up in the emergency room excetera. We did not sign up for this. My father has been paying for long term care insurance for 25 years yet he refuses to consider assisted living. He insists he doesn't need any help not realizing we have been doing everything for him at the expense of our owm lives for years now. He has crashed his car twice in the last month. This man needs help and we are going to get out and save ourselves. Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news to him? this is a man who lives in California where there is a frighteni, he is the only person in the neighborhood whos half acre lawn is is emerald he called asked if his remote control stops working everything is an emergency and he expects my husband to come running please help.
In any case, you did not sign up for everlasting caregiver duty. You are certainly entitled to move away. Since your father has the resources available for other help, feel free to leave whether he allows you to help him make other arrangements or not.
I guess I'd just try plain English. "Dad, Hubby and I are moving out of state as soon as we finalize some details. It will probably be shortly after the first of the year. We are both going to be very busy until then, but if there are some things you'd like us to help arrange for you, we'll make the time to do it."
Cut back on the help you provide, to get him used to doing without you, and (maybe?) perhaps help him realize that he does need some help. I would not nag or plead or coax him about assisted living. You've talked about it before. He has the insurance. Let him figure it out, until he asks.
I would contact his doctor with a note saying Dad has been relying on you more than he admits even to himself, and that you are leaving the state soon.
You are only 50 years old. You deserve to enjoy your empty nest and live your lives in a way that pleases you.
Some facilities have free lunches for visitors to help introduce them to the place. That is one way to get your Dad to look at the place. Heavens, he might even see someone he knows from the past living there :)
As Jeanne above had mentioned, cut back on what you do to help him. Teach him to identify the appliances around the house and what they are for... and how to use each one. Let him do his own laundry, vacuum his own rugs, clean his own bathroom [ok, maybe that won't happen], and how to fix his own sandwich.
Best wishes!
I'm interested to know what your father thinks he's paid all those long term care insurance premiums for?
It's going to be a miserable conversation for you to embark on; but the fact is that you and your husband do not require your father's permission to make and pursue your own plans. And I suspect that your father is 'refusing to consider' AL because he thinks, correctly until now, that he can refuse. That is about to change.
Do the spade work: gather the information that your father will need about his options. Find out about waiting lists, timescales and so on. Make contact with services in his area, so that you can start him off on a good footing with named individuals. Then once you know what the choices are, he will be free to pick the one he most likes the look of (which can always be adapted, nothing is set in stone and he has nothing to fear) - and you and your husband will be free to relax in your empty nest, wherever you choose to make it.
On the other hand. If your father is 87 and you have reason to know that he is not likely to last as long as one might hope, absenting yourself completely at this point could be premature. You still shouldn't carry on with the status quo, because there are home truths for your father to face about the level of support he needs in daily life, and serious questions to ask about who should be providing it - not to mention who's paying. In that case, you might want to think about a half-way house, backing off from the hands-on caregiving but not missing out on his remaining time with you. Because that bit you won't be able to do later on.
I am praying that my mother doesn't last a lot longer, She's miserable, she can hardly move, nobody visits her without me calling and guilting them into it....yes, she's cared for, but so lonely-- but she dug this pit. I was screamed at, had things thrown at me, told I was fat, dumb, stupid, a waste of space, too "expensive", worthless, the cause of all her problems--deal with THAT for 20 years and beyond and you get a tad callused. Whoa.....kinda went off topic. Basically, if my mother was holding me back from living my life at this point in my life.... wouldn't give her that much control.
He's had two car accident in the last few months.......I would look closely at how he really is faring. It's quite common for people who need the assistance to resist it the most.
Unfortunately, if it isn't bad enough to be seen by his doctor, you may have to just leave, with proper notice of course, and wait for a crisis on his part. I think it's fair to expect another car accident, if he's still driving. I would strongly encourage an evaluation and one of his driving ability.
Another option is to hire someone to go into the home to help him.