How do we tell my cranky Father (87) that we are moving out of state?
He will not consider assisted living. I have suffered two rounds of cancer and my husband has had a massive heart attack in the last 2 years. We are only 50 years old. Our last child just left for college and we would like to have something that resembles a life. We have spent the last 10 years taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer's along with my father who has repeated episodes ending up in the emergency room excetera. We did not sign up for this. My father has been paying for long term care insurance for 25 years yet he refuses to consider assisted living. He insists he doesn't need any help not realizing we have been doing everything for him at the expense of our owm lives for years now. He has crashed his car twice in the last month. This man needs help and we are going to get out and save ourselves. Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news to him? this is a man who lives in California where there is a frighteni, he is the only person in the neighborhood whos half acre lawn is is emerald he called asked if his remote control stops working everything is an emergency and he expects my husband to come running please help.
My gma was a practical woman - as her abilities changed, she accepted it and changed her way of doing things. She got help where she needed it, did the things she could for herself. But somewhere along the line, my parents' generation decided that they wanted to make the decisions, ignore the needed changes from age and that we have been expected to make the changes instead to allow them the illusion of independence. Somehow, they are making decisions for all of us and we're not supposed to have input.
Then one day, we're older too and our health is changing and we're saying we can't make their choices possible for them.
I get really tired of this argument!
Think about it -- when you were born, you're totally dependent on others (you have no teeth, you need to be fed, cleaned, watched over, you're wearing diapers, your cranky, whiny, needy, unreasonable, defiant, don't know what's in your best interests, etc. Now your at the end of your life. You are needing to depend on others (you have no teeth, you need to be fed, cleaned, watched over, you're wearing diapers, your cranky, whiny, needy, unreasonable, defiant, don't know what's in your best interests, etc. Life has become a circle.
It's telling that the elderly are revered in other cultures but it seems as Americans, we're finding it an all to common "burden" to deal with the elderly, relegating them to the "forgotten" generation. There needs to be more compassion and empathy in this world.
Nolagal said it best, "there are ways to work things out and care for an elderly parent and still have a life."
In this situation the father has other ways to solve the problem which doesn't involve this couple being his caregiver. He is choosing not to use other options. Also, this father does NOT want to do what they suggest, and....unlike a two year old throwing a tantrum....you can't force him to do something or put him in "time-out" if he refuses.
Of course, the elderly are going to rebel. And why shouldn't they? No one wants to give up their independence. Heck, no one wants to get old. It's especially complicated when the elder is slowing down physically and mentally. You can "suggest" a driving evaluation program to them, but there's no guarantee they will take it. Unfortunately, that's the way the DMV works. When his license is up for renewal, all he has to do is sign the form and MAYBE take an eye test.
My own Mom had a driver's license all her life (always renewed it faithfully) but RARELY drove -- my Dad chauffered her everywhere. When he died 7 years ago, she really thought she was going to drive his car. At that point, she was 80 years old and hadn't got behind the wheel in 40 years. Driving a car is not like riding a bike. She quickly realized that her cognitive skills would not be even close to what she would need to properly operate a vehicle.
That said, taking the keys away from your Dad without giving him alternate options for transportation will make him more "cranky" and isolated, especially when you move away. I know what I've said is counterintuitive. My 89-year old mother-in-law did this gradually. First she said, "I don't like to drive at night". Then, "I don't like to drive anymore. People just drive too fast." Then boom -- my 83-year old father-in-law now drives her everywhere (he's a pretty good driver still). It's when cognition really declines (from age-related dementia or other physical ailments) and they turn really cranky, that they are now not acting rationally. Again, family members MUST step in. Unfortunately, so many children (aka MY siblings) don't want to get involved and they leave all caregiving aspects of Mom or Dad to one sibling. Then that one caregiver becomes the "bad guy". Sad, but true.
Do you have any siblings? If not, I would suggest you make a day to go over to Dad's house (with your husband as a united front) and have a "come to Jesus" talk with him. Remain calm and matter-of-fact with your plans to move out of state. Tell him that your plans are to relocate as of such and such date and you need to know what arrangements you can assist him with before this date. As with any other cranky elder, he will NOT be happy with you. Tell him you will not be available to re-program the remote from 1,000 miles away. Discuss the fact that he's paid for long term care (LTC) insurance for 25 years and it's time to set that train in motion. People this age HATE to waste money. Approach it from the practical -- he's paid a LOT of premiums and he now deserves to use the LTC he's scrimped and paid for all these years.
As cranky/mad as they get, for your piece of mind I would move heaven and earth to get him relocated to a safe environment. If he still refuses, you have two choices: (1) Stay where you are (don't move) and go on caregiving the way you have been, or (2) Decide that your and your husband's health are top priorities and move.
I can guarantee that if you move and your Dad is left to his own devices, he will somehow survive for a while but do expect "the call" (or calls) that he has fallen, had another car accident, isn't bathing, eating right, etc. etc. Anyone with a conscience does not want to leave their elderly parent to fend for themselves (especially when you know they are a danger to themselves and others (i.e. driving)). Your post sounds like you truly care about your Dad but know the toll it's taking on your health. So please make arrangements NOW to get him the help he will need. You know he's going to fight it. Perhaps go to several assisted living places and pick up brochures, arrange a "tour" for your Dad, talk with the admistrative people there. They can give you advice regarding "convincing" a parent to take the next steps in caring for themselves. Stress/guilt is a big physical factor when battling cancer and/or heart disease. You need to try to lesson both. At least if he is looked after, you will be able to rest easy. Do you have his neighbor's phone numbers? Do they have yours? Can they look in on him?
This is a tough situation. Every elderly person I know wants to live at home until they die. Well, sometimes that's not possible for a variety of reasons. It takes a huge toll on their caregivers. I don't know what the answer is. I'm 56 and I know I will plan for MY elderly future. I don't want my children to give up their middle age or their health to suffer taking care of me.
Your Dad is 87. He's of the "greatest generation" whereby they insist that they don't need help, won't talk about "feelings", and just get by to get by. This is how they were raised. Consequently, when push comes to shove, YOU have to become the parent when they start acting irrationally. My Mom is 86 years old and has become like a 4-year old in many ways -- refusing to listen to reason, taking risks (like walking down the basement stairs backwards because it's "safer" in her mind -- ugh), not recognizing unsafe/stale food, not recognizing that strangers who come to the door aren't her "friends", etc. It's maddening. But it's up to us children to take charge now. Again, it's not easy -- it's oh so hard. We can rise to the challenge or not. I have taken on that challenge because my do-nothing older siblings will not and I cannot, in good conscience, leave her to fend for herself. Has my mental/physical health suffered? You bet it has. I have battled the Big "C" myself. But I do it because I love my Mom and no one else will step up to help me. Caregiving is hard -- VERY hard. But it's everyone's personal choice to either say yes or no.
If you've had enough in the last 10 years (and it sounds like you have), then just make the decision, tell Dad, and be done with it. Again, easier said than done. You are 50 years old and, God willing, you will see another 35-40 years. Your health should be your #1 priority. Dad may only have another 5 years (depending on his current health). But again, for your mental/physical sake, I would try REALLY hard to get him situated somewhere safe or arrange for outside help for him BEFORE you make your move out of state or you will feel the pangs of stress/guilt all the more. Stress does a whole lot of physical damage to the body. Good luck and let us know how your doing.
If you are moving because you have an opportunity to settle somewhere youve always wanted to live, then yes, all of the above answers tell you how. (Won't dignify that Scott fellow with an answer).
However, if you are putting distance between you and dad just to escape HIM, your plan will backfire. Far better to learn to set boundaries while you're in place. "No dad, i can't come over to fix the remote. If you lived in Independent Living, there would be staff to help. We're not available till next week". You have to mean it.
Elders can be lulled into thinking that they are "independent " because their children are running themselves ragged. What if the "kids" die? The senior finds out too late that their independence was an illusion.
The hardest words i ever said were "mom, i can't do this anymore"...responding to her imagined emergencies. It's not easy. But it is, as Bob says, simple.
Then tell dad straight out that you and your husband are going to move to Timbuktoo on such and such a date. Add that the good news is there is a good source for help "if" he needs it and leave him their contact data. Such help could include cleaning the house, cooking, running errands, doing his grocery shopping, arranging for nearby restaurants to bring in food for dinner, and so on and so on.
Contact a reputable landscaping company and arrange for yard care "if" he needs it.
The "How?" part of your question is an emotional one. It is simple to do, but not easy. You simply have to do it and move on. I would not tell him very far in advance....A week or two notice would be best. That way it's over and done with. After you move, daily phone calls from you would be in odrer....Also it would be smart to not answer his calls once you move, but just call him at a certain time each day. You can choose to remain captives or not. That is under your control..
Yes, there can and will be emergencies. He is elderly.. Like all of mankind, he will fall very ill/die possibly in the near future, but you can bet the house that it won't be in 25 years, but sooner. You can choose to realize that and accept and embrace it. I am old myself (79) and not yet afflicted except that I am certifiably nuts as attested to by the fact that I own and regularly ride four motorcycles. My kids have given up preaching to me about the foolishness of this activity, but I just smile and thank them for their concern.
Grace + Peace,
bob
Even then if you do, there is often one child who is treated to all of the abuse and anger when their parent has problems. I can understand why that could be a problem for some. I took care of my mom for many years, marrying around in my late 30s, so I think mom thought I would be there forever. So, that is why the abuse was hurled on me until I told her I did not appreciate the fact that she treated me like a child, and I was almost 60! Things have improved since then, but I always keep my guard up. Also, I feel it is time for another sibling besides me and one other one to start stepping up and helping out. Sometimes, your husband and family will find that they are being taken for granted. So, think about yourself and your husband also.