I know that's THE 'BIGGIE'! When things are going well (a small part of the time) she"ll hugs me and say,
"thanks for putting up with me - I love you so much - please don't ever leave me anywhere!" My heart feels shredded inside & I just want to cry my eyes out, and of course I don't know what to say, but I'm starting to feel like it's that same heart that's trying to do the impossible, while my head is trying to say "wake up girl! You know you're not really capable of doing this!" Maybe I'm in denial about whether I really can or not. I just feel like I can't break the promise I made her - her dementia may be difficult, but she's still my mama! I don't have any emotional, etc. support whatsoever from my two grown male (selfish) siblings, and they are all who's left alive now in our family. But I have reached out to some agencies like COA, etc., who've certainly been somewhat helpful, but somehow that just seem to be enough anymore. This feels like a point that so many must get to..... and how do you make that decision without a tsunami of guilt?
It was worth the money to see the happiness it gave her. She thinks I took the money from her savings, which is good because she feels less dependent on me.
It's o.k. to think about what YOU need.
Like that'll ever happen!
But seriously, it sounds like she is and has been a pretty good mother, and will at least partially understand. Do research on where the best place is, and mention it to her casually. "Sue at church but her mother into Sunny Shores Home, and guess what activities they have." Let her know in small bits how the care is hard on you. Assure her that you love her and won't abandon her, but that you can't care for her safely any more.
It's when I read something like this that I'm glad my mother dropped dead at eighty, and that my father spent exactly 8 days in a nursing home. What a hard job.