How to tell mom/MIL that she MUST move out of our home and into a low income apartment near by?
She is 72 and in generally good health. I'm seeking help for my neighbor(s). Her mother was recently widowed and brokenhearted...invited to come live with daughter,sil, twin 10yr old boys...It is not working out at all!
The only solution to save the relationship is for MIL to move to local senior apartments near by. But, MIL doesn't want to live alone. This is really tough. Any suggestions? MIL thinks she is unable to live alone due to one little medical issue after another.
The daughter (mid-40's) came to talk to me about this earlier today. And, I said "I told you so" with a smile.
Now she wants to know how to tell Mom that she just must move?
Any suggestions?
She moved from Fla. to Seattle area. I've been friends with daughter's family for over 15 years and know the family dynamics there. also, have introduced MIL/Mom to our local community church w/their grief counselling group as well as Sunday morning services. And exercise group at senior community center 3 x a week, just across the street from the apartments where she could live...
If daughter and sil tell Mom/MIL that she should move because she will be happier...I don't think that will work as she will come up with excuses or try to deny any problems.
God bless you, and yours -- Ayerish Lass, too : )
Hey girl, I'm a Quaker...Peace and Non-violence. so Hell NO, do not put up with any violence in your home.
Thank you Bonnie for your thoughts! I still have not heard back from my friend -the sister. I hear you about friend's being rare but my first friend was really making it hard on her sister for friending me and I did not want to hurt her-the sister. But I get so mad when I think about it because ---oh, cr*p--- I have to let it go!! What is done is done. If sister friend wants to continue wiht our friendship I will be thrilled but if not , well, what can I do. I do not want to get in between two sisters.
I saw your post from before about your dear friend and drinking. I remember now. That is a tough one. I did not read the new responses yet, I will go there next ( my daughter banished me from her side to play with her sticker books -- I come on the forum when I am banished! Haha but soon I will have to bathe her and get her ready for bed).
I am kind of glad to hear that you got a little put out when asked to take E out. I would hate for you to be taken advantage of. But it sounds like you know what you are doing and a smart cookie :0) any more segments to the story? Please tell. I really am interested. I will tell you why I am so interested, I think. Because you are a rarity!!! You actually get involved in your neighbors' lives and reach out and that is rare. I do too, to be honest. Not to pat myself on the back I just do. I think it is because I am a stay at home Mom and have the time to. So many people at busy and just don't. But, see, I said this to Capnhardass - all my neighbors see me struggle with my daughter and here needs and they all say things like how hard it must be and how grateful they are that their kids aree normal ( no kidding!!!- my one guy neighbor said this to me!! But he is really quite a red neck and I really think his intentions were good so I let it slide. Well, I told him that my daughter may be difficult and all but that she is the love of my life and I wouldn't trade her for anything or anyone!!!) but they see us struggle l they see her wanting to play wiht their "normal"kids and my husband and I literally begging the kids to just play Simon Says with her for a few minutes -yes, she is demanding and wants to always be Simon but we stay by her and help her make good decisions ,--they hear her screams at night and her wailing. But do they EVER offer to help? ( well, that isn't true-our one nieghbors have but only after we got a pool - that sounds,horrible-- they aren't bad people -they just strted to swim at our house -their kids -and so the pool kinda of drew them to us and they offered to help --sorta--- actually -you know they say they want to help but they constantly try and tell my daughter to leave their boys alone--in the pool. I feel like saying if you do not want our daughter to play with your kids GET OUT OF OUR POOL!!! Oh my , i digressed . Sorry.) but the rest of the neighbors-- and we have a lot- nope nada. But then I see you on here and I just know you would offer to help and it gives me hope in humanity!!! Hearing how you go out of your way to help your neighbors , I think, is awesome. I worry you may get hurt but I love that you are so caring!!!! So kudos to you, my new friend !! ((((hugs)))))
"Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me"
A favorite hymn.
How are you doing?
Absolutely stay friends with any person regardless of race, gender or sibling status that you want to have friendly relations.
Embrace the "new best friend" and be thankful. Friendship is so precious and very important. You allowed the friends into your life and heart...one hurt you and one hasn't. Who do you want to call at night or in the morning to talk about the day? That is the best friend.
hugs, new friend,
My own tale continues rather sadly--, my dear friend who you remind me of is actually the sister of my once best friend in the whole world growing up. Her sister, my now friend, was a few years older than me and way too cool back then to be her little sister's friend. I say once because we are no longer friends. It is really heart wrenching to say tht but it is true. Unlike her sister my old best friend grew up to be very mean. She has had a lot of physical illnesses - some of her own auto immune issues but not the same as her Mom -more like Lupus and for years I tired to stay her friend because of her issues ( and herr Mom's quite frqnkly who was sick for years and years) but she just became so mean and nasty to me. She really hated that I got married. And she tried to turn my husband against me. She really did. I even forgave her that. I even forgave her when she tried to call my husband and get him to meet her in our home town for what she said were "business meetings". She would call his work and tell his boss that she wanted to meet with him to discuss possible business deals. My husband told his boss she was full of it and she never did get to have her dinners with him. She has a history of taking my boyfriends from me. I did not find this out until years later when a few of them told me how she would call them and tell them I was a b***ch and she told one I was not interested in him. They both ended up dating her!! I was not in love with either of them and I so cared for her that I let this go-but when I found out she actually manipulated behind my back I was much more hurt but I still forgave her!!! I struggled with my feelings for her for years. We're so close until , I would say my senior year in high school. But from then until just recently I tried so hard to make our friendship work. And then her parents got so very very sick and I knew I could not abandon her. During this time her sister and I had strted to talk more and develop are own friendship. Her parents passed away and she became all the more hateful. I felt terribly sorry for her. She was alone, -she dated but always seemed to hate her boyfriend and broke up with them and then got back together and then broke up and then back together -- she moved. She was miserable and she hated anyone who wasn't. But I tried so hard to stay friend's because I had such a hard time letting go and because I felt so bad for her. But it finally got too much to bear and I told her I was done. I told her that she would forever have a place in my heart but that I think we just no longer work as friends. But, see, the thing is during all this time her sister and I became very close. She lives right by my parents so when we visit my Mom and Dad she and her family are right there. Her kids are sweet to my girl and my girl loves them all. But my old best friend, her sister, is furious at our relationship. So just a few days ago the older sister - the one who is now my friend- emailed me to chat and I told her that I felt bad about being her friend and causing contention between her and her sister and I did not know if we should stay friends. I told her it was up to her and her sister but I have yet to hear back. HOW IS THAT FOR DRAMA? It breaks my heart to think I could lose my friend but I cannot allow my old friend back into my life. She just got waaaay to toxic. Any thoughts. Anyone?
As The World Turns right here on AgingCare.
Etty Hillesum
An Interrupted Life I copied this from a facebook post tonight that helped me in the midst of another hideous episode with my husband and his horrible mother.
I first found this site because of being concerned about two friends, one former neighbor who has Parkinson's and was having a knee replacement way down in NC...and I was concerned about how she was going to be when she got home. Her husband is quite the martyr so I was looking for some help. She lived in the house that had the property line dispute with K a year ago.
The other cause for my research was my friend Linda. Like you, Linda's parents were second parents to us 5 kids. Linda is an only child. I was 3 when Linda was born, a few months after my third brother was born...I went to Linda's parents and asked if they would give me Linda and I'd give them my brother Clark because I wanted a sister! (12 years later my only sister was born).
My concern for Linda prompted this question. Can alcohol produce dementia symptoms? I was most worried that Linda was drinking too much (I'm far from a prude or Teetotaler) as she kept changing her stories and was pretty confused at times. Her mother was widowed back in the 1970's and was diagnosed with some sort of dementia/mental health issue a couple of years ago. Every time I'd go back to visit my family, I'd often stay with Linda and husband at least a week. Linda's mother was in a lovely AL facility (Same one Sargent Shriver used). I went to visit with and without Linda. the staff got to know me so did some opening up. turned out Linda was not coming over to pay rent or bring needed items but thought that she had. so anyway, I was concerned for my 2nd Mom and for her daughter my very good friend Linda.
--
Bit more background. Our parents continued to live next door as they had from nearly honeymoon days and I'd be back "home" from college, etc. Then I married David W. who was in the Army.
Everything was wonderful until David was killed in Vietnam.
A very bruised and nearly broken Bonnie flew back to my parents open arms. Linda (still in college) stayed home that summer so she could be with me whenever I needed her. She loved music so she'd play piano and we'd sing at the oddest hours.
the Army assigned a Survivors Assistant Officer to me, and that was just wonderful. David was buried in Arlington National Cemetery in VA, just across the Potomac from my home in Bethesda, MD.
surprise, surprise...Linda married my Assistance Officer.
So, we are all rather bonded in wonderful ways. The bad thing is Linda's mom is not happy at the AL and Linda really complains about it costing so much. Linda and husband had one child who really separates herself from them because of the Wine drinking, but frankly, I've know this girl for years and she was a brat and still is. (get this, she went to a private school and thought that it was The Law that when she turned 16 her parents had to buy her a car!) Get my drift!
Back to the AL place with Mom2. She started to have more episodes and reasons to go to the hospital...she was going downhill. Last hospital trip I made a well-Mom2 call and found out that Linda's husband had said he was having her tested for Early On-set Dementia and that he would be taking over the care for Mom2.
Wouldn't you think the husband would turn to me for some support and help? No, he is very private and asks for no help. I can't even get him to talk with me on the phone. So I sent info on VA's Aid and Assistance program for Mom2 as her husband was WWII veteran.
So, that's where we are right now. I've been more worried about my own mother and her broken hip than figuring out if Linda has dementia or just too much wine that has hit her. she was hospitalized for a week a few months ago being dehydrated and hallucinations galore. (note here: she told me her mom was there during the day just in case she needed her)
I'm more convienced than ever that Linda does have something wrong as she sounds normal but then says something really off the wall. For example, her mother moved from the AL place in January to a rehab/nursing home. I was on the phone daily. Just yesterday, Linda said...Oh Bon, did I tell you mom moved? bon: You mean she moved again? L: Well, she moved last week from Byron House and is now at a different place.
So you see, she just isn't operating with a full 6 pack.
Maybe it's my general sense of compassion that leads me on paths that do include taking someone's hand when they need it. While taking E to the apartments today, I reminded her my friend Lois lived there years ago (even ran into one of Lois's buddies today who welcomed E so warmly). And yes, I did a great deal for Lois as I really loved her. I also learned not to be "on call" so much.
I am a very busy person. I also do CASA work (Court Appointed Special Advocate) for family law, meaning I'm a volunteer that the court appoints to investigate matters relating to a child/ren best interest regarding such issues as guardianship, visitations, custody issues. It is good training for identifying the issues and finally making recommendations to the judge directly.
And I'm a member of the DAR and the Colonial Dames...both great groups for women. I'm on the Board of the WA Dames as well as committee chairman of membership. And active in scholarship programs for history teachers and such, as I vet applications from about 12 folks here in the state each year and make recommendations.
I was raised a Quaker and consider myself a Quaker still, but I do like the non-denominational church near by. That is where E. is taking her grief counseling. I have been urging her to attend Sunday services as so often having your faith "restored" is helpful with grief and loss. Nice to revert to the comfort of past sensations.
Now, my husband Dale is retired US Air Force. His first wife died in the early 1980's. They had 4 children. Youngest had seizures and developmental disabilities. He lived with us until his mid 20's when he 'graduated" to apartment life. He did very well but it was an adjustment. He had a lovely girlfriend and they were able to feel very much "independent". With close and constant care, he managed to live 10 years beyond the expectations. He died at 31 peacefully in his sleep with his dad right there.
I never had any children of my own but am a happy grandmother of 10. Great grandma to 5!
so, that's a long "brief history" of me. My main career work was in Voluntary Organizational Management, which is how I met Dale back in Boston.
we've been married since 1986.
That is all rambling on to let you see that I've been down the road of friends and neighbors who are in need at times. I've been pretty good at doing the best I am able and still maintain boundaries. (Oh, the kids in the court program can really break your heart!"
I see my role for E is to help encourage her to get excited about this fine apartment, help her look for furniture and decorate it!
Most importantly, get K and husband to sign on the application that they will kick in $XXX monthly. That's the very least they can do as they did most definitely invite E and told her NOT to bring her furniture, so on and so forth.
They can afford it and even if it were a pinch for awhile (until E gets a job, for example) they should take the hit. Hey, lots of men would pay more than a few hundred dollars a month to get their MIL moved out!
so that is my tale. My mom called to tell me she does not want me to come now but she is most in need of me coming later when she is through PT and is back to as normal as she will be after this broken hip business. She is an author and needs my help on one particular upcoming book which may take a couple months to get to the publisher. so, I'll do that.
I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to do anything Friday night as I'm due to be a judge at the state level of National History Day on Saturday morning at the college here.
And I am NOT going to let K off the hook about caring for her mom.
Oh, get this,...now K refers to her mother by first name (E) and said something about only wanting what is best for E and her family.........I let that pass as I wanted to get more help with the $$ so didn't want to irk K. but I felt like saying ...YOU are her family!
Hugs to you both. I hope you can see I'm fairly experienced in traversing these paths. And if I slip, I'll be asking for your "I told you so"!!! with a smile.
and yes, Mishka, I did feel a bit peeved that K and family were sending E off with me to "cheer her up". Blame me? I don't think so.
It was great reading your posts. You are both wonderful caring people. And sounds like you are fun, too!
Bonnie
E sounds like a wonderful person. She must have been disillusioned after arriving there. And now she's stressed out about being "kicked out" when it sounded like they were inviting her to live with them. She uprooted from her home/friends to come and finds out Not. So, I see her point of view also. And, Bonnie, just because Mishka and I keep warning you, we are not telling you Not to follow your heart. Just that you protect yourself and tread lightly. I think it's best that E does move out because she is cramping her daughter's life. This way, everyone is happy. I sure hope E finds a job to pay for the monthly cost.
Are you p.oed a bit at K for asking you to take E out so they can go out to eat? But at least she did say "our treat". Just curious.
Oh my, the fight over the property lines does not bode ( is that the right word?) well for predicting future outcomes, IMO. (It was with K and husband and neighbor , right? Not your daughter and husband? ( sometimes I gets confused ;0) ) -- and I must say I think people who talk a big game about the monies they have often are the very ones who don't have it. I am sorry but I am suspicious of K and her husband.
The apartment sounds lovely. You seem to have such a nice full life and seem so vivacious -- that alone would make ME want to live in those apartments!! ( instead of moving in with 6 cats!) To keep YOU close! I have a dear friend who just lights up the room and has a way of making you feel so special and she just has this gift of listening. She will lean in and really listen to you talk. From your posts you remind me of her. Unfortunately she lives about four hours away (neighbors to my parents-I grew up with her and her sister-she took care of her sick parents in the home she grew up in and now lives there with her family. Her parents passed away about 6 years ago-a month a part. We think the Dad was waiting for the Mom to die before he would let himself die. Mom had a terrible auto immune disease and Dad had cancer. I was there with them when they finally released Mom off the ventilator and then also when Dad died. He was at home with hospice. Actually when this all happened is when I realized something was going on with MY mom. I was there for my friends-- I came up without my husband and daughter - a week for each parent and stayed with her sister to help them with the passing of each parent. These were people who helped raise me. I was at their house as a child as much as I was at my own house. I loved them in their own right. Whenever I was in town visiting my parents my husband , daughter and I made a point of spending time with the Mom who was bedridden. I even sat with with her Mom for hours and sang to her when she was having horrible hallucinations. For some reason my singing calmed her down. Both of the sisters had to be somewhere and I just happened to be in town so I gladly sat with her until the other sister could get back. Anyway-- at this time my own Mom did not have any diagnosis and no one had any idea she may have any dementia--- this was when the Dad was dying at home-the Mom had passed a month earlier--- SO , I was at the house down from my parents sitting with my friends waiting with hospice and my Mom threw a fit. She wanted me to go to a shelter and look at this dog she wanted to adopt. ( I remember this like it was yesterday). I told her I could not -I was actually planning on going to help pick out cloths for the Dad later that day to wear at his funeral. I had stopped by her house to tell her this and that is when she freaked out at me. She just could not understand how I would choose to spend my time in town with my friends and not with her. I remember starring a her like, WTF?!? I explained that I would not even be in town if not for them. That I came in town to help them at their request -not to visit with her. She could not get it. I told her then that her thinking was messed up. That I thought she had something wrong with her brain. And I wasn't very nice about it , I am afraid. Shortly after tht she was diagnosed with AD. But now they think she does not have tht but maybe vascular dementia from some strokes she had that went unnoticed) MY GOODNESS- I don't know why I am telling you all this. I just wanted to say you reminded me of my friend and I end up telling you this long story !!! Sorry!! See, I do that with my friend. I just prattle on and on and she listens so well. I guess I am substituting her with you!! ;0)
So, back to K and E. The apartments sound lovely. I hope that E finds a good solution. You are kind to care.
Please keep us ( me :0) updated. Like I said I am enjoying your stories. Almost like a drama on TV! Though I do worry that you may get hurt throughout this process so ,again, please be careful!!
Happy day to you!
After exercise class this morning, we walked over to the senior apartments with one of our "classmates" and had a lovely tour. As far as apartments go, this is a very good deal as they have lovely gardens, big kitchen (where they do pot-lucks and birthday parties etc.) and a game room plus library. She met the manager who was really nice and remembered my friend Lois who used to live there.
Everyone was very friendly and that made E feel ever so much better. We talked about her options, including the possibility of moving into her daughter in Vt. (with a difficult child and 6 cats in the room in a tiny house) or her sister (again in VT.) who has a ADD daughter going through menopause living in the house, too. Neither one sounded good to her.
She took the application from the manager.
We talked about being independent and living with people who are interested and doing things...so I think she is seriously feeling better about it all.
Still don't know what contribution daughter and family will make.
E. told me they offered her some of their old furniture...phooey on that...
About a year ago daughter and husband had a great brouhaha over the lot boundary with our other neighbor (4 houses, 2 in front and 2 across the creek in back). It was a real mess and all kinds of monies were spent on lawyers. I remember SIL saying he could outspend on lawyers so was going to keep it all up...Anyway, that's the way he is.
Just had an email from daughter K who suggested E and I do something fun Friday night. "We were going to have a romantic outing ourselves but felt guilty so why don't you take E and have fun...our treat" The twins are at some camp.
I'm off to get a bone density scan. Thanks for you very helpful suggestions!
And no, this isn't going to turn into a neighborhood issue. E is really too alive and capable to be stuck in some unused bedroom. Just wish K and family didn't handle it the way they did.
Will let you know!
Bonnie
But, when we talked about it last week (daughter came for coffee to talk about this situation) and I said she and hubby would have to suck it up for her mom, she said they were considering some $$ help for while and offering to pay PART of the cost for Mom to move to VT to live with her sister (and let Auntie take on the responsibility). So I don't know how much rent they would kick in or for how long.
E could work on getting ready to go back to work, too. She has a great deal of work experience under her belt, albeit, from some years back. We are not in a high unemployment area so she could do some interesting things.
She just needs to believe she is going to be fine on her own.
Clearly, finances and loneliness are her major problems.
Sound familiar???
best to you all.
I would do what you had intended. Take her out, have a talk, and discuss the each options - the pros and cons. Her financial background. I think your friend is expecting you to do what She Is suppose to be doing...because you let your heart rule your actions. Be very careful Bonnie that you don't take on more than you can handle....If she chooses to stay, any possibility of finding a place that is safe but inexpensive? It all fall backs on how much $$ she has left (after she spent it on frivolous things that her daughter invited and she ended up paying for it and not daughter.) And if she found a job and is it enough for monthly cost of living.
You can ask your friend how does she think her mom will live on her own. Does her mom have enough money to support herself? How is she going to travel around? Maybe these questions will wake up your friend - maybe not. I'd be curious, too.
If they aren't offering to subsidize the rent at the apartments here, then I won't urge her to stay here as she would not be accepted by the mgmt.
K. said the talk went fairly well and that her mom did hold it together but was obviously upset. (Scared, I'd say)
She (E) will make her choice of where to live.
K also said she had not seen her mother yet this morning and asked if I'd call her to "cheer her up"
Geez.
No mention of the big problem, money! so I don't know if E is sitting there worried to death about how she is going to make any choice possible.
I feel so bad for her!
If her daughter (K) and husband do not offer some financial support, I'm not sure I can really stay friends with them or at least not as close as we were.
I'm actually ready to cry.
Bonnie
Before you talk to her, maybe sit down and do an outline. The title of your outline is the title of this discussion. Introduction - is what you stated just before my comment. Body - is all the reasons Why She Would Benefit if she Lived Independently. Below Reasons - use examples. Conclusion - everyone will be happy. And she won't have to spend soooo much money for extravagances, etc...but most importantly - Independence. I'm sure you can find a way to make independence sound much better than living next door.
I feel so sorry for her. When you take her to outings, make sure to make yourself difficult to find. It may force her to associate with others until you come back. Just as a child would cling so hard to your skirts in strange places, you will need to do the same with E. Hopefully when she gets comfortable with seeing the same people, and with you doing your disappearing act - she might make friends and not be so clingy to you.
And yes, Terrim, I have considered taking her in but don't see that as a good solution right now (my Mom is 94 and recovering from a broken hip so I'm rather "on call" and E. wouldn't want to stay with my husband alone in our house while I'm back in Maryland).
How about this as an example of the place E has in the family dynamic.
when planning the move from Fla to Seattle, K and family invited E to go to Hawaii w/them for the Spring school break. wonderful, E thinks!
Well, SIL, K and the two 10 yr old boys fly first class. E has to buy her own ticket and because they want her on the same flights, the ticket is over $1000 and in the rear of the plane.
As they then needed a larger car due to her extra luggage, she had to pay for the upgrade and extra gas in Hawaii.
that was just the beginning. they charged her for the larger condo (2 bedrooms) where she slept on the fold out couch. It goes on and on but I'll just end with the fact that not a single cup of coffee was given to her.
++++++++
and remember, she is panicing over money.
The family has also made summer plans which do not include her.
++++++++
I am most shocked at my friend K, the daughter. But what can I do except tell her "you have to suck it up and kick in $$ for your Mom's rent if you don't want her living at your home" after you invited her here.
++++++++++++
And, I would not want to live with that family! Although I did not know the depth of dislike on the part of the SIL, nor the insulting use/non-use of money for her comfort...I still didn't think living with them would be a good idea. Now I know for sure!
E has had so much loss as Terrim pointed out. I really feel for her. But as others have pointed out, it is not my decision for E to move but her daughter and family.
When I read about what others have done to provide care for their family members, it really makes me want to give all caregivers hugs. Particularly to those who don't want to do the job and/or to those who have no choice but to do the caregiving.
And Terrim, those twins are spoiled rotten. E's hopes that she'd be the grandmother that would be involved in their lives has turned disasterous. They are basically rude to her.
1 more example...SIL and daughter love live theatre. They "invited" E to go to see Les Miz or something at $100 a ticket. They bought the best seats for themselves and E was up in the cheap seats. I would NEVER do that to my mom or mil...on top of which, she had to pay for her ticket.
And these people are upper level income, over $300,000 a year.
Anyway, back to how do I help E with the news that she is being kicked out and encourage her in the new apartments?
Bonnie
And really, the daughter, K and I have been buddies for years and discussed this issue of her mom coming here long before the step-dad died. We live in a small 4 home cul de sac (well, not small as it is 6 acres) so we are well aquainted. And to be blunt, K's husband is a big baby and demands all of her attention or he mopes and whines. See, I knew Widow Mom would twerk the sil and K and I laughed about it a great deal. she was wondering which one to live with as she knew it would not work out as a family of 5. (she was actually considering divorce back then but now things are better between them as they are siding together against E.)
Anyway, the I told you so was not really in those words, it was more like listening to both K and her mom complain to me about how it just was not working out there. The senior apartments are easily less than 1/2 mile from here and beautiful, just a short and nice walk to the community center where all kinds of things go on all of the time. That is where we do the 3xs week exercise. So this morning, I asked if anyone in the class knew of folks living in the apartments...sure enough, one of the ladies said she did and would love to invite E over for coffee and a tour next Tuesday after class. Great!
E is engaging and fun to be with. However, K says they are getting more and more resentful at home. Ykes.
E thinks daughter just does what hubby says to keep him from being a pill and now says daughter (K) is grumpy and unhappy. These folks clearly need to live in separate quarters!
A problem...E doesn't have enough money coming in to qualify for these apartments. the one bedroom starts at $795. And the management is pretty strict about standards. This is independent living so it is very much like a regular apartment.
In talking with my friend, money came up as that is a hot topic for E..her Flordia house was "underwater" and she had to sell it way below what she owed, so it was a cut in her savings to pay off the Promisory Note.
What surprises me is friend and sil have a $1,000,000. house which is paid for, and he (the grouchy man) has a great full time job at a high tech company here. they really could afford to help E out fiancially.
The next odd thing is K has started talking about how her mom was really never "there for her" when she was young and now expects K to really take care of her! Well....my "core" was pretty tight as I thought how selfish and that surprised me. So again flat out said, you are going to have to suck it up and pay what you have to for your mom.
From what I learned from the other lady at the exercise class today, the son in law /daughter will have to sign on the lease for the amount of money needed for her to be accepted. These are the nearest apartments and by far the least expensive within our city boundaries.
When E first came here for a "trial visit" after her husband died, daughter and family were so encouraging for her to sell house and move here. And I know they really pushed her to decide. Well, she is here and it is not reasonable to think gosh, we aren't all that happy, blah blah blah...
One bit of good news, there are a few men at our exercise class and they asked after E today. (she is off on a scrapbooking weekend trip with daughter).
I'm so hoping she and Chuck get together.
and...at her own apartment!
Also, have been encouraging E to get a job and/or volunteer so she can start to build a new social circle. She's pretty, smart and well educated so easy to be around.
I've been her "friend" doing things like church, community center, drivers license, car tags, library...movies...things like that but I am ready for her to meet some additional folks to enjoy. However, she still seems to be clingy and needy. She finishes the Grief group next Tuesday night. All coming together here.
A specific time for the discussion on "Mom, you are moving out by June 1st" is Monday evening. Class is Tuesday morning. Any suggestions?
Needless to say, I will turn to you all for additional suggestions on how I can help her. It will be loads of tears and begging, K says. So sad!
Thanks so much, I really appreciate it all.
Bonnie
Has Friend checked into the subsidized housing sufficiently to know there is an apartment available or coming available soon? Around here the wait list approaches a year. That might make a difference in how this transition is handled.
How should she tell Mom? Well, English is always a good choice, unless they both are more comfortable in another language. Sorry if that sounded smart-ass, but I the a simple straight-forward approach might be best in this case. "This isn't working out. I don't the fact that we are crowded together here to ruin our relationship. I love you and want to continue to get along well with you. For that I think we each need our own space. We'll help you find something suitable that you can afford and that is close enough so we can help you out. But we each need our independence."
The Mom is relatively young here. She may live another couple of decades. It is best to start now to maximize the quality of that time. I'm sure that was what the first move was all about, but since that didn't work out, another attempt must be made.