She is 72 and in generally good health. I'm seeking help for my neighbor(s). Her mother was recently widowed and brokenhearted...invited to come live with daughter,sil, twin 10yr old boys...It is not working out at all!
The only solution to save the relationship is for MIL to move to local senior apartments near by. But, MIL doesn't want to live alone. This is really tough. Any suggestions? MIL thinks she is unable to live alone due to one little medical issue after another.
The daughter (mid-40's) came to talk to me about this earlier today. And, I said "I told you so" with a smile.
Now she wants to know how to tell Mom that she just must move?
Any suggestions?
She moved from Fla. to Seattle area. I've been friends with daughter's family for over 15 years and know the family dynamics there. also, have introduced MIL/Mom to our local community church w/their grief counselling group as well as Sunday morning services. And exercise group at senior community center 3 x a week, just across the street from the apartments where she could live...
If daughter and sil tell Mom/MIL that she should move because she will be happier...I don't think that will work as she will come up with excuses or try to deny any problems.
The thing that works for me and my family in many situations is to 'set the expectations'. What ever is happening that is good and not good, should be addressed. Your neighbor should list the things she wants to address and construct a conversation with MIL and her husband where they address those things.
Some of the MOST challenging and emotional things in my life have been addressed simply by approaching the situation by setting expectations. For example, at my son's encouragement, I approached my sister... who had for my entire life, been nasty. I told her that we were about to journey through a very emotional process and I am committed to being kind and loving. My sister immediately apologized to me for things that she has done, because her emotions go the best of her. I didn't even think she knew she acted badly and then she committed to being kind and loving. It's working.
Think about how the MIL must feel, even though we can't fathom it. She may be very scared. I for one have no idea what it must feel like to be alone at that age. Her behaviors may be based on huge fear and discomfort. With a clear discussion of the two settings, both the home and the independent living situation, perhaps the MIL could decide to step up, when given the clear chance to participate in the discussion.
Sometimes I think we hope when we are that age that people will treat us kindly and will include us in a rational discussion, but I have NO idea how scared and emotional I will be at that time of life. I hope people in my family will give me a chance to pull myself together and to try to be nice after I have failed to be nice, because of my fear and nutty feelings.
What are the things she can bring to the family? Tell your friend to think about it and.. say what she will do ... then ask for what she wants. Kindly and clearly.
Tell your friend to be kind and be clear. Don't be vague about what she is willing to do and what she expects, but be kind... she should say it with a kind and caring smile and show concern without offering to give up on her own life and family.
It's not just about having to move which is stressful enough but it's giving up independence (in my grandma's mind) even though we were trying to get my grandma into an assisted living. She had preconceived notions of what assisted living was and we had to quash those so we took her on a tour.
This life change for the mom should be a process. Baby steps. Don't overwhelm her. Plan the family meeting and decide what little goal is to be accomplished at the first meeting. Then leave it alone for a while, let the idea sit with her and approach her again. We all knew my grandma WAS going into AL even though my grandma wasn't aware of it but we had to treat her with respect and appreciate the implications of what we were suggesting, how upsetting it would be for her.
We convinced her after about a month-and-a-half. After she got moved and things settled down she was very happy in her apartment.
Stuck in a corner.
Hi! It has been my expierence that friend's who have moved loved ones into " nice retirement homes, assisted living, etc., " end up loving it. I know my grandmother did, but she never wanted to be a burden ( how she put it), to any of her children. She did do a great deal of manipulation with my mother's free time ( my mom worked a lot before she passed ). But, my mom never put any limitations in place; she would just come home and complain to me.
Your friend may get the help of a minister or geriatric case manager to aid in telling her that she will have to move. Let the mom know that she is loved and people will still visit and there will be all kinds of activities.
It is not an easy task, to tell anyone that they have to move, but to save your friend's sanity and relationship with mom, it has to done. After all, it is her home.
Also let her know, that mom can come over for dinners and holidays. I think most older people fear being alone all the time and people forgetting about them.
I have four cousins who never visited my grandmother, in assisted living, while she was alive and they lived in the same town. I know that hurt my grandmother terribly, but she did have my family.
Hope it helps,
Dina