My mother-in-law passed 5 1/2 years ago and her ashes are still in the box from the funeral home. That isn't so much the problem. The problem is the ashes are in "the box" in the basement under the stairs getting dusty. My husband feels his Mother is being disrespected (so do I) because her ashes have not been properly taken care of ie: in an urn, scattered or "displayed" ....how do we or how does my husband approach talking about it with his father.
There's a company called Rock of Ages out of Rutland, Vt., that has makes urns in a variety of price ranges. They're lovely people, and they'd be glad to send your father a brochure, or he could check out their website.
Your MIL, of course, is not really under the basement stairs; she's moved on to another plane, or Heaven, or been reincarnated, or whatever happens to people when they die, but dealing with her cremains is a good idea before your FIL dies or goes into a nursing home, at which time they'd become your problem.
IF one of our kids came to me and said, "It would mean a lot to me to be able to do xyz with Dad's ashes," I would probably get around to spooning out some ashes into the little butterfly urn I bought for the purpose, check to see if any other kids would like some of the ashes, and give the remains to the one who asked. IF anyone asked. You want something done with the ashes, you ask. (I suggest you leave out any reference to respect, as that might sound critical.)
I bought the little urn because I'm kind of sentimental. It has nothing to do with being respectful. But I find that each time I look at the urn I smile in memory. I guess it doesn't really matter if I actually put some ashes in it or not. It is serving its purpose.
Just a tip.
VS, quite right about Islam. Whereas in Hinduism cremation is mandatory, and must be done en plein air (they have special crematoria which comply with public health and safety requirements too). It's yet another reminder that what all ritual boils down to is respect: having and applying an accepted method for dealing with life. We just have to let each other get there in our own way.
If one relative has the ashes and other relatives have a different idea of what should be done with those ashes, the logic thing is simply to talk about it.
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