I brought my mom to live with us several months ago. Along with her I also have her existing care giver come to my home while myself and my husband are at work. I have to continue to work now due to the added expenses. My mother has quite a healthy savings and some nice investments. At the present she has has a monthly income of $4,800 due to a loan I took from her to pay off our home in which We pay her $800 a month for the next 3 years. She will be loosing $2000 a month in April as my husband bought my father's business out when he retired. April 16th we will make our final payment to her. This will reduce her monthly income to apx $3,000. The problem is she pays apx $1,800 a month for her caregiver and resents that. In addition to that she is paying my brother's rent (he is 43, lived with my mom, never married and never paid her a dime) has a good job, healthy stocks and a fat 401K. MY brother is planning on retiring a millionaire by taking a monthly allowance from her. He is over 1/2 way there. My mother does contribute to my home by buying her share of the food. It is still costing us apx $450 a month in extra utilities and amenities. My mother is a fall risk and I am stressing, basically emotionally sick about leaving her alone. My mother does not want to use her assets or investments for care giving. I would rather completely support her by working rather than leave her alone. My daughter is getting ready to go to college and we exhausted most of our retirement money when I took a year and a half leave of absence from work to care for her apx 18 hours a day so my brother could work, sleep and go out. I have tried to explain to her that I have to recoup my losses and put my daughter through college and we are struggling with the business at current. We are going weeks without a paycheck in order to not lay off any of our emplyees, our health insurance just increased to $2,500 a month and things are just really tough right now. This just creates the guilt trip she puts on me when she tells me I am throwing it in her face. I know she can't be left alone but, I have to work point blank as we just don't have enough money to save and support her in the lifestyle she is accustomed too. I am beside myself and just don't know how to make her understand this. My brother only comes around at allowance time and my mom feels it is me that should make the sacrifice as I have a husband who works and can support the situation and my brother is single and without a wife and kids. The problem my husband can no longer support their situation or financial agreement. B How do I get her to understand that she may have to begin to draw from her investments for the caregiver? JFTR she is 100% mentally competent. I know if I put her in ALF it will end our relationship or for lack of better words...make my life a living hell! My mother does not understand what it is like to struggle. I am having nightmares about her falling and my stress levels are like nothing I have ever felt.
If your Mother complains this isn't getting done or that, just tell her sorry you just don't have the energy. And ask her what does she suggest?
Since your Mom is of clear mind, and she refuses to dust off the wallet to hire someone to come in to help, so be it. She made her decision so she will need to take full responsibility of her decision. If she falls, that was her choice not to have anyone there to help her. She stays on the floor until your husband gets home because you can't pick her up due to your back injury, or she/you calls 911.
Try not to let her guilt you into quitting your job. Your job is not just a paycheck but a place to go for you own sanity. I refused to quit my job when my parents hinted that I quit. I told Dad I didn't have enough saved for retirement because I was from the era where women got paid less, so it will take me more years to catch up to what he has in retirement.
Adults determine who lives in their home and what the rent will be. If this situation has still not been resolved since 2014, you need to go see a therapist to figure out why you allow your mother to abuse you and some techniques for not allowing that to happen any longer.
If the elder is of sound enough mind and refuses to use their assets for their own care, then their worn out caregiving family members must consider the difficult step of standing down. That is, making themselves no longer available for total care of the elder.
Sometimes, only after the elder of ample resources realizes the free family caregiving option no longer exists, will they be willing to liquidate assets for assisted living arrangements.
The process of liquidating and reorganizing assets to use for the elder's care can be daunting and overwhelming. The elder and their caregivers will need help and advice from experts.
I've been through all this. It was a painful decision to make. Care of my mother consumed my very existence, my finances, and my health. But once I realized the options that were available for her and for myself, it turned out for the best. My mom despite her strong resistance, is doing quite well and is very happy at her assisted living and I have regained my life and health.
Stop thinking in terms of "sacrifice" and "guilt".
Think in terms of "I have children and need to take care of them".
Your mother has resources and you can make a plan for her and not do the hands on caregiving.
What YOU need to do is get yourself strong enough to say "no" to your mother so that you can begin to take care of you and yours! Be well!
This is what you posted back in 2014, unless there was someone else with the same "handle"
My 76 yr old mother has been diagnosed with NPH. My brother who lives with her and I took care of her 24/7 for 6 mos before surgery. We hired a part-time nurse as he works crazy hours with grave yard shifts and and a different schedule each week. I would go down at 2 am to relieve him, stay evening when he was working. I have POA so I was responsible for all bills, banking, doctors and errands. I also have a husband, 3 children and had to take a 5 mo LOA from work which affected my family and our financial situation gravely. My mom has had a shunt and is now walking, her cognitive skills are back, but she still needs care. She refuses assisted living and is so worried about my brother having to become independent. I have to go back to work and resume my life as I have basically had absolutely no life. I herniated a cervical disk lifting her (I am 120 pounds soaking wet). I need surgery as the disk is pushing on my spinal cord and I have lost feeling in my right arm and am in severe pain. Back at work until surgery, but still running back and forth like a ham pater in a cage. I am exhausted. My mother is financially comfortable and a bit more. The problem??? She refuses to spend that money for her care. I understand her fears and I have done everything to keep her out of assisted living, keep her in her home, my brother employed and in the home. She says she feels terrible that she is doing this to her children, but again refuses to pay for full-time nurses and/or assisted living. Her home is 3 bdrm, 2 ba and a pool. Too much for her and until I was injured I was cleaning it, cooking, hired a lawn service to cut the grass and my husband had to take on becoming Mr. Mom at our home while running a business. I missed all my daughter's award ceremonies at school this year, doctor's appts, family gatherings and every event I needed to attend. I am lucky to have the husband I have to step up, but we know it has to stop. I need some of my life back as this is physically and emotionally killing me just to make their lives what they want. I know I have gone over, above and beyond for my mom and my brother, but the guilt overcomes me. My mom and my brother are going to have to sacrifice now. He is 41 and she needs to cut the cord and they both need to realize that I need to have some kind of life too.
"I am still ordered to prepare his dinner plate." Ordered???
"We all know that my mother's reasoning is to make sure the money is there for my brother, however he works full-time, drives a $40,000 sports car and has more money in stocks and 401k then all of us put together."
"My brother has close to a 1/2 million dollars invested and 24 years with his job."
"To make a long story short I know I my decision to stop enabling will permanently sever my relationship with my mother. I guess I am prepared at this point to take that risk in order to regain my life."
After reading this, I completely agree with Babalou's advice. Posters here can tell you that you need to address the enabling and sacrificial aspects, but only you can get therapy and help for these issues.
Your brother has it made. With all the money he's got, why doesn't your mother go to live with him?
For anyone else who wants to read the backstory:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/mom-needs-247-assisted-living-169827.htm
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