My best friend and I are in our late 30's and are unfortunately joining the life stage of dealing with aging parents. My Bff's mom clearly has dementia symptoms, has had them for at least a 2 years, and they are getting progressively worse. However, she and her family are in denial. They won't take her to specialist or try to get her on medicines, and dismiss significant cognitive issues as forgetfulness, silliness, etc; Bff just had a baby boy, but her mom thinks it's a girl, or she dresses in mismatch outfits, looks for water in dresser drawers, can't understand simple instructions..... she was a professional career woman, so like I said, significant decline.
The reason for my question is that a few years ago, my own mother had a bout with delirium after what we think was bad UTI. My mom spent about 3 months in SN, but seemed to mostly recover after about 6-12mo. My bff and her family seem to think their mom will be "healed" like my mom was (before getting the delirium diagnosis, Drs were trying to say she had dementia onset) and are constantly trying to pump me for information on things we did/tried to help her "get better". I've given them info on medications prescribed, doctors, tests she had and info we got about dementia, but most of it they've either not followed up with drs or outright ignored.
I'm not family, so I have no rights to get directly involved, but I'm struggling with how to be a good friend to her when she won't listen to anything I've said. Personally, I'm tired of dancing around the issue and saying the same thing repeatedly, but I know things will only get worse. I'm not a fair-weather friend and I want to be there for her. Does anyone have any good recommendations on how to get through to a friend/family or how to approach the denial of dementia symptoms?
Many of the sons & daughters were SO deep in denial about their mother or father's condition that they refused to accept it. Entirely. We had one daughter who insisted her mother was only there because it was close by to her home and she had fallen while living alone, so she needed some extra help. She looked at the Memory Care as an expensive hotel b/c there was 'nothing wrong with her mother' at all. We had another gentleman who's mother was SO progressed with her dementia that she ATE another resident's hearing aid. Snatched it out of the woman's hand, put it into her mouth, chewed it up and swallowed it. Still this man insisted his mother was going to 'get better' if only she had the 'right doctors and therapists' to work with her.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
You can't do anything to convince anybody about anything. When your friend's mother does something SO outrageous that she needs to go to the hospital or get placed into residential care by say, I don't know, running down the street at 3 am naked and falling into a pothole..........why then your friend may begin to come around. But don't bet on it.
What really triggered me last night was that my friend is putting off some really precious opportunities to be/do things with her mom and kids as if she will have time later. Time is promised to no one but time is actively being robbed from someone with these diseases. I was trying to share with her that she may not have a lot of moments left, but that message was not received very well.
Other frustration points are that I know there are so many resources for dealing with cognitive decline that they are not utilizing, and the fact that I do not proactively give advice/info, yet they ask me for it and then don't follow up.
I think you are all correct in I should just hanging back, minimize my input no matter how much they ask, and let them deal with it as a family however they see fit. Their denial is def their way of coping I guess, now matter how unhealthy I might think it is.
If her mother has dementia, her symptoms will deteriorate to the point of no denial. It may happen soon or it may be a few years from now. And when you friend reaches the point of acceptance, you can be there for her then.
For now, I'd recommend you stop bringing it up.
I suppose the denial is a safety value, your friend just cannot accept the idea of dementia. Many people are ashamed (shouldn't be). Maybe skip the D word & ask about any changes she sees.
Then how to problem solve around those changes to keep her Mother safer could be a focus?
Even a small thing like mismatched outfits can be a warning: not remembering the season-not dressing for the weather-inapproprite use of aircon or heating. Heaters left on high & dehydration is a very common problem.
Your friend must be so busy with a new baby too. Does she have other family members living close to her Mother? If family are visiting her more frequently they will start to notice the issues.
Unfortunately it may take a crises before medical advice is sought.
Stick around for answers.
Best wishes to you.