Let me preface this by saying I'm not a full-time caregiver yet. We are on a "trial run" with my elderly father to see if both parties can handle each other. So far, not so good!
Long story short, all I hear from my father is constant complaining. Never necessarily about anything I or husband did, but specifically about things that happened 40+ years ago. His ex wife did such and such to him...his other kids don't call him enough...they don't appreciate him..the list goes on. I do not have a relationship with these half siblings, nor do they care to be part of the care giving process. So it has fallen to me.
I recognize we all get reflective as we get older, and it clearly pains him that these children of his don't want much to do with him. But I can't take more of the constant assault of negativity from him. I say things like "sorry I'm the best kid you've got, dad!" In a lighthearted tone, and I've even gotten to the point where I've told him I don't want to hear how bad his other kids are.
How can I cope??
1. I had help from the Area Agency on aging and my mom's doctor to get her into AL.
2. then, the AL insisted that she go to either a geriatric doctor or the clinic. They said the clinic would be easier and faster.
3. I made it clear that I would not be able to transport my mom to the clinic. She was exercising all of her paranoia and anxiety on me--so I just would not have been able to do it.
4. They said that was no problem; they would make all of the arrangements; and they did! I laughed when I got the bill from the transportation company--it was about $64 for over and back! Well,worth it.
The first stop needs to be a geriatric doctor of psychiatrist. This is complicated for us but routine for them! Good luck!
yes, in a manner of speaking I did gag and drag my mom to , first, AL. Area Agency on Aging helped and the staff of the AL was awesome. Without them, and it was really tough love, I could not have done it. About five months later I needed to move her to a new (and better) facility, and THEY insisted after a few weeks that she go to a geriatric doctor or a senior behavioral clinic. They said the clinic would be easier and faster in the end. So, that is what we did. If you would like, you can post a message to my wall here and I can give you more details.
What are the alternatives to his living with you?
There are people who are "happy being miserable." And there are people who can smilingly ignore them, and stay cheerful in spite of them; and then there are people who can't, and who get beaten down by it, and end up worn out, resentful and hurt. If your personality happens to put you in the latter category, then I think you have very sound reasons for looking again at the plan.
If you've given it your best, and you've made allowances for teething troubles, and all the obvious things; and seeing as this is, as you said, a trial run; I'd be drafting my little speech about how his living in your home didn't seem to be suiting either him or both of you, you are concerned about the practicalities of long-term care, and you (and husband) have come to the conclusion that he would be more secure and more settled living independently in his own place as part of a retirement community.
Then he can go there and cheerfully complain about you too! - but at least you won't have to listen to it all day.
It is worth it. JuddhaBuddha, my mom was doing the same thing. Acting like she was deserted by the family and desperate for attention. She was making a nuisance out of herself, bothering everyone, including the secretaries, with her endless needy talk and accusations. Now she pretty much minds her Ps andQs.
The doctor ignores all my suggestions and my mother does whatever she wants to . If someone tires of her antics she disses them and finds a new victim.
It is difficult for everyone to accept a mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease. Not only is memory damaged their ability to process
thoughts and conversations is impaired.
Confabulations and repeating are a major annoyance.
Try to get the family doctor on board with the geriatric referral, and your dad will probably accept it better.
What does he do all day? Is there adult day care he could go to? An elder group that goes to breakfast a few times a week?