My mother is 90 years old and my brother is her financial advisor. I am her 60 year son who lives with her and I am her only caregiver. When I let my brother become her financial advisor he agreed to run all transactions by me. There are few transactions. Now he says he can't work with me and has told my mother that she must not take my advice anymore. He gave her an ultimatum. He says he must ignore me or he refuses to be financial advisor.
I have twenty years experience in finance. I feel this ultimatum puts an undue pressure on my mom to choose between sons. I find that somewhat cruel but that's another story. My mother and I are perplexed as to how to handle this whole situation.
"Well, I wanted him to feel important and to feel that I trust him. He feels worthless."
I think this may be true for transactional personalities. Money infers power. There's a Macro Economic theory on this but I can't remember it now; however, it does address a "money effect". At some levels, this explains why people buy so much, often much more than they need, even though they can't afford it. It makes them feel better, perhaps even more worthwhile. And our society does value money and the accumulation of it.
Consider "conspicuous consumption" and how it affects so many, spending well beyond their needs. I haven't linked the economic theory with the psychological theory, but I'm betting that someone has.
What I've also seen is that the individual thinks he/she is smarter than others, by a wide margin, and therefore doesn't believe that others' opinions are worth considering. Treating others with contempt and derision can be a factor of what little interpersonal action exists. Control is a mandate for this person.
I'm sure there are some very complicating factors involved as well, including how to protect yourself from such a person when he/she needs money, and comes after someone else's.
Although I haven't read this in brief synopses I've read, I think that elevating oneself to a level well above others is a driving factor. What I have seen is that it doesn't get better; it only gets worse, with more aggressive controlling efforts. It can reach a point that the individual thinks no one is as smart as him/her; others are just stupid.
The extent to which such an individual may go after money is totally shocking.
LuvtoMom, I would read up as much as I can about this disorder, and take the action you need to keep your brother from any contact whatsoever with your mother's funds. Although I don't know him, based on my own experiences, I can pretty much guarantee that if he does get access to the funds, you'll never again be able to control Mom's finances, make investments, or even know what's going on. He'll close the information channel.
This is serious, really serious. Talking to him is fruitless. And distancing is wise for a number of reasons, including the possibility of more aggressive and less legal action on his part to get access to money.
BTW, do you know if he's heavily in debt? This can be an accompanying factor, or a driver to the need to gain access to funds.
Poor mom.
But I do expect him to keep pushing. By the way, I now regret now getting a caregiver compensation agreement. I just thought it was wrong to ask my mom. But if I put it to my siblings for a request for back pay they might appreciate all I have done for them. That money I saved them is going to their inheritance. My mom is legally blind because of macular. A caregiver is a necessity. I don't expect them to go along with back pay though.
Stress happens brother, and don't worry about it. We can handle it from here.
Love You. Rest up. Dealing with Covid, taking care of Mom, and your family, we totally understand. Sometimes it gets to overwelming.
When mom was living with me I found out that she named my drug addicted brother as her POA. I just about blew a rod. After composing myself, I asked mom why would she do such a thing.
Her response to my question floored me. She said, “Well, I wanted him to feel important and to feel that I trust him. He feels worthless.”
I was completely taken aback by her answer. Then I told her that I was utterly devastated and disappointed with her poor judgment.
I told her that daddy would never have allowed such a thing to occur and that we were going to an attorney to have him removed immediately.
She agreed but was still concerned more about his feelings than being practical and protecting herself. Not to mention how it effected me, the daughter who did everything for her.
I was hurt. I was shocked. There are no words to describe how it felt to see my mom live with the constant stress.
I had empathy for her but let’s be honest, she invited this into her life when she assigned him as her POA.
Some parents can be blind when it comes to their children. Plus she’s old school.
My brother was her first born and she feels men are more important than women. I was only regarded as a servant.
How do you know that your brother isn’t using? No one gets past their addiction. They stay in recovery.
Some don’t even make it that far and even if they do, the risk of relapse is always a short step away.
and also if he was in a smaller local firm, run the names of the principals of group on FINRA as well. Even if the firm dissolved.
Guys that churn accounts usually have a lively FINRA.
Your mother should not look at this as ‘choosing between sons’. She is simply allowing the POA to operate in the way it was always intended to. She made the choice about money when she signed the POA. It’s not about sons.
See an attorney. If I were your mom I would remove him from handling her financial matters.
I wish your brother success in staying sober but it makes absolutely no sense to place him in a situation where he has temptation or any possibility of more control than he should have.
I have enormous empathy for you. I grew up with an addict. Unfortunately, he died several years ago due to his reckless behavior.
Best wishes to you and your family.
As I said in a post to you several years ago, regardless of your POA, she is allowed to make BAD decisions.
I think it would be best to get an eldercare attiorney involvedbat this point. If you talk mom into firing brother, that could be seen as "undue influence" same as brother is doing.
You need a neutral 3rd party. And you need to be compensated for your caregiving.
I wouldn't disagree that the economic upheavals of this year demand at least an assessment of the portfolio, but I just don't see the rationale for so much apparent attention.
Greed and control would be what I would suspect are the motives for your brother's wannabe takeover of your mother's finances. I wouldn't allow this under any circumstances.
One of the "investment advisors" at the local branch of one of the major financial institutions talked my parents into getting an annuity, which was inappropriate at their ages. They were "played". After reading the documents, I couldn't find any way to rescind the actions, but I did speak to the branch manager and made clear my objections to exploiting seniors.
When Mom died, I helped Dad cash it out and invest the funds in the good stock portfolio he had selected after working with an investment group for years.
A bank investment department also would likely charge a fee for managing the portfolio. Dad pays no fees at all on his portfolio.
Your mother gave *you* POA, not your brother. If I were you, I would go over with your mother all of her finances as they currently stand and ask her if she's happy with them in terms of the income she's getting from them. Changing allocations and investment instruments in a market that is as volatile as the current one is very risky for someone on a fixed income.
Once you get her finances sorted out, I would see if the brokerage she's with offers CFP services. Most do.
Your brother really has no business putting pressure on your mother - it's a red flag! She needs to stand up to him and say that if she wants his advice she'll ask for it. She also does not need to explain herself to him.
So my question is, are you suspicious of something? Do you feel there could be financial abuse? Have you reason to think this? Because if so, you could tell Mom that it is her decision but it makes you uncomfortable to be told that neither you nor Mom have a right to know what is going on, and you would rather pay a fiduciary to handle finances, where you would all stay informed.
I can see both sides here. It only makes me a tad "uncomfortable" that bro wants to "go dark".
No professional would do that to a client
Like loaning money to a family member or friend I do not think family should do business when it comes to money matters.
I would ask for all your moms paperwork, all the information he has and get a new advisor. Actually your mom should do this if she is capable of doing so.
I do hope that you have the ability to also see her accounts just to make sure that nothing is amiss once she finds another financial advisor.
Take this opportunity to review all her paperwork as well. Health Care directives in order? Does she have a Will that is current? does she have updated beneficiaries where needed? and all the other "stuff" that goes with this. A visit to an Elder Care Attorney might be in order. If mom does not want to "ruffle feathers" she can just say that she is doing a end or beginning of the year review of all her papers to make sure they are up to date and there would be nothing that would create a problem if anything should happen
Every trade that gets made costs your mother money in transaction fees and possibly taxes. This is called "churning". It is done by unscrupulous Financial Planners.
Go to www.bogleheads.org for solid financial information.
At this point in her life, your mother needs a financial advisor like she needs a new skateboard. She needs a trustworthy POA and protections from scammers and wolves.
How was your relationship with your brother before all of this?
The relationship with brother hasn't been good before. He wants complete control of my mother's investments and I can't let that happen. If he wasn't a family member I would of course recommend the my mom fire him. He keeps saying that only he is qualified to give advice because he is the professional.
Is he still an addict?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-poa-but-my-mother-is-competent-i-need-advice-for-finances-437510.htm?orderby=recent&page=1