I’m now taking care of my grandmother who is 94 years old. Very intelligent and no serious health issues, but a typical over 90 year old with lots of limitations who can no longer live alone. She moved in with us 6 months ago. She used to live alone in her big nice home, taken care of by 3 caregivers. The reason why she moved to us is financial. She run out of money, her life savings is gone. She can’t afford to live in her big nice home with 3 caregivers taking care of her 24/7 any more.
Her home must be sold to finance her lifestyle and care. The plan is she will stay with us until her house is sold. Then she can decide to move to another place that she likes.
I'm now so worn out because of her manipulative behavior, I feel like she's making us feel guilty about her leaving her home and the lifestyle she is used to.
She constantly seeks attention. The most difficult time of the day is at night. During the day I keep her around me and the children to keep her awake. She constantly calls me or the kids, and there is always some thing wrong with her. Complaining that this and that is not right with her, etc. Not complaining about pain, but any other unreasonable complains. Just to get the attention she needs. I can no longer have a clear phone conversation when I get a call. Once I start talking on the phone she will start to complain about any thing just to disrupt me.
At night when everyone is sleeping is the worst. She is (most of the time) totally awake. She is so obsessed with using her calling device, she constantly pushes the buttons for no valid reason. She just wants me to be with her all the time. She demands that I check on her every hour, which is impossible, I need my sleep and the other family members need their peace and quiet at night. The calling device wakes every body up during the midnight, it is so loud that it reaches every room in the house, waking up everyone. Then when I come to her and ask what she needs, she would say "I don't know."
She will create a situation, just to have the reason to use the device to get attention. The best example is she will remove her blanket so she can complain about feeling cold. She is able to pull back her blanket if she wants to. But she wants me to do it for her. She is on anxiety medication and sleeping pill, both are not working. I think they should be adjusted. I will address this matter to her doctor.
I’m so exhausted and can not take her behavior any more. What can I do or how should I deal with this situation? There is no other care option for her, until her house is sold and she is able to afford a one to one caregivers, she used to have.
I’m done, my patience is at the end. She’s not the only one I’m taking care, I have 3 minor kids to look after.
The more I cater to her attention-seeking behavior, the more she wants from me, I can’t take this any more. I could hardly wait for her to move out. but until then what shall I do? How should I deal with this situation? Any insight is appreciated. Thank you.
Then tell her that the calling device is for emergencies only. That if she is going to abuse it by disturbing you and the household all night long, you will take it away.
Make your speech very plain that you and your family will not tolerate the senior brat behavior for one moment more. Either she knocks it off, or she leaves tomorrow whether her house is sold or not. Do not cater to her because if you do her behavior will only get worse.
Treat her like the child she is. Tell her enough is enough. You have 3 children who have priority. She is there because she needs a place to stay till her house sells. Your children need their sleep to perform well in school. You can not jump everytime she feels she needs something. Take away the calling device. If it was one of her children you would do it.
I live in an area that until a couple of years ago houses were not selling. So I don't see not selling in 6 months is not that bad. But, I would make sure that family knows Grandma can not stay with you much longer. For now she can be placed in Longterm care with Medicaid paying. The house is an exempt asset. Once its sold, it can then be determined if she stays in the LTC or in an Assisted Living.
You need to make family aware that Grandmom is not going to be a permanent person in ur home. Your children deserve to have ur full atrention.
It is good you are looking at the whole household - as EACH family members' needs are important. A good plan works for ALL of you.
So how to make it work better?
Grandmother needs constant attention. Think is a fact. Think of her like an infant with separation anxiety. I think of it as a survival tactic. An infant develops past this, with elders it will have other causes.. anxiety, brain changes, TIAs/strokes, lack of O2, many reasons. But typical with dementia too.
So as it is unrealistic for you to provide ALL her attention - look to find alternatives. My 1st thought: hire those caregivers back.
2nd: she moves into AL asap. Nice day room with plenty of company.
How to do that before her home sells?
Who has financial POA? Yourself?
Does Grandmother have the funds to reinstate her caregivers for a few months more? Can financial advice be sought to release other funds/investments or an advance based on the home equity? Would an AL take her on a deposit/advance?
If you are NOT her POA - who is?
Approach this person asap for funding for help.
Does she literally have NO money? Does she get social security? If there is even a few hundred dollars a month left over, spend it all on caregivers to give you a break. Or have her go to adult day care M-F so you can catch your breath.
Definitely needs some med changes ASAP!
Are your parents or other children of hers around? Does anyone have POA? Tell them you are DONE. This was supposed to be temporary and 6 months is not temporary, that is a looooong time! Start pushing hard. People may not like it, but you do not like the situation they have left you languishing in so you have a right to speak up and be heard. And for changes to occur ASAP.
Best of luck!
I would take away that calling device. She isn't using it for emergencies. Call her out when she 'misbehaves'. Leave the room when you make a phone call. My grandmother was the same way. She wanted to hold court at our home when we took her in after a series of mini strokes. You know what got her back into her own home.....not giving her the constant attention she wanted. Same with my father. He was living alone in his late 80s and wanted me there every day which I refused. Seeing him once every other week was more than enough. He knew I wasn't going to buckle under to his demands, so he decided on assisted living on his own. Of course, he was unhappy when he found out it was not like his trips to the ER where someone checked in on you every 15 minutes.
You kind of created this monster by following through with the 24/7 attention she got with her home aides. Start by making her wait every time she wants something (even if you are available to do it right now). I had to do this with my father's calls demanding I come over right after work today (only because I refused to LEAVE work right now). No, I can't come today but I can come 2 days from now. Every single time the big crisis was forgotten about by the time I got there.
Maybe set times when you check on her and tell her she will have to manage in between. It can't be every hour, especially at night. You need your sleep and your family needs your attention too. She can demand what she likes but it doesn't mean you have to comply with her demands. She should not be in charge. You should be in charge. Set a reasonable schedule for looking after her, but don't get sucked into more, no matter how upset she gets.
You say above she is intelligent and has no serious health issues, yet on your profile you list she has Alzheimer's and a number of other issues. I think she is too much for you to cope with considering all your other responsibilities. I am glad your are reviewing her meds with her doctor. Hopefully there is something that will help. Having Alz means her brain is broken.
I agree with the others - get that house sold however you can and get grandmother into a facility.
I'm with CountryMouse. Regarding expectations - they may need a reboot.
Waiting to hear who is POA..?
I may be wrong (I hope so..).. Is the OP's parent/aunt/uncle POA & not in a hurry to sell their 'inheritance'? If fact, quietly sitting back happy the OP has become the solution?
You say your grandmother has no serious health issues, but your profile gives quite a list which includes dementia and uti. What are her actual care needs?
1) You say “There is no other care option for her, until her house is sold and she is able to afford a one to one caregivers, she used to have”. Surely she should be going into a facility, where she won’t need the ‘one to one carers she used to have’. That almost sounds like she expects to stay with you, just with extra carers. Please don’t let either of you suggest that’s an option!
2) What other family members are involved here. Why are YOU the one to ‘look after grandma’? Check Beatty’s comment “Is the OP's parent/aunt/uncle POA & not in a hurry to sell their 'inheritance'? If fact, quietly sitting back happy the OP has become the solution?”.
3) How about Grandma getting a loan or a reverse mortgage? With the payout, she could go into care immediately. And if the other family members are ‘quietly sitting back happy’, it might change the dynamic very quickly. They might even help to sell the house!
4) Grandma could even sign up for a loan from you, only make sure it’s documented with a lawyer (so no undue influence allegations). A hefty weekly increasing loan might make this all a bit more bearable for you, if there is no alternative. And it could still put the pressure on the other rellies involved. Just make sure that they all know about it, before you get it all signed up.
Don’t think that there is nothing you can do about this. It can get much stronger than this, from legal eviction notice to a car ride down to the local shelter. Face the fat that everyone else is doing well out of this, and you are going to need to push it. Good luck, Margaret
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