Hi. My mom (76 yo) suffers from dementia, almost advanced stage, she's totally dependent for everything. She lives with my father (almost 79), who is mentally and physically ok. They live in the same building with my two brothers. I visit them on the weekends, and very often on weekdays, especially when I have days off work. We also have a female caregiver from 8 a.m. to 3 pm.
Mom is luckily very calm, and I really like being around her. Plus, I do everything when there, but my father is driving me crazy with his loud TV, watching the news and political talk shows, almost 24th. Whenever I ask him to lower the volume, or go and watch TV in his room instead, he gets defensive. I also asked him twice, in the lady's presence, letting him know that he has to be considerate of others (expect me) too. He just got defensive, as usual. We have also told him to go out for some fresh air, when the lady is around, but he won't listen.
Is there anything I can do?
You don’t say what model of tv you have but a sound bar helps a a lot with the flat screen tv. I got rid of dads old style TVs because I wanted to connect a Bluetooth headset. He didn’t like wearing the over ear or in ear headphones. I tried a sound bar and it works perfectly. Most new TVs direct sounds from the sides and back of the units. High ceilings create a huge echo sound chamber with this. A sound bar directs the tv sound directly to the viewer. His tv is about half the volume it used to be, which is tolerable.
I had to live for 3 months witih my daughter and her family which included her Mother-in-Law. She slept iin the front room and watched Law and Order series 24/7. I just learned to treat it as background noise and was gratefull it didn't contain canned laughter. I understand how you feel because I would have had to get a motel if she did. I cannot stand it. My daughter wears some kind of ear buds and listens to her music when she is not working.
Remember, you can only change yourself, you cannot change anyone else.
* Have you tried to have a 'sit down' talk with your dad, with no TV on? Telling him you have something important to talk to him about that requires his undivided attention? How would / did he respond?
* A heart-to-heart talk with him alone, over coffee. Perhaps go out for coffee or lunch or something to get him away from the tv. (I doubt 'trying to talk to him' while it is on won't work. He is irritated that you are interrupting his 'tv time.' If you go out, that distraction is gone.)
* If the above hasn't / doesn't work, what about having a family intervention since you say your brothers are there in the building (I presume in different homes).
Do your brothers feel the same way you do?
Lastly, it sounds like you might be doing 'too much' although it is wonderful that you enjoy being with / around you mom. I don't know if how often you visit is in ratio to how often the 24/7 tv on bothers you. I would think it bothers you 'all the time' whenever you visit. Of course, you 'shouldn't' have to lessen your visits due to the irritation of the tv (or the quality of your visits w your mom).
Until or unless you dad decides he can do something else, it sounds like he won't change. If it is as simple as getting earphones, great. I sense he might be very lonely (losing his wife as he is) and sad / grieving and doesn't know how - so he distracts himself with the tv. If you do / are able to have a talk with him, perhaps very compassionately bring these things up in conversation and see how that goes. I imagine he is very sad / grieving / doesn't know how to process his feelings.
* It sounds like this is his numbing out retreat and/or way he deals with his feelings.
* I presume when you say 'the lady' that you mean the caregiver - ?
- It sounds like you are not direct (enough) at times 'hinting.' He clearly doesn't take hints.
* If I were you, I would either or both:
(a) shut his door (hoping there is a door.
(b) Move your mom to an area of the house where it is quieter.
(c) In other words, it sounds like your dad is 'stuck' psychologically as he is unwilling to give / be considerate of others. He 'needs-wants' 24/7 distraction from his life. He may not be able to process his feelings so shifts to focus on TV (which numbs out or is a way to avoid feeling(s).
* This is 'more' than just tv watching. It seems to be how he survives.
Let us know how it goes.
Gena / Touch Matters
Let your dad be happy watching the news and political shows.
I know the difficulty of pulling someone's attention away from their addiction.
It is okay to watch t.v. a lot, but to neglect self care and getting out is not healthy, and may mean a more rapid decline.
Find something that motivates him more than the T.V.
I sense this man is grieving, depressed, missing the wife he had and doesn't know how to process feelings. I believe the situation requires more compassion and sensitivity to understand the 'why' behind the behavior. That's just my take in the situation.
I really do think that he is a lot worse mentally and physically than he lets on and that you know about. I don't know if you can drag him to the doctor, however that would be a good first start.
...for you, buy some good fitting ear buds and learn to ignore the TV at his house.
Have you looked into managed care? Would it be less expensive to move your Mom and Dad into Assisted Living/Memory Care? Two of the residents at my Mom's MC are a husband and wife, sharing a room. She is so devoted to him that she would not allow him to live in MC by himself. When she needs help with her husband, there is someone near by. Its a win/win for both the husband and wife. They encourage them to get out of the room and go join the others.
Non compliance and refusal or inability to cooperate may be symptoms of other decline. Does he have hearing deficit? If he is cognitively appropriate and, in his home, unfortunately there isn't much that can be done to force him to comply. Perhaps try engaging him with a faith leader of choice present to have a " conversation" ...or have other social services involved ( above and beyond the caregiver.
Adult Protective Services might be interested to evaluate him for dementia. Video both of them so that APS can assist in placing mom in memory care.
If your Dad is watching TV all the time, maybe he is bored or using it as a mental escape. Living with a spouse with dementia certainly must be depressing. Can someone stay with your mom while he is able to get an emotional and mental break? Physical activity will be helpful to preserving his own brain for his future quality of life. Even a change of activity will help- he could go to a museum, ride a stationary bike, read a book, engage in a discussion or take on a new hobby (or revisit a former one) to use for escape.
You still have him, so love him as he is. If that means wearing earplugs while you are visiting him in his home, where he is comfortable, do that for him. Someday you may look back on these days as “the good old days” and you may wince if you remember that you spent your time with him, when he was still younger and healthier, criticizing and scolding him in his own home.
Modern hearing aids are nothing like previous kinds. They're so inconspicuous that no one even knows someone is wearing them. What is conspicuous is if an elder keeps saying, "Whassat? Who? I can't hear you! Huh?" At some point, people don't try to communicate with a hard-of-hearing elder anymore. That social isolation contributes to various maladies that no one wants.
Sad. Huh? What? Who? SAD.
We actually slept in separate bedrooms for the last 8 years b/c he refused to not have a TV in the bedroom. I couldn't sleep with it on! He chose an APPLIANCE over me. That hurt!
No compromise whatsoever. I moved out and he didn't care.
In our "NEW" home he was scouting out where the master bedroom TV should go. I put my foot down and said "You can have the biggest TV in the world, but you cannot put it in the bedroom". I stood my ground and he put an enormous TV in the kitchen/gathering room. I bought him a gorgeous recliner and he sits in that with BLUE TOOTH headphones on and I don't have to hear the stupid debates.
He likes to golf (too snowy right now) and he 'thinks' now he's retiring that he's going to take up woodworking, but I don't see how or why. He has no friends, just work colleagues, but he is close to our Sons in Law.
He told me the other day that his retirement means that I'm retiring. I couldn't hold back the laughter, Having him home is easily twice the work of when I'm alone.
Get your hubby some quality blue tooth headphones. DH wears them and listens to podcasts and music. He has very poor hearing and refuses to wear his $6K hearing aids. I have given up that battle.
Some battles are not worth the fight. He misses a LOT in life due to the hearing issues and the obsession with right wing politics.
I go downstairs to my craft room and leave him be.
Our 'Golden Years' are nothing like I'd thought they'd be.
I wonder if dad himself is suffering some cognitive impairment in addition to hearing issues? Listening to NEWS all day long would drive anyone to a state of insanity, I think, so I would suggest to dad he watch a nice movie or something!
Don't try to change dad, is the best advice you can probably get. It's like beating your head against a brick wall....you'll be the one to wind up with the headache, not dad.
Best of luck.
Does he have any friends who could come by and take him for a walk while you're there? Or could your brothers or their families join in an activity with him?
You don't have to be there as much as you are. They have help, and you need to protect yourself.
As for protecting myself, you're right, but I need to be around these days because mom fell a week ago - I forgot to mention this info earlier - and is barely mobile on her own.
As we get older [I am your Mom's age] we do lose some of our hearing due to normal age decline. In the past we use to set the volume on our TV at 35 [each TV company has different numbers], over the years the volume has crept up to 45. Now I understand what my parents were going through.
We also use "close caption" numerous times as now a days actors in TV shows do not speak clearly compared to the old TV shows. One draw back is if the actor is speaking at warp speed, the "close caption" has trouble keeping up or flashes the sentence too quickly. We noticed that with the new TV series "Will Trent" that began this week.
My late husband(who had vascular dementia)watched TV 24/7, and much louder than I preferred. He would only turn it down when I would go to bed, and that was only at my request and often I would discover that he would then turn it back up.
I couldn't use ear plugs or anything like that because my husband at that time was completely bedridden in our living room, and I had to be able to hear him if he needed me overnight, so I just dealt with it, and would often sneak in after he fell asleep and turn the TV off.
Your father's not going to change, so you're going to have to. Time to invest in some headphones or the like.
One of the things my Husband did (before he was officially diagnosed) was watch TV constantly. He did not turn the station until late in the day. He would watch the Weather Channel for HOURS same thing over and over and over.....the time he would change the station was later in the day and he would "watch" Jeopardy then Wheel of Fortune the News then get ready for bed. I do not think he was able to tell time, he "knew" when his show came on by what was on.
Getting someone with dementia (diagnosed or not) to change their routine is nigh unto impossible.
Can dad be sent on a "mission" when the caregiver arrives. Can she ask him to go get the mail? Go get the paper? Is there a store near that he can walk to?
(if there is a possibility of dementia getting him out on his own may become a problem as it might become dangerous.)
Is it also possible that your dad has the TV on loud because he can not hear it? When was the last time he had a physical and had his hearing checked?