Hi. My mom (76 yo) suffers from dementia, almost advanced stage, she's totally dependent for everything. She lives with my father (almost 79), who is mentally and physically ok. They live in the same building with my two brothers. I visit them on the weekends, and very often on weekdays, especially when I have days off work. We also have a female caregiver from 8 a.m. to 3 pm.
Mom is luckily very calm, and I really like being around her. Plus, I do everything when there, but my father is driving me crazy with his loud TV, watching the news and political talk shows, almost 24th. Whenever I ask him to lower the volume, or go and watch TV in his room instead, he gets defensive. I also asked him twice, in the lady's presence, letting him know that he has to be considerate of others (expect me) too. He just got defensive, as usual. We have also told him to go out for some fresh air, when the lady is around, but he won't listen.
Is there anything I can do?
Has he been checked for depression? Has he had a good physical? It seems that sleeping lots and not engaging in activities is a sign that he is having a hard time coping with the realities of his life. It is hard to watch your spouse disappear before your very eyes. Then it could be he has started losing his executive function and gets defensive because he is scared.
This is a rotten disease that effects everyone it is near. I pray your family can find a way.
You say your Father is "mentally ok" but is he really? Unless he was always like this, something else is going on with him.
His defensiveness could be depression, or the early stages of dementia, where people begin to lose their abilities of reason, logic, inhabitions and empathy.
My Mom is the same way as your Dad. I insisted that she get her hearing checked, then hearing aids, because I told her nobody wants to be shouting things at her or repeating themselves all the time as this makes it very unpleasant to be around that person. She relented and got the hearing aids but I have to put them in for her and she still insists there's "nothing wrong" with her hearing. She also watches "anger-tainment" and every night at dinner if she starts in with any polical or negative talk my husband and I ignore it and change the topic or take out our phones and show her what pictures or videos her grandsons have been posting on Insta, etc. to distract her.
If you are able to overlook his “defensiveness”, it’s time to do that.
TELL HIM, as unemotionally as you can, that unless he wears a blue tooth setup or other type of comfortable television sound amplifier when he’s asked to, you won’t visit. He can get defensive, he can throw a tantrum, he can do what he pleases, but you are making a reasonable request, and you ARE entitled to reasonable compliance.
Then the ball is in your court to follow through.
Being defensive is bearable. Loud ceaseless noise is NOT.
I only watch a few things (news, SpongeBob SquarePants, anime, Chicago Fire, etc) otherwise I play video games, listen to music, cook, etc
Honestly, TV just isn't worth it anymore IMHO
Would he go for a walk or do a little gardening if he could listen to a podcast similar to one of his shows? Or maybe an audiobook downloaded from the library by one of the authors that are guests?
It could be a way to introduce Bluetooth headphones if you do the setup and tech support. Set it up on his phone or a hand me down Kindle Fire or other device.
Does he need hearing aid?
I think, it's more about him being inconsiderate, and loud, by nature. On the other hand, he wants me to be there and do everything for them. I could well not, but I do everything for my mother's sake.
I know, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but the loud TV is driving me mad when I am there.