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I'm sorry you're dealing with such a terrible situation with your son. I don't believe you should be putting up with it, either. The few times my son was acting abusive towards me, I demanded the house keys back and told him not to show up again until he was going to treat me like a beloved mother instead of piece of garbage. He changed his tune rather quickly, fortunately, and we haven't had issues since.
Have you stood up to your son and actually told him you will not tolerate such behavior from him? What exactly is his problem with your care giving of his father? Would he prefer to do the care giving himself, if he's such an expert on the subject?
Perhaps a few more details will help us determine how to better advise you. Sending you a big hug.
Is he ALWAYS abusive, or is he being "critical", ie "Dad is getting up enough" or "Dad isn't getting out enough" or this and that? How dependent is your husband on your care, and do you feel up to doing his care, feel fairly confident that all is going fairly well in the household. I am attempting to kind of comb out here what is "abusive" and what is "concerned and full of anxiety". Doe your son HELP you at all. Do you think that he could be projecting onto you some guilt he feels. Is there any more information, or a "for instance" that you can give me for further information, because it makes a huge difference if you just have a mean son (still remember the time, sitting on the bus, thinking of frustration about one of my daughters and coming to "Maybe you need to face the fact that one of your daughters isn't a real nice person, and get on with it best you can". Kind of an epiphany that freed me to still love, but to let loose). Wishing you luck.
Tell darling son to get is butt over to the house every morning by 7am to get Dad unto the toilet...clean his bedding and get breakfast made. He then needs to come back by 10:30 am to get Dad to the toilet...then every three days give him a shower and wash his hair. Then return by 4:30pm to get diner ready...and deal with sundowners.
if he won’t do that, then tell him point blank...what he is can be summed up by the old Indian saying...”heap big smoke and NO fire”
If you have enough energy at the end of the day, you can write up an email log of what you did that day. Every day. Subject line can read: Daily Update. Then send it to your son, whether or not he reads it is not your problem. Just keep sending it every day until he understands. I did this with my MIL (not for your reasons, but just so that everyone was on the same page in distant states, and no one could ever say what your son does or say "I never knew..."). I listed as much minutiae and detail as possible, appointments, routines, outcomes, paperwork you had to fill out, bills to pay, things to manage, etc. You don't have to say how much time any of those things took. Have it be only factual with no commentary. I found this to be very cathartic and therapeutic. And as a byproduct, I DID get lots of appreciation, encouragement and kudos from family who had no idea how much time and effort was involved for 1-1/2 yrs solid while I was raising my own family and working full-time running a business. I wish you peace and encouragement!
Yep to below. Perhaps you can schedule a mini vacation for yourself. If your son is in the area and can be at your house; I suggest the next time he's there, that you show him you have a bag packed and give him the house keys. A Daily Care Schedule is on the fridge along with any phone numbers he may need. Really walk out the door and leave him standing there. Then check yourself into a nice hotel with a good book or visit a slightly distant friend. Assure him it's not forever, just a few days....
My son is incredibly critical of me--he hears his dad complain about something and he on me like white on rice.
He has actually flown down to check out the situation when he feels I am doing a particularly 'bad job' and is not uncomfortable telling me off.
DH has had 5-6 incidents of health crises and son has never been present for the day to day, but he sure can be mean about what he feels I am not doing. HAs he EVER offered to help? Never. He just takes my car and goes and hangs out with friends--like he's on vacation.
I had cancer last year and what did his father do for me? Absolutely nothing. I may as well have been invisible. Son never called, texted or emailed me during the entire 6 months of chemotherapy. I went to his home in WA for Thanksgiving and was SO SICK the whole week, I just could not eat and wanted to sleep all the time. What does son and his wife do? They call the family on Christmas and over SKYPE proceed to chew me out for being 'no fun' and 'uninvolved' and 'uncaring' during T-giving's visit. Broke my heart. Dh , of course, did not have my back and simply said "Well, you WERE pretty much MIA for the whole week". I was less than 5 weeks post chemo. Son said that was an 'excuse' and I should have been fine by then.
I have had to go grey rock with them---told them until they can be adults and not petulant children, I didn't want to talk to them. It's been about 6 weeks and have heard nothing at all from there. I may have to accept that this is what it is going to be forever.
It hurts so bad--but I am adapting to not having them and their kids in my mind, making me sad and sorrowful. Son's wife is a doctor, so she should KNOW that chemotherapy is the very devil, It took me to the brink of death---and they never cared.
This son had 2 brain surgeries in his early 20's and he begged me to not leave him alone at the hospital and I did not. 10 days for the first surgery--only went as far as my daughter's house to shower and borrow clean clothes--maybe 2 hours in a day, twice. The 2nd surgery, I NEVER left.
Hard to believe this jerk is the same boy who used to love and adore me.
So sorry. I think they get caught up in their own lives and lose sight of what is important. I love my daughters and am lucky they live close. Maybe thats why I don't see them everyday. And at 70 we have not had to ask much. I told them I don't expect them to physically care for me. I should have money for that. But, I don't want to be forgotten. My one daughter is always helping everyone else but so far doesn't seem to be getting anything in return. I wonder if she will help me when the time comes.
Get MAD. Tell him if he thinks he can do a better job than he can do it. That you are doing the best you can. Like said, if he can't come into YOUR home showing you respect, then don't visit. Because Caregiving is hard enough without some criticizing everything you are doing. Ask him if he could care for someone 24/7 with no reprieve. No socialization out of the house. When u do go, its a quick run to get whats needed.
Next time he calls and says he is visiting, you rather he didn't if he was going to criticize. If he calls and gets started, say I am no longer going to listen and hang up. You owe him nothing. You are his mother and need to be treated like it. If he comes without calling, tell him sorry, you don't have time for his bulls _ _ t. Close the door and lock it.
No one has to take any sort of abuse. We can all walk away.
My last communication with my son went along the lines of "IF you cannot treat me with respect and MINIMALLY not chew me out in front of the KIDS, do NOT contact me. I have been unbelievably sick going through chemo, which you think is an "excuse for bad behavior". I was sicker than I ever thought I could be, and still be alive. I didn't WANT to come, dad basically forced me saying I'd never be forgiven if I didn't go".
He NEVER got this. Expected me to join in and be a happy, joyful part of the holidays. His kids were horribly behaved and there was a LOT of screaming and yelling and it was disturbing to me, emotionally and physically. I should NEVER have gone. Slowly as I recover from chemo, I am feeling less angry towards them, but the relationships I worked so hard to make 'good' are gone. My DIL will NEVER respect nor love me again.
Luckily they live 800 miles away. They are not part of my day to day.
Sorry--I don't mean to hijack this post. Just adding my 2 cents that sometimes family is the worse 'enemy' we have.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation. He is your son. He has no authority to oversee your life. You are perfectly capable of living your own life. It’s always amazing to me that those who are not doing the ‘hands on’ work criticize the most. It’s sad.
Tell your son that unless he is willing to be his dad’s caregiver that his criticism is not welcome. Also tell him that it is absolutely not helpful but it is extremely hurtful and adds stress to your life which you don’t need. You have enough stress in your life. What makes him feel his comments are helping? His comments are nothing but counterproductive.
I sincerely hope that he will learn to respect you. Even if his comments are coming from a place of helpless frustration he still needs to stop because it is harmful to you. You are frustrated too. You are asking for advice. That shows me that you are not close minded.
You hurt because it is disturbing behavior from a son who should be supporting you instead of criticizing you.
If his intentions are because he cares deeply for his dad and is terribly frustrated feeling helpless, he still needs to find other ways to express his emotions to you.
If he is a ‘know it all’ then he needs to his his mouth shut. If he continues to speak I wouldn’t even respond to his criticism.
OP has not completed her profile, nor has she come back with more information, but several posters have jumped all over the son.
For all we know OP is not facing the reality of the situation and not accepting the advice her son is trying to give her. Or it could be as assumed by previous posters that he is criticizing, but not contributing.
There needs to be background information on the husband's condition, the type of caregiving activities, what difficulties she encounters, and the nature of the criticism. For all we know, she needs help and refuses to bring in an outside aide.
Unfortunately, many people don't know how to handle conflict resolution and without knowing the details, it seems that your son's negative actions might be coming deep down from a good place in that he cares for his dad but clearly he doesn't know how to go about it maturely. It could be a matter of perspective and a meeting of the minds. He needs to walk in your shoes for a bit and understand what it might be like for you, say, over a week's time 24/7. Likewise, you may need perspective, too, in that you have gradually accommodated a situation that for an outsider may appear untenable. If he is acting out, he needs to stop, but it may mean that you need assistance in the care of your husband. I would take this awful circumstance and turn it into a win-win. If you took away the abusive part of his behavior, is there a grain of truth to the rest? If possible, get some help into your home. Make a list of some of his grievances and with an open mind, come up with a helpful list of your own that would make you and your husband's life improve. Hire someone to give you a hand. This help can be any number of things. But by bringing in outside help, you will gain a neutral assessment and their support. Next time your son shows up, assign him a task in the name of helping out his dad. When he manages to conduct himself in a way that is positive, acknowledge it, and thank him. If you feel unsafe with him, that is another matter, and you will need to seek professional assistance.
My husbands kids have been hating me since my husband and I met - and got married - and now 15 years later are going around my 'back/decisions' and contacting their dad directly, who has dementia, that they will look out for him. That made me angry enough to go see an attorney, get all our ducks in a row, update and sign off on will, home deed, etc...so that if something happened to their dad I would not be out of a house and living in a cardboard box. lack of control is hard enough, but the mother son relationship is difficult always. I know my husbands kids are scared and worried that their dad is in decline but there is no reason on Earth for them to criticize or control this situation. They don't need to like me, but I have set boundaries that they are not to steamroll over me either. I am holding your heart in mine and hope you find peace. Find people who love you and be around THEM.
You are doing the caregiving. They do not get to set the rules. You are not an employee - you are his wife. Whether they like it or not. Agree with others, get all the legal stuff in order - preferably a Revocable living trust - not just for after, but if he can't handle his affairs - you as trustee will be able to manage things for him (and thereby for yourself) without having to go to court for a custodial order. And without them intervening.
hello, Just a suggestion... Why don't you take your adult son out to a nice lunch. Print out ALL of the answers here along with your words, hand them to him after you both order, but before the food arrives and let him know this column is about you and his Dad and your care giving responsibilities. Maybe this could open the lines of communication between the two of you. Kate
That's EXACTLY what I've tried to get my brother to do (with our mom), but he and his wife would NEVER consider it.... even to help US out financially, either!!! SO, my response had been, and well always be, PUT UP OR SHUT UP!!!
Make a list of EVERYTHING you are doing for your husband. Make a photocopy for your son. He may not realize how much care is actually involved.
Then take your son out to lunch. When you are at the end of the meal, hand him the list. Tell him that if he does not believe you are doing a good job with the care, then he is more than welcome to assume 24/7 care of his father.
I agree with the list. Nothing gets through better than SEEING it in plain English. Write down what you do from the time you get up in the am til bedtime. Include trips to pharmacy, doctor, grocery store, food prep, laundry, taking care of bills and insurance. People would be shocked themselves if they sat down and read what all they do in trying to care for another person, not to mention trying to take care of yourself at the same time.
Make sure on that list u but any toileting and clean up you have to do. For me this is the worst. That laundry u needed to soak in vinegar before u could even wash it. Any abuse u take from his Dad, if any.
If your son is abusive with you, he may not make a good, patient caregiver- so take your son out to lunch at a local assisted living facility and let him see the quality of life at the ALF and then compare to how it is at your home. Offer to hire a Visiting Angel visiting nurse if he persists--- and ask him to help pay the $1000 per month. All in all, you do not have to put up with abuse in your home. Call 211 and seek out the services of an ombudsman or ombudswoman who will be fair and impartial and help both you and your son find a good plan. The real question is how much care does your husband need? If he was in the military, he may qualify for the Aid and Attendance Program which will require hi to need help with 3 ADL's-- such as eating, dressing, bathing, things that will eventually wear you out over a period of time... the program pays the equivalent of the Social security disability pay-- now $1127 per month. Take your son to all the local ALF's and help him to understand how expensive it is and how you will have to leave your home to accommodate your husband and the facility.
I'm SORRY to hear of the criticism you're getting from your son, but I CAN DEFINITELY RELATE!!!
I have the VERY SAME issue, but with my brother regarding the care of our mother! Worse, he and his wife have enlisted other family members (in particular his grandchild, my grand-niece) to torment me and, GET THIS, LITERALLY threaten to report me to Adult Protective Services, because the house isn't as pristine as they feel it should be, even though in addition to caring for her, I'm disabled myself! No one in his family (I don't have children) will even consider helping us out, not even financially (to help pay for the cleaning lady that I PAY for out of MY paltry SS income!), but they're quick to criticize! I WISH I had ANY, much less GOOD, advise for you, but DO KNOW that there's someone who DOES understand how YOU feel!!!
Offer him to come and take over for awhile or to pay someone to come in to assist u. Tell him how it hurts and how you do not appreciate his constant criticism. If he continues to criticize then ask him to leave
Your son has crossed the line of Elder Abuse. He does not have any right to speak at you or your husband in any way other than with respect and offer to help. What was he like when he was growing up? Did he abuse both of you the same way and make demands of you? Did you or your husband cave to his demands just to get him to shut up and leave you alone? If he was able to get by with this behavior when he was growing up and neither of you chose to stop it, he has 'earned' the right because you gave it to him. As you get older it may become more than verbal abuse because he will know when you're at your weakest. You can get help from APS by reporting him. They will help you and discuss ways to protect yourselves. You definitely need to get a caseworker to help with this brute, bully of a son. If he doesn't live with you, change the locks, don't give him a key. When he starts going off outside, call the police. They will come out and give him a choice (1) leave on his own accord (2) they will remove him and give him a nice room to spend the day or night. WHEN THEY ASK YOU ABOUT PRESSING CHARGES....YES! Do not feel guilty either and do not give in. You and your husband are VICTIMS. Ask the police to drive by your home several times a day. You can even exchange a distress signal will be so when they drive-by they will call for backup and break down the door if necessary. Talk with your police dept liaison officer to help you. I take care of our Mother's property as she is in assisted living. I'm out of state, but I changed all the locks to the house and only myself and 1 Uncle can get into the house. Not even my siblings can get to the backyard unless they climb over the block fence. They don't help and I don't trust them. The police have a list of people allowed on the property such as the lawn maintenance guy, pool guy. They drive-by several times a week and check around the property and locks. You can stop him if you want.
Wow some of you have vivid imaginations and have clearly concocted what our think is happening but there is absolutely nothing to substantiate your claims. The OP has given absolutely no details yet it’s been decided that the son is committing elder abuse? And he’s a bully! Wow just wow.
Lots of mssing information. Is your husband his father? Are they close? Does your son have a history of depression, anxiety, anger management or relationship issues? Was he a difficult child or an agressive teen? This might all be his problem, not yours. Take a NAMI class to learn how to deal with it.
On the other hand, are there problems or issues you are struggling with that he seems to think are easily addressed? If so, have you looked into his sugestions to see if they are helpful? Are his concerns fiscal, and does he have financial problems that he expects an inheritance to solve? Are you struggling to take care of your husband on your own and refusing to hire additional help? Most of us do not see our own weaknesses clearly.
Talk to a social worker locally about your overall situation to see what if anything you need to do for best care of your husband and yourself. Implement those recommendations. Then assure yourself you are doing the best you can, and that your son just needs to complain because he can't do anything else.
If he doesn't like the care you're giving your husband, you can tell him you are more than happy to have him help or take over the caregiving altogether!
Still, I agree with the others who stated that more information is required in order to provide a cogent response.
I deal with people who are upset with a caregiver family member because the particular relative in charge of the ill family member will not put the person in a good caregiver facility or hire home help.
Usually this arises, when the spouse or other family caregiver, can not reasonably care for the ill person, but insists on keeping them at home
For example: Can you lift your husband from the floor, help him up and down stairs, or help him to the toilet without causing injury to yourself.
Can you administer medicine, fluids, etc.
These people are often concerned about the caregiver being hurt and ending up in the hospital themselves or not understanding how to administer medical care.
I hope you return and read some of the comments and use those you find most useful. But the common thread here is NO ONE should be verbally abused. I would say to him, "I know you're concerned about your father's care. Please believe I love him, too, and I'm doing the absolute best that I can.
Then hand him the items that require attention the rest of the day and say, "please do these while I'm out." Then drive, take a car service, have a friend pick you up, take a taxi and go to the movies or sit in the park for the rest of the afternoon.
When he comes back the next day, say and repeat, this time staying even longer.
Tell him if he would step up and be the caregiver he wouldn’t have to be so upset all the time. Apparently he knows better, so tell him to come take of him. He has NO right to be telling you anything about the care you give. People like this need to be made to become caregiver for a month. Most of them wouldn’t last a day!
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Have you stood up to your son and actually told him you will not tolerate such behavior from him? What exactly is his problem with your care giving of his father? Would he prefer to do the care giving himself, if he's such an expert on the subject?
Perhaps a few more details will help us determine how to better advise you. Sending you a big hug.
Wishing you luck.
if he won’t do that, then tell him point blank...what he is can be summed up by the old Indian saying...”heap big smoke and NO fire”
He has actually flown down to check out the situation when he feels I am doing a particularly 'bad job' and is not uncomfortable telling me off.
DH has had 5-6 incidents of health crises and son has never been present for the day to day, but he sure can be mean about what he feels I am not doing. HAs he EVER offered to help? Never. He just takes my car and goes and hangs out with friends--like he's on vacation.
I had cancer last year and what did his father do for me? Absolutely nothing. I may as well have been invisible. Son never called, texted or emailed me during the entire 6 months of chemotherapy. I went to his home in WA for Thanksgiving and was SO SICK the whole week, I just could not eat and wanted to sleep all the time. What does son and his wife do? They call the family on Christmas and over SKYPE proceed to chew me out for being 'no fun' and 'uninvolved' and 'uncaring' during T-giving's visit. Broke my heart. Dh , of course, did not have my back and simply said "Well, you WERE pretty much MIA for the whole week". I was less than 5 weeks post chemo. Son said that was an 'excuse' and I should have been fine by then.
I have had to go grey rock with them---told them until they can be adults and not petulant children, I didn't want to talk to them. It's been about 6 weeks and have heard nothing at all from there. I may have to accept that this is what it is going to be forever.
It hurts so bad--but I am adapting to not having them and their kids in my mind, making me sad and sorrowful. Son's wife is a doctor, so she should KNOW that chemotherapy is the very devil, It took me to the brink of death---and they never cared.
This son had 2 brain surgeries in his early 20's and he begged me to not leave him alone at the hospital and I did not. 10 days for the first surgery--only went as far as my daughter's house to shower and borrow clean clothes--maybe 2 hours in a day, twice. The 2nd surgery, I NEVER left.
Hard to believe this jerk is the same boy who used to love and adore me.
Next time he calls and says he is visiting, you rather he didn't if he was going to criticize. If he calls and gets started, say I am no longer going to listen and hang up. You owe him nothing. You are his mother and need to be treated like it. If he comes without calling, tell him sorry, you don't have time for his bulls _ _ t. Close the door and lock it.
No one has to take any sort of abuse. We can all walk away.
He NEVER got this. Expected me to join in and be a happy, joyful part of the holidays. His kids were horribly behaved and there was a LOT of screaming and yelling and it was disturbing to me, emotionally and physically. I should NEVER have gone. Slowly as I recover from chemo, I am feeling less angry towards them, but the relationships I worked so hard to make 'good' are gone. My DIL will NEVER respect nor love me again.
Luckily they live 800 miles away. They are not part of my day to day.
Sorry--I don't mean to hijack this post. Just adding my 2 cents that sometimes family is the worse 'enemy' we have.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation. He is your son. He has no authority to oversee your life. You are perfectly capable of living your own life. It’s always amazing to me that those who are not doing the ‘hands on’ work criticize the most. It’s sad.
Tell your son that unless he is willing to be his dad’s caregiver that his criticism is not welcome. Also tell him that it is absolutely not helpful but it is extremely hurtful and adds stress to your life which you don’t need. You have enough stress in your life. What makes him feel his comments are helping? His comments are nothing but counterproductive.
I sincerely hope that he will learn to respect you. Even if his comments are coming from a place of helpless frustration he still needs to stop because it is harmful to you. You are frustrated too. You are asking for advice. That shows me that you are not close minded.
You hurt because it is disturbing behavior from a son who should be supporting you instead of criticizing you.
If his intentions are because he cares deeply for his dad and is terribly frustrated feeling helpless, he still needs to find other ways to express his emotions to you.
If he is a ‘know it all’ then he needs to his his mouth shut. If he continues to speak I wouldn’t even respond to his criticism.
For all we know OP is not facing the reality of the situation and not accepting the advice her son is trying to give her. Or it could be as assumed by previous posters that he is criticizing, but not contributing.
Unless OP comes back we will not know what it is.
Just a suggestion...
Why don't you take your adult son out to a nice lunch.
Print out ALL of the answers here along with your words, hand them to him after you both order, but before the food arrives and let him know this column is about you and his Dad and your care giving responsibilities.
Maybe this could open the lines of communication between the two of you.
Kate
Then take your son out to lunch. When you are at the end of the meal, hand him the list. Tell him that if he does not believe you are doing a good job with the care, then he is more than welcome to assume 24/7 care of his father.
I have the VERY SAME issue, but with my brother regarding the care of our mother! Worse, he and his wife have enlisted other family members (in particular his grandchild, my grand-niece) to torment me and, GET THIS, LITERALLY threaten to report me to Adult Protective Services, because the house isn't as pristine as they feel it should be, even though in addition to caring for her, I'm disabled myself! No one in his family (I don't have children) will even consider helping us out, not even financially (to help pay for the cleaning lady that I PAY for out of MY paltry SS income!), but they're quick to criticize! I WISH I had ANY, much less GOOD, advise for you, but DO KNOW that there's someone who DOES understand how YOU feel!!!
Tell him how it hurts and how you do not appreciate his constant criticism.
If he continues to criticize then ask him to leave
What was he like when he was growing up? Did he abuse both of you the same way and make demands of you?
Did you or your husband cave to his demands just to get him to shut up and leave you alone?
If he was able to get by with this behavior when he was growing up and neither of you chose to stop it, he has 'earned' the right because you gave it to him.
As you get older it may become more than verbal abuse because he will know when you're at your weakest.
You can get help from APS by reporting him. They will help you and discuss ways to protect yourselves.
You definitely need to get a caseworker to help with this brute, bully of a son.
If he doesn't live with you, change the locks, don't give him a key. When he starts going off outside, call the police. They will come out and give him a choice (1) leave on his own accord (2) they will remove him and give him a nice room to spend the day or night.
WHEN THEY ASK YOU ABOUT PRESSING CHARGES....YES! Do not feel guilty either and do not give in. You and your husband are VICTIMS.
Ask the police to drive by your home several times a day. You can even exchange a distress signal will be so when they drive-by they will call for backup and break down the door if necessary.
Talk with your police dept liaison officer to help you.
I take care of our Mother's property as she is in assisted living. I'm out of state, but I changed all the locks to the house and only myself and 1 Uncle can get into the house. Not even my siblings can get to the backyard unless they climb over the block fence. They don't help and I don't trust them.
The police have a list of people allowed on the property such as the lawn maintenance guy, pool guy. They drive-by several times a week and check around the property and locks.
You can stop him if you want.
On the other hand, are there problems or issues you are struggling with that he seems to think are easily addressed? If so, have you looked into his sugestions to see if they are helpful? Are his concerns fiscal, and does he have financial problems that he expects an inheritance to solve? Are you struggling to take care of your husband on your own and refusing to hire additional help? Most of us do not see our own weaknesses clearly.
Talk to a social worker locally about your overall situation to see what if anything you need to do for best care of your husband and yourself. Implement those recommendations. Then assure yourself you are doing the best you can, and that your son just needs to complain because he can't do anything else.
I find that usually shuts people up.
I notice you have yet to return to this thread.
Still, I agree with the others who stated that more information is required in order to provide a cogent response.
I deal with people who are upset with a caregiver family member because the particular relative in charge of the ill family member will not put the person in a good caregiver facility or hire home help.
Usually this arises, when the spouse or other family caregiver, can not reasonably care for the ill person, but insists on keeping them at home
For example: Can you lift your husband from the floor, help him up and down stairs, or help him to the toilet without causing injury to yourself.
Can you administer medicine, fluids, etc.
These people are often concerned about the caregiver being hurt and ending up in the hospital themselves or not understanding how to administer medical care.
Then hand him the items that require attention the rest of the day and say, "please do these while I'm out." Then drive, take a car service, have a friend pick you up, take a taxi and go to the movies or sit in the park for the rest of the afternoon.
When he comes back the next day, say and repeat, this time staying even longer.