Caring for my mom for past 20 years. She lives alone in her home. Her desire. I have taken care of everything from groceries to medical appointments to her bills… everything. Now that her health is being more challenging, I look to my siblings for help. But because Mom is not confident in anyone but me to help her, she prefers my siblings not to help. This is fine. My mom trusts me. I get it. But I am now resenting my brother and sister for not even trying to get involved for the past 20 years. They figured if I didn’t ask for help, then I must not have needed it.
I will continue to care for my mom with all my heart. But how do I cope with the pain and disappointment I have with my siblings? In my eyes, it is NOT ok to be so self absorbed and take it for granted that I will take care of our mom by myself. I hate to say it, but today I actually started wishing I were an only child. That way I would not be resenting anyone for not helping. I feel bad I am thinking this way. But I am being honest, any advise?
Mom doesn’t have as much trust in them as she does with me, so I will continue what I am doing. Just dealing with disappointment. But I am hoping disappointment will be easier to deal with than resentment.
I personally was an RN for my career. While I loved it, it had 5 weeks vacation, worked three 12 hour shifts per week, had 12 ill days and 12 personal/holiday days. With that it was a piece of cake to maintain a great attitude and love what I did. But it did teach me that I would never want to do hands on care for anyone 24/7, nor to be responsible for the care in that manner. Not only does it take over your life, cause great anxiety, require endless patience, but it removes you from being a daughter to being a caregiver. There is a great difference in the roles and they don't meld well.
I would be in the same camp with your siblings. The difference is that I would try to help you in some ways, perhaps with shopping bags of groceries, with a few home cooked meals per month, with some respite for some weeks. But I would at the same time make it very clear to you that I feel an elder who cannot care for him/herself belongs in some kind of care, or needs to provide his/her own caregivers, that I would not be taking on caregiving. I would own up that these are MY OWN limitations, and have nothing to do with your choices.
I am sorry you don't have more help and support, but I would not waste time thinking about that. Others don't change because we wish them to.
I hope that your mother, if she has any means at all, any assets, will recognize the care that you have given her out of your good heart for all this time by making it clear in any will or trust that you are the beneficiary of a large portion of any estate to a much larger extent than your siblings because of the care you have provided her. I truly hope she is cognizant of this care and has made provisions, but I find that seldom happens.
I am sorry. I recognize your good heart. I would vote for you if you are running for Sainthood, but it is a bad job description and I advise against it. You are clearly a giving and good hearted person. We don't all fit those specifications; I surely don't. And it appears your siblings don't either.
I never thought by taking on this responsibility 20 years ago, that my siblings would then hold me 100% responsible and leave me with no support.
And I am assuming they are conveniently forgetting that this is their mother too. I am not just asking help for me, but for OUR mother.
Just very disappointed.
You cannot expect anyone to help you, you have set the stage for her caregiving and now you are still saying the same thing "I'll be the caregiver for her the rest of her life...I can do this".
This is of course a choice, you have chosen to do this. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you want to see what they have to say call a family meeting, are you ready to relinquish some of the caregiving activities? You have dedicated your life to caring for mom. If you are not ready to relinquish some of this control, I would not fret over what you have chosen to do, just keep doing it.
My challenge is now in the present. I have asked both siblings for help. I specifically said I am feeling overwhelmed and asked for help on days I could not. I got excuses that those days would be inconvenient or that they already had personal plans. (Would be nice to have the ability to make personal plans! Right?) You are right in that I made the choice for many years to help. Just wish I had siblings who would jump in to help when I needed it. Especially since I did not ask for their help for 2 decades. After all, this is their Mom too. I personally feel I would not treat them this way, and I am just disappointed that they would do this to me. But I guess that is their choice, and with that said, I am more disappointed than resentful. My bad for having such high expectation of my siblings. And so I move on….
Thank you again for your reply. It is much appreciated.
I'm a 6 year daughter caregiver so I understand.
Can one of your siblings be tasked with paying the bills?
Can a sibling be tasked with being in charge of meds?
I find both of these tasks to be a hassle. Like you I'm doing it all.
Your suggestions were good. Thank you. I wish you well.
Some very interesting words have been mentioned.
Resentment.. are you giving too much? Feeling weighed down & expecting others (siblings) to lighten your load. Why?
Expectations.
That family should help family?
Any other reasons?
Relinguish.. are you ready to let go of some tasks? Of letting others do some tasks, in their own way?
Trust.. your Mother trusts you. Only you. Is this fair? Reasonable?
Is this practical? Is this a hurdle Mother must learn to get over?
What about your trust? Do you really trust your siblings to help? Or will you want to oversee,
direct when & how they help?
Maybe your siblings are resentful?
Of being presumed (even if asked nicely) of being your backup service.
Lots to think about.
Hoping for the best for you.
I did most of what my mom needed during her last years. What hurt me was I couldn't understand why my siblings didn't want to help more. My mom trusted me the most just like your mom and I understood that I was the logical choice. But she was a wonderful woman and mother. Why my siblings wouldn't want to help more.........well that irked me. Still does, 9 yrs. after her death.
I've forgiven my sibs cause, well, forgiveness is mostly for the person who is forgiving. Holding all that resentment inside was only hurting me. They didn't have a clue that I was mad and even if they did know it wouldn't have changed anything. I'll never see them in the same light again. Our relationships have changed since mom died. We rarely see each other or talk. But eventually ya gotta let bygones be bygones.
I feel like alot families break apart after long term caregiving, it sucks weather it's from the stress, or honestly I think in my case the only thing we have had in common all these years is we have the same parents. So maybe family's go separate was because of the stress, or maybe there just isn't anything to hold them together anymore
i’m a black belt in karate. i’ll kick your siblings’ butts one day. so will karma.
i have some terrible, terrible family members. you have no idea.
OP, i wish you (and all of us here), a great life. find a way.
step 1: if possible, stay away from terrible people. they don’t change, they get worse. don’t trust them! document everything, if necessary. you might need the proof later.
step 2: build yourself a WONDERFUL life. you can do it. easier said than done, but YOU CAN DO IT. YOU MUST DO IT.
❤️❤️❤️
your friend,
bundle of joy
You have a lot of skill sets in managing a sick person. Take a good inventory of what's happening now. You sound burned out. Which is a given at this point. No need to bother with the siblings. "They don't have to change. I can." They aren't going to do squat. Oh well. You'll see 'em at the funeral. That'll be about as much as they can manage. Otherwise, time to get your ducks in a row. All paperwork done-POA, DPOA, will, any estate stuff. Do you use an elder lawyer? If not, time to find one. Protect your assests. Understand the laws in your state. Don't think your siblings won't try some pretty rotten stuff.
Placement for you mother may be a harsh reality. Are you ready for another 20+ years of this? Folks are living longer. If that is your choice, then have at the very least a weekly caregiver come in to help you.
Mom's health will continue to worsen. That's a given. By this time, if your siblings haven't caught on that you need more help, and if they aren't willing to provide it, it's not going to happen. The way to get over your disappointment in them is to stop expecting help from that quarter. Chop off the expectations and set your sights on another way of getting help. Move forward with that.
Then have a come-to-Jesus meeting with mom. (No point in including the sibs because they'll feel momentarily guilt under pressure, but after they've told you they'll help, they won't. They never do.) Tell mom that you're going to hire help and pay them with her money. Then she has a fit (manipulation, gotta pile on the guilt). Then you tell her that caregiving is exhausting and you wish to stay mentally healthy, so if she doesn't like it, that's too bad. Then hire people.
Better yet, find an assisted living facility for mom. She'll have activities and people to help her. You can be free and still care for your mom with all your heart, but you will no longer be her slave.
Elders who make no plans for their old age often feel overentitled. Your mom is one of those. It's wrong to expect an adult child to help them live "independently" when there is nothing independent about it. Twenty years. That's 7300 days and 7300 nights of responsibility for you. You didn't deserve that.
Whatever you do, don't take her into YOUR home "to make it easier." That's a sure disaster, and it's never easier. I hope your find help soon.
Someone should do a cross-stitch of that.
but, its worth getting out of despite the hard work!
Unfortunately, it is not. Just know you are not alone. And I noticed you said that they used the excuse of not helping in the past, bc they felt it was not needed....well it is NOW, so tell them so - and explain to your mother that while you are glad that she trusts you, caregiving can lead to burn out. It sounds like you need a break.
Feels better now that I can release them. Still hurts sometimes, but lessens when I remind myself there is nothing worth holding on to that is healthy.
I do hope you are finding some peace too. Some days are better than others
I have decided to look for help anywhere else but them.
I actually feel better accepting the fact they will not be a resource for me, and I will not expect it from them anymore. A good way to get rid of disappointment!
And bottom line you can't control people.
Change the things that you can change , accept the things that you can't.
As for my sister, I have no feelings, anger , resentment, or feelings of sisterly love. It's a good place, and I hardly ever have to see her.
As for my brother, who is poa, respect me or moms all yours. That's all I expect from him.
I'm in a really good place with all that
I have two older sisters. When I took on this job of caregiving and it is a job for sure, I spoke to them about the help they could provide, what they would be willing to do etc. Ended up they did minimal, but something. Although they promised so much more. I was resentful and hurt like you. Trust me it takes time to get over it, but you can get over it! Get help if Mom's finances allow. I have help come in everyday, but one. On that day we do Dr appts etc. so I leave it open on purpose. One sister comes one day for a few hours when it fits her schedule. The other does nothing anymore to help. I was never close to this eldest sister anyway. She is selfish and mean spirited. Her husband and children are the same. I have cut ties other than being civil if we cross paths. Which luckily isn't often! My other sister and I were very close at one time but that was because she needed me to help raise her two daughters when her husband left her. I realize now that once she didn't need me or my Mom we weren't close anymore. I have come to terms with this. This is life. Families aren't perfect and from what I've seen over the years it's more common to have one child doing more or all the caregiving.
I have a wonderfully supportive husband and three fantastic children. I am blessed. As I see it it is my sisters' loss. They are missing out on a wonderful family that they have ruined the relations with because they couldn't give up a few hours a week to help with their Mom, who was a good Mom btw. Whom they are missing out on as well.
Every once in awhile I will shake my head and then I stop myself from giving those people another moment of my precious time and energy. They are so not worth it. Instead I focus on gratitude each and every day. The good in my life, even on the hard days, I turn to what is good in my life and thankfully it outweighs the bad. So trust me, it takes time. it's not easy but you can move past it.
Your relationship with your siblings will forever be changed, like mine is. But if they were not siblings, would you be friends with them? I asked myself this question and realized the sad but painful truth that no I would not give them the time of day. It's is sort of a grieving process really.
My last piece of advice is take time for you. No one else will take care of you. If your Mom can afford help get it, or look into programs that help in your area. Respite is needed and necessary! Don't try to be a hero, just being there for the last 20 proves that. Getting hired help or moving loved ones into care facilities is NOT a sign of weakness or that we don't care, in fact, it is quite the opposite. It shows how much we care that we know we can't provide the amount of care that is needed for our loved ones.
Hope this helps! and I wish you all the best on your caregiving journey!
I did have DPOA so that did make it a little easier for me to call the shots. Siblings never gave me a hard time about the decisions I made.
Your siblings can only give what they can - if only it be a phone call, or an occasional visit. Just keep them informed about mom and document it via text or email - this way if they say anything you can tell them you had informed them about moms decline. Know that while I am writing this a prayer was said for you and your family. Cyber hugs : )
I struggle with it.
This AM, my dad is "mad" at me for not answering his phone call at midnight. THis is after speaking with him 4 times yesterday.
Then, in a plea for some help from my sibling, at least some advice, he had told me he would call me in the evening - no call from sibling at all.
1. Your siblings may be too emotionally fragile to handle dealing with an aging parent and are keeping their distance to maintain the memory of when that person were at their physical and mental peak.
2. Maybe the relationship between your mom and some of them weren't that great and they're harboring resentment themselves for some ancient grievance.
3. Sometimes siblings checking out is a saving grace. It might turn out that the siblings who aren't helping are the most clueless, clumsy and inept when it comes to certain things. In other words, you're imagining that if they helped, they would be just like you--dutiful and careful in everything you say and do. But you'd be surprised. I have an older sister who checks out regularly and whenever she tried to offer more help, it became troublesome. For example, she would keep giving my mother the saltiest snack item, in spite of being told repeatedly that she has high blood pressure.
It could turn out that asking them to help out could turn into a dynamic you regret. Again, I have an older sister and sometimes, in asking for help, she started to take charge in ways without even asking to be briefed or consulted. If your siblings are older than you, that could very well happen. The older sibling might start acting like the head boss even though you've been running the show for a long time.
4. This phenomenon, of the one kid being in charge of everything, is so commonplace, it's almost like the universe has designed it that way. I once met a guy who said that out of eight children, he was the only one that took care of his mother. I don't know why this happens, but it happens so frequently that I imagine that there's a "science" to it, like when sociologists figured out how large crowds in a huge city make it less likely for one person to help someone. I wouldn't take it to heart because, like I said, it seems to just sort of happen that way for a lot of people.
maybe what I should do is, for a week, forward my phone to my sibling's number ?!
just kidding.....
1) not everyone is cut out for caregiving. Caregivers get old, tired, sick, die because of caregiving.
2) people in their 60s + might not want to caregive for a 90+ year old. This needs no explanation IMO. I’m tapped out in my 50s.
3) some people have no reasons but don’t want to be bothered and that is their choice to make, no matter what you think about it.
4) some people might find your choice to do this for 20 years odd and they might have opinions about it.
5) do you have a plan for when you can’t do this anymore? As you have already seen, it’s going to keep getting worse and worse and worse unless she dies unexpectedly one day.
6) maybe your parent was abusive in some way and siblings feel no regret about their decision to not caregive for their parent.
7) you have sorta kinda made your mom feel dependent on you so now you have this whole side thing going on where she isn’t going to let you bow out easily, even if it is to take the weekend off.
I’ll stop there. It’s a lot on top of a lot to discuss all parts to this.
One of my sisters and I are 5 years apart and we had different experiences. I was the scapegoat and she was the golden child. (We both accept this as true and she and I have a normal sisterly relationship).
She feels differently about our mother than I do— all in a 5 year age difference which you would think on the surface should have been the same experience