My mother is 81yo, good health, but gets anger and defensive when I ask questions about where she goes or who she is with... my father died about 6 years ago. Her behavior has changed drastically since then ( over spending, gambling etc) , new friends whom I have never heard of calling constantly. She let's "her friends" influence her financial decisions. This is upsetting fo , she only seems to call me when she needs help , a ride here or there. At this point, my fear is that someone else has POA , but they are not family. Yes, could be dementia, but doesn't have any symptoms . Prior to my father's death, we never went anywhere other than as family unit. I find this quite upsetting, as she treats me like an acquaintance , not her own flesh & blood. Any thoughts about this please ?
Honestly I would follow her if I were you. I would get a friend or family member to help me and I would follow her. There are always lots of "friends" around when you have cash and are willing to spend it on them. She may have fallen prey to some unscrupulous people who will suck her dry. Then how will she live!
Does she have a trust or do you have Power of Attorney over her finances? If you do great, if not, you have a problem.
Don't shame her for what she is doing but try to form a closer connection with her and let her know these people may be taking advantage of her and you want to protect her. They may be nice people and she is just looking for some fun and companionship as well. FOLLOW HER!
Yep--sounds like dementia at some stage.
Understand, advancing age can cause greater vulnerability to life changes
...like, losing a partner, having to move...can cause an elder to lose ground, become more demented, forget more, get more emotional, become more demented. Major life changes can cause stresses they cannot handle, which cause dementias , Alzheimer's and other ills to suddenly advance/get worse, and stay worse.
SOME elders have had mental instability issues all their lives, having only a few interludes of relative stability during their lives.
Sometimes, elders lose a partner, and get the notion of "why not spend it all? I earned it, I can use it up any old way I please"
...and they are kinda right....not responsible, but they can do that,
even though it can have bad consequences.
All we can do is love them..even though it may need to be from a distance to protect ourselves from being further hurt by them.
Your Mom may feel she had been locked into certain behaviors while married, but now single, she can "have some fun"--it may not look like behaviors you recognize, though.
And it really could be some level of dementia.
But you getting her evaluated?
Since she refuses to let you into her new lifestyle, and treats you more like a distant friend, instead of a family member,
it may be the only thing you can do is call 911 to get them to do well-checks on her,
or, contact Social Services to report a vulnerable elder being taken advantage of.
or, report possible elder abuse regarding those she hangs out with, IF it appears they are taking advantage of her.
...which ultimately does -not- mean you get control of her estate or finances, only, that someone gets involved, and they may instigate necessary helps to protect her best interests.
If that happens, you may, -or not-, be notified or allowed to participate in her affairs.
It can feel emotionally wrenching to lose contact or closeness with a parent.
If she has dementia, you already lost her...the way you describe her treating you, sounds like that.
These losses hurt terribly.
It's like a living death, if the relations used to be close, or even if the relationship was difficult--we still grieve the loss of the parent we still need and wish we had.
No amount of taking care of their affairs can fix that.
They just get increasingly lost in their minds, making it up in scrambled terms as they go along.
All we can do is love them, do what we realistically can, and hope to get others to help them who may be better at it, when a parent cannot recognize us or treat us properly anymore.
Please keep us posted!
When he got to the point he needed visiting nurses coming in, we found out he was paying them extra and there was quite a bit going on that was a problem. He has dementia now but honestly, with his choices and lifestyle -- he must have had it for the last 50-60 years. I honestly think dementia is the new "the devil made me do it" with some people.
It finally all hit the fan when he went to the hospital and ended up in a geriatic mental ward for a week and is now in a nursing home. My husband and I am tired of him dragging our family down. Husband now has POA again. FIL's house is getting a 10K fix and being sold. He is staying where he is so he can't continue to drag all of us down. We even went to our own attorney to ensure he cannot affect our family financially/legally.
Be careful what you get dragged into and protect, protect, protect yourself first.
and work on getting your mother to a neurologist. Have a private conference with the Dr. first, so that your mother will be led to be cooperative. This is in her
best interest because Dementia is progressive and not curable. A diagnosis will give you some confidence about your relationship, her future and may well be a necessary legal tool down the road. My heart wishes you a good outcome
because I've been there, done that and feel your anxiety.
Your Mom can choose to have anyone be her POA. You can still love, support and serve her.
When I thought back about my father, what what looked like drastic changes after his girlfriend died had actually come gradually and had were entirely financial in the beginning and have only now (5 years later) affected his memory. Because there was someone else living with him and compensating for him, I wasn't seeing the effects of the dementia.
It could be that your mom has been on a long, gradual decline but it wasn't noticeable while your father was alive.
I can tell you from personal experience that it's VERY difficult to save someone from themselves when they lose their ability to make good decisions about their finances. If your mom is defensive, it's unlikely you'll get her POA easily. And, even with a POA, she's free to run through her money as she likes unless you really work hard to secure it. My dad had dozens of credit cards going and had entirely run through his assets. Don't let that happen to you.
You might try taking your mom to an elder law attorney. Sometimes, a parent will respect an expert over their child. Be sure to prep the attorney ahead of time to be very cautious in her language so your mom doesn't get spooked and think you're trying to 'control' her.
Safeguards can be put in place to at least minimize the damage your mom can do. For example, if she has all her assets in an accessible form (like mutual funds, etc) you might consider setting up some or all of it in an irrevocable annuity so she would have a monthly income and couldn't blow through any more than the amount of the payment each month.
To get control of my dad's bill paying, I had to change our relationship (threats and tears didn't work). He, like your mom, only contacted me when he wanted something from me. I had to visit him more often (which was hard in the beginning because I was SO angry with him). After awhile, I had more empathy for him and he trusted me more. He still drives me crazy with his habits and spending, but it's much improved from where it was.
Good luck! I feel your pain.
Certainly, you might also consult with an attorney who specializes in elder issues.