My grandmother lives with me. She has 3 daughters who were not able to move her in with them for different reasons. She turns 90 in a few days. She is doing very well for her age. She is vision impaired, uses a walker, and a lot of bathroom emergency type issues. I own a business and I work right now 12 hours a day. My business is next door to my home which is extremely convenient so I am able to work inside my home and be with her all day. I still manage to cook dinner daily, wash her clothes, give her meds, and anything else that she requests daily. Every day as soon as my work day is over, she thinks it’s time that I entertain her. She’s starting to get upset with me as she feels that she’s bored and needs something to do. I’m the only one in the family who will even care for her as she has pushed most of them away due to her selfish demanding ways. I’m too exhausted and I have my husband who I need to find time for as well. I’m also the parent of 2 kids. I’m tired of feeling guilty when I’m simply exhausted and doing all that I can. I’m 41 and my entire body aches daily now, because of the long hours that I’m pulling daily. She was in an independent living facility. She had several falls and a lot of medical issues that we now have under control with my care. She’s lived with me for 2 years now. When I moved her in with me, I promised to care for her. I didn’t promise to entertain her all day every day. I still have to work full time for many years to come. Just this week I worked nonstop without a break from 6am to 8pm. Our business is mostly seasonal and it’s our busy time of year. I just can’t hire and train someone to do what I do. I’ve been running our business since I was 23. So last week I finished work at 8pm. She insist I make her sweet tea. She isn’t even supposed to have sweet tea. I explained to her that I was exhausted and she said well it won’t take that long. After work each day she follows me around the house asking me to do things for her that aren’t important. I finally get a day to rest on Saturday and she ask where we are going and what we are doing. On Sunday I have to prepare for the work week ahead. I’m open to any advice. What am I doing wrong and what can I do for her?
The elderly need to be with people their own age, not isolated in a family members house.
My mother is 99, in AL loves it. Keep that in mind grandma could live to 99, are you ready the spend the next years babysitting your grandmother?
Let her children start looking into AL's, it is their problem to handle not yours.
It's not your job to entertain grandma. Just say NO. No I can't make you sweet tea I am tired, make it yourself. No I am not going anywhere on Saturday, if you want to go out I will call you a cab. It sounds like grandma needs to go to the senior center 2 - 3 times a week so she can be with other people and socialize and be entertained.
I give you credit for stepping up to the plate especially because her own children did not choose to. That is telling about the kind of person your grandmother is.
The situation is as good as it is going to get, it will not improve over time. It will only get worse. Are you ready for that? What is your plan? Is your husband good with all this? How about your kids?
You work very hard and as already said your husband and children MUST come before her. Again...period. End of sentence.
If she doesn't like it you can show her the door and let her know that perhaps an assisted living facility would be best for her as she will be around other folks her own age and they will have lots of activities to keep her very busy.
You have to put your big girl pants on now and learn the art of just saying no. NO, I don't have time to make you tea right now, and NO I can't take you anywhere on Saturday as that is my only day off and I have other things to do.
You owe your grandma NOTHING, so quite feeling guilty when you've done nothing wrong, but step up when no other family members did(as they knew better)and now it's time for you to know better, because when you know better, you can do better.
She needs to be in assisted living or a skilled nursing facility where socialization and entertainment is built in. Home care is only sustainable when it works for you, and it isn't.
But you promised to take care of her until the end, right? Well, you didn't know what you were promising. You didn't know she'd live this long or that you were supposed to subject yourself to the workings of her declining mind (that wants sweet tea because she can't understand now that she isn't supposed to have it). You didn't know she'd get demanding and have dementia symptoms or that you wouldn't have the skills to handle it. You thought you could roll with the punches, but you're not a professional caregiver and are ill-equipped to handle this degree of illness. It happens to a lot of us. No, make that most of us.
You're entitled to a life, and she deserves professional caregivers who understand what to do before it even happens. Please do both of you a favor and move her to a nice facility where she can spend the last years of her life among others of her age and abilities and be happy.
Your local Senior Center may have activities that she might enjoy. You would have to get her there and pick her up.
You could hire a caregiver. If she is resistant to "caregiver" call the person a Companion.
And you are doing nothing wrong.
You can change your mind.
A smart person here once told me that my mother had already had a chance to live her life. Now it was time for me to have mine.
Things change.
Circumstances change.
You can change your mind.
How is this working out for your children?
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