How to get along with a difficult sibling?

Anonymous you asked the same question not too long ago. And you got some good answers at that time. Your mom and your brother aren't going to change, no matter how much you want them to or wish them to. There's a long family history there that is set in concrete. So you need to change your expectations and actions.

What about just letting it go? Let your brother and mother be secretive. Your health needs to take center stage. Worry about getting a handle on your own health and happiness and quit trying to make it dependent on getting your brother and mother to cooperate with your vision of how things should be. You don't get a grocery list? Fine. Don't buy groceries. Let them figure it out. Quit trying to be a mind reader for what groceries your mom needs. Your mom doesn't have a POA or Living Will? Let your brother deal with it when the time comes. You've tried with both of them and got nowhere.

Worrying about these things can be very detrimental to your own health and the health and happiness of your husband. Figure out what you can change in your own life and work on that. Your mother and brother and their behaviors aren't a part of that equation. Let it go.

"I cannot just leave her alone in this because then there would be no food" - are you suggesting that your brother would literally allow your mother to starve to death? What nonsense. Get this: if you and your husband withdraw your co-operation, your brother WILL find an alternative. He will have no choice.

Your husband is free to reject your brother's telephone calls and requests for help. Tell him he can choose either to accept them or not to accept them, but not to complain to you about it afterwards. Or you can continue to pay the emotional price. It's up to you.

Are you sure your husband is not getting angry because he feels that you are choosing to accept responsibility for your mother's care but then passing it all on to him?

Look, this is all about choices. If you and your husband can't support your mother in her own home (and it really sounds as if you can't), and your brother can't either, then it is time for YOUR BROTHER to make better arrangements for your mother's care. If he wants to keep control, he has to take responsibility - which means you have to start refusing to.

So he blames you and is angry with you and dismisses your illness. People behave in very unfair ways sometimes, I'm afraid, and it sounds as if he has been doing so (unchecked by you, I might add, looking over the top of my spectacles) for many, many years. But that doesn't alter practical reality. Let him think what he likes. Meanwhile focus on what you and your husband will and will not contribute to your mother's care…

So, step 1: talk to your husband and agree a new, united front.

I don't think I can say it any better than Countrymouse. Whatever happened when your brother was younger needs to be left in the past. It does not need to be brought into your mother's care. Your brother needs to grow up and that includes taking 100% control of your mother's healthcare. It seems that is the way he and your mother want it. He can not have it both ways when it is convenient for him. Tell or ask your brother to stop calling your husband to do things that are not his responsibility. If you are concerned your mother need food and staples what about buying some things and taking them to her without any list. If she complains it is not what she needs or uses then let her know it would be helpful to have a list but you will continue to buy her things if she doesn't give you a list. Eliminate your brother from the equation when it comes to getting the grocery list. I know you care about your mom but don't make this more difficult on you or your husband. Stop letting your brother walk all over you and take advantage of the two of you.

I have to ask, and I mean no disrespect, if you are from a culture where the males are always in control and the females are subordinates. I was raised Southern and anyone from the Deep South will tell you the guys are the kings or at least were many years ago.

My mother and brother have sort of the same relationship with me. He is in control of everything and I am on nothing. In our case he lives near mom and I do not. But the decision to leave me out of all information, POAs and any decision making was due to her paranoid behavior and miserly distrust of everyone. Since my brother goes along with this nuttiness, he will take care of her. That is the way it will be as long as I am excluded.

You are being manipulated by your brother and his ideas of what you owe him. Your mother is also guilty of not taking responsibility for herself and making sure,things go smoothly for you both. Like my mother, she has set the tone of how her two children treat each other. By disrespecting your feelings, she makes it easy for your brother to disrespect you. Same as my family.

Take care of yourself and let your brother take care of your mother. Until one of them respects you and gives you the respect you deserve, I would do very
little.

I also notice that you seem afraid of upsetting your brother and you seem to be walking on egg shells around him. I did this with my brother until about a year or so ago when, once again, he talked to me as if we some dumb underling who couldn't chew gum,and walk at the same time. He threw it in my face that he had all power because that is what mom wants. I told him fine. And that was it.

He will need me soon and as far as I am concerned he can take a hike. But, I don't have a good relationship with my mother and it is easy for me to disassociate.

I just read little comments in your post that indicate to me you are accustom to taking orders from the male in the family otherwise you would rip him a new one. You don't have to take his behavior.

Your brother is very controlling, not only over your mom but over you as well.

I think sending him the email was fine. In fact, I think sending him another one to tell him that you will be expecting a grocery list from your mom each week is fine too. There's no need for your to run around, chasing him down, in order to get a grocery list from your mom. Set up a day with your brother that he will email you a grocery list. If he doesn't do it, the shopping doesn't get done. That's on him, not you. You're just trying to get mom's shopping done.

Or you could cross your brother totally out of the picture and go to your mom's and see what she needs from the store. With her sitting there ask her, "Mom, do you need more _______?" This is a grocery list, it shouldn't be that difficult for your brother to figure out.

I agree with blannie...just let it go. You have to take care of yourself first. The situation with your brother and your Mother will not change. They are apparently happy with the way things are and so be it.

Let your brother do the shopping and cleaning or he can hire someone. You must get yourself well! That is it...you are the number one priority in your life right now. When you are physically able, you can visit or even mail a card but their life is what it is and you will be all the better to just take care of you and your family.

Best wishes!

Anonymous - I would call your mother's doctors office and ask if you are on the list of people they can give out health information to. If you are not and they tell you it is just your brother then let your brother know he is the person that should be contacted in any emergency when it involves your mother. (I know it is difficult, but if you do not have any power to make decisions on her behalf what can you do.) If you are not listed then your mother does not want you to have access to her health information. I would suggest letting your brother handle all the necessary health issues. Let him take her to the doctors, the ER visits, the labs, the x-rays, etc. Let your brother clean up when there are accidents or have him get a home health agency in to do it. If he asks you to find an agency let him know it is his responsibility to do it not yours. Put the work where it belongs...on him.

If the doctors office says you are on the list to receive health information then you are able to get some information from them that you can't seem to get from your brother. I would ask the office for a print out of her current medicines...her latest clinical summary should contain a list of the medicines. They can print it out for you and you can pick it up when you are able.

You have enough to deal with your own health. Thank goodness you have a husband that is willing to help grocery shop for your mother. (I am sorry you are going through your own health issues and are limited with what you can do and how much you can help.) Please take care of yourself. I do hope you call the doctors office and they tell you that you are able to receive your mother's health information. That would make it so much easier on you.

I would send him another e-mail saying you were just frustrated with the situation and will send him a reminder if needed until it becomes part of his routine. The two of you are just trying to handle the situation without upsetting your mother. Your brother did not refuse to help you get the list, he just came right out and said he may forget and have to be reminded. He also said that big word "please". I think in this case you should cut him some slack and give him a chance to prove himself up to the task.

I completely sympathise with your frustration.

Have you asked him, nicely but unambiguously, to share information such as your mother's doctor's contact details and an overview of her state of health? I understand and agree that confidentiality must be respected, but there is also a balance to be struck with the 'need to know' principle. And somebody who is responsible for her mother's welfare to the extent that you clearly are, does need to know. It is unsatisfactory for you to be picking up information piecemeal: apart from the annoyance to you, it is also potentially dangerous to have little bits of knowledge without the full picture - there could be allergies or contraindications that you are completely unaware of: no fault of yours, but what if you find yourself in ER being expected to approve a certain course of treatment, and no one can get hold of your brother? It's bonkers.

The part about her being happy to ask your brother for things and not you, when you're the one who's actually going to the shops for her - grrrrr. SO annoying. My mother plays this game, too, and it particularly drives me up the wall because no matter how shiny his knight's armour is my brother very rarely appears on the radar.

I like E/lass's idea of taking her routine grocery list in hand: would you be able to get into her kitchen, have a good scout about, and perhaps devise a check list of staples that she can tick when she's running out? Maybe do a bit of menu planning with her, too? Have a quick glance through the bathroom cabinets? You should be able to get to a reasonably reliable idea of what she needs and how often.

Do not feel guilty about your email. Getting tetchy might not have been ideal, but I cannot see that you were wrong to point out that you cannot know when something might escape your brother's memory. I agree with Megan that the 'please' was promising. Maybe routine would help here, too; try to get him into the habit of regular contact. It really does sound as if he's being hopeless rather than secretive - I know it doesn't make it any less irritating, but at least it's not actively hostile or intentionally obstructive.

Reassuring your mother on the subject of money, especially if it isn't a real problem, will get repetitive and tedious no matter what you do. Keep receipts, cost out shopping lists, all of those "Good Housekeeping" things we're meant to do anyway, and be prepared to go through them with her item by item. You could try pointing out that well-planned shopping is a good economy, but if she's a worrier she will continue to worry.

Sorry, what exactly went on with the 'accident'? Your mother called him, he called you - and for some reason mistook you for the local charladies' agency? If that's what happened, I can't help you because that's the point at which I would be getting extremely sarcastic. But if your mother called him - the righter of all wrongs, her very present help in time of trouble - because she was upset and embarrassed, and he called you because he thought she might be less embarrassed by your help (oh my! Thanks for the compliment…); well, then the best thing to do is, yes, to sweep in, clear up and magically vanish again without a cross word to anyone. Maybe add, with a smile, "mother, next time just call me and don't worry about it."

I hope you do live quite close to her, do you, though? Because if not, if this means significant travel time, then forget it - it's time to consider purchasing outside support for her. Imagine somebody else were describing this situation to you, consider what you think is fair and manageable, and then stick to your guns. We all want to be flexible, helpful and kind; but don't volunteer to be the family doormat.