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My 90 year old father is unable to live alone. I live in a different state and he had previously agreed to move down to live w me, and I bought plane tickets for oct 1. Today he has stated he "isn't going anywhere" he's going to sell his house and move back to the country he was born in. I tried to suggest we go see if he likes winter w me then he can come back. He refused and I dropped it.

He has dementia, delusions, hallucinations, gets extremely anxious around money, won't pay for anyone to come in and help--I'm free and he regularly tells me he doesn't need me and to pack up and go. He is on an anti psychotic to control the rages. He is steadily losing weight, won't eat much, I give him ensure to make sure he gets some calories, and his meds daily- he doesn't take them by himself, the house was a pig sty when I got here 5 months ago, with hardened feces on the floor. He won't shower but once a week, stays in same clothes for days. I can't continue to stay here for the rest of his life--his brother lived to be 94 and an aunt to 107. I have two care facilities where I live that will take him. How do I get him to my home state?

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Wow! There's no way in the world I would even consider putting my Dad on an airplane. With his AD he is would be much too agitated for me to handle, for other passengers, for the airplane personnel, etc. (Unless he was totally knocked out and I wouldn't want to do that either). I agree with the prior poster -- moving him by car would be much more feasible. At least you'd be able to make stops along the way (how far away do you live from each other?). Kind of hard to do that in an airplane...
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Yikes! Have you talked to his doctor about this -- the one who prescribed the anti psychotic? Is there a one-time drug that would calm him/sedate him enough to get through this trip?

Would a car trip be more feasible? Is there someone else who could ride with you? (I wouldn't do it alone.)

I wish you success!
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OMG NO do NOT put him on an airplane. Besides his behavior, the variation in cabin pressure can be very bad for him, make him permanently worse. Nor can he be alone anymore, get him into a secure memory care facility ASAP. Moving him in with you will burn you up in a month.
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This question was posed on another thread and it was suggested that they rent an RV and transport the elderly person that way. Your dad could sleep (I'd get him some kind of sedative to basically knock him out for the trip) and you could have him lying down. I wouldn't try a plane in a million years either - he might wind up being arrested for disturbing the airline personnel and you wouldn't want that. He needs to go by car or maybe even train, if you could research that. But the RV idea (with someone else along with you) is the best idea I've heard.
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I like the ideas the others have written. How many states would you have to drive through? Definitely get someone to come with you. Also, the idea of getting him on a tranquiler for the trip is really good. Instead of fighting with him, could you tell him you're going to drive him to the country he was born in? I have no idea where he's at with the dementia, but sometimes this works wonders. Saying something like, "Dad, we're going to start on that trip you wanted to take, and I'm going to drive with you" might keep him calm. My Dad drove across the country with my mother when she had Alzheimer's. My brother went on the trip with them to help out, and it all went just fine. It was a lot of work, but she accepted it and remained calm.
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If he is psychotic you do not need him to even be living with you.
Make arrangements for him to live in some supervised care.
Or else we may well be reading your obituary.
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the Train! if it runs from his state to yours, I took my 82 yr old husband on a plane, plane itself was not the problem, TSA pat down almost got us both arrested - airport was deffinately the worst part

I go along with Ann1958 in stepping into his world and agreeing going back to his country is the best idea, then work out your transportation as he will not know the difference once you get to your home state, but however you do it take a third person with you, I'm so afraid of him opening the front door of the car while I'm driving, kid locks only work for the back doors. Good Luck
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I agree with the couple of posters who suggested entering his fantasy of returning to the old country. You gotta do what you gotta do.
Also, and this may sound harsh, I wonder what the point is of trying to get him to drink Ensure or even to shower often. As a friend of mine once put it bluntly, it sounds like Dad has "lived past his expiration date." Let nature take over and let him enjoy the process as much as possible. A washcloth is all that's needed to maintain a reasonable level of hygiene and he'll eat if he wants to. If he doesn't, let him be. I know there are many others who feel differently, but my opinion is that dying isn't a disease it's a natural process and attempting to stop it only causes suffering and in some cases is just plain torture.
"Lean in" is a popular expression these days and I find it helps me to remind myself to do that with my Dad. Instead of pushing back or pulling in a direction that I want him to go, things tend to go better if I just see things how he is seeing them (as best as I can) and go with it.
p.s. If you do decide to drive, do as JennyM suggests and put him in the back seat, passenger side. I'd add the precaution of putting some duct tape over the seat belt connection, just enough to give yourself time to pull over in the event that he starts to try to unbuckle and reach over the seat or get out of the car.
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When hubby is really sick and I have to transport him, I put him in the back seat with pillows and blanket. Kid locks work in back seat. He tried to open car door on the interstate and luckily the seat belt held him in until I could pull off on the median and put him in back seat. Thank goodness he didn't struggle or try to run for it on the side of the highway!
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Some great replies here. Please do not make this trip alone. Do you know of any nurse that could make the trip with you? I agree with the posters that strongly advised AGAINST air travel. Especially now with TSA pat downs! As a retired psych nurse, a pat down could unglue a psychotic patient, especially with all the other issues with your dad. Getting "into his world" as someone wisely suggested is the way to go. Delusions at any age cannot be reasoned away. I will keep you in my prayers, and please keep us posted as to what the outcome will be. Hugs!
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