My 90 year old father is unable to live alone. I live in a different state and he had previously agreed to move down to live w me, and I bought plane tickets for oct 1. Today he has stated he "isn't going anywhere" he's going to sell his house and move back to the country he was born in. I tried to suggest we go see if he likes winter w me then he can come back. He refused and I dropped it.
He has dementia, delusions, hallucinations, gets extremely anxious around money, won't pay for anyone to come in and help--I'm free and he regularly tells me he doesn't need me and to pack up and go. He is on an anti psychotic to control the rages. He is steadily losing weight, won't eat much, I give him ensure to make sure he gets some calories, and his meds daily- he doesn't take them by himself, the house was a pig sty when I got here 5 months ago, with hardened feces on the floor. He won't shower but once a week, stays in same clothes for days. I can't continue to stay here for the rest of his life--his brother lived to be 94 and an aunt to 107. I have two care facilities where I live that will take him. How do I get him to my home state?
Would a car trip be more feasible? Is there someone else who could ride with you? (I wouldn't do it alone.)
I wish you success!
Make arrangements for him to live in some supervised care.
Or else we may well be reading your obituary.
I go along with Ann1958 in stepping into his world and agreeing going back to his country is the best idea, then work out your transportation as he will not know the difference once you get to your home state, but however you do it take a third person with you, I'm so afraid of him opening the front door of the car while I'm driving, kid locks only work for the back doors. Good Luck
Also, and this may sound harsh, I wonder what the point is of trying to get him to drink Ensure or even to shower often. As a friend of mine once put it bluntly, it sounds like Dad has "lived past his expiration date." Let nature take over and let him enjoy the process as much as possible. A washcloth is all that's needed to maintain a reasonable level of hygiene and he'll eat if he wants to. If he doesn't, let him be. I know there are many others who feel differently, but my opinion is that dying isn't a disease it's a natural process and attempting to stop it only causes suffering and in some cases is just plain torture.
"Lean in" is a popular expression these days and I find it helps me to remind myself to do that with my Dad. Instead of pushing back or pulling in a direction that I want him to go, things tend to go better if I just see things how he is seeing them (as best as I can) and go with it.
p.s. If you do decide to drive, do as JennyM suggests and put him in the back seat, passenger side. I'd add the precaution of putting some duct tape over the seat belt connection, just enough to give yourself time to pull over in the event that he starts to try to unbuckle and reach over the seat or get out of the car.
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