My grandmother-in-law was being evicted this past January, my husband refused to let her go to a homeless shelter and posed the question of her moving in with us. However, this meant I had less than 12 hours to decide if she could and he was not willing to discuss any future issues that could arise or other options. So, she moved in and has been with us for 3 months now. We have two kids 4 and 2 and another on the way due next month. We also have 2 dogs (which she hates). She walks around my house with a knife in her hand to "protect" herself from the dogs (who have NEVER done anything to anyone). She has already raised her fist at my youngest son because she thought it was the dog touching her. She lets them run away on a constant basis. Plus, my husband thinks she can watch my kids while we are gone, which means they are essentially not monitored or only allowed to watch TV for the majority of the day. She eats way more than she puts in, increased our electric bill by 200 because she doesn't know how to shut anything off, and can never afford the "rent" we ask for to help out. On top of everything else, she is dirty. She leaves trash and dirty dishes everywhere, including on the floor. She makes a mess in the bathroom, doesn't clean behind herself in the kitchen even so much as to wipe the counters. Everyday I come home to something broken and a disaster.
I have been trying to get my husband to realize I am stressed. I dread coming home and frankly wouldn't if my kids weren't here. I hate being gone over 12 hours and have to come home to clean up after a grown woman. Then my husband spends hours outside or in her room talking with her instead of spending time with our family. I have the summer off and need her gone by the time I am home all day with her and have a new baby. I want to feel like it is my house again and not her's and my husband's. I want to have a place I can go to relax and not be bothered. My husband however, tells me that I am incredibly selfish for wanting her to move out and that I need to consider his feelings. He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay. I have to be the one to talk to her because he refuses.
I am at such a loss! I feel miserable and I don't know how to get rid of her without my husband resenting me, but I know I can barely manage to make it through another month with her here. Please help!!
My mom lives with us. It’s hard.
Make sure grandma is in a safe place and visit if you like, or let your husband. Tell your husband that you miss family time and you and the kids need him. Grandma is not top priority. She can still hold a place in her grandson’s heart but not above his own family.
Why does she not not pick up after herself? Is she not able to.
A knife? My lord, to protect herself from the dog? A bit much.
I guess you coud try putting signs up to turn things off or pay higher bills.
Good luck. Help hubby look for assisted living or nursing home.
Ask her to help with kitchen duties and meal planning. Incorporate your kids to plan meals with grandma and some light activities. Have her help walk the dogs. Walk with her.
Grandma wants attention, perhaps she is acting up for that reason. Find local activities for senior citizens at the library or call social services. Perhaps get her involved in the local botanical gardens club, or tea time club, etc.. Get her busy in some kind of hobby.
"She has already raised her fist at my youngest son. . . "
I think you must already know deep down that this situation is completely crazy. Your description of her does not sound like someone who should be left alone with children, and possibly not your dogs either.
I'm not sure where you can go from here if your husband is refusing to do anything. Would he go to counseling with you to discuss this, or to a clergy person/pastor? Maybe you should consult a divorce attorney about what kind of support you could get if you separated? Is there someplace you could take the kids and live there for awhile in the hope that your husband might come to his senses? Would granny-from-hell even agree to leave if you could through your county's Area Agency on Aging possibly find her low-cost senior housing?
Does she have diagnosed mental health issues, or drug issues or. . . Where are her children in this?
I'm very sorry that you are in this situation, and with a baby on the way. This has got to be extremely stressful, and you don't need extra stress right now!
tell husband it’s Granny or me and the kids. Straight up
have your backup plan ready if he chooses his grandmother. At least you will know your place in his heart
She is not going to get better. She will get worse. You have to step in to protect your kids and dogs if your husband won’t!
You may need to call police and get them to remove her from the home— thus getting her for a mental evaluation and then straight into a nursing home.
Tell your husband either she goes, or he goes. I’m serious. This is frightening.
Yup! Sounds good to me :)
Gather together everything you know about the dear lady into a sort of dossier, then contact your area's social services and start handing her over to them. Given her mental health issues and her challenging behaviours and her age and her track record of homelessness, she is going to be eligible for all kinds of support, some of which you will not have known existed.
Your husband doesn't want to be the bad cop. I'm sure you don't either! - but if that's what it's going to take, would it bother you that much? I don't think it would me. And in his secret heart, I suspect you'll find it actually won't bother your husband that his grandmother is properly accommodated somewhere appropriate for her needs.
Move our, get a divorce attorney too!
Seriously, counseling is in order for you all. He thinks she's a sweet old lady who helps with the kids. You think she's a dangerous menace. She needs a place to live. There's got to be a workable solution, which IMO is she moves out of your home. But perhaps ground rules could be agreed upon that you could try living with--This is what an independent counselor could help with. Whoever can't accept or abide by reasonable standards of family behavior just leaves the home. Gramma, husband, or you. This needs to be resolved before you have the next kid, so get crackin'.
Just another thought, DCS probably would not approve of children living in a home where someone carries a knife in hand for "protection." They might offer you (and Daddy) some advice.
If Husband and Gramma refuse to be reasonable, Pandabear is right.
If Gramma can't go to a homeless shelter, tell him you and the kids will.
Hate to say it, but your husband is a coward. She is his responsibility and he must find suitable placement for her ASAP. And he calls you "selfish" because you want to protect your kids. What a wimp!
Seriously, area agency for the aging should be able to give you some options - you have to get her out and as soon as possible. And get her psychiatric treatment - why was she evicted? Does she routinely trash her environment? She is plain dangerous and creating health hazards and child abuse. If husband will not listen, I'd consider legal steps. Hopefully social workers can advise you and posters on this forum will have advice too. Stand strong and protect those kids. They are probably scared silly of her walking around with a knife. First the dogs, then we are next. That's how little kids think.
You don't seriously leave your 2 and 4 year old with her while you are at work, right, I miss understood that, right?
I usually feel all kinds of understanding in these hard situations but not when children and animals are put at risk because no one wants to be the bad guy.
Your husband is an awful role model for your children, he is says that great grandma and her comfort come before the safety of my family, you have to feel so loved by this wimpy little boy that has unfortunately fathered 3 children.
I would kick her out the door for even thinking that stabbing my dogs was any solution to her irrational fear. Let alone if she actually did it, she would be done with this world.
You need to remove your children from this situation, like yesterday. If something happens you will probably face charges, you leave your kids with her and that means you are complacent. Not threatening you at all, please don't take it that way, but it is reality, watch the news. People are doing all kinds of crazy stuff and the law is starting to crack down hard.
I just can't understand endangering your children because grandma has made life long bad choices. Grow some buddy and protect your kids and wife.
This is not a situation where grandma just needs time to adjust. This is seriously dangerous. It’s got to be so heartbreaking that the husband is okay with all this and is happy to sacrifice his marriage and family. He can have her! You won’t get her to move out unless it’s via police and get her Baker acted.
She is going to stab, beat, and/or kill your dogs— and she won’t mind doing it in front of your kids. You HAVE TO protect yourself and your family NOW. Call the police and get her Baker acted. NOW.
At 66 she should be receiving SS and Medicare. There maybe HUD apartment complex in your area. The ones in my area are fairly nice. They require 30% of your income for rent. Electric and TV are your responsibility. The one in my community the transit bus comes to. Also, Office of Aging has a bus for shopping and appointments. She could get food stamps. She could get Medicaid as secondary insurance. Then she would have dental and vision. Scripts would be a low copay.
Husband may not be happy. He isn’t supportive of his wife and kids. At this point, who cares about hubby’s happiness. The safety of the children and mom who deserves not to be stressed during this pregnancy is the most important.
Leaving with her kids will be tough, but it’s much better than her kids witnessing animal abuse/torture or them getting tortured themselves.
You have to solve the problem with your husband first before the granny-from-hell problem can be solved. You two really really need marriage counseling. Try your best to get him into counseling with you.
Your husband tried to play hero saving a damsel in distress, but what he brought home was a crazy distressed damsel. And he doesn't care who's paying the price. He has forgotten his responsibility as a husband and a father because he's busy playing a heroic dutiful grandson.
Perhaps, a good therapist, if you attend church, a pastor or priest. or an older relative that you both respect can help talk some sense into the grandson who doesn't know he has to be a father and a husband first.
He can help granny, but it doesn't mean his wife and young children pay the price.
Barring that, you may wind up taking the dogs and moving out, since it appears husband is not going to go against Grandma.
Her son is in jail and no one else is in a position to take her in (not that we are).
I think my husband has been making me feel like I'm the one who is crazy and mean for not wanting her to stay with us. I believe it would be different if my kids were grown and she needed help, but I truly am exhausted.
Best to know what kind of man or boy now.
Usually means you do leave your kids with her, correct?
This is called "having no boundaries" and it may be the way he grew up.
It is unhealthy.
"If I am not for myself, then who will be? And when?"
That's a quote from about 2100 years ago, by a very wise man.
Her kids are young enough to do that. Some don’t take older teens.
I personally know at least 6 women that have stayed at them with their kids. Very sad. But they were so grateful to have the shelter. I donate to them occasionally when I can. They like personal items, something to lift their spirits, nail polish, make up, hair stuff, small toys and books for the kids, etc.
Its not only sleazy men who abuse their wives. Two of the women I know were doctor’s wives. They lived in mansions but were at peace at the women’s shelter. They also drove up to the food bank in their BMW’s and got care packages. When survival mode kicks in, pride goes out the window. Loving moms will do anything for their kids.
Does that mean all the female relatives on his side of the family carry knives around and are complete slobs? Just curious.
I would put my foot down about you having to clean up after little miss piggy, she is so flipping wonderful, have at grandson because you want her here, you get to deal with all the work she creates.
I have no patience with pigs, I would traumatize the old bag for leaving MY HOUSE a pigsty. What kind of house guest does that. Don't answer, it's rhetorical.
Do you have anyone that can and will help you? This situation will not get better, she has already set him and you at odds, she feels like wonder woman and who knows what she will pull next.
She flat out needs to go or you do with the kids.
I guarntee if I went to jail, my kids would/could not take in my mom, nor would I want them to.
https://seniorresourceswmi.org/resources/
From their website:
"Tell us your story. . . We're here to help.
Call one of our trained Options Counselors: (231) 733-3585 or 1-800-442-0054 . . .
We will listen to your unique life situation, present options, and help guide you to information and resources. We can help with eligibility for government supported programs, application processes, options for long-term care services, and we can serve as a neutral source for aging-related information."
I see from the website that the phone line is open Monday-Friday, 8 AM to 4 PM.