My grandmother-in-law was being evicted this past January, my husband refused to let her go to a homeless shelter and posed the question of her moving in with us. However, this meant I had less than 12 hours to decide if she could and he was not willing to discuss any future issues that could arise or other options. So, she moved in and has been with us for 3 months now. We have two kids 4 and 2 and another on the way due next month. We also have 2 dogs (which she hates). She walks around my house with a knife in her hand to "protect" herself from the dogs (who have NEVER done anything to anyone). She has already raised her fist at my youngest son because she thought it was the dog touching her. She lets them run away on a constant basis. Plus, my husband thinks she can watch my kids while we are gone, which means they are essentially not monitored or only allowed to watch TV for the majority of the day. She eats way more than she puts in, increased our electric bill by 200 because she doesn't know how to shut anything off, and can never afford the "rent" we ask for to help out. On top of everything else, she is dirty. She leaves trash and dirty dishes everywhere, including on the floor. She makes a mess in the bathroom, doesn't clean behind herself in the kitchen even so much as to wipe the counters. Everyday I come home to something broken and a disaster.
I have been trying to get my husband to realize I am stressed. I dread coming home and frankly wouldn't if my kids weren't here. I hate being gone over 12 hours and have to come home to clean up after a grown woman. Then my husband spends hours outside or in her room talking with her instead of spending time with our family. I have the summer off and need her gone by the time I am home all day with her and have a new baby. I want to feel like it is my house again and not her's and my husband's. I want to have a place I can go to relax and not be bothered. My husband however, tells me that I am incredibly selfish for wanting her to move out and that I need to consider his feelings. He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay. I have to be the one to talk to her because he refuses.
I am at such a loss! I feel miserable and I don't know how to get rid of her without my husband resenting me, but I know I can barely manage to make it through another month with her here. Please help!!
Grandma's reality, especially, is that she is finding the family environment hostile and stressful; and not because there's anything wrong with this family, not at all, but because grandma's idea of security and personal space depends on being in a completely different environment, one where there aren't any little children or friendly dogs, but where there is adult support on hand to assist her without intruding on her.
But it's a hard thing to admit that you can't make your grandma comfortable. He just needs to do that without thinking anyone is to blame for it.
love and blessings, Elizabeth
Please go to a friend or relative. It has nothing to do with your husband and GIL (well, technically), but the move is for the health of your kids, you, and dogs' health and safety.
Get them out today or they may not cover everything, it's called mitigating the damages and if you don't do your part, ie getting it dealt with asap, then they can say that xyz isn't covered because you let it go to long.
She has declared war with you, 1st your house, what next? Is your husband really willing to let you or your children be injured by this crazy woman? Grandma or not, she has proven she is dangerous and she is knowingly being a pita.
Homes after sitting in that rotting, stinking, filthy water became infested with black mold that wrecked havoc with people’s health! I realize our situation in New Orleans is an extreme example of mold but even in milder cases it’s bad. I have a severe allergy to mold.
Houses in New Orleans ended up needing to be gutted or as in my mom’s case and other severe cases, homes were demolished. They were beyond repair.
Nikki, please get out. No telling what this woman will end up doing! You, kids and pets deserve so much better. Please, I beg you to leave and not look back!
One other thing, staph infections were rampant here after dealing with the unsanitary conditions. Staph is nasty!
Grandma needs to be put away somewhere! I guarantee she would cause nightmares anywhere she goes but it shouldn’t be your problem!
Okay. So you and your husband were away together. He therefore accepts that you have an alibi? You return to find Granny Noah afloat in your house. She explains, then by the next day has got her story straight - it wasn't she who flooded the floor, it was YOU!
Has your husband now fully grasped that darling grandmama is a few fries short of a Happy Meal?
Have you had any luck establishing potentially useful contacts? - because this is the moment to stick their phone numbers under his nose.
Now my house smells like mildew and her room smells like rotting food. My husband, on his own accord, started cleaning her room. She sent him away and cleaned some more then pulled me to the side. She informed me that tol get her out I need to go to court with her. That she will not just leave. My husband walked in at the end of the conversation and told her to go to bed.
Unfortunately, it is only my husband's name on the house, so I'm assuming he has to be the one because I have no rights....
Thanks for the update. The fact that your name is not on the House doesn’t mean you don’t have rights. Mi is an equitable property rights state. Your GM inlaw sounds like she has been evicted before and knows the law. She knows that you will have to evict her. Too bad your husband is going to have to learn the hard way that she is in control and not him. He probably thinks he is.
I feel very bad for you. A baby due and the other children to consider. I know it makes it very difficult to leave. She is toxic to you, your marriage, your family and your husband.
The protective order might be worth considering. Can you go to the police station and speak to them? A very pregnant woman is hard to ignore.
Hopefully you have family and/or friends, and have not been cut off from them.
This situation is IMMEDIATELY dangerous for your children, your soon-to-be newborn ... and for *yourself* (the only grownup on the scene). Not to mention the dogs (can someone take them for awhile?).
I am so, so sorry to have to say this ... BUT ... you need to find some way out of there, like, *yesterday*. Wherever there is help, NOW is the time to call for it.
Once you're in a safe(r) perch ... be it with family/friends, or a domestic violence shelter ... THEN is the time to seek an elder lawyer who can guide you through any other steps you need to take to protect YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.
(FULL DISCLOSURE: Way back in the Jurassic, my mother had to make a similar decision. If she hadn't acted, I probably wouldn't be here to write this hard post.)
Not a praying person, but my best vibes and thoughts are with you.
There are 3 options and none are great.
1. She calls cops and gets grandma Baker acted. Husband will blame and resent her, causing more strife. And after hold expires, grandma may be right back home. Husband will stick up for grandma.
2. OP does nothing and grandma hurts kids and/or dogs. Husband will make excuse for grandma, or pin blame on OP with a “well if you hadn’t bothered her...”
3. OP takes kids and dogs and refuses to come back until grandma is out. Causes emotional pain for OP and kids (better than stabbing, I’d think). I think both OP and the husband know Grandma is a permanent resident.
It comes down to a ticking time bomb of a crazy woman IN YOUR HOUSE. There is nothing to negotiate.
Grandma WILL hurt the dogs first... do you want your kids to see this? Hear your beloved dogs scream in pain, fear and shock when she stabs them? Because she is ready to do just that with little to no provocation.
Right now, NOW, safety is paramount. And this home is not safe for any of you.
Do you have family? If so, you call your Mom & Dad and come clean with them about this monster you are married to, then go stay with them if possible. I would not subject children to this crap..even if you don't have sense of self preservation. They are innocent and cannot save themselves. Counseling cannot fix this guy. You got a raw deal when you married him. They are all awesome for the first six months before they start the cycle of abuse (mental or physical).
Only someone who has been (metaphorically) beaten down like this would have any conflict in leaving. Husband knows it, too.
Please look into senior housing or some of the other suggestions made on this thread - they are all trying to be helpful. I also think that calling someone in your area on aging - help groups that might have some input.
I have never seen so many responses to any one on this forum before like there has been such an outpouring of helpfulness to you. I wish you the best - please let us know how you make out.
You need to get all the facts...the legal system is very unforgiving, so please make sure that you do everything by the law so that you who is being stressed out and is the real victim here don't end up getting the raw end of this situation. I pray that you will find a way to solve this situation, and unfortunately though in my previous response I suggested somethings, I feel that it is not my place to have done so. Having said this please try to get some legal help as well as counseling for you and your spouse to get through this situation and still remain as a family. Praying for all good things to happen for you and everyone in your family.
If DH granma is walking around with any knife, and as you state, has already raised her fist to your young child, i would have already called 911 to let them know she is mentally unstable and has a weapon and has threatened your children. Let them baker act her and then your husband needs to step up and be a man and tell the hospital she cannot come back to your home!!! They will have to find a place somewhere for her, hopefully where she will get meds and therapy!!!you must protect your children and animals because its very apparent your husband wont.....some how, some way, he needs a good dose of reality!!!
I sure hope you can get her out of there in the next day or two !!! Love and blessings to you 💖
You are gone 12 hours a day at work?
Your husband, is he the son of grandmother's son, or what is the relationship between your husband and grandmother's son? Because grandmother's son is in jail, maybe they are talking over the family business or the stresses of having a family member in jail. Maybe your husband has no choice, and was ordered to take her in? It is understandable that the family dynamics could be dysfunctional, or even scary. Scarier than you are aware after at least 4 years married?
However, YOU CAN do this:
1) Immediately remove all knives and weapons from the residence. ALL, even taking grandmother's knife away. That is your right. Just don't serve any food needing a sharp knife to cut.
2) Move in another person who will be on your side and protect you and the children, preferably your family member, staying temporarily "to help" with the new baby and the children. Do this by doubling up people in their bedrooms.......It is only temporary. Bring in this person of your choice now.
3) Take maternity leave now, this is way too stressful for you to be pregnant and away from home. Take care of family business and help move grandma out.
4) Take your relationship with your husband back.
with all the responses here, if this message hasn’t gotten through to you Then I guess you will just wait till there is a stabbing or worse?
You will likely lose your kids to Social Services if you do not act now to protect them.
Wake up.
Your husband is gaslighting you.
Wake up.
he abuses you because he can. And yes, gaslighting is abuse.
She may be feeling powerless right now, and can't blame her, with everything she is dealing with at once. I realize I don't know the OP and can only go by what's written here... but I sense she's been worn down long before this.
"Will sign up for counseling" or "he just needs to change his priorities" or "we stay upstairs" are not solutions when there is a very mentally unstable woman roaming the house with a knife AND a hair-trigger temper!!
He has grandma on the same level of family as wife and kids. That indicates he will not kick her out or get her placed anywhere. Grandma is not going to settle down or change. She will get worse. Kids and pets WILL be hurt. The family WILL spiral down into more dysfunction.
It may just take her leaving with the kids for a short time for him to understand she's serious about "it's her or us".
She is also under terrible stress. Did I read elsewhere that her son is in jail? She's been evicted. She was within a whisker of resorting to a homeless shelter. She is now in a home where she continues to feel under threat, and where even she cannot have not noticed that she is not entirely welcome.
F*** selfish! - the next time he says that. HE is being negligent of HER needs. His grandmother needs secure housing, stability, and support from properly qualified people. Is he just going to ignore that?
What he is being is wilfully blind, hoping that this will sort itself out, not caring if it doesn't as long as he can stay out of it, content to blame you or anyone else so long as he doesn't have to get into discussions where he's out of his depth.
Who have you spoken to about her, her specifically? Remember, because it's important - you do not need her permission to ask for advice about her.
Your husband is being irresponsible and selfish. What kind of grown woman goes to live with relatives and doesn't try to help with finances and chores? Why is she not HELPING with the cooking and housecleaning instead of making a pregnant young mother clean up after her? Granny is a slob and a parasite.
If granny is thinking about buying a house, surely she can afford rent on her own. Most towns have a housing authority that can assist with rent payment.
Why was granny evicted to begin with? Sounds like she created her own dysfunctional family; Nikki, do not let her do the same to your family! Do you have any family or friends close where you could stay or at least have some emotional support?
Can your husband tell you why she shouldn't have to clean up after herself? That isn't even good sense, everyone in a house should clean up after themselves, it's called respect.
If she can afford to buy a house, she should be able to go to an extended stay place for the next 6 months or at least hire a housekeeper to help out. Since she doesn't clean up, you will need to be creative in dealing with this situation until you are in a better position to make long term decisions.
I would demand that someone comes in at her expense at least weekly. I would find a senior center that has transportation and demand that she goes at least 2 days a week when the baby comes so you can have your house while on maternity leave.
The ideal solution is to get her out, but with the opposition from your husband you need to find a compromise that you can live with for the next several months.
Can you tell grandma that she needs to clean up after herself? Or does she even acknowledge you?
Try to be joyful with the new addition to your family and do one day at a time for now.
You are not and you never were being selfish. I hope marriage counseling goes well for you. It’s sad that you and your children are isolated to being upstairs. I understand why you have to isolate yourself though.
It makes me wonder what the children think and how they feel about not being able to feel safe in their own home, not to mention how much they love you as their mom and don’t want you to be isolated either.
It’s not like they can have a healthy relationship with this woman, nor can you. I hope the therapist can convince your husband that there is no benefit to helping her because of the damage it has caused for your family, including your husband. He can’t be happy with all of you isolated upstairs.
He does not want to be a husband or dad, and maybe never did. Now he just wants to be the valiant grandson who rescued grandma.
He hasn’t changed his priorities after marriage, two kids and another coming, so why would he change now? He’s had all this time to put you & kids first and he is not interested. He assumes you just need to put up with it, because it’s what HE wants.
She is not going to leave. Do you really want to wait and allow something to happen? Because it is a matter of time. And when— not IF, WHEN— you can very easily lose your kids via CPS since you didn’t get your kids to safety. Do you think he will stick up for you when that happens? If you feel guilt over leaving (even temporarily), it will be nothing compared to guilt you will feel when she hurts your kids or dogs, knowing that it could have been prevented.
This isn’t just annoying or a temporary inconvenience. YOU ARE IN DANGER.
YOUR KIDS ARE IN DANGER.
YOUR DOGS ARE IN DANGER.
IF YOUR HUSBAND WILL NOT PROTECT THEM, YOU HAVE TO!
THIS IS NOT SAFE.
i would really like to know how it is working out for you
Maybe it's my conservative Christian roots showing but I'm also not comfortable advising someone to end a marriage (particularly one involving 3 children) over a young husband acting really dumb, or at least not while there's still a chance of educating him. OP doesn't state that DH has physically abused her or the children or deliberately emotionally abused them; only that he wants his grandmother to have a home and isn't understanding the stress this is putting on his wife or the dangerous environment grandma is creating for his wife and children. I respect the posters who feel risking his family is enough for an ultimatum and a divorce if necessary and I completely agree if the husband cannot come to see his first consideration and loyalty belongs to his young children and their mother. I would just be more comfortable if that advice was stated more as an end game after attempting to work things out. Separation and a counter ultimatum (I'm not coming home until it's safe for my children) might be better immediate advice for the OP, or maybe just something she is more ready to hear. Just my point of view, I realize that one of the greatest strengths of this forum is the variety of views expressed. If you find anything in this posting offensive, please accept my apology because that is definitely not my intention.
The advice is harsh, maybe even radical. But an armed mentally ill woman in the home is beyond an annoyance or just giving time to adjust.
Call me silly, but I would get to safety and call the cops on any unhinged, knife wielding person down the street, let alone in my house!