My grandmother-in-law was being evicted this past January, my husband refused to let her go to a homeless shelter and posed the question of her moving in with us. However, this meant I had less than 12 hours to decide if she could and he was not willing to discuss any future issues that could arise or other options. So, she moved in and has been with us for 3 months now. We have two kids 4 and 2 and another on the way due next month. We also have 2 dogs (which she hates). She walks around my house with a knife in her hand to "protect" herself from the dogs (who have NEVER done anything to anyone). She has already raised her fist at my youngest son because she thought it was the dog touching her. She lets them run away on a constant basis. Plus, my husband thinks she can watch my kids while we are gone, which means they are essentially not monitored or only allowed to watch TV for the majority of the day. She eats way more than she puts in, increased our electric bill by 200 because she doesn't know how to shut anything off, and can never afford the "rent" we ask for to help out. On top of everything else, she is dirty. She leaves trash and dirty dishes everywhere, including on the floor. She makes a mess in the bathroom, doesn't clean behind herself in the kitchen even so much as to wipe the counters. Everyday I come home to something broken and a disaster.
I have been trying to get my husband to realize I am stressed. I dread coming home and frankly wouldn't if my kids weren't here. I hate being gone over 12 hours and have to come home to clean up after a grown woman. Then my husband spends hours outside or in her room talking with her instead of spending time with our family. I have the summer off and need her gone by the time I am home all day with her and have a new baby. I want to feel like it is my house again and not her's and my husband's. I want to have a place I can go to relax and not be bothered. My husband however, tells me that I am incredibly selfish for wanting her to move out and that I need to consider his feelings. He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay. I have to be the one to talk to her because he refuses.
I am at such a loss! I feel miserable and I don't know how to get rid of her without my husband resenting me, but I know I can barely manage to make it through another month with her here. Please help!!
Your husband needs to grow up, tell his mother she needs to leave and until she does clean up after her. Why is that your job? If he has that little respect for you , you need to have a serious chat with him. If he won’t make her move, he needs to take care of her needs and bills. Just guessing but a week or two of that that may change his opinion of how fast she needs to go lol!
May sound harsh but you are his immediate family. Are there siblings that can help with her? It shouldn’t fall on a daughter in law when she has her own kid/kids.
Is it possible to get to a women's shelter? Do you have any other family or friends who are watching this and are offering to take you and your children in?
Eventually, someone is going to call the Police or Child Protection Services with a tip about your in-law running around with a knife, verbally / emotionally abusing you or your children and physically abusing your pets. In the meantime, if your husband is not going to respond positively to this situation, you need to take action to save you, your children and especially your unborn child. If you cannot get long term assistance into a women's shelter or with family or friends and you are forced to be in the home, then there are Social Service Investigative Representative who pose as house cleaners, babysitters. They will closely observe the situation and document everything going on while they are in your home and have the in-law evicted (more like arrested) once they catch them in the act. What a horror you are experiencing at this stage in your young life and especially pregnancy. You have every right to be ticked off with your husband for his distorted priorities and lack of concern for his immediate family, but is showing your anger going to make him change? I like what another person said: BE CALM (at least let them see you are CALM) and make your plan to get that in-law 'caught in the act'- if you have no other alternatives to remove yourself and your children. GOD be with you!
Is it possible to get to a women's shelter? Do you have any other family or friends who are watching this and are offering to take you and your children in?
Eventually, someone is going to call the Police or Child Protection Services with a tip about your in-law running around with a knife, verbally / emotionally abusing you or your children and physically abusing your pets. In the meantime, if your husband is not going to respond positively to this situation, you need to take action to save you, your children and especially your unborn child. If you cannot get long term assistance into a women's shelter or with family or friends and you are forced to be in the home, then there are Social Service Investigative Representative who pose as house cleaners, babysitters. They will closely observe the situation and document everything going on while they are in your home and have the in-law evicted (more like arrested) once they catch them in the act. What a horror you are experiencing at this stage in your young life and especially pregnancy. You have every right to be ticked off with your husband for his distorted priorities and lack of concern for his immediate family, but is showing your anger going to make him change? I like what another person said: BE CALM (at least let them see you are CALM) and make your plan to get that in-law 'caught in the act'- if you have no other alternatives to remove yourself and your children. GOD be with you!
Second , please get ahold of your local Social Services to ask for help .
She is a danger to your household . Should NOT have any access to knives , no matter how simple . Even a butter knife can be used incorrectly and hurt someone seriously .
She has the signs of dementia perhaps and needs an assessment . The paranoia , the feeling of fear , not just of dogs but she is not co-operating on any scale . There is a serious reason she was evicted .
While husbands heart was good , he too is between a rock and a hard place . Guess he is an only child and nobody else can or will take her ?
I am so very sorry that the kids have a grandma that has seriously wrong behavior . It is a heartbreak .
How does husband " help " with her staying there .
She has alienated you and the kids/dog .
Keeping this to a minimum when you call S.S. ( please do NOT put this off ! Someone is on your side ) . You can also call a Senior Center that works with seniors and tell them you have someone who is difficult in the home , her age ,etc. You need help that will not cost 3k a month unless you can afford it .
Any nursing home will probably not take her without medicating her . And that is ok , she must have it or she will get thrown out of where ever she goes .
If this were me , I would go somewhere for a few weeks with kids and dogs if possible . Husband needs to deal with her until he sees why you are done ! Praying he will be honest . If she was always this way, I really feel for him but he cannot fix her . Always here if you want to talk or message me collverlynn . fb
Husband needs to understand the situation there in the house!
Blessings
hgnhgn
Making peace as best as possible to get a 60 year old!!! out is smartest, get DH to wake up. Maybe he needs to talk to police or firemen... and I am 70..and see this 60 yr old granny as Playing (maybe) at DANGEROUS/unstable and yet possibly mentally ill ...at best.
Just ONCE time if she swung that knife into one of the kid's EYES, or face? too late forever then. what about when the NEWBORN is screaming in a crib, and mommy is in the kitchen for a minute? will granny knife the screaming baby? Maybe the mom's parents, a brother/sister or a wise relative, a local pastor (does anyone even go to any church anymore?) can come and talk to dad. Does wither one working have insurance at work? Can a psych councelor or health assessment be ordered over this stress? Something HAS to be done soon...if grant is faking, and it sound like the OP and her DH are YOUBG..if granny is 60, and their M&D 40, then how old is the OP??? 21? 23? could be JUVENILE behavior by the father of these kids. Making HIM & Granny leave and go pay for a room in a hotel is far better (even with cost) than asking a very pregnant mom and two SMALL kids love a home and surrounding they know just to get rid of granny.
Present him with some options-which means you will have to do some homework. There is a free service called “a place for mom” that can help you do some of the legwork. You may need to call 911 and report her as dangerous to your family to get her evaluated so you know what you are working with. If not, your DH needs to take her to the doctor and get a full evaluation done.
Is your family in the picture? Or do you have friends who could put you and the kids and the dogs up for a week to give you breathing room to get some research done.
Your husband will probably need to apply for guardianship so he can take care of her finances to keep her from being evicted again and make medical decisions for her. It is a long process but may be your only option unless she will willingly surrender that to him.
Try to remember she is probably not operating on all cylinders right now, and while she needs help and compassion, that doesn’t come at the expense of your health and safety or that of your children and pets.
Good luck!
Yes, I intended to yell. That hoax of a free service only makes a hard situation harder. They're jerks.
If your husband resents you, well, that's just too bad for him. He will have to deal with it. How much will you resent him if this goes on?
I learned a long time ago that people will put up with anything if they are not the one dealing with the problem. In other words, if your husband has to be the one doing the extra cleaning, paying the extra expenses, catching the dogs after they've been let out, etc., he might change his mind about her staying with you. "Honey, please clean the bathroom, your GM left a mess." "Honey, please clean the kitchen, your GM left a mess." "Honey, please go get the dogs, your GM let them loose."
Do Not, under any circumstances, let down your resolve. They both will test you, and you need to stand firm.
Frankly, your husband sounds like a douche. Some of these issues were probably around before his GM moved in. It's time to get them resolved, the sooner the better. I'm not criticising, as my husband and I had to go through the same learning process in our marriage. My husband was quite selfish, but (1) I had to learn not to put up with it, and (2) I had to learn how to talk to him without being accusatory or weak. Usually they are quite trainable!
Are you close to your family? I would suggest maybe taking the kids and staying with them until she is gone. I would be on the verge on a mental breakdown with a new baby coming.
Good luck xoxo
CPS (child protective services) will take your children into custody if they know there is an unstable adult carrying a knife around in your home. Nikki, as one of the custodial parents, you can be arrested, spend years getting your children back.
Wishing you the very best, it is not easy being in this situation. Show your husband my note, he needs to do what is best for his grandmother and family. I had many guilty feelings putting my mother in a facility all because I promised to take care of her, but could not when the time came.
There are a lot of practical solutions being given here such as calling senior services and talking to her doctor. Her doctor may even assess the situation and tell your husband he has no choice but to move her out.
In the meantime, I suggest you and your husband sit down and set some boundaries and write down your "conditions of satsfaction". I imagine the first thing on your list is that your children are safe. If you believe she's truly a threat, then there's no question she has to be placed somewhere immediately.
If she stays, your husband must agree that the situation is temporary. Remember that you are providing a safe, warm place for her to live...temporarily.
Also, your husband, NOT YOU, must actively search and find a place for great grandma. You are a pregnant working mom...you need a break.
I had to practice tough love with my own mom who lives with us. She suffers from severe anxiety and depression. Once she asked me to buy her a gun for protection..I said, what??? Really?? That would never happen!
As a result of that, she is not allowed to be alone with my grandchildren or my pets. I set up a room for her that's super comfy and she has her personal space. that is safe, warm, and she is well taken care of. She has her space and we have ours. We don't mingle much and it works best that way.
I would let your husband know that you would like great grandma to stay in her room when you and the kids get home. That's your family time. And if you come home to a dirty house, your husband has to clean it. I had to do that with our situation. My mom would not do her dishes, she would walk off after cooking and leave a mess. My husband was furious and always taking it out on me. I had to clean it. I finally told her that she had to pick up after herself...house rule.
Your husband will get tired of picking up after her, doing her dishes, picking up her trash, doing her housekeeping and laundry, etc.
Financially I would give her an allowance for personal items and the rest goes to your family to pay for room and board.
This can be done in a loving way. When I finally set boundaries with my own mom, things turned around. Now I can enjoy sitting and having a cup of tea with her without seething inside.
As they say, blood is thicker than water, that puts mom over your kids, and YOU his wife. Mom here is NUTS, being evicted and then NOT being able to help with so much as cleaning is your first clue that she AINT A GONNA CHANGE, and that tho she may not have dementia, she definitely is mentally ill. Take a HUGE HINT, this marriage is over, you are nothing to him. And yes, I am blunt, but this is real, you are stressed and sounds like any-lets sit down and talk about this like two rational adults that love each other-is long gone because he won't HEAR you, he is in love with mama.
Telling an 8-month pregnant woman to walk out on her husband and home, showing no concern at all for an elderly lady who is homeless, nor any consideration of the husband's point of view. Wow. No wonder the OP has not returned.
Would any of you give differing advice if her husband had posted this:
"My grandma who raised me loaned her life savings to my wife, who went behind my back to ask for it and then couldn't pay grandma back as she promised she would. As a result, my 95-pound, frail little g-ma was evicted from her home this winter, since she always relied on having part of her savings to supplement her social security income in order to pay her rent. Because I felt my wife was partly responsible for this mess, I felt obligated to move g-ma into our home.
My wife, who has spent 12 hours a day and thousands of dollars (some of it g-ma's) for 4 years trying to develop a failing business, is now 8 months pregnant--against my wishes, but that's another story--and wants g-ma to move out.
The problem is, g-ma doesn't have enough income for a decent rental now and doesn't qualify for Section 8 because she was evicted. So I told my wife to find somewhere for her to move if she wants her to leave.
Wife's solution to that was to make g-ma miserable here by "adopting" two huge rowdy dogs that both out-weigh g-ma, and she can't even go outside our gate to the mail box without them knocking her over to escape. They are not unfriendly, but she is no match for their jumping and bumping, so she tries to stay in her room."
I could develop this scenario more, but I am tired of it and tired of those who would blindly advise divorce and abandonment without knowing most of the facts.
AND, PLEASE, I do not know these people. All the above is MADE UP with the sole purpose of pointing out that advice given without knowing all the facts of a situation may not be good advice. Or even the same advice you'd give if you knew all the facts.
(as each understands it), and when caregivers divide and deeply criticize another persons opinion or advice, the AC Admins have been known to CLOSE THE THREAD TO FURTHER COMMENT!
I sincerely hope Nikki has her baby, and that all is well by that time.
Maybe it's my conservative Christian roots showing but I'm also not comfortable advising someone to end a marriage (particularly one involving 3 children) over a young husband acting really dumb, or at least not while there's still a chance of educating him. OP doesn't state that DH has physically abused her or the children or deliberately emotionally abused them; only that he wants his grandmother to have a home and isn't understanding the stress this is putting on his wife or the dangerous environment grandma is creating for his wife and children. I respect the posters who feel risking his family is enough for an ultimatum and a divorce if necessary and I completely agree if the husband cannot come to see his first consideration and loyalty belongs to his young children and their mother. I would just be more comfortable if that advice was stated more as an end game after attempting to work things out. Separation and a counter ultimatum (I'm not coming home until it's safe for my children) might be better immediate advice for the OP, or maybe just something she is more ready to hear. Just my point of view, I realize that one of the greatest strengths of this forum is the variety of views expressed. If you find anything in this posting offensive, please accept my apology because that is definitely not my intention.
The advice is harsh, maybe even radical. But an armed mentally ill woman in the home is beyond an annoyance or just giving time to adjust.
Call me silly, but I would get to safety and call the cops on any unhinged, knife wielding person down the street, let alone in my house!
i would really like to know how it is working out for you