How to handle a micromanaging sibling?

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How to handle a micromanaging sibling?

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My father was recently hospitalized for a UTI. My brother is bothering the people who are trying to care for my father in the hospital and the staff in the memory care facility where Dad has lived for the past several months. They have made me aware that he is asking for extensive information, disrupting their ability to care for the other residents/patients. He hasn't visited my father in months, but somehow feels he needs to jump in now and be demanding. I am concerned about negative backlash. People like my father; they do not like my brother. I have the decision making authority for my father. My brother does not like me. He will criticize but not help. What can I do? Should I do anything?

Care Decisions Care Plan Siblings

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Invisible I have an "energy sucker" list! My sister is first on the list. Trust me the people who care for your father know who is really helping and who is a nuisance. If you want to share and vent with me please do so.

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I’ve got an energy sucker list too! So many of us in the same boat, huh? All of the ‘energy suckers’ need to be thrown in the same quarantined room, don’t you think? Would be nice if they left us alone if all they choose to do is stir the pot instead of truly helping. That kind of help, none of us need. They can’t see how they make things more difficult for others.

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Can you turn it around a bit, perhaps ask the Director of Nursing or another authority figure at the MC what they find is helpful to have happen when there is an annoying, belligerent relative? I would assume this has happened before there and the MC might have some insights about the best course of action.

To me, it seems like your father's care is more important than trying to make belligerent sibling less belligerent, if that were even possible.

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As you have decision making authority and the staff is expressing their annoyance with brothers overkill intrusion, you’ll just have to push your mental delete button and ask the people caring for your dad to do the same. Any attention given the brother will just encourage him to keep it up. Sorry you’re dealing with this, ignoring is hard but needed

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So far that is working. I have not heard of any more problems. Fortunately he does not visit and does not follow through.

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If this has been mentioned to you by staff then tell your brother. Tell him that the hospital and MC staff have mentioned that he is making it hard for them to do their jobs. Remind him that Dad is not the only resident they have care for.

Does decision making authority mean you have POA? If so, tell him that if he does not settle down then you will have the facility ban him for disruption. I would tell the administrator you give them the authority to ban him. This is not fair to Dad, staff or other residents. You say he hates you so you are not losing anything. Don't do this unless someone is close by.

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Can you send an email that updates everyone and request that the facility and hospital be left alone, as the care of patients is 1st and foremost and multiple calls makes it harder for them to provide the care we all desire for dad, as well as every other patient in the unit. Make it broad to all that love dad and are concerned about how he is doing. If that doesn't stop it, you as POA can deny brother information, that would allow the facility to act to stop him. If he gets ugly they are protected by laws that are serious about threats and intimidation of health care workers.

Just what you need right now, right?

I hope you find a solution.

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They should have the right to ban him from the facility as he is making it even more difficult for your father.

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They do. Read their published material last night and they can escort out anyone who yells, swears, insults and a whole bunch of other things.

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The hospital Staff who will Laugh, Will need to tell your bro where it is At on their own Premises. You on the other hand, With your Authority, Let him know where it is AT. Just another huge responsibility of Handling Someone, hun, Who is all Talk and never will be Real Action when you would Need them the Most.

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They are giving information because he is on the HIPAA list?
At the hospital and facility? If so, have his name removed immediately.

Speak to the HEAD nurse at the hospital and the Executive Director at the facility. Briefly explain.

Write your brother a letter/email telling him to please stop (so that perhaps he might listen, since it sounds like he doesn't respect you or your authority). No blaming or shaming, just telling him it's disrupting his care and everyone is finding it unnecessary. Remind him that YOU were chosen by your dad...etc etc.

All the best!
Be graceful

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The OP can’t just do that. Their dad unless incompetent and brother has POA (he hasn’t said he does), can put whoever he wants on the HIPAA list.

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I feel now is the time to deliver(to the facility) a large box of fresh donuts and a long letter praising the staff for their compassionate care. Briefly mention/apologize(?) for your brother's disruptive behavior. We can only control our own behavior.

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Frustrating as it is, and a waste of time though it might feel, I would handle this by sending Bro a summary of the recent medical history and concluding with "if there is anything else you would like to know, please feel free to ask." The chances are that you'll get nothing but tumbleweeds in response, but at least you've tried.

The thing is, you kind of can't have it both ways. You can't be down on him for not showing any interest in your father in months, AND at the same time blame him for demanding information now - almost certainly because he's only too aware he's neglected his father and is trying to make up for it, a bit like realising you've let your plants dry out and then overwatering them (which any gardener will tell you is the worst thing you can do).

But, so, what do you want him to do? Suddenly turn into Mr Nice and just ask sensible respectful questions at a time that's convenient to everyone else? Wouldn't that be plain out of character?

As for the staff - you are not responsible for your brother's manners, and frankly this is their problem. Either your brother is entitled to information, in which case they should share it properly; or he isn't, in which case they shouldn't be telling him anything except the rules of patient confidentiality. Don't apologise for him, not ever! Sympathise, sure - say "oh dear, did he? Tut tut" - but do not apologise and do not undertake to do anything about it. Not Your Problem.

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I assume the home is fully aware of what your brother is doing and most likely what powers you have and the part you play in your father's care. If so, and he is bugging them, then the home must sit down with him, possibly a three way call or meeting, and set him straight. Provide him periodically with all updated information, say on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. Do it before he comes at you. And if he keeps it up, just be diplomatic and professional and refer him to the home and get the heat off you. Good luck. Sounds like he is on a guilt trip.

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Give him your fathers medical reports and tell him not to bother the nurses because they are too busy and have patients to look after. Hopefully he will stop

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It depends on his legal place, if he has shared POA/DPOA or rights your father as set up to be involved in his health care decisions there isn't much you can do other than gently let him know that while you can only imagine how hard it must be to have dad in a medical crisis and not actually be there to get the information directly, it only hurts dads care to be pulling his caregivers, doctors, nurses in multiple directions talking to multiple people. The facility and hospital both prefer and have asked that one person be the contact person for updates and since you are the one who is there physically and knows the staff it has been you. You might offer to be better about keeping him up to speed (even though you have probably been doing this giving him that might be worth it) then start sending him a daily update by text or email or just an update every time even a minor interaction with staff happens even if there really isn't anything to report. Oh and of course give him any written medical stuff you have, make sure it doesn't seem like your hiding anything.

If he doesn't have any legal "rights" (for lack of a better term) I suggest a similar conversation but then you can tell both the facility staff and the hospital that they don't need to cater to his requests, they can just politely tell him they are only going to update the DPOA, you and he needs to get in touch with you for updates. If they will help you out with it they might even tell him they just can't take the time to converse with both of you so they have requested it just be one person, you. They may or may not be able or willing to do that but either way I would urge you to soft peddle it, let him feel like an important part of dad's care and don't just cut him out or shut him off even though he hasn't done his part and you may not feel like giving him that line. I worry that if you don't try to do this the generous way and make him feel cut off things will get uglier, you don't need that and Dad certainly doesn't need that. IMHO it's worth swallowing that pill and giving him more than he probably deserves to try and take that complication off your plate but I also get it if it's just more than you can give him. Only you know your situation best.

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Not sure here, whether brother really wants to help or just to be "in charge."

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You should tell your brother to BACK. OFF. If he doesn't, see about having the staff remove him.

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Proceed to the Ombudsman about this disruptive sibling.

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Thank you for your opinions and suggestions. I am DPOA and health guardian. I text/email my siblings, including brother, when Dad has any medical change and after all doctor appointments to keep them in the loop in case something happens to me. I get rude replies back from him, telling me to stop emailing him so much information. When Dad goes to the hospital, he goes into high gear, contacting all the medical personnel and demanding answers/giving suggestions. I have given him and the rest of my siblings access to Dad's medical records in an effort to be transparent. Generally, I leave things alone, unless someone providing care for Dad comes to me with issues. I am now avoiding dealing with brother entirely unless there is a change in location/status. He is welcome to visit Dad any time. Chooses not to. Has a giant chip on his shoulder about everything and makes life unpleasant for all. I think Dad feels guilt about him.

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How would you feel if you were the child of one of the other patients being neglected by the nurse because s/he's busy on the telephone answering your brother's demands for answers and suggestions? What good is coming from enabling your brother to do this?

You have identified this one sibling as a troublemaker. I see no reason for this one sibling to continue to have access to your dad's medical information especially not when you are emailing all of your siblings updates about your dad's health.

The most expedient solution to your problem is to talk with your dad about your reasons for wanting to remove your brother from the list of individuals with whom the nurses may share information. Your brother is really not helping and his behavior should not be enabled.

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Talk to the head of nursing both at the hospital & the care facility - tell her/him that you realize this problem & want them to say to your brother that he is not authorized to receive any information over the phone due to privacy issues for your dad but if he shows proper identification when visiting then he will get a partial summary - that should end the problem - ask that it be marked as such on your dad's file & that 'staff is sorry that any prior information was given out without authorization'

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This a really good response! Invisible you are right to worry about your brother hassling the staff. This seems the best way to respond

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Let him ask the questions, i appreciate the staff are ‘busy’, but families have every right to ask questions.

Have you asked your brother what his concerns are? That would be a good start.

My dad hated me ‘bothering’ (challenging) mum’s doctors and nurses, but after she died (because of her inept/ ‘too busy’ GP, and overworked hospital consultants whose apathy led to her unnecessary death) dad broke down and apologised to me and thanked me for fighting for her.
(I have a medical background and a fierce thirst for knowledge, so I don’t buy into this 1950s ‘don’t question the doctor!’ mentality.)

Find out why your brother is asking these questions... your dad may well benefit from his persistence.

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First, is brother listed re HIPPA? They cannot share info with him unless he is. That's the law in the US. Also, there is a difference between asking reasonable questions and harassment of staff. A time and place for everything and it's not pestering staff who are trying to do their job. Go to the DON or administrator with your concerns. And if this is really about sibling competition, then please leave others out of it and deal direct with sibling. This sounds like brother is on a power trip and not really interested in helping dad, just issuing "executive orders."

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PS: It is not for you to have to manage your brother tbh. As PoA and (I assume) legal next of kin, the hospital should only share dad’s info with you, if that is what your dad wants, so surely it is their error sharing your dad’s private data info with him? (Data protection law?)

I have a sister exactly like your brother.. I got dad’s GP to put a BIG note on the system not to share info with her.
But to be honest, it was only by including her on my regular family update emails on dad to all my siblings, that she felt more involved (has helped everyone feel more involved) It has been a very long road getting her to accept she could not pull the ‘eldest child’ card ref dad. He chose me to be his ‘PA’ because I am ridiculously ‘capable’, and he trusts me.
(Is your brother harbouring childhood jealousies towards you?)

I’d ignore your brother’s complaints about your email updates. Tell him he does not have to read them, you are just keeping him in the loop. He will appreciate it long term. Bear with it!
I know my sister felt very cut out/isolated re dad’s care when he shut her out after they fell out. She is the eldest, but, like your brother, had fallen from grace with my dad (after calling Social Services to report that she thought he was unsafe living at home 😱😱 Dad went mad, banned her from the house!)

I’ve brokered peace now but ironically she now comes up with a list of ailments as long as my arm as to why she can’t help with his care more! Has literally disabled herself by putting on a dangerous amount of weight.
It’s very frustrating.
Nowt so weird as folk as they say in the UK!

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