Greetings,
I'm needing to vent, & I'm actually hoping that what APS, & my sister have done, is not the final outcome.
My Dad has isolated himself, for more than 15 years, in Greenville S. Carolina. He had prostate surgery for cancer, & refused to go back for radiation/chemo approx. 12 years ago. Dad has not seen any form of doctor, nor dentist since that time, nor had any form of Social Interaction. Dad got to the point, where he wouldn't drive, nor use any form of public transportation. Dad cannot walk, without the usage of a cane, & he has Extreme Pain in his hip, as well as a hernia. Dad has less than 5 teeth, & can only eat soft foods.
Before I go on, I have to make it clear that I've been apart from our dad, since 1979, & he has not made any effort to be a Compassionate, Nurturing Father. In fact, by Today's Standards, Our Dad, & Our Mother would've both been charged with child abuse, & locked up.
Our family has consistently been one of chaos, anger, even hatred, & I withdrew myself from it.
My Sister who had not spoken with me, for many years contacted me last Oct-2023, because Dad had been scammed out of his phone, from ATT to Clearwater Communications, which requires plugging in a modem. My Dad could not comprehend how to do that, so he went without phone service for approx. a month, according to my Sister. I got Dad's phone, returned to ATT, via the phone, & email.
From that time onward, I began calling him, at least once a week, with that quickly becoming 5 or more times a week, due to his mental condition.
Dad would forget who I was, or what we were talking about, even in a 10 minute conversation. But Dad could vividly remember things that happened in the 1960s, & 50s.
Dad would frequently speak of the pain in his hip, which early this year, seemed to be progressing to the point, where it hurt, whether he laid down, sat, or stood.
Dad never could tell me what he ate, only that he wasn't hungry.
I soon realized that my sister, who is a RN nurse, (and a mandatory reporter) at a VA Hospital in Michigan, had "assumed" the role of being Dad's "caregiver", & that she had Dad sign, at the least papers, that allowed her access to his bank account. My sister also would order "soft foods" over the Internet, & have them delivered to Our Dad, as well as "Meals on Wheels". That was accompanied by her traveling to S. Carolina, once a year to see dad.
My sister never arranged for Dad to have "in-home services" for cooking, cleaning, bathing, nor any "In home" medical assistance, nor was there any kind of doctor involved.
I tried to get Dad to "in-house services" & he refused. I tried to get dad to allow a Senior Group to pick him up & take him to their Facility, where he could "socially interact”, eat a meal, have activities, & this group would even take field trips, & again he refused. Dad reused to see Ministers that have "Senior Outreach", he refused other programs offered by the area Council on aging, etc.
I tried repeatedly, to get my brother, who lives less than 20 miles from Dad, to go & check on him, but he refused. I finally got my niece, who is also a RN, to go & check on Dad, & when she called me, she was crying, & told me that "he wasn't the grandpa that she remembered, that he had dementia, & desperately needed help!”
I contacted the "Appalachian Council of Governments", after giving them a great deal of Data, they advised that Dad needed to be "evaluated", & that it could be done via APS, or by securing "White Papers". I advised my niece to go to "mental health", answer the questions, & from there she, & Law Enforcement, would take My Dad to be "evaluated". I was told that the "White Papers", would quickly "get the' ball rolling" towards getting what My Dad needed, & that APS would be slow, chaotic, "drop the' ball".
My niece somehow ended up at APS, & the "ball" wasn't just dropped, it was destroyed.
I'm running out of space here.
APS has closed the case, dad is missing.
I fail to understand, after withdrawing yourself for nearly 3 decades from an abuser so severe he was JAILED for it, just why in the world you would insert yourself into his world again?
Clearly your father has not wished to have any family involved in his life and in his care. Now apparently sister is acting for him. Good on her. Let her if she wishes to and tell her that you do NOT wish to.
I myself would have reported this gentleman to APS and suggested that they (or anyone else who wished to) act on his behalf to protect him. If your Sister wished to act in his behalf, that's great. She isn't the one writing us. I am assuming you do not get along with her, either in this dysfunctional situation.
For myself, I would report your father as missing from his home to the Greenville Police, APS, Sheriff or other designated authorities. I would tell them I am uninvolved and estranged over many years.
Then I would forget about it, as was done for the last--I assume peaceful 3 decades.
As far as I am concerned FATHERHOOD isn't an accidental sperm donation. To me, this isn't a father.
Up to you what you choose to do yourself. For myself it would be guardianship of the state or not; up to all of them.
I am sorry you have chosen to involve yourself in what is clearly a mire of a life. I don't see much escape if you continue to involve yourself. If Sister wishes to be involved, let her, and make it clear you do not.
Two chances at family in life. The one we're born to and the one we make for ourselves. You lost the first battle the day you were born to him. The second is still your own decision.
I said to her "Di, there's a reason he's your ex."
There is a reason here why you went no contact with your family, and I think you need to respect that. While it is true that time heals all wounds, it can also skew memories and make them seem rosier than they are. Don't allow yourself to fall into this trap.
It is virtually impossible to be the sole caregiver of a house-bound parent long-distant, and that's in the best of circumstances, where your parent was (and is) loving and is not stubborn and willing to accept outside help. In your case? You trying to do this from far away? With an abusive, stubborn father with likely advanced dementia/ALZ? There is no way that plan ends well for ANY of you.
Look, you did your best, You made phone calls, you got dad on APS's radar. You owe him NOTHING ELSE, as you say he and mom would have been "locked up for abuse". Let him and "greedy sister" have each other.
I get your anger, and your frustration and your disappointment, and your feelings are justified, but I think you dodged a big-time bullet here.
The most likely explanation is that your Dad, who probably did not have an assigned PoA and was reported as a vulnerable elder, was assigned a legal guardian by the courts and was transitioned into a facility for his own protection. He probably didn't have the ability to give the authorities names and contact info for family. If he doesn't give them that info they'd have no way to know who to call. Consider contacting APS and letting them know that you will have to report him missing if they don't know his whereabouts either.
Why is your sister "greedy"? She reported him and got authorities involved, which is not something someone does if they want to financially abuse someone. Is it possible your sister the RN who was the mandated reporter, somehow got him placed? Maybe she didn't tell you because you seem suspicious of APS. He sounded very clearly like he needs LTC. No one in your family is obligated to have managed this man who didn't take care of himself and didn't plan at all for his retirement/declining years. and you yourself described as abusive.
Also, you don't give a timeline as to when all this has happened. Recently? Within the past few months, weeks, days? More info would be helpful.