I don't provide 24x7 care for my dad who had a stroke 4 years ago. My stepmom does. Monthly I go up on a Friday night and come home Sunday night so she can get a respite break. She usually goes for the weekend to a casino with her friends. How to I deal positively? My dad is very hard to help. He is very demanding and manipulative & tries to make my time as hellish as possible because he is mad that my stepmom is leaving for the weekend. He feels that if he makes me stop - she will not be able to get a break. For example - i'll ask if he needs anything so I can prepare dinner, he'll say no, but then right when I'm in the middle of making dinner, he will shout for something over and over until I get it for him. Then when I go back to the stove - do it again. So I either 1) keep giving him what he wants or 2) ignore the shouting so I can make dinner. He just won't wear down. Bedtime - he will turn the TV way up and I sleep in an open area. I'll ask to turn down - he does, as soon as I lay down - it goes up. I've taken the remote away and turned off the TV and he wills shout for hours and throw things at me. So when it is warm I've slept in my car. He can't be left alone for fall risks - so my "respite" is to go outside for a few minutes. I hate the entire weekend and I hate him for doing this. Starting the week before, I get physically sick to my stomach dreading the weekend. What do you suggest I do to prepare? I role play in my mind how I will handle positively all of his stunts (vs blow up at him - which I have done - which only gets him going more); think of respite options - knitting, short break outside, ear plugs. Occasionally we'll watch TV together in peace. But month after month he is so angry the whole weekend. I do this only because I love and adore my stepmom and she really counts on my taking him for a weekend. She has him 24x7 except for 4 hours respite on M and W each week - and he pulls the same stuff with the people who come in. I'm thinking of seeing a doctor and getting something like valium for the weekend. Any thoughts? I've decided to keep doing this for my stepmom - so quitting is not yet an option. Positive ideas please! Thank you in advance, Kimber
I'd get dad to a geriatric psychiatrist for meds that will calm him down.
Is there something special you can do with your dad, so he has something to look forward to with your visits? Is he wheel-chair bound? Can you take him places in a car? What is his level of mobility? If you can get him out, how about some local sporting event, or a trip to the library, or ice cream parlor, or garden center, or antique store ... anything that interests him.
Does he love delivered pizza but stepmom doesn't order it much? That could a monthly treat when you are there.
Does he like being read to? My husband did.
Anything you can think of that might be special to the two of you might help reduce the negativity. Might. Maybe.
Maybe a slight change in your approach would help -- you if not your dad. "Dad, I'm not going to be available for the next 40 minutes. Let's think of anything you might need now." Then go down a mental checklist. Water? Coffee? Newspaper handy? Crossword puzzle book? etc. Then put on your headset and listen to music as you prepare dinner. Ignore him until dinner is ready. You don't mention that he has cognitive issues. so I assume he is capable of understanding consequences. You'd have to be very consistent in ignoring him every single meal though. Think you could do that?
Or ... "Dad, since I never seem to get time to cook a full meal here, we'll only have sandwiches from now on. We can sit on the deck and have a little picnic."
As to how to psych yourself up, keep thinking of you stepmom. My son takes care of a lot of maintenance tasks for me, but he likes to whine about some of them. "I hate all this artsy fartsy crap you want me to hang up for you..." And I always acknowledge that and don't try to convince him he shouldn't hate it. I say, "Yes. But you do love your mother. So please try to get this done by the end of the day." Maybe that is the kind of peptalk you need to give yourself. "I hate these weekends." "Yes. But you love your stepmom. Get on with it as best you can."
I have nothing but admiration for your efforts! I hope you can get the situation to be a little less disagreeable.
The next morning his yelling at her started at 5:30 and went on until she left at 7:30. My dad manages his own prescriptions - he won't let my stepmom put his pills by day for him. He discovered he is out of two prescriptions and insisted my stepmom cancel her trip so she could spend the day calling the doctor, getting a 7 day supply to cover before the mail delivery could arrive. Bless my stepmom - she said "you don't let me manage this for you, so I'm not today. We'll take care of Monday" and of course he was yelling that he would die, etc. and she said "not my problem - you manage your prescriptions". Anyway - she left 7:30, or I should say "fled".
Meanwhile - I used my phone to tape about 15 minutes of this. After she left, my dad started hollering at me, because I come - she is able to leave. I said nothing but started to replay his ranting back. He stopped "what's that". And I said "if you don't stop hollering and start treating me with respect, I'm going to call 911 and say I don't feel safe, and they will take you away"
"They will not!" and I said - yes they will when I play this for them.
"Then my wife will have to cancel her weekend and come home - go ahead!" and I said "no, step mom and I have an agreement - her phone is turned off, and the hotel has instructions NOT to interrupt her for ANY reason. You will spend the weekend in the hospital until the doctor can see you on Monday and regulate your medications - because you are out of control. You decide"
So he started yelling at me. I walked over, picked up the phone and was so ready to dial!!!!! As soon as heard dial tone and realized I meant business - he said "no, don't call!"
So I sat him down and said - no yelling, no throwing things, no swearing, eat what I make, let me sleep at night. Any stunts and I was going to make the call.
He pouted for an hour. We played cards. I made lunch. He was able to get into my car and I drove him around the country - which he loved, he hasn't done this for a long time. He sat outside with me and we enjoyed the sunshine.
Yesterday we watched some movies and played cards. And my stepmom came home. My dad was asleep and I told her what I had done. She laughed so hard that I thought she was going to choke.
She texted me last night that he was yelling at her about the prescriptions and her weekend. She is tempted to try my approach. It will only work if she follows through though.
We ended up having a pleasant time.
Thank you for all of the suggestions!
My dad was very hard of hearing so I learned very quickly to get him headphones for his TV. I bought them at Radio Shack and they had a long cord. It worked out perfectly. My dad could have the TV on and I wasn't disturbed by the loud noise. Maybe headphones would work for your dad and his TV.
You're a great stepdaughter and daughter. I understand how you can begin dreading the weekend. I would too. Something like Valium or Xanax may help you but it may just make you tired which would make your weekend even worse but I think it's worth a try.
Has anyone ever told your dad that he's behaving like an @#s? Throwing things at you while you're trying to sleep? Really!? That's just awful. I need some Xanax just reading about it. I'm so sorry you have to go through this even if it is once a month.
I'm trying to picture in my mind - my remaining calm when he pulls stuff. I step outside, I ignore him as long as I can, I put on headphones and blast music, I knit, I look at the clock....
In March he threw the dinner I made on the floor, so I left it there and didn't clean up and didn't make him anything else. He yelled and shouted and I sat outside. I left it there for the whole weekend until step mom got back. He refused to clean it up so she refused to host guys for cards until he did. It sat there for a week, on the floor, broken dish until he finally cleaned it up. This man is stubborn. He can clean because he cleans up his incontinence accidents.
My stepmom decides which battles she wants to fight and gives in on everything else. She has 8 grandchildren and misses seeing their games, plays, going to their houses for dinner. It is really her I feel sorry for - so I keep doing this.
He doesn't yet qualify for nursing home care. It is too bad there isn't some place to put someone who is emotionally abusive
See All Answers