I just returned from a visit with my honey at the hospital. After leaving his room, (after the third time while I was there of telling me to get the *bleep* out, I wasn't any use to him and that he did not want me there) I broke down in tears and cried all the way home. His doctor was there ( I had just talked to him a short time before) and I told him I was leaving for the day as my being there was getting my honey agitiated and if he needed anything to call me. Doctor understood. My honey was angry that everything he need required me to lift him and I couldn't do it because of my back. I asked him to call the nurse so she could help get him up and he flat refused. Saying it was my problem (they had him sitting in the chair) not the nurse's. I said I could not do it alone. A tech came in about that time and he tried to lift him (tech was much bigger and stronger than I am) and it took him three tries to get him up while I braced the walker. He said doctor was maybe going to release him tomorrow or tuesday and I told him I would start looking for someone to come in and help. He said don't know how I (not we) will pay for it but it is my problem not his. I told him what I will have to do is have a caregiver in during the day and I will have to go back to work. He started in about how they will not hire me period due to my age. I said part of the reason is my age, but also being a caregiver. I reminded him that we have talked about that aspect in the past and that he is more important than a job. He then threw up in my face about giving me money to help pay the bills ( I pay the bulk of the bills, though I have been out of work since July 2017 and he helps as much as he can). I have never in 30 years seen such a cold, steely, hate filled look as he turned on me when he told me to get out the third time that I was no use to him. I left and I am not sure with his attitude that I want to back up to see him. It was totally uncalled for, mean and scary. How do you handle a situation like this? I am at a loss and heartbroken as he has been my love and soulmate for 30 years and always treated me with love and respect even when we had a disagreement. Since February he has become a mean stranger to me. I don't recognize him any more though other than the edema he still looks the same. This severe edema did not hit until April 1st, but he started being verbally mean around Feb.
This is going to be a very difficult time for you as the person you have known and loved is no longer the same. You have suffered a great loss in many cases worse than a death.
You are clearly not strong enough to care for him by yourself at home and would need 24 hour care which I assume you could not afford.
At this point I would talk to the discharge planner and social worker to see what options are available for him.
He is obviously very angry and thinks you should be able to make everything better.
Is the stroke fairly recent. His physical condition may improve with rehab and if he refuses to go you do not have to take him home and suffer.
Right now think of your own situation as far as supporting yourself alone and your living arrangements. How realistic is it for you to go back to work even if he was not in your life. If you are not old enough to retire find out what help may be available for you. Don't be afraid to apply for everything out there and get on any list there may be waiting for subsidized housing etc.
Trying to punish him by not visiting is unlikely to work but continueing the visit is something you can control. Leave at the first sign of nastiness. If you don't feel up to it you don't have to go tomorrow. Use the day to collect your self and face what is becoming a devastating reality and most important of all take care of yourself. Do you have family or friends who would be supportive of you. Cry all you want it does help get the bitterness out of your system. There is always someone around here to talk to when you need so come back often.
I have decided I am going to contact some battered women's groups. Thank you and everyone for listening to me vent. And for all of your advice, support and help. It means the world to me.
I don't know why your husband has suddenly turned but under no circumstances stay with this man if you feel like you are in any danger. Even if he doesn't physically assault you. Verbal abuse is abuse. Please listen to your gut and do what it tells you to do.
I know you don't want to trust yourself to read your posts like an outsider. I don't want you to be another statistic. I would rather give up my 30 year relationship by being safe than giving up my 60+ years of life by being nice. Let him win your trust back with more than a 10-minute conversation. Make him work for your love.
Get someone else to transfer him to the hospital - it might even be included on his insurance plan. You need to be sure that he is safe through a full neurological exam before you ever consider allowing him back into your home. Calling 911 and relying on rusty self-defense skills when you can't help him up out of his chair does not cut it.
So he is still at a rehab, and will be going from there to a hospital appointment on Monday? I strongly recommend bringing a girlfriend or someone with you. Sometimes the aides at rehab can accompany a patient to appointments. In fact Moms NH is required to send an aide unless a family member goes. Please talk to the social worker or the RN manager about that. Why do you have to go at all? Honestly I dont think I would ever be alone with this man again.
His reasoning ability and his connection to reality ( thinking that you can lift him, etc) seemed to indicate that he's lost his grip in some elemental way.
I'd insist the geri psych people do a complete workup. If med adjustments need to be made, they should be made in the rehab or in a geri psych unit, where there is safety, both for you and he.
Thanks, I hadn't thought of what would happen if I call 911 and he is waving the gun around. As to bullets, his family (brother and SIL) won't get any for him as they know the situation and we don't have any friends that are in contact with him. We have pretty much, other than family, been loners for a number of years. I am going to put his gun in the gun vault as well though. I would not want him possibly getting shot by police if he was waving it around and I had to call 911. If someone is waving a gun around they cannot take any chances and I might not be in a position to let them know soon enough (depending on the circumstances) that I unloaded it. Not worth taking a chance on tragedy to preserve his ego.
But I do want to talk to his social worker and psychiatrist that did the eval before I bring him home.. Hope to talk to them tomorrow or Tues
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